Chapter Two

Gillaen

I was always a loner. My family were druids. They always had been as far back as anyone could trace. But I had to be the odd one out. Oh, I learned all the spells, knew them by heart, but I couldn't use them. I couldn't channel the nature magic through my body. Even my little brother Arrentai had more skill than I did.

"It'll come in time," my mother said often, but it didn't. It was humiliating; I felt useless, a disappointment to my parents. In the end I gave up trying. If I couldn't be a druid I'd be something else. I was good at fighting; as a child I was always getting into scraps. I'd join the army.

So I said goodbye to my family and, with their blessing, headed to Gilneas city to join up.

At last I'd found my place, a life I enjoyed and plenty of new friends. There was one in particular I became close to. Nerissina Moonshade was a feisty blue eyed redhead; beautiful and delightful. She looked too slight to be a soldier but she could hold her own against the best of us. We became close friends and I felt I was falling in love with her. I didn't realise that she saw me more as the brother she never had.

Towards the end of our basic training a paladin visited our barracks seeking new recruits. All of us aspired to join the ranks of those elite warriors and we were at our best for him.

Just a handful of us were invited to train for that honour; Nerissina and I were among them. If we'd thought basic training was tough well now we really had our eyes opened. We underwent months of relentless hard work designed to make us skilled, powerful, self-sufficient. On top of that we had to learn to channel the Light, learning spells to aid us in healing and fighting. Given my experience with druid training I expected this to be my downfall, my expulsion from the paladins' ranks. I was surprised, astounded even, when I found that I was able to work with the Light. I also found that I had an aptitude for leadership and I was given command of our platoon.

Finally came the ceremony at Dawn's Light Cathedral where we were formally accepted into the elite ranks of the Paladins of the Argent Dawn. It was an occasion I would never forget. I stood in a circle of paladins and made my vows, and was given bright new armour and a warhammer, the traditional weapon of the paladins. Then I stood alone in the centre of the cathedral and opened my heart to the Light, feeling it fill me, empower me, remove all my doubts, make me whole. Words could never adequately describe how I felt; it was as if I had been born anew.

All of my companions in their turn underwent the same ceremony. To our delight, and on my part relief, all of us were accepted by the Light.

My family came to the ceremony, as did those of most of my companions. They were proud of what I had achieved and wanted to show their support. Only Nerissina had no one. She told me afterwards why. She had joined the army to escape an arranged marriage and her family could not forgive her for that.

Not long after that we were given a month's leave. Those of us who lived close enough would go home to our families. There were a few who'd be staying at the barracks. They lived too far away and travelling would take too long to be worthwhile; and on our wages they couldn't afford to pay for mage portals. Impulsively I invited them to join me. I knew my parents wouldn't mind; Mother had said I was welcome to take friends home anytime. Nerissina was among their number; she felt she wouldn't be welcome in her family. I knew she would be in mine.

So it was a merry bunch of us that arrived at our farm on that late summer afternoon. My parents made everyone welcome and Mother soon sorted out sleeping arrangements. Ours was only a small house so Nerissina and the other women, Jenna and Kaeti were given my room and I was banished to the hayloft along with the men. We didn't mind, we were used to roughing it out on patrol.

Arrentai wasn't around when we arrived; he was out working in the forest, Mother told me. For a while we sat around, drinking, eating, talking, telling my parents about life in the army. Then Nerissina stood up and said she was going for a walk; she wanted to check on her horse. I offered to go with her but she declined the suggestion. I think maybe she was feeling a little overwhelmed and needed some time alone. I watched her leave before turning back to the others, not missing my mother's knowing look. I believe she had seen how I felt, although thankfully no one else had.

When Nerissina returned some time later she wasn't alone; Arrentai was with her. I stared at my brother, seeing how he had changed. Although still skinnier than me, he'd got some muscle on him and he was tanned from his outdoor life. His golden hair was longer than ever and he wore it braided to keep it tidy. He'd even grown a beard like mine. The boy I remembered was a man now.

I watched him pour wine for himself and Nerissina, and saw how they looked at each other. I knew then that I had lost my chance with Nerissina. To hide my pain I teased them. They'd never learn from me how my heart was breaking.

Our leave passed all too quickly. There was plenty to do, riding, fishing, helping on the farm or just relaxing. And throughout that month I saw little of Nerissina and Arrentai. They usually went off on their own. I don't know what they did; I didn't ask; didn't want to know. I suspected they'd become lovers for Kaeti told me that Nerissina wasn't sleeping with her and Jenna at night.

