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Chapter 2

"Danny?" There had already been three knocks on his door, but Daniel didn't answer. He continued to stare at the ceiling. There really was no peace in this house. No escape from his brothers. There was always someone there to pester you. Sure, it was nice when you needed them or wanted them, but when you wanted to be alone, there was bound to be a brother coming after you.

Unlike the previous two brothers, his youngest brother didn't give up so easily. And he was always harder to ignore, especially not when you'd unwillingly upset that little brother. Another knock and Daniel spoke up, "Go away, Guthrie, I wanna be alone."

"But I brought you pumpkin pie."

"I don't want any."

"But you love it." Guthrie sounded honestly surprised and Daniel groaned.

"Not tonight."

"Crane'll be back. Adam promised me."

Normally, Daniel would have found the 9-year-old's insight and empathy extraordinary. Unfortunately, he was feeling too lousy and absorbed in his own misery to give the words much thought. "Adam can go stuff himself."

The door swung open and in the door was the man who supposedly needed to go stuff himself. Daniel didn't even cringe.

"Guthrie," A bad-tempered Daniel wondered why Adam's gentle voice was always reserved for his younger brothers and not him, "why don't you go and get ready for bed while I give Daniel his dessert.

"Not the bad kind, right, Adam?"

"Huh?" For a moment Adam didn't know what Guthrie meant, but then he had to smile, "The bad kind is called just desserts, so Daniel is fine." He took the plate and gave Guthrie a little push towards the bathroom, but the boy still had some doubts.

"Are ya sure, Adam? Cause you looked mad and you sounded mad and Daniel didn't do nothing bad."

"He didn't do anything bad."

A bright smile appeared on Guthrie's face, "Good!" And off he ran.

Adam shook his head smiling as he stood in the doorway for a few moments, looking at the angry 14-year-old's back. Daniel had turned over the second the door opened and was now looking at the wall, determined not to acknowledge Adam.

"You sure you don't want pumpkin pie?" When there was no reply Adam stepped inside and closed the door. The room was actually rather tidy for a teenager's room. He couldn't help wondering if Crane had tidied when he was home, because he'd always thought it was because of Crane that the room was always so tidy. He sat down on Crane's bed and picked up the fork. "Well, it's a shame to throw it out…" Still no response and so he pretended to take a bite, "Sure is good pie….was that a snort I heard?" But after the snort Daniel had gotten himself under control again and so Adam put the plate down on the small bedside table. "Look, buddy, I'm sorry. It's not an excuse but I've had a long, hard, and rotten, muddy day and I was in a grumpy mood to begin with. You didn't say anything really mean or horrible, you were just voicing your own sadness over not having Crane here now. I get it. And I shouldn't have blamed you for Guthrie getting upset."

Now a soft sniff was his answer and he moved to Daniel's bed. He reached out to Daniel's back and hesitated for a second. Daniel and he were at each other's throats so often that he wasn't sure what to do anymore. Daniel could easily be offended by the gesture and then this whole thing might quickly escalate into something nasty. He decided to take a risk, but placed his hand on the boy's arm instead of rubbing his back. He could feel the body stiffen, but Daniel didn't shrug him off and after a few moments he relaxed ever so slightly.

"I know you miss Crane. We all miss him, but you two are so close that it's harder on you than any one of us. And I'm sorry."

"Like you care."

"I care, buddy. I wish you didn't have to miss your brother."

"You told him to go to college."

"Daniel, you know why I did that."

"Yeah, cause you wanted him gone."

"That what you think? I just don't believe that you believe that."

"Why not? It's the truth. You yelled at him and told him he was going whether he liked it or not. You never used to yell at him."

"You know I wasn't really yelling at him. I was helping him."

"By yelling at him? That's stupid."

"No, not really. Crane really wanted to go, but he felt like he couldn't leave. Couldn't leave Brian and me to have to do without his help. Couldn't leave me to do the bookkeeping. Couldn't leave the ranch. Couldn't leave you….his heart was pulling him in different directions. So I helped him be a little selfish for a change, to think about what was right for him."

"Not for us."

"What's good for Crane ultimately is good for us too. It's just hard to see it right now."

Another noncommittal shrug from Daniel.

