AN: Thank you all for your reviews, PM's, following and for favouring my story (and even for just reading without all that!). I'm just so honored. I am lost for words. I write for my own enjoyment and never thought of posting here before. To find that people actually like what I write is amazing! I can only hope that continues.

Chapter 4

Adam was temporarily frozen in place as his little brother pounded on his chest like a 5-year-old with a temper tantrum. Giving Crane a licking had been one of the hardest things he'd done in his life, right up there with the two other whippings he'd had to give a little brother and only topped by that night he'd had to tell his brothers their parents had died. Knowing it was a deserved spanking had not helped against the feelings of guilt over hurting a little brother. As the oldest the care for the younger ones had been drilled into him for as long as he could remember, even with Brian, and Adam had hardly been more than a baby himself when Brian was born. Still the words 'be gentle' and 'he's littler than you so you have to be careful' resonated through his mind. The thought that he sometimes had to intentionally hurt one of them in order to avoid bigger hurts was immensely painful to the young man.

Brian watched the emotions pass his brother's face and his heart when out to both Adam and Daniel. They were both hurting. He knew Daniel wasn't really hurting Adam with his fists, but the emotional hurt was real. For a moment the tough looking 22-year-old wanted to grab Daniel and make him see sense, but something held him back. He had no idea what or why, but somehow he knew this was something the two had to start solving between themselves if Adam had any chance of providing Daniel the security and comfort the boy needed. Replacing Crane was impossible, but Adam needed to step up and be a parent to Daniel.

So with difficulty Brian leaned back in his chair and waited until Adam finally took Daniel's hands and held them in his own.

"Whoah…kiddo…I…I'm not sure where you got the idea that I want Crane gone, but I can promise you it's the furthest of the truth."

"Then why'd you give him that licking?!" Daniel struggled against the hold Adam now had on him. "You didn't hafta do that!"

"We can talk, Danny, but you gotta stop fighting. You wanna fight, that's fine, but then we can't talk."

"All you'd tell me is lies anyway!" Daniel struggled harder, but although he could have easily kicked Adam in the shin (or worse) the angry teen never did. "You pushed him away. You don't like him. Maybe you're jealous that he gets to go to college when you didn't." The cracking voice betrayed the fact that he was fighting tears.

"Is that what you really think, kiddo?" It surprised Brian how Adam managed to keep his voice this gentle. He didn't fight back, didn't yell. All he did was hold the boy and talk softly. He had to give it to his brother, he'd learned a lot in parenting. "Really?"

"Must…cause…cause why would ya…..I mean…." But Daniel wasn't sure what he thought anymore. He was just hurting and was lashing out.

"I think you know why, if you stop and think for a moment…." Impulsively Adam pulled Daniel closer in something that resembled a hug and although the body in his arms stiffened, Daniel didn't pull away. Adam wished they were in the living room now because it would have been easier to pull the boy next to him on the sofa. These kitchen chairs created too much distance. "Danny….can you answer a few questions?" He felt the nod against him and continued, "Did Crane give you the impression that he wasn't coming back?"

Daniel shrugged, "No, but I just know…" at the last word his voice broke and Adam knew the tears were falling. Sitting down he simply pulled the boy on his lap, not giving him the option of getting up.

"Did he give the impression that he was mad at me?"

Another shrug, "He must be."

"Because you'd be mad if you had been in his shoes?"

A small nod was Adam's answer. Brian got up to make hot chocolate. The best cure for upset boys if ever he knew one. It had been their mothers remedy and as far as he knew, it had never failed. He opened the fridge to get the milk and listened as he poured it into a pan.

"Have you seen Crane look mad?"

"Guess not…"

"Did he glare at me or avoid me?"

