Chapter 4: Illfang vs The Boss

Dodge, for crap's sake!

I watch as Big Black Guy attempts to block a heavy hit from Illfang and gets sent skidding across the ground on his back, his health bar at yellow from the ax-to-ax collision. I'm glad to see he's okay, but by God he really is an idiot for building his character as a tank. Everyone knows speed and dexterity are where it's at; after all, anyone who wants to survive more than a few hits in a game where death is permanent and real is a filthy casual.

I sigh, wondering why anyone would want to live such a low risk life in this game as «Battle Healing» negates any and all damage that the Sentinel in front of me is doing as he stabs me repeatedly through the chest . I grab the spear's shaft and crush it with my firm, testosterone-fueled grip. The weapon shatters into pieces and the Sentinel falls into a shivering heap before me, its coded will to fight completely negated by my sheer masculinity, bravery, nobility, masculinity, strength, power, masculinity, beauty, and humility. Did I mention my masculinity?

"And stay down!" I yell at the Sentinel while rushing towards Illfang the Kobold Lord, who is currently attacking Diabel. If you're wondering why I didn't cut the mob down, the answer is simple. I would never harm anything that lies down before me, at least not on purpose. Hell, that group of 4 blonde models being sore afterwards was really not intentional, it was just that at the time I thought lasting 6 hours was normal.

Huhah!

I leap twenty meters into the air like anyone still on the first floor of a game should be able to and arc myself downwards, activating a new sword skill mid-air and targeting Illfang. With my sword held in front of me and my legs behind me, I, Garry Stu-nning, become a rocket fashioned of pure sinew, virility, and pink flashy lights(from the sword skill). When the testosterone shuttle smashes into the Kobold Lord's exposed back I send it tumbling forward, the hit from a single one handed sword user obviously far too much for it to stay on its feet. It's health bar also drops down to the last one, losing two full bars in one hit. What a well designed boss.

Kirito wipes out a few squadrons of Sentinels with a single swipe and then runs over to me with Asuna in tow. Sachi is still clinging onto his back, using one of her hands to pull a red shirt out of her inventory.* Kirito slides to a stop beside me, and along with Diabel, Big Black Guy, Cactus, and Asuna, we stare down the boss.

"Let's win this." I make the most profound and useful statement that has ever left a human being's mouth.

"Yeah." Kirito responds, continuing the trend of High Quality Dialogue.

Now, usually two people fighting a boss on their own, even when the boss only has one health bar left, is a terrible idea. It is, of course, supposed to be a creature that can withstand the onslaught of multiple parties and 40+ people at once, but with Kirito and I's levels due to the Edgy Character XP Bonus we should be fine. After all, if things get tough we can always yell something mid battle and that will let us do more damage.

So with speed that reminds me of my days of winning Gold in the junior Olympics track meets we charge Illfang, our swords held at our sides. We are less than 10 meters away from him when my flawless stride is cut short by some blue haired loser. Oh, it's Diabel.

"Stand back! I'll finish him!" Diabel charges forward, and as he takes the next step, Illfang pulls out his weapon thing. I don't know what it's called, because lets face it, anyone who researches different kinds of weapons is probably a virgin.

"Hey, should we tell him it's different from the Beta?" Kirito asks.

"Nah, that'd be too simple."

So in classic MMORPG fashion we sit back and watch faithfully as he gets his ass kicked by a combo even I find slightly absurd. Diabel's limp bodies goes flying a few meters and skids across the cold, hard floor, and I run over to him as Kirito covers me.

"Diabel, drink this." I go into a flawless slide a good fifteen meters away from him, coming to a stop in a kneeling position over him, health potion at the ready. Unfortunately, my badass entrance is ruined by the fact he stops my health potion with his hand. This feels odd, as it is the first time a long, cylinder-esque object of mine has been stopped by anything.

Huhah!

"You have to defeat the boss, Gary. For everyone's sake." Diabel chokes out his words as if he's in serious pain, which is odd because you don't feel pain in SAO.

"Okay, sure. But why are you rejecting the health potion? You could live if you just drank it, so this is kind of a pointle-" I cut myself off because he explodes into a million small fragments forcing me to sit there, momentarily shocked. The bastard died before I finished making my point!

