A/N: And we continue along. Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. They are always appreciated.

Chapter Thirty Six

Dad and Boss yelled.

They tried not to talk loud, cause I don't think they wanted me to hear, but I could hear them.

It wasn't really loud, like thunder or anything, and it wasn't even loud like the last time I remembered people yelling at each other.

But the words they said were mean, and that made it loud in a different way.

Loud. Loud. Loud.

It hurt a place in my chest, and it made my eyes hurt until tears fell out of them. I was crying because I was sad, and I was crying because the words they were saying were bad things, things that were not nice to say.

Boss had yelled at me. He had meant to yell at Dad I think, but he had yelled at me.

Dad was trying to get him to stop, get him to leave, but Boss was mad. Dad was mad.

Everyone was mad but me.

I was crying, cause I was sad. It was not nice, what they were doing. It was not nice to say those things.

They even talked about Zach.

Zach was my friend. Even though I didn't know him from before, like I knew Probie and Ziva and Abby and Ducky and Boss, he was my friend.

I don't understand why Boss can't see that I told Zach that it was okay, that it was an accident. I know I got really sick when my head went to fast, and that I'm different from before, but Boss was mad at Zach.

And even though I tried to understand, I just couldn't.

And that scared me really bad, cause Boss had never made my heart hurt the way it was hurting now.

"It was loud," Tony said, using his bad hand to brush Denny's coat. He used his bad hand because he wanted it to get stronger so that he wouldn't have a bad side anymore.

"I'm sorry," Zach said from where he was standing in the next stall, brushing Bella's coat.

"Secret. Shuush. It's not your fault," Tony shook his head and Denny turned around and lipped Tony's hand with his mouth. Tony laughed, "No treats now Denny."

Zach watched Tony interact with his horse and he wondered. Zach wondered what Tony had been like before everything, before he had gone and done what he did.

Turning to look at Zach, Tony scowled, "No. Stop it Zach. You're getting the sad face on. No more of that. Bella doesn't like it."

"Tony," Zach tried to say but Tony shook his head, refusing to hear anything Zach had to say about that. Tony had that ability it seemed, to always know when Zach's thoughts had started to stray towards the self-hatred he had for himself.

"If you need to feel better," Tony answered, walking around Denny and picking up a different brush, "You can pet Baron. He's really good at making you feel better."

"Thank Tony," Zach conceded.

"Hmm," Tony hummed, "Shush shush. Did you know Zach, that I get to go to Italy soon?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, but just for a tiny bit. I don't want to go long and Dad said we don't have to stay there long. I don't remember it really good but I think I liked it there. Have you ever been to Italy?"

"No. I've never been outside of the USA."

"Hmm," Tony said and nodded, "That's okay."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Have you ever been to Alaska?"

Zach shook his head, "No."

"Hmmm," Tony hummed again before he bit his lip, "Boss got real angry when I told him about you."

"I don't, I mean, Tony…I can, I can stop coming over. It's all my fault and I don't want-" Zach shook his head, his mouth not saying what he meant. But then again, he didn't really know what he meant.

Tony looked at him and frowned, "Is your head moving too fast?"

"What?" Zach asked, Tony's odd question throwing his train of thought of its track.

"My head," Tony said, "Shush. Shush. When my head goes to fast I can't talk. I can't say what I want and I have to slow down so I can get my mouth to say what I want it to say. Is that's what happening to you too?"

Zach sighed for a moment and stepped away from the horse, "I think I should go Tony. I should have never come. I'm sorry that your Boss got so angry with you. I know it's all my fault and really, whatever I can do but I just can't…I can't come here anymore Tony. Not if it causes problems for you."

"No," Tony said, following Zach out of the stall and grabbing his shoulder. From what Zach understood, Tony had suffered a hypoxic brain injury after the accident which had caused muscle weakness to the left side of Tony's body. However, the months of physical therapy had paid off mostly because when Tony grabbed his shoulder with his weaker hand, Zach could feel the strength in the grip.

And he wondered if Tony was just going to get it over with now and punch him.