"And you've visited Crane. You know how much he enjoys being there. Would you really begrudge him that? After everything he did for you?" Adam knew it was a low blow, but he hoped it would get through to Daniel.

Daniel, on his part, was struggling with his emotions. One second he was sad, the next angry. And now Adam had added guilt to it as well.

"You think about that, okay, buddy?" Adam had kept his hand on Daniel's arm and now dared giving it a quick rub and squeeze. "I'll leave the pumpkin pie here, just in case you feel like it in a little bit." As he left the room he congratulated himself on not losing his temper at the unresponsiveness, like he normally would have. But then, he knew it had been hard for him too, to say goodbye to Crane again. The realization he had come to over Thanksgiving had not helped. It had actually been harder this time than it had been the first time. For some reason, over the holiday, Crane had finally become one of his kids too, someone he was responsible for despite being 18, and he worried even more now.

As he closed the door he saw Brian look at him from the top of the stairs. He answered the questioning look with a shrug, "I don't know." The look Brian threw him told Adam that he had messed up at dinner. Well, he knew that. He just hoped he'd used the right words to help Daniel. He wasn't sure. He had relied on Crane too long. And again he felt that pang of guilt at Crane's missed childhood or rather, teenage years. Giving Crane that spanking, hearing his cries, knowing how much he was hurting him, had torn Adam apart. He knew it was the right thing to do. He knew he'd do it again if he had to, but it killed him to do it.

And he'd kept a close look on his little brother all during Thanksgiving dinner, noticing every shift and hidden wince. And every time he saw it, it was like a dagger through his heart. But the hug Crane had so readily accepted and the shy smile he'd given his big brother when Adam had pulled him on the soft sofa next to him after dinner, those were equally painful. Painful and wonderful at the same time. Because it was clear that Crane needed this too. The boy craved the comfort and love from his family. He'd always had that love, but the comfort had been lacking. And raising him.

And when Adam now looked at Daniel, Evan and Ford, all older than Crane had been or the same age, it was impossible not to realize how differently Brian and he had treated Crane. It was hard not to be overwhelmed by remorse over that. No matter what Crane had told him. Or Brian for that matter. So he tried to atone. And he did so by learning from Crane. He'd never had Crane's patience but he was trying to think before he spoke. As he walked down the stairs he had to grin. His parents had tried to teach him that all his life. Apparently, he really was the type to have to learn by experience, learn by making mistakes.

The sight of Evan and Ford sprawled out on the floor playing a card game that looked a lot like Poker, brought him out of his reveries. "What did I tell you about gambling?"

"But Adam," Evan protested, "We're not gambling, we're just playing for matches."

"Yeah, it ain't like real gambling," Ford added.

"It isn't like real gambling."

"See? Even you say so, Adam."

Evan rolled his eyes, "Adam was correcting you, Ford, not agreeing with you."

"Oh," Ford sounded a little confused, "So it is like real gambling?"

"Well…," Adam hesitated. "It's not exactly the same, because you can't lose real money and get in trouble. But you might get the idea that you're really good at the game and start playing for real." He sat down on the floor with the boys. "And you know what? When you play for real money, all of a sudden the game changes. The thought of winning or losing real money does things to your mind and you play differently."

"We won't play for real, Adam," Ford leaned against Adam and was immediately rewarded by an arm around his shoulders.

"I believe you, buddy."

"Are you saying we can't play poker, Adam? Are we in trouble?"

"You're not in trouble, Evan." The boys visibly relaxed at those words and it made Adam wonder if he really was such a strict parent. But all he wanted was to protect his brothers, keep them safe, for now and the future. "I'm curious though. Where did you learn this game?"

"From Johnny's big brother Tony. He was home from college and we were playing Go Fish and he said he knew another game that was more fun." Evan had to agree with Tony that Poker was more fun than Go Fish, but he wasn't sure he should tell Adam that.

Adam wondered if he should have a word with Johnny's parents. And then he wondered if Crane was playing Poker as well. Maybe it was something they did at parties at college. Adam felt it was a waste of money and could only lead to trouble. He tried to get his thoughts back to the situation at hand. "It's not so much a bad game, it's just a card game. It's just that it's usually played for money and I don't want you getting the idea that it's fun or that you're good at it. So I'm not forbidding it," He decided to take a huge leap of faith, "but I'll say I prefer you playing Go Fish or another card game."

