Thanks to all of those that left PM's and reviews, including the guest reviews. I agree, Emily messed up. And yes, a lot of things have to be resolved now. Sure hope I won't forget things. This chapter is for Adam and Daniel mostly. Hope you all like it.

Chapter 16

"Please, Adam," Emily found herself begging, "I'm so so sorry. Please, can't we talk about it?"

Adam had been quiet. They were halfway to town already and he had barely said a word. He was mad. But if he was honest, he was mostly mad at himself. Who on earth takes his girlfriend home to meet the family after only two dates? Problem was, if his parents had still been alive, he probably would have, feeling the way he did. And it would have been fine. But they weren't alive. He was the parent. And that role came with responsibilities. He had completely blown it today. He should never have brought her home. He should have made sure he knew her better. He should have known how she felt about all sorts of things before introducing her to his brothers, not just the ones he was raising, but his partner in raising them as well.

Brian. Of course Brian had made a name for himself in a small town such as Murphys. People liked to gossip and the McFaddens were a grateful subject. Their large family had always been the talk of the town, but ever since Brian and he had taken up the responsibility of raising their younger brothers, the town had kept a close eye on them. He knew they talked about them. It was usually well meant, but it felt intrusive. They all hated it. And Brian had made a special object of interest out of himself with his frequent visits to the town's nightlife, or what passed for it. He'd dated pretty much every eligible young lady. Adam often teased him that if it had boobs he'd date it. It wasn't completely true, but Brian had to admit it came close to the truth. It was one of the reasons Adam disliked him going out so often. It attracted attention and it had taken a long time for the town to light up on their suggestions of helping out, or even adoption. So yes, Adam was mad at Brian as well. If it wasn't for Brian's reputation, Emily wouldn't have had any ammunition.

Daniel. Yes, he was also mad at Daniel. Although he wasn't sure why. Why on earth was he mad at the boy? The young teenager hadn't really done anything. Evan was the one who'd pushed this time. But again, if Adam was honest, and to himself he usually was, Evan hadn't done anything to warrant being sent to his room and threatened with a spanking. And Daniel had only defended his younger brother. So why was he so mad?

Nerves. That's what it was. He'd been too nervous. He was so nervous she wouldn't like the ranch or would think they lived like country hicks. Afraid she wouldn't fit in. His high school girlfriend hadn't been able to picture herself living on the ranch raising those boys. He remembered her words well. Too well. They were ingrained in his brain. He hadn't worried too much about the boys liking her. Because, well, she was just so likeable. Right? He glanced sideways, finding her tear-filled eyes resting on him.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought you home," Adam knew his tone was clipped, but he couldn't manage a kinder one.

The tears spilled over, Emily couldn't stop them. "I was so excited coming here. I so wanted to see your home and meet your brothers. I shouldn't have said all those things."

"But you did." It was a mean thing to say, he knew it. Mom and dad had taught him to gracefully accept apologies. But it was too hard. She had said things that hurt the core of his family. She'd implied he wasn't a responsible parent, allowing his younger brothers to chop wood and do other ranch work. She'd criticized Brian as a role model for the boys. And that felt even worse. Sure, he criticized Brian at times, but no one else could.

"I know. I can't take them back. I wish I could, but I can't."

"Which ones would you like to take back? And would you want to take them back because you don't really think that I shouldn't let Ford use an axe? Or because you realize that was unfair criticism from a person who has no idea how much training and supervision goes into chores like that and how things work on ranches? Or how about Brian? You said what you did for a reason. You must think that as a parent he shouldn't go out."

"That's not true. Of course he can go out. I just…I just felt that…"

"You think he's not a good role model for the boys," Adam continued, mercilessly. "You think he doesn't pull his weight in this family."

"You do so much. I can tell you do. I just wanted to be liked…" She'd wanted to be liked by Adam, to support him and she'd overreacted. She knew that. But Brian's ways made her worry, that was true.

"Well, you have a strange way of showing that. You have no idea what Brian gave up. You have no idea what he does in this family. You hardly know us. And don't say you know about us from the towns folk, because they don't know either. I couldn't do this without Brian. He always has my back. Always. He's the one person I can always count on. So if he goes out for a drink every now and then, if he dates girls…he's so young, only 22. He shouldn't have all this responsibility. He should be graduating college now and starting his future. Instead, he stayed here."