I turn around to see Kirito killing off the boss in some extremely exaggerated fashion with Asuna, landing next to the boss. He gets the drop, which is some super duper edgy cape. I'm kind of jealous, I will admit, because as everyone knows edgy and cool are synonymous.

"Good job, bro." I fistbump Kirito, because we're best friends and everything. Playboy sportsmen who drive nice cars and shut in gamers with no friends are natural BFFs.

"Thanks, dude." Our collective perfection causes Asuna and Sachi to collapse into writhing piles of want and desire, or at least in Asuna's case. Sachi was probably about to do the same, but she knocked herself out when she fell off Kirito's back. Well, at least she'll keep her mouth shut now. The entire appeal of her is that you can project whatever personality you want on her, so when she speaks she sometimes comes dangerously close to becoming an actual character, which would suck.

"I don't want to die!" she says as she wakes with a start.

"Oh, thank God. I thought she was going to do something non-generic." Kirito said with a worried look as he picked her up off the floor. Kirito and I had a laugh together and Asuna hung off my shoulder. Big Black Guy and the other clearers were also smiling, happy that we had won the fight.

"How can you guys be happy, you bastards!" Our happiness is interrupted by a scream from Cactus Head, and I'm about to stride over to him and brute force him back into his place but I decide to hear him out because walking over to him would mean getting Asuna off me.

"Diabel... Diabel is dead and you guys are happy? You bastards! You're probably all Beta Testers!" Again, Kirito looks slightly wounded, and because of that I take action for my best buddy.

"So what if we're Beta testers? We saved your lives, didn't we?" I say with a harsh tone, and in the face of my sheer confidence and power Cactus Head backs down.

"He's right about Diabel, though. Someone should do a eulogy for him." Big Black Guy states, and I can't help but agree with him. He's a minority, after all.

"Yeah, you're right." Kirito nods at Big Black Guy.

"Okay, so who'll do the speech?"

Silence in the crowd. One meek voice rings out from the back.

"Err, we've all only known him for like, a day."

It's a good point.

Oh fuck it.

"I'll do it!" I announce proudly and step up in front of the crowd.

"Diabel was a friend, a leader, a fighter, a painfully contrived attempt to make us realize the impact of death in this game, and he had a pretty cool hair color. His death may have been silly and completely avoidable, but his life was filled with passion, power, and arm-waving. During the thirteen minutes of screen time I knew Diabel for I made a deep emotional connection with him, as I'm sure everyone else did. He will be sorely missed, and we will carry his memory with us for at least a floor or two." The crowd starts to clap at the end of my speech, those who were sitting down stand up to continue clapping. If you're wondering were I got my ultra manly speech-skills from, I'll kindly remind you I was the president of the student council during middle school.

Asuna hugs me deeply, tears in her eyes as no woman can go more than a few hours without bursting into a hysterical emotional fit. I hug her back and pick her up, and along with Kirito and Sachi start to walk towards the exit.

"See you guys on the next floor!" Big Black Guy calls out to us as Klein, Lisbeth, Silica come out from their hiding places to follow us. I have no idea how Klein got in here, considering he wasn't even part of the party, but at least Lisbeth and Silica know their roles. They aren't very useful in a fight, but they need to be with us when we're walking to complete Kirito and I's badass harem look. Crap, I mean Kirito's harem look. I'm married to Asuna, which reminds me that I need to give her some bread with cream later today. Maybe just cream...

Huhah!

We throw the gate open to the next floor as a collective, and, as a group of social rejects and beaters that everyone loves and respects begin the climb to the next floor.

IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF GARY STU-NNING'S SPLENDIFEROUS STAGING

When Heathcliff, the leader of some big guild no one really cares about, challenges Gary Stu-nning to a duel over Asuna, how will our hero react? Will he take the challenge and initiate a battle between Gods, or has our favorite stud finally met a battle even he backs out of? Will Sachi's overdue death finally be reached next chapter? Will Lisbeth and Silica become characters instead of otaku pandering garbage? Will I Retcon my main character halfway through for the sake of a plot point, like so many others have done? Find out next time in Chapter 5: A Day In The Wi-er...Life

Actual A/N: We promise that this updating slowly is part of the satire. It's a SAO FF, after all.