Even Daniel had to admit that his big brother had done the exact opposite. It had floored him at the time, that Crane could actually smile at the man who had just given him a licking. He remembered that evening after dinner when Crane had sat down next to Adam on the sofa. Adam had pulled him close and Crane had actually leaned against that same man who'd caused him pain earlier that day. And it had been clear that Crane was in pain. The perceptive boy had noticed his brother shift a few times in his chair at dinner, an obvious attempt to find a more comfortable position, but not finding one. Yet, Crane had leaned into Adam the same way Daniel would have with Crane if Daniel had been the one in trouble. The same way Ford could sometimes lean against Adam. Or any of them.

"He didn't, did he?"

"No..."

"Danny, Crane wasn't upset."

"But he cried."

"Hmm…yeah…he did. I thought no one but the two of us would have noticed that, but I guess you knew what was happening so afterwards you kept a close eye on him."

"yeah…"

"Well, I can't say there was a single time I didn't cry when dad took me to the barn."

"Same here," Came the soft confession from the stove. Brian wasn't one to cry easily and certainly not one to let others see it. "Wasn't the pain either, although it hurt plenty."

"I agree. I took worse pain on the field playing football. But the disappointment in dad's eyes. The knowledge that I caused that. Knowing I'd messed up that badly. That's what caused the tears."

"So Crane cried cause he disappointed you?"

"Well…that too, I know, but if you think about it…think about who else he thinks he's disappointed…."

"Mom and dad?"

"And wouldn't that make him cry?"

Daniel had wiped his eyes a few times, but now the tears fell freely, "He'd feel awful."

"He did. He felt like he let mom and dad down and he felt like he'd let you down too. Because Crane feels he should have protected you from drugs. He felt horrible that you found that joint."

"But I'm not a little kid."

"You're his kid brother and he has to protect you. That's what got him to decide to confess in the first place."

Brian held his breath knowing what those words would do to the 14-year-old on Adam's lap. As he stirred the cocoa into the milk he could hear the boy breaking down. "He didn't have to tell you. I wouldn't have told. If I hadn't gone into that drawer, he would have never smoked that thing and no one needed to know. It's my fault he got in trouble."

"Shhh…." Adam pulled the boy a little closer to him, "it's not your fault, buddy. Crane made a decision to do something illegal. Something that wasn't safe. And something he knew I wouldn't approve of, or Brian, or mom and dad. And by doing that he set himself on a course. The moment he took that first joint was the first step to where he ended up on Thanksgiving. You finding that thing in his room didn't change that."

"But he'd already stopped," Daniel cried.

"I know and I'm proud of him for that. He realized he had taken risks with his own health and life and that of others and stopped. And I'm also very proud that he wanted to confess to me. And between you and me, I think he still might have told me if you hadn't found it. Because I think that's the kind of person Crane is. He can't lie. He's honest to a fault."

"Ya think so?" The hopeful question tore at Adam's heart strings.

"Yeah, I really do. He may not have realized yet that he would, but I think he would have told me, ultimately. I think that licking was a way to get rid of some guilt he was carrying. It's not fun to go through, but it can help."

"Maybe…" Daniel wasn't ready to admit that just yet and Brian had to grin, thankful he had his back to the other two.

"And I think a lot of your anger at me was actually you feeling guilty that Crane was trying to protect you."

Daniel looked up at Adam now, "No licking's gonna make me feel better."

Now Brian had to laugh out loud, "Good for you, buddy. I was never one to go and ask for one either."

Adam chuckled, "Okay, I worded that wrong, or the timing of the statement was wrong. But really, you don't have to feel guilty. Crane loves you and would protect you against the world if he had to. Nothing you can do to change that. And confessing was the right thing to do. He knew that. I though he explained that to you."

"Yeah well…." Daniel had the good grace to look abashed, "I wasn't listening too well. He tried."

"That's what you get when you let your anger do your listening. You end up missing what is actually said."

Daniel nearly rolled his eyes at Adam's words, "Yeah, I guess I should write that out and put it above my bed."

Putting three mugs of hot chocolate on the table Brian said, "I think we all have things we could remind ourselves of every now and then." He disappeared into the pantry to get the marshmallows.