Emily was crying softly now, "You must hate me now."

It took the wind out of Adam's sails. "No, I don't." And he didn't. There were people he didn't like, people he was mad at, but he never hated anyone. Hate was poison. "I really don't. I'm mad. But more at myself. I shouldn't have brought you home after only 2 dates. What responsible parent does that? It was stupid. It wasn't fair on you. But it was especially unfair to the boys. I'm responsible for them." And that included Brian, but that was something he wouldn't say out loud, not to her. People didn't understand.

"It wasn't wrong…Adam, you're only 23 yourself. You should be able to date and take a girl you like home with you."

"Maybe, but I'm no ordinary 23-year-old. I have responsibilities people my age don't have. And so I shouldn't have done this." They were on main street now and nearly there.

"Are you…will you…do you think we'll go out again?" Her voice was so soft Adam had to strain to hear the words.

He shook his head, "I don't think so. I liked you a lot, but…"

"But not anymore."

"Not saying that," he knew he still liked her, despite everything. But his life was too complicated for this.

"You said 'liked'."

"Right now I still hear you criticizing our parenting skills and calling my brother a womanizer and a drunk."

Her eyes flew wide open, "I didn't say such a thing!"

"You implied it, Emily. I could see he heard it too. You hurt me. That I could probably get past. But you hurt him too and I'm not sure I can get past that." He pulled up at her house and got out the car to open the door for her. She was faster though and got out before he could reach the door.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish you'd allow me to make up for my mistakes. You're not the only one who has baggage. I'm really not such a bad person." She could tell he wanted to say something, but she wouldn't have answered his questions even if she'd given him the chance to voice them. "Everybody deserves a second chance, don't they?" She was already crying, but knew she'd make a complete spectacle of herself if she stayed where she was, so she ran inside and closed the door leaving him standing on the street, his emotions very much conflicted.

"Brian?" Brian looked into his little brother's blue eyes.

"Yes, Guth?"

"Can we go and finish the Christmas decorations?"

"yeah!" Ford immediately perked up. Brian was grateful for their resilient spirits. Guthrie was so trusting and Ford so easy-going, that it didn't take much to reassure them. It was a good thing too, because Adam had said things the little ones didn't have to worry about. Parents don't, or shouldn't, tell their kids about the things they gave up for them. But then, the difference was, parents more or less chose to become parents, Adam and he had parenthood thrust upon them by fate. At a far too young age. But that didn't mean the little ones had to have guilt added on top of their loss. It was the same reason he'd hid his own hurt over Emily's words deep away.

"Well, we can get the stuff out maybe. Finish the outside. Decorate inside. We don't have a tree yet," Brian wished they'd gotten out to get a tree after church, instead of having lunch with Emily. There was a fleeting image in his mind of the girl as she stood in their living room, completely devastated, pale and on the verge of tears. But the image went as Ford spoke again.

"Can we finish the lights too?"

"Well, I'll need Evan and Daniel for that. And I won't do any decorating without them anyway." Christmas decorating was a family-thing.

"Can't you get them?"

Ford's question made Brian think about it. With all the drama it was hard to remember exactly what the boys had done wrong. They'd called each other some names and had continued to do so after warning. So in all fairness, some punishment was warranted. But they'd spent some time in their rooms now and anything more than a quick word about being nice to each other seemed excessive. "I think I will. Why don't you two clear the table and I'll go and get your brothers. Then we can do the decorating together."

Brian watched the two fly into the kitchen. A request to clean up was seldom met with such enthusiasm. It made him smile. Then he glanced up the stairs and the smile disappeared. There were two angry and upset teenagers upstairs. And their upset was partially justified. But he couldn't undermine Adam. He couldn't apologize for the man. Slowly he made his way up the stairs and knocked on their doors. "Dan'l? Evan?"

One door opened, the other remained closed. Normally, Daniel would be the stubborn one, but in this case it was Evan. Brian wasn't surprised. "Can I come down?"

Daniel's defeated look broke Brian's heart, "Sure kiddo."

"Did Adam say so?" Daniel was a little hesitant.

"Adam's taking Emily home, but I'm saying so, buddy," Brian reached out and pulled Daniel over. "You're done being punished. It wasn't nice to call Evan a dummy, I'm sure you know that and I'm also positive you'll apologize for that."

