Chapter 3: Gary Stu-nning Vs. The Wor—Cactus Head.

Damn, too slow.

I grimace as the wolf's jaws clamp down on my left arm and its teeth sink into my skin, dropping my hitpoints by a whole 0.05%. I retaliate quickly, and as a pixel disappears from by health bar I drag my injured hand skyward while flexing my right arm's bicep. At the sight of my bulging muscle the wolf's jaw drops, letting of my left entirely. This, combined with the upward motion of my hand catapults the wolf a few hundred meters into air. The creature begins squealing as it soars further and further upwards, but I can't let it get away like this. Using my «Searching Skill» I watch it smack into the bottom of the second floor, bounce right off it and start tumbling back down. I dig my heel into the ground and initiate a «Sonic Leap» , kicking off the ground and launching myself towards the creature. I reach it about a half mile above terra firma and drag my sword through its body, causing each one of its polygons to shatter as I slice through it. Like any other well coded enemy in an RPG game it dies from a single charge attack, allowing me to parachute back down using the wolf skin I got from the drop with ease.

I glide to the ground and touch down in front of Asuna, who runs up to me and embraces me gleefully. I grin, looking past her at the Level Up! screen which has appeared on my HUD. Level 95, huh? Not too shabby, but all this damn training is digging away at my 'me time'. My 'me time' being 'me and a few girls', of course.

Suddenly, I remember that the lovely little lady I'm holding in my arms is, technically speaking, my wife, and I feel ashamed at my dirty thought for a full half second. I need to remember that I can only be romantic with women that I've talked to for at least a while from now on, or Asuna might get angry at me. She also said that it's only okay if they're part of a harem and if I don't do anything more than blatantly flirting with them to her face. Those are the conditions she has given me, after all, and while I don't exactly love the idea of restrictions that one week honeymoon we spent at a lakeside is worth being kept on such a tight leash.

"Oh my God, Gary! I was so scared!" Asuna wails in a maidenly fashion as her tears seep into my trench-coat. Thank the Lord she isn't a tsundere, seriously. Or any kind of character at this point, at that.

"It's okay babe, these wolfs don't even carry giant swords in mouths." I reassure her, patting the silky chestnut-brown hair atop her head.

"Eh?" she seems puzzled at my comment.

Oh, right. This is her first video game and she is inexplicably amazing at it, how could I forget? Usually I'd be annoyed by this scrub-like behaviour, but I guess I can forgive her for being a casual gamer as long as she's hardcore in other aspects...

Huhah!

"Yo dude-bro, should we take on the floor boss?" Kirito asks as he obliterates a wolf with a single strike, using his other hand to princess carry Sachi.

"I'm afraid of dying, Kirito!" Sachi whines in a way that only a strong female character could. I ignore her, as this mewling is all she ever seems to do. That is what makes her such a perfect girl after all: she's weak, squeamish, and unable to fend for herself to such an extent that the White Knight idealist in me can't help but feel touched by the depth of her personality. If I didn't have Asuna, I'd probably go for her.

"Yeah, we've been training long enough" I reply. Really, we have. It's hard when the only two enemies on this floor apart from the monsters in the boss fight are Frenzy Boars and Wolfs, but we've all managed to get above level 80, so we're all set. The Edgy Character XP bonus has definitely helped.

"Ohhh my god hell yeah let's do this!" Klein chortles in an extremely nerdy fashion, an annoying gesture considering he's barely reached level 80 due to him having friends in real life. The idiot has been trying to get in the way of me and Kirito's friendship, but he's just not cool enough. What a loser.

"Shut up, Klein!" everyone yells at him.

With Klein crying and running off into the distance, we decide to head our way over to the nearby town where they are coincidentally holding the very first boss meeting. On the way in I buy some bread from a vendor and, with practiced finesse, apply some cream to it. I'm about to take a bite when I see Asuna looking at the bread like it's my body, desire burning in her eyes. I glance down at the bread and then throw a dashing smile at her.

"Do you want it?" I ask her, my voice low enough to make the particles in the air resonate at within the ELF spectrum.