Evan filed that away for later. After all, Tony had also mentioned something called Black Jack. If another card game was okay, maybe they could ask Tony about that next time he was home.

"Okay, Adam," Ford was immediately ready to accept Adam's words, "we won't play Poker no more." The boy was just glad he wasn't in trouble.

"We won't, Adam," Evan echoed his younger brother, causing Adam to smile. Apparently he got through to them without blowing up at them.

"Good, you have no idea how glad I am to hear that. So what do you say to a game of Go Fish then?"

It wasn't often that Adam played games with them. That had been more Crane and Crane wasn't there now.

"Really, Adam? Really?" Ford was already collecting the cards to shuffle them. "That's so cool."

"Yeah sure," Evan tried to play it cool, but Ford's excitement was catchy.

When Brian came down from making sure Guthrie was washed up, teeth brushed and all, he nearly fell from the last step seeing Adam on the floor playing cards. "Wish I had a camera here. Just so you can never deny this happened."

"Oh hush you!" Adam laughed, "didn't you have a Jeep to check?"

Brian groaned, "Darn. And it's getting dark too. Well….I might as well see if I can do something about it or if it has to wait till morning. It would be real nice if there was coffee when I get back inside."

"Hmmm," Adam grinned at the retreating back, "Maybe the pixies will make some."

It caused the younger boys giggle but Brian just shook his head as he shouldered into his coat. "Funny, bro, real funny."

Daniel's mood had not improved the next morning. In fact, chewing on his angry thoughts all night had caused them to fester. By the time he came downstairs to do his morning chores there had already been some door slamming and an angry word or two. Wood chopping was something that worked well for working off anger, but working with the animals didn't and Daniel's chores consisted mostly of that in the morning.

"Whoah!" Brian called. The man had stepped into the barn to immediately have to duck out of the way of flying hay. "The horses never did anything to you, buddy!"

"I'm not doing anything to them," Daniel retorted, but disproved his words when his next toss missed Evan's horse Diablo by an inch.

Brian immediately grabbed his arm and shook the boy a little, "Hey! You never, ever take your anger out on an animal. Be glad Evan wasn't here to see that or he would have been the one taking out some anger. At you. And then I would have had to get mad at the both of you."

"So?"

"So?" Brian was baffled. The anger he was watching reminded him a lot of the anger Daniel had felt in the early years after their parents' deaths. But he thought the boy had dealt with all that anger. "Look, you're done here. I don't want you anywhere near the horses or any other animal as long you can't keep your anger under control."

"That's bull shit, Brian!" Daniel struggled against the hold on his arm, but Brian wasn't giving an inch.

"Excuse me? You've got a choice now: dollar in the jar or soap."

"How about neither."

"I can make it both."

"What the hell, Brian? You gonna give me a whipping too?"

"Why would I give you a whipping?"

"Isn't that what you and Adam do?"

"You know very well that we don't do that lightly. A bit of swearing or attitude or back talk isn't going to get you a whipping. Where do you get these crazy ideas?"

"Not crazy."

"Well, I'm not giving you a whipping and I don't know where you're getting the crazy idea that that is what we do. But I stick to my decision: you're not working with the animals until I feel I can trust you to keep your anger under control. I'll rearrange the chores. And you owe the jar a dollar, assuming you weren't going to choose soap. I should make it two cause you swore again, but I'll stick to one."

"No," Daniel sure didn't want to taste soap. And he knew he should be extremely grateful he was offered the choice as the monetary option was usually reserved for the two oldest McFaddens. And he knew that if it had been Adam he'd already been spitting soap.

"Good. Now, I'll finish up in here, you go inside and give some thought to why you're angry and who you have to talk to to fix it. Because holding on to anger is like drinking poison while expecting the other person to die from it. Doesn't work that way. You think about that."

With that he let go of Daniel's arm and the boy took off. Daniel didn't like being forced to think about what he was feeling. He was still torn. And he needed Crane to sort it out for him. He really needed Crane.

"Adam! Brian!" Guthrie was the first to run into the house that afternoon, "I got an A!"

"An A? A real A?" Brian picked him up and twirled him around in the air. "That is great, kiddo! I knew you could do it."