When it came to leaving their farewells were no different to anyone else's. I guess they'd had a few more intimate moments earlier. Very little was said between Nerissina and myself on the journey. She didn't want to talk and I certainly wasn't going to ask.

For a while I tried to have a relationship with Kaeti. She was a nice girl and in any other circumstances we could have made it work; but my heart wasn't in it and I think she quickly realised that. It was no surprise to either of us when we agreed to end the affair after just a few weeks. It was not long after that that she left the army, saying she felt the life was not for her after all. I never saw her again.

Army life went on much the same as usual. Now I'd been promoted to platoon leader I led our patrols but otherwise nothing much had changed. The Scourge went on making a nuisance of themselves. They'd messed up Lordaeron so much that it was now being called the Plaguelands. Nearly everyone who was still alive had left, leaving the land for the undead. All we had left were a few isolated outposts. On top of that the worgen were making a lot of trouble, attacking patrols and villages, and carrying off people. I didn't know what they did with them; neither they nor their bodies were being found.

Eventually I found out in the most awful way. One night our camp was attacked by a large pack of worgen. By the time we drove them off several of our group had been bitten. Their wounds seemed minor so they were bandaged and we carried on. Then I noticed that some of them, Nerissina included, seemed ill and were acting a little oddly. I decided to end the patrol and head back to base, but my decision was made too late.

That night we were attacked again; they always came at night for some reason. Half asleep we tried to defend ourselves. I chanced to be fighting near Nerissina and I saw what happened. Suddenly she dropped her sword with a cry of pain that turned abruptly to a howl. Her body twisted, contorted, changed. The beautiful woman I knew had become a fearful savage creature, a worgen. With a wild wolf-like howl she turned and dashed away into the darkness. She wasn't the only one. As I counted the cost of that awful night I realised that all those who'd previously been bitten were now missing. Had they too changed like Nerissina? Was this how the worgen added to their numbers rather than by breeding?

There were too few of us left to follow them. With a heavy heart I ordered the return to Gilneas where I made a report to our officers. They didn't seem as surprised by it as I would have expected. It turned out that they'd known for some time that this was happening but they were trying to keep it contained; rather unsuccessfully I thought. We were ordered not to talk to anyone about what had happened. What was I supposed to tell my brother I demanded, he needs to know that Nerissina is missing. Tell him that she's dead, they told me. As far as he's concerned she might just as well be. So I wrote to tell Arrentai that the woman he loved was lost in an attack by the worgen. I couldn't tell him that she'd become one of them; I just let him believe she was dead. I only wished I could believe the same; instead I had to suffer the heartbreak of knowing the truth.

I was given command of a new patrol and life went on in our endless struggle against the Scourge. Some months later I noticed worgen appearing in the ranks of the army. I'd thought they were just mindless beasts so this surprised me. However I just accepted it as I accepted most of our commanders' decisions. I finally found out more when my senior officer called me and some other patrol leaders to a meeting.

Shadowfang Keep, where a lot of the feral worgen hid out, had been raided and its master, the Archmage Arugal, had been killed. Many of his worgen prisoners had escaped and subsequently been captured by hunting parties. For some time scientists working for the king had been working on a cure which they had tested out on the prisoners. The potions had restored their minds and memories and enabled them to control their bestial natures although they could not restore their human bodies.

Among those who'd returned were several belonging to our patrols. We were asked would we accept them back again; apparently not all commanders were willing to work with the worgen. So long as they were controlled I didn't have a problem; after all I was used to my family turning into animals although unlike the worgen they at least could return to their human bodies. I was happy to take them back.

I was given a list of names and told to collect them from the barracks. There were at least three or four dozen worgen waiting there anxious to learn their fates. For a moment I stood and gazed round at them and they looked back at me; some defiant, hostile, anxious, some unable to meet my eyes. I unfolded the list and read out the names of those assigned to me; each one stepping forward in turn. I knew the names but it was like meeting strangers, they looked so different. Then:-

"Nerissina Moonshade"

She stepped forward a pace and gazed at me steadily. If she had not moved I wouldn't have known her. The woman I remembered was slim, petite, barely reaching my shoulder. The worgen who faced me was tall, still slender, but more muscular, able to easily look me in the eye. Her red hair had become a dark shaggy mane and her lovely face the muzzle of a wolf covered in fine silver grey hair. Only the eyes were unchanged, but oh so sad.