"If he'll let me," Daniel wasn't so sure Evan would accept his apology.

"He'd better. He has some apologies to make himself, don't you agree?"

At those words Evan's door flew open and the sullen looking teen appeared, "I didn't mean it like that and Adam knew it! Adam was being mean."

Brian threw the boy a look that made him simmer down, even if just slightly, "You called your younger brother a dummy and an idiot all within about 60 seconds, after having been warned the first time. Don't you think that was a little mean and hurtful? You can say you didn't mean it like that, but you said it and you hurt Ford."

"But I didn't mean to hurt him. It's just…it just came out," Even Evan knew it was a lame excuse.

"It just came out…" Brian repeated the words while keeping his eyes on the boy. Evan couldn't hold his gaze.

"I know…pretty lame."

"No kidding. You know better, buddy," Brian's tone was kinder now.

"I'll tell Ford I'm sorry. I promise."

"Good, I'm sure he'll accept it."

"And I'm sorry I said it to you, Ev," Daniel finally spoke. "I saw Ford's hurt look and lashed out at you. Let my temper get the best of me again. You'd think I'd learn not to, but apparently I don't."

"It's okay…I kinda was," Evan conceded. "Especially when I did it again after Adam warned me. "That was pretty stupid."

Daniel shrugged, "I was just as stupid."

"You two might want to tell Adam that," Brian cupped their chins, "For the first time in years he brought a girlfriend home. The guy was a wreck. You two made it much harder for him than necessary."

Daniel wanted to look down, but Brian's hold of his chin was too strong and so all he could do was blink. "I'm sorry. I really tried to be polite and nice. I'd promised Adam I'd try and I did. I guess I didn't try hard enough."

Brian moved his hand to touch the side of the boy's face instead, "I know you tried. As to what I said about talking to Adam…let's wait till he's home and see what kind of mood he's in. I'll help, okay?"

Both boys nodded against his hands and he released them, "Guthrie and Ford suggested we continued with the decorations and I think that's a great way to spend the rest of the afternoon. But not without you two. So…." He watched smiles breaking through two very contrite faces, "Let's get to it and maybe we can have some Christmas spirit by the time he comes home."

The sound of Christmas carols and the sight of his brothers decorating the house greeted Adam when he returned. It brought a smile to his face and for a moment it overrode all thoughts of Emily and the painful situation that had arisen earlier. It had taken him a while to come home, having needed time to digest what had happened. He realized he'd talked more during their dates than she had. Maybe there was some missing information that explained her behavior towards Brian. Maybe he'd looked at it a little one-sidedly. But that was the problem: he had to. He may not like it when people called him a parent, but he was. He was his brothers' parent. With that came responsibilities and one of those responsibilities was that he always had to put them first. No exception. It was the promise he'd made to himself and to them the day he stepped into the role of guardian. The judge had even told him so.

"ADAM!" Guthrie yelled as he saw his brother. "Did you see outside? We did all the lights. We even got lights in the treehouse!" That had been Ford's idea and Guthrie had actually been able to help with that. Brian hadn't been able to come up with any objections with Guthrie going up in the tree to do that, considering the fact the boy was up in there all the time anyway.

"So I saw! It looks great, guys. And inside too….makes me wish we'd gotten a tree today."

Ford grinned, "That's what Brian said too."

"Well, great minds do think alike," Adam threw his brother a glance. Brian was studying him a little too much for his liking. "I'm fine, bro," he reassured, but clearly that accomplished the opposite.

"Sure," Brian wasn't fooled. Adam's face was pale and he looked more than a little troubled, despite the attempt at smiling. "Well," he handed his brother the traditional wreath, "We figured you'd like to put this on the front door."

"I think I can manage that." Adam kept the smile on his face as he finished that. "Still a shame we didn't get a tree."

"We planned to do that next Saturday, so that gives us enough time," Brian had it all figured out. He'd planned to have the lights up this weekend and do the rest of the decorating the next. They'd done more decorating already. Others might think it odd, but Brian seldom worried about what others thought of them. Well, if he did, he didn't let on. He tried to gauge his brother's mood, but it was hard. At least, he didn't look too angry anymore.

