Day 10

Thursday, February 10th

Morning

I really shouldn't have complained about the quietness of the previous few days. The air was thick and somber as I made my way into the kitchen to proceed with my usual morning ritual of cereal, followed by shower, and finally leaving to school. Mom was making her usual chamomile tea. Dad was in the living room, just sitting there, no TV played in the background.

"You can stay home if you want," Mom mumbled, "It would probably be better…"

I slowly shook my head as I ate my cereal. It was a cold outlook, but I knew time didn't stop just because someone died. I needed to move. Partially, I was hoping school would distract me from...whatever this was that I was feeling. This absence of feeling, yet desperation to feel something just to make sure I was still human. I think I was still in shock.

"The funeral arrangements have been made for tomorrow, so you're staying home tomorrow either way."

I nodded. That was fair. I finished my bowl and brought out my cell phone to text Aika.

Sakana: I'll be heading out early today. Don't worry about rushing to meet me, I'm alright.

I should probably forward it to Miyuki too, now that I think about it.

Sakana: (fwd from Aika) I'll be heading out early today. Don't worry about rushing to meet me, I'm alright.

I took my shower, put on some clothes and headed out with my usual bag near immediately, not even stopping to dry my hair. I was about to slip my headphones on and start heading in the direction of my school when I heard a rather loud 'OOIIIIIII!' coming from behind me.

It was Aika, coming in at a mad dash, followed a handful of meters away by a clearly slower Miyuki. Aika had a look of determination and bull-like stubbornness, while Miyuki looked worried beyond belief. I couldn't help but give a little annoyed sigh, but it wasn't like I could be mad at them either. I must have taken a longer shower than I thought for them to have ran all the way here and caught me, although it looked like they skipped theirs altogether.

"...I said you shouldn't rush out fo-"

"-Hey, what's the big idea, huh?" Aika interrupted me, "Sendin' texts like that to both of us, wh-"

"-I said I was alright-"

"-Bullcrap, you're alright! You never mean that when you say it, I've known ya long enough to know that much, and with the way you acted all weird yesterday too? As soon as I got the text, Yuki here texted me sayin' somethin' was up and I agreed. What happened, man?"

Yuki? They're close enough that she's shortening Miyuki's name now? Huh.

I looked away from both of them, not knowing what to say, what to feel. I was grateful they came after all, but I wasn't exactly ready to say this sort of thing...even to myself, as of then.

"Sakana…?" Miyuki said in a slow, inquiring, worried tone.

I looked down, letting my hair fall to shroud my eyes. I wanted to just say it. Could I just say it? I gritted my teeth. I felt guilt that they were even here to see me like this.

"...Sakana...we're worried about'cha...look, jus-"

"My grandmother is dead."

There it was. Blunt. Out there. I wanted desperately to make it sound prettier. I never called her 'grandmother', why did I say it like that? Why didn't I say she passed away? Maybe I needed to hear myself say it out loud, in full, with no sugarcoating, because after that, it all came flooding out like a dam just broke in my heart.

"She's dead...and for the past twelve hours I don't know...how I feel. I don't know how to feel. And I'm scared that I'm not feeling anything. Am I feeling things? I don't know. It's...it's not like I even knew her...that well. But you know...this is the first I've ever...been so close to death...seen it happen so...suddenly...I feel like I need to move on...but from what even? I'm so confused...so lost...I wanna vomit these weird feelings out so they're gone but it's like I just dry heave...and I liked my grandma too, I...I regret not being around her more and…"

I began to feel dizzy. My throat choked up, like there was a dense ball bearing in it. My knees gave way and I fell on them. My arms wraps themselves around me as I shivered.

"...and I just...feel like I messed up a lot...like I had these short chances to interact with her but...never bothered...it was all so fast...everything was fine, for eight days this was the best month I could have hoped for and now...it's like whiplash...I don't know what to say...I don't know how to feel...I don't know how to move on but I feel like I need to keep moving...the world doesn't stop because someone died, so I shouldn't either...right?"

I vaguely heard Aika mutter an expletive under her breath.

"And it's just so...I just...I...two days ago I had my first kiss and now this? It's...I just...it's overload...one day she was in my house sleeping and the next day...just, emptiness, all around, in the atmosphere, in the air, in the space her bed and chair left, in the sound, in me, I feel like...I feel sick…"

I fell silent for a moment, staring at the ground, and my knees that were on them. I vaguely noticed another set of knees in front of me now. Aika doesn't usually wear stockings… A gentle weight was placed on both of my shoulders, slowly, and I looked up to see Miyuki in front of me, on her knees as well at my height, her hands placed gently on my shoulders. Her look was a mix of worry, gentle kindness, and firmness.