When I'd finished calling out the names I ordered them to be ready to leave within the hour. I needed to get back to my patrol and I wanted them to go with me. I figured it would be best to get them straight back into our normal routine.

I went outside to wait for them. Nerissina's reappearance had shaken me and I needed some time to myself, to get my feelings under control. She was the first to join me a few minutes later, kitbag in hand. She put it down and stood a few paces away from me gazing out towards the forest. I watched her in silence at first, wondering; did she wish she was still running free out there; then I commented,

"Arrentai will be happy to know you've returned."

She looked round at me, and I could see the fear in her eyes.

"No. He can't know of this."

"Neri, he needs to know. I can't keep this from him."

"If you must tell him I've returned, then tell him this also. I don't want to see him again. Tell him I no longer love him. What we once had is over."

She turned away from me, her head bowed, and would say no more.

"I don't believe a word of that; but if it's what you want."

"It is." Her voice was harsh, but still I could hear the sadness; and with sudden insight I realised her reason. She could obviously see no future with Arrentai as she was now and this was her way of ending their relationship.

Once the others were ready we headed out into the forest to the place where my patrol was camped, waiting for my return. I called them all together and told them what I expected; that they would work together, human and worgen, as one team. There were a few grumbles from them until I made it clear that I would stand no nonsense. After a few days they'd got used to each other and worked as well as they ever had done. The worgen proved to have an unexpected benefit; with their heightened senses they made excellent sentries and we were seldom if ever caught in a surprise attack.

Problems with the feral worgen tailed off for a while. With worgen in our ranks they seemed more wary about attacking us. Not so the Scourge; they were more trouble than ever, taking over the Plaguelands and making forays into the surrounding countryside. Several platoons, including mine, were sent to keep them contained. But our commanders had underestimated the problem and we were seriously outnumbered. We went into battle knowing we had little chance of winning. So many of us fell that day, dying at the hands of the Scourge's undead warriors, only to be raised to serve with them. Surrounded by the terrible creatures and their fabricated allies I fought to the bitter end. I never saw the one that struck the blow that killed me; I remember only the icy coldness of its blade as it pierced my heart and stole my soul.

I awoke in the cold vastness of the Ebon Hold, all my memories gone, to learn that I was now a member of the Scourge, a servant of the Lich King. And I served, loyally, terribly. There was no deed so bad that I would not do it if my dread master asked it of me. I even killed unarmed prisoners without any scruples. I just didn't care. With no soul, I had no conscience to trouble me.

However it was one of those prisoners who caused me to doubt what I was doing. She was a pretty blonde girl, well, woman really; she looked to be about the same age as I was when I died; as I still was. We didn't apparently age although we could still die again... and be raised again at the Lich King's whim. Anyway she was one of several prisoners being held in a chapel that we had captured from the Scarlet Crusade. They were a varied lot, all different races, all injured in some way or another. I don't know what they'd done wrong to upset the crusaders, but there they were.

The Lich King wanted to test my loyalty, I was told. I don't know why; I'd obeyed every order, committed every foul deed, taken pleasure in the suffering of our enemies; but still it wasn't enough. I had to go in there and kill this wounded unarmed woman.

When I walked in all the prisoners stared at me fearfully, wondering whose turn it was to die. More than one of them began to cry. My gaze fell on a goblin and he cowered back, blubbering noisily like a child. I turned away in disgust and walked the length of the room, pausing now and again, delighting in the terror I was causing.

At last I stopped in front of the woman. She knelt there silently; as my shadow fell on her she knew it was her turn; but she didn't cry. She looked up at me and I could see the pain on her face. I doubted she had much longer to live anyway. She struggled to her feet and stared at me defiantly.

"I know you're going to kill me," she said quietly, "and I'm ready to die; but I will not do so grovelling at your feet. I'll meet my death face to face."

I laughed coldly, mirthlessly, and drew my sword. The runes etched into the blade glowed in the dimness, lighting my face and she gasped.

"Gillaen! What have you become? Why are you doing this?"

I hesitated, confused. She obviously knew me but I had no memory of her.

"I'm Ellen," she whispered. "I lived on the farm next to your family's. We played together as children, grew up together. Don't you remember me?"

Her words meant nothing to me; I remembered nothing of my past. I raised my sword.

"Make it quick, please. Don't let me become what you are."

"Kneel!" I ordered coldly. She did so, her gaze never leaving my face. Outside I heard the officer calling to me to hurry up. With a cry of anger I swung my sword round and took her head off. She would not become the terrible thing that I was. It was the only mercy I could give her.