"I think he means me," Adam whispered conspiratorially in Daniel's ear causing the boy to chuckle a little.

"I think so too."

As Brian returned and started adding marshmallows to the steaming liquid in the mugs Adam became serious again, "I'm sorry I had to give Crane a licking. I'm sorry you felt like you were stuck in the middle. I'm not sorry for giving him that licking, I just wish there hadn't been a need. But messing with drugs is dangerous."

Daniel nodded, "Crane said that. He said he could have messed up his future if he'd gotten into a fight while high or in a car or let himself get dared into something because he was high. Even if he didn't. And he said it's no good to feel like your brain isn't yours. Or your body isn't. I don't see why people like it."

Adam smiled, "Neither do I. And I'm glad you remembered what Crane said about it." He cupped the boy's chin and looked in his eyes, "You still mad at me?"

"I guess I never was really mad…"

"Yes you were and that's okay. What's not okay is the way you dealt with it."

Daniel wanted to look down but Adam was still holding his chin. "I'm sorry for hitting you."

"Well, I would have rather you'd yelled at me right away, even punched me. Staying away for hours was much worse."

"oh…." Tears welled up again. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are and I'm not mad anymore. And I understand why you were so upset. But still…I can't let you get away with it, can I? Just like I couldn't let Crane get away with what he did."

Daniel's eyes grew wide, "You're gonna take me to the barn too?"

Now it was Adam's turn to roll his eyes, "Did you lie, break the law or risk your life? No, so don't be silly. No need for the belt to come out. But before I pass judgment I need to know what the trouble was you got in at school."

"Maybe we should drink that cocoa while we talk about that," Brian suggested as he sipped from his own mug. "Wouldn't want it to get cold."

Daniel wanted to slip off Adam's lap, but to his surprise Adam still wasn't letting him go. Instead the man gave him his mug before taking his own. "Is it that bad that you can't tell us?"

"You're gonna yell…" Although a part of Daniel wanted to continue feeling the comfort of being on Adam's lap, another part wanted to put some distance between himself and his oldest brother.

"Well, I can't make any promises, but with your brothers in bed already, I doubt I'll be yelling too loud."

Brian had to chuckle, "Yeah, he wouldn't want to wake up the little monsters."

"They're not monsters!" Daniel protested and both older brothers smiled at the protectiveness in Daniel's voice.

"Why don't you try me, kiddo? Hmm? We've just been able to talk about what was bothering you. That went really well. And I already know you didn't get detention and you're not suspended, so it can't be too bad."

"I got an F in English."

"An F?" Adam didn't yell, but that was more because he was too surprised to do so.

"For that last assignment?" Brian prodded.

Daniel nodded, a little surprised there hadn't been any yelling yet, despite the fact that his little brothers were asleep.

"But…" Adam raised his eyebrows and couldn't help the hesitation, "you had to write a poem, right?"

"Yeah…"

"You're forever working on lyrics and songs. How on earth can you get an F for writing a poem?" Adam was stumped. "I've heard your songs. They're good."

Daniel blushed a little, "Thanks, but eh this one…eh…I'd rewritten it after Thanksgiving. And I guess I put a little of my mad in it."

Brian had to bite his lip in order not to laugh. The older brother in him wanted to laugh, but even though Adam was the official guardian Brian knew that he was the other parent in this family and as a parent he couldn't laugh. He couldn't help the twinkle in his eyes though.

"I think you'd better get that poem. I assume you've got it with you for me to sign."