"...Not to be rude," she began, "But...I feel it may be better for you to stay at home today. I think...you are being far too harsh on yourself, and you may be pushing yourself too far."

"But...I can't just sto-"

Miyuki interrupted me by placing a hand on the top of my head, like my head was a stop button.

"Everyone needs some time, Sakana, to handle this. Some say it can take up to a year to deal with the death of a loved one."

"I'm not going to just stay still for a year an-"

"And I'm not saying you should," Miyuki pressed, "But you must realize...when you have pushed yourself too much. I am certain all the others, Kagami, Tsukasa and Konata would all agree. Look at the state you are in…at the very least, you should not have to feel like this something you need to face alone."

A part of me knew she was right. At the very least, I was pushing too hard by keeping it all to myself. I looked at myself, a step away from curling up into a ball of misery, and yet attempting to drag myself out and into the world despite it all. I wondered if I should stay home after all…

Giving a glance back to my front door, I answered my own question with a rather certain 'no'.

"I...I can't go back in there, not now, not yet," I said after a few moments, "Not with that sort of atmosphere. Not that quietness and emptiness. I'm not just dragging myself out, I...I need to at least be somewhere else other than my place, and school happens to be the most convenient place."

Aika, who had mostly been silent, gave a concerned look. "You sure, man?" Near the same time, Miyuki also said, "Are you certain?"

I nodded, getting back up to my feet slowly. "Yeah...especially since tomorrow I'll have to...attend the funeral. And then there's the weekend...I'll have plenty of time at my own place. Right now...I can't. It's...it's too much in there. I just kind of want to get away to deal with it for a little while."

"Well...if you're sure…" Aika replied, still concerned, but looking like she was ready to get going nonetheless.

Lunchtime

I was oddly focused in World History class. Usually I found myself spacing out in all my classes, but today I was on top of everything, taking notes with precision and engrossing myself in the subjects taught.

Lunch brought me into a weird, limbo-ish mind feeling though. It was like I forgot how to socialize. I took my seat next to Konata, across Kagami and diagonal Tsukasa as usual, and here was where I spaced out today. A total inversion, where I would usually be engrossed in socializing, especially with this group of friends. I just sat there and ate slowly for a while.

"-what do you think, Sakana?" Konata asked, prompting a snap back to reality.

"Oh, uh...wha? What's the question?"

Konata gave a slightly deflated look, before perking back up and repeating herself, "What sort of game would you introduce someone to video games with if they've never played one before?"

I blinked for a second. Is that a real question? "Um...probably Mario."

Konata gave a smug smile. "Aaaah, but which one?"

"The first Super Mario Bros." I almost immediately replied.

"Hmmm, y'think so?" Konata replied with a faux-thoughtful look, "I'd have to go with World myself. The first one is too unforgiving for new players in this day and age, they'd complain it's too hard and there's no saving. Besides, it's a better game in basically every way~"

I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but if you're introducing someone to games, isn't starting from the most prominent beginning point better, then work their way up?"

"I think Super Mario Bros 3 would be the compromise there, then." Kagami pointed out.

"Nnn, I dunno," I replied, "Starting with a sequel as an introduction rubs me the wrong way, a numbered one even more so. I feel like the first one would get new players used to the simple core concepts. And World 1-1 is so classic, basically everyone should play it at least once in their lifetime just for pop culture context alone."

"Maybe starting someone off in this day with the New Super Mario Bros Wii game would be better?" Tsukasa, who had been silent until now, quietly presented, "It's the easiest, it has modern graphics, and they're still simple while being the most easy to use, that way maybe they'll want to come back to it since it's easy and fun, and maybe when they get used to it, they could go to the older, harder ones at their own pace?"

Konata looked like she was going to vomit. I admit, a part of me shared the same sentiment, but…

"Nn...you may have a point if we're talking about someone brand new to gaming in this day and age. The higher difficulty could alienate easily, I suppose."

"Ack." Konata responded with a weird hacking noise, "If they can't handle the difficulty of an older Mario game, they don't deserve to be playing games! Mario is the World 1-1 of video games, and you can even save in World, so there's no excuse to not keep trying there!"