"Me too, Guth," The boy was passed on to his biggest brother, "And you did it yourself. I just helped you plan it out. You did great."

"And you know what? Miss Cindy said that it was the best in the class. And it'll be showed at the Christmas…the thing they do…"

Adam laughed, "You mean at the Christmas Parent Day? You're saying she'll have it displayed with all the best projects the kids did all semester?"

"Uh huh!" Guthrie was so excited it was making everyone smile. "That's what she said."

"Well, I'll be…."

"Well, you and me both, Bri," Adam hugged Guthrie close. "I'm so proud of you!"

"You'll be there, right? You'll come? You'll all be there?"

"Wild horses couldn't keep us away, kiddo," Adam assured.

"We'll all be there. Hopefully even Crane."

"You think so, Brian?" Guthrie looked hopeful.

"Well, don't get your hopes up, but Crane's coming home for Christmas," Adam didn't want Guthrie disappointed if Crane wasn't home on time, "So hopefully he'll be on time. But otherwise we'll show him pictures. Okay?"

"Okay," Guthrie trusted his oldest brothers without question.

"I guess the squirt told you already," Ford commented as he walked through the door. "He was bouncing all the way home on the bus. I doubt there's a person on that bus that doesn't know he got an A."

"Well, rightly so," Adam finally put Guthrie down, "He has a right to be proud. He did really well. Where are your brothers?"

"Eh…Evan's in the barn."

That was no surprise. Evan usually went straight to the barn to give Diablo an apple and say hi. It was what got him through the day. The fact that he was grounded from working with the horse didn't mean that he couldn't go see him, which was a blessing for the young teenager. It was hard enough as it was.

Adam waited another second, but no more information was forthcoming and it was clear Ford didn't want to say more either.

"And Daniel?"

Ford pulled a face. "Adam…." He hated that Evan had gone straight to the barn leaving him to give Adam and Brian the bad news. "I don't wanna tell…"

"What did he do, Ford?" Adam insisted.

"Did he get detention?" Brian guessed.

"No…not exactly…"

Adam groaned, "That doesn't reassure me, buddy."

"He got in trouble, I think, but no detention."

"So why isn't he home?"

Ford's face was a picture of misery and Brian took pity on him. He pulled the boy over to the sofa and pulled him down. "It's not like your tattling, Ford. Unless he's somewhere you know we don't want him to go….Is he somewhere dangerous?"

"No, honest. He's safe."

"Well, as safe as he can be with his attitude, getting in trouble at school and not coming straight home as he's supposed to," Adam groused, but he got started on pouring glasses of milk and slicing some fresh banana bread. They were always hungry at the end of the school day and dinner was still too far away. He sat Guthrie at the table to eat his piece of banana bread while listening to his brothers in the living room.

"So you're telling us that he's safe, but doing something we don't approve off. And he'll be home late."

Ford nodded against Brian's side. "I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong, buddy. That's all on your big brother. He shouldn't get into trouble and he should get on the bus after school instead of doing other things. I won't make you tell me as long as I know he's safe and not off to Alaska or something."

That made Ford giggle, "No, he doesn't like the cold."

"Well…or Florida."

"He likes it fine here. He's just really mad. Why is he so mad?"

"Well," Brian thought for a second, "I wish I knew, but you know what? Things always come out in the end. It may take some time, but eventually we'll hear what's wrong. And then it's probably something that would have been so much easier to fix if he'd only told us sooner."

"Like when I had trouble with math last year and never told you."

"Right, just like that. If you'd have told us, we could have helped you with your homework. Crane would have loved that. But since you never told us your grades on your homework and the smaller tests, it got out of hand."

"Can't you just make him tell you?"

"Doesn't work that way. He has to be ready to talk. You know how stubborn he can be." Daniel wore his heart on his sleeve and was very sensitive, but he when he didn't want to talk, he usually clammed up and nothing could make him talk. "But don't you worry, things'll be alright."

"I hope so, cause he keeps picking fights with Evan."

"Ah…well, if things get out of hand there, I'll deal with it. Or Adam. Why don't you go and eat something? Hmm? There's fresh bananabread!"

That put an instant smile on Ford's face and the boy practically ran to the kitchen leaving Brian to worry about what on earth Daniel could be up to now.