Apparently, Daniel and Evan had come to the same conclusion, as, after a quick look at Brian, they both spoke simultaneously, "Adam?"

Adam turned to them and watched them look nervously at each other. Finally, Daniel was the first to speak up, "I'm really sorry, Adam. You were right. I did exactly what you told Evan not to."

"And I knew better than to say the same thing, in different words. I'm real sorry, too," Evan added. "And we never thought about how you were feeling with Emily here."

Adam closed his eyes for a second and then looked both of them in the eye, "Apology accepted. But you're not the only one who owes an apology." Two pair of questioning eyes met him and he smiled, "I'm sorry too. I overreacted. You two shouldn't have done what you did, but I let my own nerves and frustration rule me. In fact, I did exactly what I lecture Daniel about. So that wasn't fair."

"You were nervous cause Emily was here," Daniel offered him an excuse, but Adam wouldn't allow himself a cop out like that.

"Maybe, but that shouldn't have mattered. I'm the adult here. So I'm sorry for overreacting. And I'm sorry for embarrassing you in front of your teacher. There can be situations where it might be called for, but this wasn't one of those times."

Daniel wasn't sure he liked the fact that Adam still might threaten him in public like that, but he had to admit that in the past, he'd given him good cause to do so. Adam may be quick to jump to conclusions and a bit quick-tempered, but he was also good with apologies and was usually pretty darn fair. "I'd rather you'd never."

It made Adam laugh a bit, "Well, that's all up to you, kiddo." Then he became serious again, "So, we good again?"

Both boys nodded, both basically grateful Adam wasn't mad anymore Brian's words had long taken the sting out of the angry words. "Course. That's what brothers are for, right?" Evan grinned and easily gave his oldest brother a hug. "Glad you're not mad anymore."

"I could never stay mad at you for long, kiddo," Adam wrapped his arms around the teenager's body, holding him tightly, glad that this one still allowed hugs. It wasn't until he looked up that he noticed the odd look on Daniel's face. He wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the boy looked somewhat jealous. "Danny?" He said softly as he held out one arm.

"I'm good," was the short answer, but it was clear Daniel wasn't 'good'.

After giving Evan one more squeeze, Adam placed a kiss on the boy's head and released him. He looked at Daniel and again he could see that same look. It confirmed his suspicions and in two steps he was at the couch Daniel was leaning against. "Hey, kiddo…" he reached out and gently cupped Daniel's face. He tried to think what could be troubling the boy and for a moment struggled trying to come up with reasons for Daniel's odd look. Daniel was quite the sensitive boy, always had been. It was what had caused his temper issues after their parents' deaths. His therapist had explained that, when he'd finally gotten some therapy for it. His emotions were overwhelming him and he didn't know how to deal with them, so he lashed out or clammed up. This time he wasn't lashing out, but he was definitely clamming up. Clearly emotional overload. He didn't know what to do and did nothing. Adam had to be the grown up and figure it out for him.

Suddenly he realized Daniel wasn't pulling back from the gentle touch and that's when it clicked. Following his instinct, Adam simply pulled the boy into his arms and hugged him tightly. When he felt Daniel starting to shake he knew he'd made the right decision. Over Daniel's head his eyes met Brian's and Brian read his mind.

"Come on, boys, let's get dinner started. We all worked up an appetite. Well, I did." Most of dinner would be leftover lunch. They never had reached dessert even. He hoped the meal wouldn't remind Adam too much of the disaster lunch with Emily had been. Maybe he should try and make something else out of the leftovers. That might work.

As soon as everyone had left the room Adam returned his attention to Daniel. The boy was clearly fighting tears and Adam wasn't going to let him win that fight. So he held his brother and rubbed his back. When it didn't completely work Adam decided to take a huge risk. He moved his body so he could sit down on the couch and then he pulled Daniel on his lap.

"I'm too old," The boy protested, but he didn't fight Adam and that told Adam he'd made the right decision.

"No one here to see you, kiddo," Adam kept his arms around him and despite the words Daniel leaned against his brother. "You do know how much I love you, don't you?" He felt the nod against his shoulder, "I made a mistake yesterday, kiddo. I should have stayed with you afterwards. You wanted me to, didn't you?"

