Nerissina

I hated myself for what I'd done to Arrentai and Taliesa. They didn't deserve that, but I was so afraid of what I might do to them. Even as we'd spoken I was aware of the tenuous grip I had on my self-control. Gillaen, like most of the other death knights I knew, seemed to have a much better control over his emotions. Except those occasional times when the hunger got the better of him, Gillaen was able to behave like a normal person. I just couldn't do that. Even the smallest thing could irritate me; make me lose my temper, my self-control. Then people got hurt. And no amount of remorse could make it right.

I'd liked what I'd seen of Arrentai's new friend. She'd be good for him, could give him what I no longer could; would be a proper mother for my precious daughter. Light knows; I still loved Arrentai, I always would; with my heart and soul; but my body, that was a whole different thing. I remembered how it had been, what it had felt like when Arrentai made love to me; how all my senses had responded to his gentle touch. Now it was different; although I could still feel something it was not the same, not right. And if I felt that, then so must he. He deserved better.

I knew Arrentai so well; I knew he would not want to give up on me. But I had to make the break clean so he could get on with his life.

Leaving him with Gillaen I went outside; I didn't go far. To one side of the training ground was a small neglected area that had long ago been used as a graveyard. I waited there knowing that they would have to pass by on their way to the gates. It was not long before they came out. Arrentai, with that sixth sense of his, noticed me straight away, taking a few steps in my direction. I wasted no time. With a muttered apology to the soul I was about to disturb I cast a summoning spell. Behind me I heard the sound of the earth being disturbed as the remains of some poor soldier, the casualty of a long forgotten battle perhaps, dragged themselves from the ground and stumbled, gibbering, to my side.

Gillaen voiced an oath of disgust at me. Arrentai was silent, but through the tears I could not stop from flowing I could see the look of horror on his face. Absently, my eyes never leaving his face, I reached out a hand and rested it on the mindless creature's tangled, soil coated head, gently caressing it as a few minutes since I had done Taliesa.

Without a word Arrentai turned and strode away. Gillaen shot me a look of pure hatred and followed him. I had succeeded all too well in my intention to make the break complete. Ignoring the mindless mutterings of the hapless undead creature I sank to my knees weeping.

I remained there as it grew dark, largely ignored by anyone who walked past that deserted corner. The creature I had summoned wandered about for a while; then the enchantment that had called it faded and it sank back into the ground. I scarcely noticed it; lost in my self-pity.

Gillaen found me there when he returned near midnight. Roughly he hauled me to my feet and glared at me.

"Damn it, Neri, why did you have to do that?"

I didn't answer, didn't know what to say.

"Come with me," he said a little less harshly, turning to stride away. I followed him uncertainly. As an officer he had his own private quarters and that's where he led me. As I entered he had his back to me lighting the oil lamp on his desk.

"I've just spent the evening getting my brother drunk to help him forget what he saw; what you did. He knows what we are; he did not need to see that side of us."

He turned then and looked at me, saw my tear-soaked face; and his expression softened.

"That hurt you as much as him; didn't it?"

I nodded.

"Neri, Arrentai knew it was over between you when he came here yesterday. He'd already accepted that you could never have a life together; but he needed that final goodbye to be able to move on."

"I'm sorry; but I had to make him see what I am; to stop him from loving me."

"He'll never do that. You're part of his life, the mother of his child. That can never change. But now he has a chance for a new life. He needed to know he had the freedom to take it."

"I've really messed things up now, haven't I?"

I turned away and stared out of the window into the darkness.

"No. He'll get over it. He's tougher than you think."

He came to stand close to me and reached out a hand to gently touch my cheek. It didn't seem to bother him that I was still in my worgen form.

"When the men of our family give their love it is forever. Even when it is not returned we can't easily forget it. Arrentai will never stop loving you, but given time he can find new love with Lizabetha."

"I hope so," I whispered. "I want him to be happy."

Gillaen smiled and bent his head to gently kiss my forehead.

"I think in time he will be," he said softly.

"But you need to be happy too. I'm not my brother but I'll do my best for you."

I looked up at him, met his gaze and saw what must always have been there but I'd been too blind to notice before; the love that he had hidden because I'd chosen Arrentai. Without hesitation I shifted to my human form and gave myself to his embrace. After so long I felt I had found a place for myself; a refuge from the darkness that beset me; a man strong enough to help me face whatever was to come.