"Yesss" Asuna moans, taking the bread gently from my firm masculine hands. She sensually inhales it, trembling with pleasure every rapid successive bite she takes, and I make a mental note that Asuna really, really likes cream.

This should come in handy later.

We're about to walk into the centre where the meeting is being held when suddenly a shriek interrupts my sexual fantasies.

"I'm afraid of dying!" Sachi screams from atop Kirito's shoulders, drawing by-standers eyes away from my butch body and onto her hysterical figure. Damnit, Sachi. Kirito shoves the fear-mongering cockroach aside with his foot, pacifying Sachi, and then we head onwards.

We go down a single step of the forum to sit next to Lisbeth and Silica, who we met up with earlier this morning. They scoot over and I find to my delight that we have placed ourselves at the far back, where all the important people go go. It's kinda like the window-seat in school, we just need to be there. We stare down as the blue-haired guy starts his speech. Unlike Kayaba's droning, I do my best to pay attention but I somehow feel like I've seen this crap before, so I ignore most of it until he says "form a party". Kirito, Lisbeth, Sachi, Silica, Asuna, and I naturally go as a group, and I figure Klein is lucky he left early because he'd be the odd one out. What a loser. The speech drones on when suddenly...

"Hold on a moment! I have something to say!" a yell comes from the crowd, and the dude stops his speech.

"Well, what is it?" the Knight asks. A short man with a head that vaguely resembles a cactus with all the spikes it has prances out of the crowd in the most punk clothing I've seen in this game. He chuckles creepily as he walks up to Diabel(that's the blue haired dude's name, guys) and then spins to faces the crowd.

"My name is Kibaou! I wanna say something before we take on the boss: some of you have to apologize to the players who've died!" the cactus head, Kibaou, yells at the group. He starts mouthing off at the beta testers, and to my surprise Kirito starts to shake, perhaps from regret. Damnit, I have to do something!

I leap down the steps towards him, passing by a black guy who is only a bit shorter than I am and landing hard before Kibaou. Spiky, who had been snickering a little, seems suddenly taken aback by my sheer masculinity and power, and he inches back ever so slightly.

"You said you blamed the beta testers, right?" I ask him in a stern tone and suddenly the circle is a church, my voice the lowest notes of the organ. Mesmerized by my graceful and mighty figure, the little shit answers honestly as a reflex.

"Y-yeah" he chokes it out like a coward, and I slap him hard in the face in response because violence is always the answer.

"You can't just go around deciding that. You think we'd all be alive if it wasn't for the beta testers? The Guide Book is made by beta testers, do you think you'd have made it far without that?" I beat some verbal sense into him.

"B-bu..." he tries whimpering out some crappy excuse, but I slap him hard in the face again. Fortunately for me, the harassment system in this game is as inconsistent as it gets, so I can hit him a few more times before my cursor goes orange. This is obviously good news, as my life would be boring if I was an Orange Player.*

"Get the fuck out of my face and sit down." I give the order, and with my voice at such a stunningly low frequency cactus-heads eyes oscillate, causing the tears that had been welling up in his Lacrimal gland to pour out of his eyes. The wailing cactus, now properly watered, runs back to his seat and dives onto the stone, curling up into a fetal position slowly after landing. I feel terrible because I'm usually the kind of person Mr. Rogers would want me to be, but this had to be done.

I bounce back up the stairs, my gargantuan quadriceps contracting and extending like two beautiful dolphins frolicking in turquoise waters, and run past the Big Black Guy who gives me a thumbs up and and a "Thank you" in English as I pass by. I respond with a "you're welcome" of course because I'm a self taught quadrilingual, which is the natural outcome of being a third-culture kid. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm a bit of a mix. My absurdly enticing voice is courtesy of my half-English background, my innate sword skills are down to my third of Japanese blood, and my in-built sense of justice and freedom can be pinned down to the fact that I'm a third American. I'm also a sixteenth Irish and a half quarter Sagitarian, although they have less influence on my life than the rest of my background.

With a final hop up the last steps I reach my friends.

"Good job, bro" Kirito fist bumps me as I sit down.