I turned away from her blood-soaked decapitated body and gazed at the others, feeling a new strange ache in my heart.

"I'm so sorry," I said. "You're all going to die in the end. I wish I could help you."

I walked away from that place feeling the first seeds of doubt growing in my heart. Yet for now I still served, obedient, unquestioning, loyal.

I infiltrated the ranks of the crusaders to steal their battle plans and learned of their intended assault on our army. Mounted on one of the Scourge's undead skeletal flying creatures I joined the battle against the Scarlet Crusade at Tyr's Hand, killing them mercilessly and bringing them into our ranks. My reward was the recognition of the Lich King himself and a new terrifying helmet.

Only one thing now stood in our way. Light's Hope Chapel and the forces of the Argent Dawn. We were ordered into battle and unquestioning we obeyed. There were thousands of us; we should have won easily against the few hundred of them. But time and again they beat us back. They fought on the holy ground surrounding the chapel and it seemed to strengthen them. We on the other hand felt weakened, powerless.

In the end our officers told us to stand down. We waited there not knowing what we would do; even the officers seemed to have little idea.

Then a paladin appeared in the ranks of the Argent Dawn, his bright armour lighting up the shady woodland about us. Again I felt that pain in my heart, of memories, lost and trying to be found. Paladin – the word had meaning to me, but what? Had I been a paladin? Had I worn that bright armour in my past life, wielded the light like a weapon? I tried so hard to remember and yet I could not. The memories remained tantalisingly just out of reach.

The paladin called out to Darion Mograine, our commander, his voice weaving memories of Mograine's past, bringing visions of a child and his father. His words made me want to weep, yet I could not; that ability had been stolen from me along with my soul.

The Lich King appeared among us and challenged the paladin. He had it seemed been hunting for him and this battle had been a lure to bring him out into the open. Mograine, angered by such betrayal and with the words of his father's spirit in his heart, turned on the Lich King. He fought bravely but his sword was corrupted and he was not strong enough. Rather than submit he threw his sword to the paladin who blessed it and sprang into battle with it. He would have won, but the Lich King fled, leaving his army to the mercy of his enemies.

We expected to die, but we did not. The paladin flooded the whole valley with cleansing, restoring light. Overwhelmed I sank to my knees, feeling the light burn the evil from within me, healing me, making me whole again. I remembered once again what I had been, a paladin, a protector, a wielder of the Light, my life devoted to the service of others. And I wept; my tears not for myself, but for all those whose lives I had destroyed.

I heard the paladin, Tirion Fordring swear to take the battle to the Lich King in Northrend and Mograine agree to go with him.

I arose unsteadily and walked towards the small, rough built, wooden chapel that had been the focus of our battle. All about me, as far as I could see, were other death knights, many of them dead or seriously injured, some tending their wounds, others just sitting there, lost in their memories. Many like myself wept for the shame and guilt of what we had done.

Ahead of me knelt a female worgen, a bloody bandage tied round her arm. As I got closer I realised that I knew her. I put my hand on her shoulder and she looked up at me. All this time I hadn't known that Nerissina too had served the Lich King. I helped her to her feet and together we walked into the chapel and knelt in prayer, vowing that we too would go to Northrend to fight the Lich King. I did not know if I would be strong enough, but it was the only way I knew to expiate my sins, the crimes I had committed against my fellow men.

Mograine waited as we walked outside. He ordered us back to the Ebon Hold, to cleanse it of what remained of the Scourge. We travelled there by means of a deathgate, a portal, and as we stepped through it I found that I now knew the spell that would summon one whenever I needed it.

Together with the other death knights we made short work of dealing with the abominations and ghouls that remained. Many had already fled to continue their evil work elsewhere. We would find them eventually. But for now it was enough that we had made a new home for ourselves, a place where we would be welcome, where we could come to train, to repair, to heal, to reforge the rune weapons that we kept.

We became the Knights of the Ebon Blade; both Horde and Alliance together we would now fight against the Scourge under the command of Darion Mograine. For some time I stayed at the Ebon Hold. I didn't feel ready to face the wider world; the hunger for killing that the Scourge had inflicted on us was still strong in me, I found it difficult to control and was afraid it would drive me to harm those I was meant to serve. Otherwise I had no problem in adjusting to my new found freedom, in learning how to adapt to a new way of life.