"Yes, Adam," the respectful response got both brothers' attention. They exchanged a look as Daniel slipped off Adam's lap. His book bag was next to the chair he'd been sitting on while doing his homework and so he didn't have to walk far to get his homework assignment out, the big circled F on it standing out like a big fat pimple. "But…" He still didn't give it to Adam. "I didn't mean it…"

Adam simply held out his hand until the boy reluctantly placed it in his hand. When he wanted to sit in his own chair Brian reached out and pulled him over to him, holding him against him while Adam read. Brian could feel the tension in Daniel's body and rubbed his arm a little, "Can't be that bad…Adam hasn't exploded yet." But Daniel felt like crying.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to the young boy, Adam carefully put the piece of paper on the table. By then the threatening tears had fallen and a confused Brian was ready to burst, curiosity and concern warring inside.

"I'm sorry, Adam," Daniel didn't dare look at Adam's face as he tearfully said the words.

"Why? The assignment was to write about your feelings about your family and you did. And the poem is well written. I may have wished you'd written something else, but it is what you felt. I don't see why it would deserve an F."

Daniel looked up in confusion. "Huh? But…I mean…"

"Yeah I know, kiddo, you wrote about me. And it's not very favorable. You didn't like me much when you wrote it. So? There's no profanity in it, it's just heart felt emotions. And there's nothing else wrong with it. Did your teacher say why you got an F?"

"Not really. Just that that wasn't the assignment."

"I think it was the assignment, the result just wasn't what she was expecting. What had others written?"

Daniel shrugged and Adam could guess. Brian could too and they all felt that intense pain every single time they thought about the loss of their parents. Brian held Daniel close to him. "Oh buddy…."

Silence filled the large kitchen for a few minutes. All three boys lost in their memories and pain. Then Adam cleared his throat, "Well, I can't say I like it, but I'm not going to yell and you're not in trouble for this. In fact, I think I'll come into town tomorrow to talk to your teacher, because I don't think an F is fair."

Daniel looked like it was snowing in June. "No way."

"Way. It's not fair. And I want my kid brothers to be treated fairly. When you deserve an F I won't argue, but when you don't, you shouldn't get one."

Brian finally reached for the poem, unable to restrain himself any longer, "Okay, I gotta know!" As he read he started laughing, but then grew more serious, realizing the pain and insecurities the boy had come from when writing this. And he also knew how painful it had been for Adam to read it. Over Daniel's head he threw Adam a look of compassion only to have it shrugged off. It was a part of being parents the two brothers knew, but it wasn't easy.

Just like it wasn't easy to punish the kids for misbehavior and both brothers knew there was a teenager still waiting for the verdict, not that Daniel himself would ever bring it up.

"I get that you were upset, especially after school and well…this F, but it's no excuse to just stay away until past dinner time. So I can't let it go without punishment, buddy."

Daniel groaned, "I know….but I'm really sorry, Adam."

"And that counts for a lot, but I don't punish you to get back at you, Danny. I punish you because I want more for you. I love you and want to make sure you're safe and grow up to a decent, honorable and considerate man." Like Crane, Adam though, and he couldn't even take credit for that. Crane had raised himself. He pushed the pain and guilt over that reality away. "By all means I should ground you for a week, but I happen to know the pantry needs a good cleaning out, shelves washed down, everything sorted and stock taken. That should take you a couple of hours. I expect that done by Saturday by which time I'm sure you'll have a good list for Brian for the groceries and you can help him get them."

Daniel looked like he'd get sick any minute, "Man…that bites…."

"Well, you're not supposed to like being punished," Adam said calmly.

"Can't you just whack me and get it over with?"

That caused the older two to laugh. Adam reached out and ruffled his head, "Noop, not this time, kiddo. I think giving up your own time will teach you something about the amount of time you've worried us."

"Yeah, I guess," Daniel still looked thoroughly disgusted, but couldn't deny that the punishment fit the crime. And in all fairness, he wouldn't really have wanted to trade for a spanking anyway. Still, cleaning out the pantry and going grocery shopping was not his idea of a good time.

"But do it again and you'll find yourself over my knee, buddy."

Daniel wasn't sure which threat was worse: the barn or this. He swallowed hard, "There won't be a next time, Adam."