He cringed and closed his eyes, expecting the worse from the older man. He knew it was too good to be true.

A moment went by before he felt the tight grip on his shoulder let go.

He heard a gasp and cautiously opened his eyes.

"Tony?" Zach practically whispered, seeing the look of understanding on Tony's face.

"Boss didn't mean it Zach," Tony said, reaching for Zach again only this time, instead of grabbing Zach's shoulder with all his might, he reach for Zach's wrist. He squeezed it once and let it go, "He didn't mean to be mean."

"Tony?" Zach asked again, not understanding what Tony was talking about.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Tony said, looking pained when he glanced quickly at Zach's shoulder, "And he didn't mean to hurt me. He just didn't understand. You didn't understand. You didn't know. Do you get it Zach?"

Zach just shook his head.

"Zach, you didn't want to hurt me," Tony said, one hand reaching up and gently touching his head where the scars were, "It happened and it was sad and my head went to fast and I know it's not the same and I know what you did was wrong but you didn't want to hurt me," Tony emphasizing, picking up Zach's hand and placing it on his own chest, "You hurt me, but you didn't mean to. You were sad. Really sad. And you didn't have a Boss or a Dad or a Probie to help you. You didn't have a Ziva who could listen to you and understand what you meant when your mouth didn't say the right thing. Don't you understand?"

"Tony, it's not that simple. What I did," Zach shook his head, pulling his hand back, "I hurt you. I hurt everyone. I made a stupid decision that cost you everything."

"No," Tony shook his head, anger showing on his face, "My head is not broken anymore. I have Boss. I have Probie and Abby and Jimmy and Ducky and Ziva and everyone else. I have them. And I didn't have Dad before. My dad is here now. I get to be with my dad. You gave me him. You did."

Tony shoved a finger in Zach's chest, "Now stop it. Boss didn't mean to hurt me, and I didn't mean to hurt you, and you didn't want to hurt me. You aren't nice when you think all those bad things about yourself. You hurt me when you do that. I forgive you. And cause I know your head is going slow now, and that you are listening, you need to listen really good."

Tony paused for a moment, and took a deep breath, "I forgive you. You are my friend Zach. And I don't want you to have the dark place inside of you anymore."

Zach bit his lip. Still, after all he had been through, to hear those words out of Tony's mouth meant more to him than hearing he no longer had to stay in prison.

"You mean them?" Zach said.

"Yes," Tony said, nodding his head. It was quiet for a moment, "Friends?"

Tony extended his hand, his good hand, and though a slight tremor went through his hand occasionally, Zach remembered the strength in Tony's grip and figured that at least one of them could be the strong one.

"Friends."

"Boss," Tony smiled, looking around the NCIS bullpen. He paused mid-step and would have fallen if Senior hadn't been there, steadying his son.

"Thank you dad," Tony smiled and looked at his dad before looking around again, "It's not orange anymore."

Getting up from his chair, Gibbs walked over to where Tony was standing and quickly gave the man he viewed as family a bear hug.

"Boss," Tony laughed, "Hmmm. Hi Boss."

"Hi Tony," Gibbs stepped back and used his fingers to move Tony's hair out of his eyes. Kid's hair was getting too long. He'd have…he'd have to ask Senior if he was going to cut it anytime soon.

"I know it's long," Tony smiled, "I'm gonna get it cut today. But Dad had to go to the doctor's and me too, and I told dad what a good idea it would be to come and he said yes cause we're leaving soon."

Gibbs gut flip flopped. The trip. Tony was leaving soon.

Not really knowing how Tony felt about him, the last time he had seen Tony he had made the man cry, but not wanting to push his luck, Gibbs nodded and stepped aside so the rest of his team could say hello.

"Hello Tony," Ziva said, a gentle smile on her face.

"Ziva," Tony said, returning Ziva's hug. As always, the trained assassin appeared totally comfortable around Tony, and really, if Gibbs could equate it to anything, he would agree that Tony now brought out more of Ziva's maternal side.

Or older sister side perhaps.