Life; what an ironic word. What kind of a life could I expect? Technically I was still undead. Our souls, our memories, our emotions; all these had been restored to us; but nothing was said about our bodies, I don't think anyone knew. We looked alive, as we had always done; well apart from the undead ones, they still looked as though they were about to fall apart; our bodies functioned as before; but we had lost that vital spark of life, and without it we could not create new life. If I chose to do so I could sleep with a woman but I would never be able to father a child, never see future generations come from me.

Eventually Mograine called me to speak with him, wanting to know why I had not left the Ebon Hold to return to my own people.

"You have adjusted well, you're proving to be a good leader; I've seen how you've helped others who were not so sure of themselves; so why then do you hold back from that final step?"

When I told him of my fears, he told me that I was underestimating myself; that I was strong enough to cope, to control myself. He handed me a sealed letter.

"Take this to Varian Wrynn," he ordered me. "Let him decide if you can't."

And so I left the Ebon Hold by means of a portal that took me to the gates of Stormwind. There was no turning back now, alone in a land that hated and loathed what I had become. I had to present myself to the king. And the only way to reach him was to walk through the streets of the city. It was an ordeal more frightening than many a battle I'd been in. The moment I set foot through the gates I was recognised for what I was; my dark saronite armour, my rune inscribed soulblade, my very eyes with the unholy Scourge light shining bright in them; they all identified me unmistakably. We were hated perhaps even more than the Horde, regarded as traitors to our own kind.

For the whole of that long walk I was tormented, abused, reviled, threatened. Many spat at me or threw rotten fruit; one or two even drew knives and attacked me. I heard calls for me to be executed. Even the city guards joined in. I took it all. I could not defend myself; to draw my weapon against my own people would have proved me to be all they believed. It was, I knew, my just well-deserved punishment.

At last I reached the keep and respite from the crowd's abuse, if not that of the guards. But they couldn't touch me without orders from the king. I walked slowly up the broad stairs leading to the door and presented Mograine's letter to the guard. He read the words on the outside and handed it back to me.

"You take this to the king," he said sharply. He didn't want to let me in; that was obvious but he had orders he must obey. I nodded briefly and walked past him, through long corridors until I reached the throne room. Again I was stopped; again I showed the letter; and I was admitted. I hesitated inside the door, unsure of what to do.

A guard took the letter and handed it to the king. Breaking the seal, he opened and read it. Then he looked up at me and beckoned me forward. I strode forward to stand perhaps two sword lengths away from him, and knelt in submission.

"So you have come to rejoin the Alliance?"

"Highlord Mograine believes I am ready to do so," I replied quietly.

"But you don't? I sense doubt in you."

"I have many doubts, but if you accept me then I will serve to the best of my ability."

He regarded me critically, re-read the letter, and looked up again.

"Then join us, my friend, and be welcomed back to the Alliance."

Still kneeling I swore an oath of fealty to him, the same oath I had sworn to my own king so many years ago. Then at his command I arose, bowed and left the keep. For better or worse I was now a soldier in Stormwind's army. I made my way to the barracks to sign on and be assigned quarters and duties; then I was told to take the evening off, to explore the city, and get to know my way around.

I left the barracks and stopped to look around. For the first time I noticed the bright decorations that hung from many buildings. I had no idea even what time of year it was so I asked a guard. He showed no surprise at my question; I suppose he was used to other death knights asking the same thing. It was the feast of midwinter he told me; the eve of the shortest day when people celebrated the returning of the Light as the days grew longer. We'd had similar festivities back in Gilneas.

I wandered the streets, observing, taking no active part; and eventually I came to an open square. There was a fountain in the centre with a statue of some hero I did not recognise. My memories still had so many gaps.

Dominating one side of the square was a massive building; pure white stone, towers, spires, windows of coloured glass. I'd never seen it before, but instinctively I knew that this was the Cathedral of Light. I felt drawn towards it, walking slowly up the wide steps and through the always open door. I did not even know if I would be welcome but I had to go in.

A few robe clad priests watched me warily, but none spoke or approached me as I walked forward. Near the altar I stopped and knelt. And I prayed; for forgiveness, redemption, for the strength to serve; and most of all I prayed that the Light would once more return to me and fill the emptiness in my heart. I became aware of Light filling the building, bathing me in its warmth, healing my pain, my doubts, my fears, but it did not enter me as it had once done. This was how it must be, I now realised. I would serve the Light and it would watch over me, protect me, heal me; but never again would I be able to use it as I had once done. The Scourge, the Lich King had changed me too much.

I wept for all that I had lost and gave thanks for what I had regained.