"Good, then you have nothing to worry about. Well, finish up that cocoa and then I think you'd better head for bed. I'll write you a note for your homework. Just this once, mind you!"

"Thanks, Adam!" He hadn't gotten any of his homework finished and the thought of having to explain to all his teachers why, was awful. It would probably lead to notes home or detention and then he'd be in trouble again.

"Well, I know what it's like to have to do homework when you're this upset and you're already in trouble for not coming home, can't punish you twice for that." While Adam spoke Daniel sipped his cocoa, spooning the half-melted marshmallows out in between sips. The other two were happy to follow his example.

"I really don't feel that way anymore," Daniel said ever so softly after finishing his chocolate. He pointed to the poem lying on the table. The words were soft enough that Brian had a hard time making out what he'd said. Adam, however, had heard them clearly and kissed the boy on his forehead before hugging him tightly.

"I know, kiddo, but I'm really glad to hear it. Because I love you lots."

"I love you too." With his face buried in Adam's shirt it was a miracle the man heard it, but the muffled words caused Adam to blink against the sudden wetness in his eyes. And again he realized just how rarely they actually said these words.

When Daniel had finally gone up to bed and Brian was washing the mugs and pan the second-oldest mused out loud, "Wonder what I did wrong to end up having to go grocery shopping with Daniel?"

Adam locked the kitchen door and laughed, "Oh if you want an answer I can think of one…"

"Punishment for too many times going out on week days?"

It was no secret that Brian's nights on the town were a sore point with Adam, but the older man didn't take the bait this time. "I wouldn't dare punish you."

Brian laughed, "You couldn't enforce it if you tried." He finished the dishes and turned around, "It's fine, I need an extra pair of hands anyway. Only problem is we need a few other things as well. Guthrie needs new boots, he's grown out of them already. And Evan's only got one good pair of jeans left, the rest is all worn. And we need to start thinking about Christmas presents while it's not too busy. I'd almost say we all need to go to town. Maybe split up? Me the grocery store with Daniel and Ford and you clothes shopping with Evan and Guthrie. Then next week we need to really go out and get the Christmas stuff done."

"Oh God, Christmas…I don't want to think about that just yet, but you're right. Okay, okay, we'll go into town on Saturday. And we'll split up. Should be interesting, to say the least."

"Especially since Evan will want to spend all day with Diablo after being grounded from working with him for three days. I think you just drew the shortest straw for Saturday."

Adam groaned, "I think I did. Maybe afterwards I will be the one going out. I'm sure I deserve a few drinks after that ordeal."

"Hey, go for it, buddy," Brian said in a more serious tone, "You deserve it anyway, never mind Saturday."

"I just might."

"Miss Morgan?"

"Yes?" The petite red head turned around. "That's me."

He didn't think she looked old enough to be out of college yet. "My name's Adam McFadden. I was hoping you'd have a minute to talk."

"I have a minute, but...oohhh," Adam could see the look of pity cross her face as realization of the full situation came back to her. He hated seeing that look and unfortunately he had an abundance of experience with it. "I see."

He ignored the pitying look and got to business , "I would like to talk with you about Daniel's assignment."

"Of course, come on in. I usually come in early to prepare. I don't start until the second period." She opened the door and let Adam in.

"Why don't you sit down?" She sat down behind her desk and pointed at the extra chair near the window on the other side of the desk. Adam would have preferred to stand, but sat down and crossed one leg over the other. Then decided against it and put both feet on the floor again and leaned forward a little. He envied this woman who looked perfectly composed and at ease in this room.

Adam felt the complete opposite. Back when he was in school he'd been popular, good at sports as well as academics and there wasn't a classroom he'd felt ill at ease in. But his role was different now. And despite the fact that he'd been doing this for 6 years now he still wasn't used to being the parent. He wasn't Mr. McFadden. Mr. McFadden was his dad. But he'd learned that in school he needed to be Mr. and not Adam.