"That's sort of mean!" Tsukasa pointed out with a slightly puffed cheek.

"We can all agree that starting with a 3D-controlled Mario game would probably be too much, too fast, right?" Kagami suggested.

"At the very least, don't start on Sunshine." Konata quipped.

We all nodded.

"Hey man, are you alright?" Konata asked, "You don't seem as energetic as usual, and that's sayin' something talking about you."

I froze, food about to enter mouth. Slowly I lowered my food back into my box, took a deep breath.

"I'm uh...I don't think now's a good time to talk about it."

"You know we're here for you if you need to talk about something." Tsukasa chimed.

"...thanks, I appreciate it, but um...mm...I won't be at school tomorrow, just to warn you all. Got a place I need to be with the family."

The three girls looked at each other with doubt, curiosity and slight concern. "Alright, well," Kagami mused, "If you're sure…"

I wanted to tell them. Pretty badly, actually. I didn't really want to keep it a secret, but I didn't want to ruin this lunch we were having or put a damper on the rest of their days. Thankfully, the bell rang for class.

"Tell you what," I told all three of them, "Miyuki knows what's going on. I don't have anymore classes with you folks so if you wanna know, ask her. I'll shoot her a quick text saying it's alright to tell you. Later, all." And with that, I hastily packed and went to class. In the hallway, I texted Miyuki briefly.

Sakana: If Konata, Tsukasa and Kagami come up asking you about what's going on with me, feel free to fill them in. I told them it was okay.

After School

I feel like I learned more about trigonometry that day than I had any other day. I was hyper-focused in class...most likely because I was looking for anything to distract me from confronting the inevitable trek back home and arrival after school. Exiting my last class, I went straight for the door, planning to walk home on my own until I realized I had a text from about half an hour earlier in class. Who was texting me in class?

It was Miyuki, of all people. Does she really care that much to risk a text in class? I don't even feel like she could pull that off.

Miyuki: Please let us walk with us back to your home. We wish to let you know that you do not have to go through this alone.

Geez…

My phone vibrated in my hands before I could reply. This time, a text from Aika.

Aika: Hey man wanted to say Im really sorry about this morning. I never know wtf to say when this sort of heavy stuff happens so I just kinda froze but I wanna let yknow still that I really care about you and Im really sorry for what happened and I wish I could do more besides just kinda be there and around.

Heh...awkward as ever. Ah, fine, I'll walk with them. It'll be fine.

Sakana (to Miyuki): Alright. You'll be out by the front entrance yeah?

Sakana (to Aika): Don't worry about it. I've known you long enough to know you didn't mean anything by it. *hugs* I appreciate it, even if you're just being around for me. I'll see you in a few mins.

A vibration.

Miyuki: Yes.

Sakana (to Miyuki): I'll be there in a few.

I pocketed my phone and headed down the hall, walking my way through and out the front door. Heading down the stairs, I hanged a left to go through the front entrance, and eyes slightly widened in small surprise when I saw the full troupe of Aika, Miyuki, Konata, Tsukasa and Kagami all there waiting for me.

"What...what're you all doing here?" I asked incredulously, even though I knew the answer already.

"Taking ya home." Konata replied simply with a smile and thumbs up.

"Look," Aika started, "We didn't exactly wanna just leave ya out in the cold, yeah? An' I know ya. You're the type that always tries to do stuff on his own just 'cause 'ohhh, I don't wanna be a burden to others, I don't wanna get in others' way, I don't wanna be a downer' 'n stupid shit like that."

"Miyuki filled us in," Kagami stated, "So there's no need to repeat anything or go through it all again."

"After Aika told us how you tend to deal with things like this," Tsukasa chimed, "We really wanted to make sure you didn't feel like you had to take this sort of thing by yourself the whole way."

"Of course it's eventually up to you to come to terms with it," Kagami clarified, "But for now, we'll help you get there, alright?"

"Actually, after Aika and I informed the others," Miyuki conceded, "It was Kagami-san's suggestion to do this, after which we all agreed wholeheartedly."

"Aaaah," Kagami sheepishly reacted, "I didn't want to say anything about that~"

This whole time, my head was lowered. I twitched a little. That lump in my throat formed again, more powerful than ever. I shut my eyes tight, covered my mouth, gasped. My knees gave way.

These were not bad things this time, however.