Arrentai

After we'd told Taliesa we began to make our plans. We wanted to marry in Stormwind's cathedral. There was no church in Darnassus and it was important to both of us.

So a few days later we went to the cathedral to speak to a priest about making arrangements. However it didn't go as smoothly as I could have hoped. From the start I could see that Lizabetha was anxious; she'd confided to me only that morning that she hadn't felt able to set foot in a church since the day she'd buried her family. As we walked up the steps to the entrance she clung to my arm and I could feel her trembling.

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered. "I don't feel as though I'm welcome here anymore."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because of my demons. They, my magic, go against everything the church teaches. How can I ask the blessing of the Light when I willingly use dark magic?"

I stopped and took her in my arms, oblivious to the people that came and went round us.

"Listen," I said softly. "Gillaen felt the same as you. He turned away from the Light, did terrible things, much worse than you, but he came here and found peace again. True he doesn't always feel welcomed by the people, but the Light never turns him away.

"And me… I still don't remember what I might have done in the dark days when I first became worgen, I don't think I want to know. But I can still come here and be accepted.

"No matter what we've done we can still find acceptance, forgiveness, peace if we only ask for it. Will you try?"

She nodded and looked up at me. Gently I took her hand and with a smile led her inside.

We found a quiet place to sit, to give Lizabetha time to gather her thoughts, to pray, to make her peace with the Light. At one point I saw that she was crying but it seemed more healing than anything. Eventually she fished a handkerchief from her pocket, wiped her face and turned to me with a faint smile.

"I think I'm ready now," she said softly.

"If you're sure."

We found a priest who reassured us that there would be no problem and quickly made the necessary arrangements.

There were not many people we needed to invite. Lizabetha had no family to ask and she'd lost most of her friends when she left the Arathi Highlands to train as a warlock. I sent a message to my mother telling her of our impending marriage but I didn't know if she'd come or bring my father. I'd not spoken to him since his condemnation of Nerissina. There was my aunt, my father's sister, and her husband. Their daughter, my cousin Hestia, had married a farmer who lived out at Eastvale and had a young family of her own. And of course Gillaen; I hoped he would find a way to come.

On the chosen day we went to the cathedral not knowing who would be there. It turned out that everyone we'd invited had come. It seemed that my mother had told my father he risked losing what was left of his family if he didn't become more tolerant and accept the choices I made in my life. I was surprised to see Maelinastra and Josstellan there. Not knowing where they were I hadn't contacted them but somehow Gillaen had found them and invited them. Gillaen too was there. Just before the ceremony began I noticed two hooded figures enter and stand in the shadows at the back. My brother had come and brought Nerissina with him. Lizabetha noticed my distraction and followed my gaze. With a smile she let me know that she too was happy to see them. They slipped away un-noticed by anyone else at the end of the service, but they knew I'd seen them.

Afterwards we went to the Pig and Whistle for a meal; it was Gillaen's gift to us. I saw him sitting in the shadows, hooded and anonymous, drinking alone. When he saw me watching he raised his glass in salute to me and I nodded. My mother saw my gesture and followed my gaze.

"Who's that?" she asked. "A friend?"

"In a way. That's Nerissina's senior officer."

"Why don't you ask him to join us?"

"He won't. He's a death knight and he doesn't mix with living people. They usually won't accept him as he is."

She couldn't know how I longed to tell her who that really was. Gillaen was taking quite a risk in staying but I could not blame him. He felt so much the outsider now that it was good for him to be near family even if they did not know him. His cover was almost blown at one point. Taliesa, running around with her old playmate and her new found cousins, slipped and fell near him. Instinctively he reached out to help her up and she looked up into his face and recognised him. She gave a squeal of delight, but before she could say more he spoke quietly to her. She gave a mischievous grin, nodded and saluted him as she'd seen the soldiers doing, then she walked away. What had he said to her? Obviously she thought it was a game and she was happy to play along. I knew she'd do anything for her beloved uncle.