"Oh Gary, how are you so indescribably irresistible?!" Asuna, Lisbeth, and Silica squeal as they wrap themselves around me in a huge group hug.

"I don't want to die!" Sachi informs all of us at the sight of the Kibaou glaring up at me, and I once again marvel at how complex she is.

"Hey, it was no problem. Someone needed to put him in his place, otherwise we'd seem like awful people for using beta knowledge for our own selfish gains." I reply, and upon hearing my ludicrously bad-ass response a player a few rows below us literally ices up and freezes. You see, there's a sweet spot to be when around me, you need to be close enough to get my heat or you'll be iced over by how cool I am. There's another sweet spot if you're female, though...

Huhah!

...wait. If you're Asuna, I mean. Damn, this is tougher that being surrounded by a pack of Frenzy Boars. It seems pigging out is easier than holding back... but I love her and I'll do this because we've been together for about a month now, which is a reasonable amount of time to decide you love someone in. Besides, my time with her has lasted almost four times longer than my previous relationships, so I guess you could say I'm pretty committed to this.

"Well then, let's go to the boss then!" Diabel announces and the crowd cheers in response. Fifteen minutes later and without encountering a single enemy, we reach the boss room doors.

"I'm afraid of dying, Kirito!"

"All right, remembers your roles and we should all be fine. Ready? Let's go!" after Diabel's long, charming, and enthusiastic prep talk I can't help but feel pumped as we go through the doors. There's no doubt this guy will make a good third in command, Kirito being the first in command and I as the vice-commander, of course. I'm not so arrogant as to shoot for the very top.

The entire rooms lights up, and suddenly the fat-arsed red Illfang the Kobold Lord launches himself onto the battlefield, spawning three sentries as he lands. As our squad has been assigned to taking care of the Kobold Sentinels, I target the one in the middle instantly and await the order.

"Charge!"

In about a half second, my sword is through the first one's neck and it shatters into a cascade of falling light. This will be an easy fight if it goes on lik—

"Gary, watch out!" I hear a feminine scream that can only be from Asuna, and I turn to see a Sentinel's mace coming straight for my torso. With no room to dodge, I wince as the mace smashes into me. The weapon snaps in half as it collides with my chiseled abdomen, its top fragment clattering loudly as it hits the ground. I slide back a centimeter from the fully-forced hit and to my horror my health drops to 99%. In a panicked, sloppy counter-attack I do a triple front-flip over him and stab the creature though a inch-wide slit in his armour. The critical hit does damage worth his health points four times over and he instantly breaks into nothingness.

"I'm so glad you're alright! I would have killed myself if you had died here!" the extremely independent and strong Asuna is now a mess of raw emotions, and I can't blame her. Girls can't live without guys they love after a month or two of being together, so her wanting to commit suicide in case of my death is perfectly reasonable.

"It's okay babe, I won't die."

"I don't want to die!" Sachi waves the death flag above her head from atop Kirito's shoulders once again.

Damnit, Sachi.

We turn towards the Boss, who is currently smacking players aside as if they were nothing more than insects. Without our help, they'll surely fall.

"We need to help them." Kirito mutters under his breath like a true badass.

"Yeah." I say, because any other answer would be idiotic and leave me looking like an asshole.

We have to win this.

TUNE IN(?) NEXT CHAPTER TO SEE THE PAINFULLY PREDICTABLE RESULTS OF THE FIRST FLOOR BOSS FIGHT.

They've spent the last month slaughtering the two types of enemies on the first floor and during that time no one of real importance died, but what will they do now that they are faced against Illfang, the Kobold Lord? How will our heroes do and who will die in this treacherous fight that walks the line between life and death, and will any of them die so early on that they become forgotten almost entirely later chapters? Only time and/or watching the second episode of the anime will tell!

Actual A/N: Hope you enjoyed and special thanks to Agent 94 for his input and help. If you'd like to see something parodied here, our take on any aspect of SAO, or have constructive criticism feel free to PM either me or Interfector.

Also, if you noticed the * in the chapter that's because I'm being an asshole to Interfector and adding that in without telling him, I won't explain past that.