"Hey Tony," McGee said and gave Tony a hug as well.

"Probie! I got a new game you gotta see it. It has this level on it but I can't pass it yet but…" Tony trailed off as he felt everyone's tense mood.

"Guys," Tony said and hummed, his hand coming up to pull his hair before Baron nudged him with his snout, "Hmmm. I'm gonna come back. I promise."

When everyone's gazed turned to Senior, Tony sighed, "Dad show'em. Cause they…they think I'm gonna leave em but I'm not! Right dad?"

Senior, who had been watching everything from the sidelines, nodded and showed the team a print out of their flights.

"See? Shush," Tony said, rubbing his good hand up and down his chest, as if he were straightening his shirt.

"I'll come back."

"This is the rule," Tony said, a few days later when the team was at Senior and his house, getting ready to eat dinner.

"Okay Tony," Gibbs smiled. After Tony's surprise visit to the office, and after Tony had been practically tackled by Abby who had run up the flight of stairs to give the man a hug, Tony had taken Gibbs aside and with a look of almost nervousness, had quickly explained something to Gibbs.

And while Gibbs still did not agree with how Tony viewed Zach, as a friend who had made a mistake, he had promised Tony that he would at least try and understand.

"He didn't mean to hurt me Boss," Tony had said when it was just the two of them in the bullpen, Senior having walked away talking on the phone to someone in Italian and Gibbs' team chasing after a lead that had just come in on their case.

"That doesn't change the fact that he did," Gibbs had responded, working hard to keep anger in check.

"But you hurt me too Boss, the words you said the other day," Tony said, extending a hand carefully to gently touched Gibbs' forearm.

"That's not the same thing," Gibbs had responded.

"Why not? Shush shush. Orange blue, shuussh," Tony spewed out the unnecessary words before humming. It seemed, from what Gibbs gathered, that Tony was using the humming as almost a mechanism to stop the "extra" words from coming out.

"Because he broke the law."

"Hmmmm," Tony hummed before sighing, "He broke my head. But it's fixed now. And Boss, you hurt my heart with what you said. But if you want to fix it back too, you have to understand."

Gibbs shook his head, reaching over and placing one of his hands on Tony's face, "I don't know how to."

Tony and closed his eyes and bit his lip, before letting out a hum, "Boss, you have to try."

Gibbs, totally blown by the amount of forgiveness and love that Tony had in his heart, though he had known it was always there, nodded and used his thumb to gently brush Tony's cheek, "For you Tony I'll try."

Tony had nodded after that, before giving Gibbs the equivalent of a bear hug.

And that had been a few days ago. Now, they were sitting in Senior's dinning room, getting ready to eat a meal that Tony had made all himself. The whole team and showed up, even Jimmy and his new wife, and though conversation had quieted considerably when Zach had walked through the door, the mood had turned positive once again when Elijah had come through, yelling in happiness at Tony and picking the man up in his excitement.

Elijah, who seemed to accept the fact that Zach was at the table more graciously than any other member of Tony's former team, had taken up a conversation with Zach about cars, and how Elijah could make his run faster and more efficient.

"Listen," Tony said, the n trailing off into a hum.

He was nervous, Gibbs could see. Tony had been a wonderful cook before the accident, and Gibbs wondered if Tony was doubting his abilities now.

"No bad words," Tony finally said, "Just happy stuff. If you don't like it, then Elijah or Baron will eat it. Right?"

Everyone had started laughing at that, Elijah's reputation proceeding him, even now.

"You got that right Tony," Elijah laughed, "Now what did you make us?"

A smirk appeared on Tony's face, before he started to honest to goodness giggle.

"Pizza," Tony said, before laughing at the look on everyone's face.

"Anthony, ulcers my dear boy, ulcers!" Ducky said while everyone else smiled at Tony's good humor.

Tony still loved his pizza a bit more than what was healthy.

"Dad?" Tony asked, later on that night when everyone else had left. Their flight was in the morning, and Tony had already helped his dad get all of the things that Baron would need to come with them.