Through the sharp gasps I managed a few words. "Everyone...this…-" Another sharp gasp and a tear ran down my face. "This is...too much...thank you…" A couple more tears. "This...means so much…I've never...had this feeling before…"

"C'mon gals, everyone in, group hug~" Konata remarked and beckoned as she approached. I didn't see it, but Kagami rolled her eyes with a smile before approaching, and before I knew it, I was the center of a moeblob hug by everyone, gentle affirmations accompanied every so often. It lasted for a couple minutes, but I have to admit, considering the lowest point I had arrived from at the time, this was quite possibly the most feel good thing to ever happen to me then.

I felt like I could feel things again. I felt like I wasn't empty anymore. And all just because of this? Astounding.

After the group hug diminished, I wiped my eyes with a smile. "That was the best corny thing I've ever had happen to me in the history of ever." I said with a grin, then dropped it to a sincere smile. "Seriously...thank you all. I...I didn't realize how much I needed something like this."

I felt like I could go back to my house now and face what was inside.

We all walked as one large group towards my house, and eventually arrived whilst talking amongst each other. I'd asked what they were going to do about transportation, but they all said they could walk, with the exception of Konata, who said she was going to stay at Miyuki's house for the night.

"You sure you two'll be okay?" I asked the twins.

Tsukasa gave a little 'ehe' while Kagami nodded confidently. "It's only about a half an hour walk, remember?" Kagami pointed out, "And it's still afternoon, it's not too late at all."

Ah, right. I made that walk, I should know.

"Fair enough." I replied, satisfied as I turned to my house. I took a deep breath.

"You know," Miyuki suggested, "If you still do not feel well enough to go in there, you could stay at my house for a while until it gets late."

"It's...tempting. But I think I'm ready." I gave a little nod as I turned to the group. "Honestly and sincerely...thank you all. This meant so much to me…"

"It's gonna be tough," Kagami stated, "But try to keep on, alright? A-and, if you want someone to talk to, feel free to message me whenever; you've got my Skype and all."

"What was with that stutter?" Konata asked mischievously, getting all up in Kagami's face, causing her to redden slightly.

"I-i'm just not used to saying stuff like that to guys is all!"

"Actually, I should probably add you too," Tsukasa enchantingly said, "Even though I'm not on too often, ehe."

"I will be certain to add you when I get home." Miyuki stated with some determination, like it was some sort of undertaking.

"I'm uh...you know I'm not too good with the heavy stuff," Aika admitted, looking down a little, "But uh, if you want someone to just hang with and stuff, don't hesitate to ring me up, a'ight kid?"

"We're the same age." I replied with slightly puffed cheeks before giving a little smile and nod of affirmation.

"And you've already got my skype," Konata finished, "Maybe it'd cheer you up if you watched me play and make fun of some H-games on screen share."

"U-uh…" I just blushed madly, not even certain how to react.

"Christ, Konata…" Kagami muttered.

"Just know that through this bad time, we're here for ya, alright?" Konata continued cheerfully as though nothing had happened, "I think we're all on the same page there." Everyone else nodded and affirmed. "Especially tomorrow, since that'll be the funeral and all."

I gave a warm, genuine smile. "Thank you all. You've been so kind to me…get home safe, everyone." They assured me they would, and I looked back to my house, turned to face it, and started walking to the front door. Saying some last goodbyes, I entered in and closed the door behind me.

It was still quieter than usual. But I could deal with it better. Mom was in the kitchen, looking out the window that faced the front yard.

She saw the whole thing.

"You uh...got a harem going there?" Mom teased. It was clear that all of this was still affecting everyone in the house a lot, but...I think Mom was trying to work past it.

I gave a small blush. "I-it's not a harem. They're just my friends."

"That's what all harem protagonists say." Mom continued to tease. I puffed my cheeks in reaction.

"Mom, they...they all decided to walk home with me. I told a couple of them what was going on, and um...I told them it was okay to tell the rest of the group because I didn't wanna ruin lunch at the time by being a downer. Next thing you know they all planned that out after school and...they made me feel a lot better."

Mom gave a little smile. "It's good to know you've got so many rooting for you. I was honestly worried sick you'd end up taking all of it on alone. Makes me feel better a little."

There's that 'taking all of it on alone' thing again. Is it really obvious that's what I do? Do I really do that so often?

"If I had a dollar every time someone mentioned how I took it all on my own today…" I said with a little smirk.

"Just remember to be ready when you usually are," Mom stated more seriously, "We leave early to get to the funeral."

I nodded.