"I'm sorry I had to give Daniel an F. He usually does well in English."

"It surprised me. Especially with this particular assignment. Did you know Daniel writes lyrics?"

"Really? I had no idea. How wonderful."

"Yes, really," Adam tried not to study her, but couldn't help himself. She was pretty, even if she was dressed far too formal. Not that he felt that girls needed to wear miniskirts, but this skirt was so long that it reached half way to her calves and the blouse would have suited a 70-year-old woman. It was the bun in her hair that was worst, though. As she pushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear, he found himself wondering what she would look like with her hair loose.

He pulled himself out of his fantasy, chiding himself for getting distracted like that. "So you see, it's hard for me to understand how he got an F for his poem."

"Have you read it?"

"Yes, Daniel showed it to me. I've signed it. But I don't agree with your assessment of it."

"But surely, having read it, you can see its inappropriateness."

"No, not really," Adam leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. "I can feel hurt by it. I can feel upset that my brother felt that way about me. But isn't that what poetry is supposed to do? Make you feel something?"

"A poem about your family or a family member should certainly be heart felt, but the bitterness was out of proportion."

"How long have you been teaching teenagers?"

"I don't see what that has to do with this." Adam could see he'd touched a nerve. She sat up a little more straight and her lips became a thin straight line.

"I have been raising teenagers for the past 6 years and it's my experience that with teenagers, everything they feel and every reaction is out of proportion. Joy, anger, fear, sadness, it's all bigger than life and it overwhelms them, mostly because they don't understand their feelings. Daniel was overwhelmed with emotions and he lashed out. But the poem was about a family member and it was very well written."

"I don't like your insinuation that I don't know teenagers."

"It's not an insinuation, Miss Morgan," Adam said calmly, "I'm merely stating that if you don't see this poem for its worth, you don't understand what drives teenagers."

"And you do?" She couldn't help the defensive tone.

"Like I just explained, yes, I do. At least, I try hard to. I get it wrong a lot of the time. And sometimes I need help from others, including my brothers. But I try."

"Well, I have more experience than you think." Again, she kicked herself for getting defensive. She knew that would never help her in this discussion. But she was getting flustered.

"I'm sure you do. But I still don't see why you felt you had to give an F for a perfectly fine poem. Aside from the hurtful content of the poem, there was no profanity in it or other inappropriate language. In fact, he got his feelings across in beautiful English, using metaphors, similes, meter and rhyme." He had to stifle the smug smile as he saw the insecurity cross her features. She was clearly surprised that a cowboy like him would know about poetry. "So what did the other students write about? Their dad? Their mom?" He could tell from her expression that he was right and went in for the kill, "If Daniel had written about our father and how he'd missed him growing up, using the same skill in writing, I'm sure you'd have given him full marks. But Daniel can't do that. Because it's too private and hurts too much." It hurt him too, but when it came to his brothers there wasn't a thing he wouldn't do, including talking about the pain of losing their parents. "It may be 6 years ago, but we live with it every day. I'm his dad now, for all intents and purposes. And that fact is what makes him angry. He wishes I could just be his big brother. So he gets mad at me. Makes perfect sense to me. This poem is about all that. And if you can't see that…well…you're not the person I thought you were."

She swallowed hard. Adam was right, she hadn't seen that. All she'd seen was angry words, aimed at his brother, with the intent to hurt him. And she couldn't understand wanting to hurt someone this badly. Having siblings herself she had reacted as a hurt older sibling. But was she big enough to back down? "I guess…" she started and those words were enough for Adam to know he'd won. The F was gone. He didn't even have to hear the rest. As she continued he watched the same strand of hair she'd pushed behind her ears spring free again and again he wondered what she would look like with her hair loose.

As he left the room, the piece of paper which now adorned an A+ in his hand, she followed him with her eyes until the door closed. Then she let out a deep breath. She found herself trembling a little. Never before had she met someone who made her feel like this. She wasn't sure she liked it!