I turned away as Maelinastra spoke to me, my concerns for my brother forgotten for the moment. The ever attentive Josstellan was at her side, but saying little, leaving it for her to speak. We talked awhile about what they'd been doing. After accompanying the enigmatic Kyletoruse on his negotiations with the Alliance leaders they had gone to Tol Barad with the initial expedition. Josstellan had helped to set up the portal there to enable people to travel back and forth between the island and Stormwind. Then they had taken time to travel together going wherever the fancy took them, occasionally returning to Tol Barad to check on things. While there they had briefly met Gillaen which explained how he'd known where to find them. On a more personal level I could tell that my young friends were happy, contented in the love they shared. Maelinastra had a serenity about her and maybe, I suspected, a secret that she was not quite ready to share yet.

All too soon it was evening and my family began to depart. Hestia's children, younger than Taliesa, were sleepy and she needed to put them to bed. Her family was staying overnight with my aunt and uncle so they all left together. Hestia herself, a soldier in Stormwind's defence force, had to return to the barracks. I had a brief chat with my parents before they left. My father wasn't particularly talkative but at least he hadn't insulted Lizabetha and walked out so I supposed he approved of her. I watched them walk away and disappear round the corner before going back inside the inn. Lizabetha had taken Taliesa upstairs to settle her in bed so I joined Maelinastra and Josstellan who were sitting by the fire; and called Gillaen over to join us. After a moment's hesitation he did so. He sat down opposite me and put his bottle of wine on the table beside him. I don't know how much he'd drunk throughout the day; he hadn't eaten as far as I knew; but he was still stone cold sober. He had a better tolerance for alcohol than I did, that was sure. But maybe that was something to do with being a death knight; he didn't seem to have the same physical needs as the rest of us; it was more of a matter of personal choice than necessity. He pushed his hood off and stretched out his legs towards the fire. I pushed a leftover plate of cold meat towards him and he began to eat some.

"I'm intrigued," I said. "What did you tell Taliesa to stop her blurting out your name?"

He grinned mischievously.

"I told her I was on a secret undercover mission for the king. I'd heard there was a spy here and he couldn't know my name. She thought it was a fine game."

"I'm glad you came," I said, "and Nerissina; thank you for bringing her."

"She sends you her blessing, little brother. She wants you to be happy."

"I know. I wish she could be happy as well. She is too troubled."

"It's difficult knowing how to help her. All I can do is be there to support her at the worse times."

"If only she could go to Tal'Doren. That's what helped me the most. But I believe the night elves had to abandon it when we left Gilneas."

Josstellan nodded his agreement. "It just became too dangerous there, what with the Forsaken and the worgen. We couldn't ask anyone to stay there. The wells are gone now."

Gillaen poured himself another drink and lifted the glass. He froze with it halfway to his mouth, staring past me to the door. Slowly I turned, half afraid of what I was going to see. Our mother stood there, a shocked expression on her face. I stood up as she walked forward and guided her to my seat.

"All this time," she whispered. "They told me you died in battle."

"I did," Gillaen said bluntly. "Then the Scourge took my body and turned me into a monster. The army don't tell people's families if that happens; it's not something they'd want to know. Would you have wanted that to be your last memory of me?"

She shook her head. "But you came back."

"In a way, yes. But I'm still dead. My soul and my memories were returned but not my life. In that sense we are like the Forsaken. They also once served the Lich King. I will never be the son you remember. I can't be like a normal person. I can never father a child. I have a hunger for killing that I can never be free of and most people still regard us as monsters."

I was shocked at the bitterness in my brother's voice; I'd never realised how he felt about his condition. I rested my hand on her shoulder and she looked up at me.

"You saw how Father treated Nerissina. He would have rejected Gillaen the same way. Do you want that?"

"No. Of course not. But you have a child, Arrentai; and Nerissina is a death knight. How is that?"

"Taliesa was conceived while we were both still human and born before Nerissina was taken by the Scourge. That is how."

I paused giving her time to consider what we'd said.

"It's up to you if you tell Father. We can't stop you if that's your choice. Just bear this in mind. Gillaen has made a new life for himself. We've accepted him as part of our family as he is now. Can you honestly say that Father would do the same?"

"No, I can't," she said reluctantly. "But I will. You're my son, Gillaen. I'll accept you however you are."

She stood up, took the few steps forward that reached him and bent to kiss him.