It was sorta like getting a passport for a dog, only different and harder cause Tony's dad had to do a lot of things ahead of time so that Baron could come with them.

Sal was going to take care of the horses, which was good cause Tony didn't want them to be alone. It was quiet now, and Tony should be going to bed but he wanted to stay up and talk to his dad for awhile.

"What's the matter Junior?" Senior said, setting down his coffee and writing another word down on his crossword puzzle.

"Why are we going to Italy?" Tony asked, with the tone of voice that showed Senior that Tony remembered what Senior had said, he just wasn't sure if he agreed with it or not.

"To visit our family Junior. They have not seen us in a very long time."

"After mom died?" Tony asked quietly.

"Yes, after your mother died," Senior nodded, "But still a very long time ago. There are things that need to be taken care off, before any more time passes. I won't be able to make such a long flight forever."

"Dad," Tony shook his head, not liking it when his dad said things like that. He didn't want to think of a time without his dad, "Is Nonna still there?"

"Yes Tony, but she is very old now."

"Is she going to die?"

"We all die son. And Nonna has lived a long life. But don't worry Junior. We will be in Italy in a few days and you will get to see her."

"She came to visit once," Tony picked at his t-shirt, before using his good hand to flatten the wrinkles out. Both Senior and he were relaxing in the living room, nothing but the typical evening sounds adding noise to the room. And Baron's snoring of course.

"She did," Senior nodded, "But even that was a few years ago. Before you had joined NCIS at least."

"She's not really my nonna, is she?" Tony asked.

Senior nodded, "My mother has been dead a long time Tony. Nonna was my mother's youngest sister. She raised me and your uncles and aunt after our mother died."

"Was your mom nice?" Tony asked. He didn't ever remember asking his dad about this before. And if he had asked, Tony felt in his chest that his dad would not have answered back then.

"She was a hard woman to know," Senior set his puzzle down, and gently grabbed Tony's fidgeting hand, rubbing out the tense muscles in the hand before patting it kindly and letting it go, "But she was very protective of us before she died."

"Mom was hard too," Tony nodded, his face scrunching up in memory and hummed before biting his lip, "Dad, did you always want me?"

"Junior," Senior said, shock in his tone, "What has brought this on?"

"I just," Tony shook his head and hummed, "I have a feeling, a bad feeling here," Tony said pointing to his chest, "And I can't make it go away. Last time I made it go away, I kept asking Ziva questions until I asked the right one."

"Well," Senior said, nodding his head as he tried to understand "I have always wanted you. You are my namesake. I just, I just might not have always been the best at showing it son. And for that I am truly sorry."

"I forgive you," Tony leaned over and placed his forehead to his dad's chest.

"Dad?" Tony whispered, knowing now he would fall asleep a lot better.

"What Junior?"

"I love you."

"I love you too son, I love you too."

I'm gonna be going away for awhile. I'm going to Italy, so Dad can see everyone again and so everyone can see both of us. I don't remember a lot of the people, but I don't think anyone will mind. Dad says that sometimes, even the people whose heads never get broke don't remembered much either.

I have this feeling in my chest. I don't know what it means, or why I have it. I don't have a secret surprise anymore, and Boss isn't mad at me. Zach is doing okay, and I think that Dad is really excited to go to Italy. Dad had to start a long time ago, to make sure Baron could go with me on the plane. I think I might be sick, only not sick with my head to fast. I think I might get the shakes real bad. I always felt bad like this before they come.

I hope they stay away. I really don't like them.

Sal isn't coming. Sal is gonna go stay and and take care of the horses, and it's just gonna be me and dad.

I'm excited and really nervous. I hope that the nervous in my belly is what's making my heart feel so bad.

But I don't think it is and I hope it goes away soon. I am excited about everything that happened with Zach and Boss and everyone, and I am happy I got to see them all again one last time before I go away for awhile.

But I'm going away for a while, and I won't be back for a while. Maybe when I'm back it won't be so scary, or make my heart go thump without making my belly turn in knots.

I don't know what's gonna happen, but I think it'll be good.

And even if it's not, it'll be okay.