"I have to go home before your father wonders where I am," she said, "but I want to see you again."

She turned, smiled at the rest of us and hurried out. Half in shock Gillaen downed the wine he still held and put the glass down. He stood up a little unsteadily.

"I need to get back," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I watched him leave. It was a good thing he didn't have far to go; he was none too steady on his feet now. I turned; Josstellan had come out behind me.

"I'll see him safely back," he said, setting off after my brother. When I went back inside Lizabetha had come back down to say that my over excited daughter was finally asleep. She asked where the other two were.

"Joss is seeing Gillaen home," Maelinastra answered. "He's rather the worse for wear."

Lizabetha came to my arms and kissed me. "Come to bed," she whispered. I glanced at Maelinastra.

"I'll wait for Joss," she said. "You go."

I wasn't going to argue. Willingly I let Lizabetha lead me upstairs.

We stayed in Stormwind for a few more days after that. My mother came to the inn most days to spend time with us. She told my father she wanted to see me and Taliesa; I knew she also came to see Gillaen. Still on leave he was able to do as he pleased for the moment. Then I'd noticed the Scourge light in his eyes growing brighter and realised he needed to get out of the city and deal with it. I didn't know this part of our world well enough to know where to take him and I was asking Josstellan's advice when my brother got into a fight with some soldiers who'd had a little too much to drink. Gillaen fought with the savagery I'd come to recognize as characteristic of the hunger and it took Josstellan, myself and half a dozen other men to subdue him. Thankfully he was unarmed; death knights serving in the army had of late been forbidden to carry weapons within the city limits; or there would have been more serious casualties. Only after he was restrained and carried off to a cell at the barracks was I able to turn my attention to the rest of my family. Fortunately Maelinastra had realised quickly what was wrong and got them all upstairs where they'd stood watching. Taliesa ran to my arms.

"What's wrong with Uncle Gillaen?" she asked.

"He's not feeling too good," I replied.

"He needs to go fight some bears." She obviously remembered the incident in Darnassus and my remedy then.

I laughed a little shakily. "I guess he does, but there's no bears round here so we'll have to find something else. Now you go and play with your friend. I need to talk to Grandma."

"Oh, grown up stuff!"

"That's right." I watched her run off then turned to my mother; shifting back to human as I did so.

"That is what the Scourge does to people. It turns them into monsters who can't control their lust for killing. If Gillaen had been armed those men would be dead now; possibly Josstellan and me as well. That is what he wanted to spare you from knowing; why he thought it was best he remained dead to you."

"I didn't understand..."

"Not many people do. They see only the monster, not the torment that drives them. I understand a little of what he feels because I was like that when I first became a worgen. But I was able to learn to control myself. He can't do that."

"And Nerissina?"

"She's the same. That is why she can't be a mother to Taliesa. She is too afraid of harming her. I still love her, I always will; and Lizabetha understands that; but for Taliesa's sake I could never live with her. Very few redeemed death knights ever contact their families; it's easier for them that way."

I turned and walked away. I'd said enough and I needed to be alone. I ended up in a secluded spot by the canals where I sat just watching the play of the light on the water. Lizabetha found me there sometime later; she sat beside me and rested her hand on mine.

"Are you all right?" was all she said.

"I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I'm all that's holding this family together. I don't know how much more I can cope with."

"Why don't we go home? Just you, me and Taliesa. Let the army handle Gillaen. You've done enough."

"Have I?" I liked her suggestion though. Maybe it was time to let go of the responsibility. Hand in hand we wandered back to the inn and told everyone what we'd decided.

We left Stormwind at the end of the week along with Maelinastra and Josstellan who were also travelling to Teldrassil. We didn't see Gillaen again. He and several other death knights who were affected by the hunger to the extent that they were dangerous had been sent out on active duty again. My mother having had to accept that this is how it would be had gone back to her normal life.

For a while we lived quietly, continuing to train and grow stronger and more confident in our abilities. I knew it wouldn't last forever. On the voyage home Maelinastra and Josstellan had told us more of what was happening. The Horde was becoming more troublesome and their leader becoming more out of control, alienating even his fellow leaders. Our world was inexorably heading for all-out war and no one would be able to stand aside and remain uninvolved.

It was a horrifying prospect.