Daniel couldn't admit it out loud. A part of him wanted to, but something was holding him back. It was the same thing that had held him back yesterday. The difference was, this time, Adam didn't let him go.

"It's okay, kid, I know you did. I needed it too. That may sound weird, but I know I need those hugs as much as you boys do."

"You..do?" Finally finding his voice, those were the only words Daniel could manage.

"I do. So it's a win-win situation to hug. You win. And I win."

"Oh…I never…" Daniel sniffled, still fighting the tears.

"You didn't think about that. I know. Neither did I when I was in your situation." Adam knew he had to speak of painful things to help his brother, "I did the same thing you did when dad punished me. Once I'd become a teenager he'd give me a pat on the back, say a kind word, but he never pushed me into hugging him. I just thought he wanted me to be strong and be a man about it. I thought men didn't hug. But you know what? Brian told me that Dad hugged him. Every single time. Even the last time, when Brian was all of 16. And I realized, it wasn't dad, it was me. Dad wanted to give me my space, because I always stepped away from him. He thought I needed space from him. But I didn't. And he never knew. I bet he felt hurt thinking I was upset with him, so upset that I didn't want to hug him."

"But you weren't."

"No, I wasn't. I desperately wanted him to hug me."

"He should have." It was very rare for any of them to admit a fault in their parents. Their parents were saints in their eyes. The perfect parents. Adam knew he had big shoes to fill. For Daniel to say this was big. And it probably said more about Adam than about Dad.

"I should have yesterday." He'd repeated Dad's mistake. In a way, he was in good company, but it hurt knowing he hadn't learned from his own experience. "I should have done what I'd wanted dad to do all my teenage life. And I didn't. I was too busy thinking about my own hurt feelings over you pulling away from me."

"Like daddy."

"I guess so, yes. But I should have gotten over those and think about you instead."

"Like daddy should have."

Adam had to swallow the lump in his throat away. He could feel the salty tears threatening to spill over. He was even afraid to blink for fear they would do just that. "Maybe."

"Not maybe. He should have."

"But I won't let that happen anymore, Danny, I promise." And with that he held his brother even closer. He could feel Daniel's breath hitch. "It's okay to want a hug. And it's okay to cry." Another little shake and although he couldn't see Daniel's face, he knew the boy had just lost the battle against the tears. It was a relief.

"Daddy always called me Danny," the boy cried.

"I'm sorry….if you don't want me to, I won't."

"It's okay…" His entire body was shaking now and Adam just rocked him in his arms. "I can't remember how it felt, Adam." Adam knew Daniel meant the feeling of dad's warm arms around him.

"I know," And with that, Adam lost his own battle. Despite his words to Daniel, the man had been battling a losing fight of his own against tears. "I've had so many more years. And when I close my eyes and concentrate I try to feel them…but it's hard."

"I miss them so much."

"My too, kiddo, me too." Adam couldn't get more out.

"I close my eyes and I see them, but their voices….their hugs…that's so hard."

Not bothering to try his face Adam spoke softly, "And then you don't want to hug me? Because it reminds you too much?"

The boy shook his head against him, "No…it's cause…cause….you're so much like daddy. And…"

When Daniel's voice trailed off something Crane had said once, clicked in. Crane had told him once that the fact that Adam was so much like their father was actually what made it harder for Daniel. As a teenager you fight your parents. And you fight with your brothers. But when a brother becomes that father, things get complicated. It had been enough for Adam to understand why teenage Daniel fought him so much. He resisted seeing Adam as his father even though Adam never pretended to be that. But maybe Crane had meant more than just that. "And then you feel guilty?" Silence met him, but he went on. "You don't want to see me in the same way, because I'm your brother. But that's hard when I am so much like dad. And then you feel bad because you see him in me."

"It's almost like he's back." The words were whispered, but Adam heard them.

"And that hurts." A nod as the sobs increased. "And part of you still wants to see me that way?" Another nod and Adam's heart broke.

"I feel the same, kid, I feel exactly the same. But it's okay. It's okay to want it. We're not betraying him. He'd want this for us. He'd want you to feel safe and loved. He'd want you to be able to fight me the same way you'd have fought him if he was still alive. And he'd want you to be hugged the same way he'd have hugged you. He wouldn't want you to be deprived of that. That would make him incredibly sad." Adam spoke very softly, but he knew Daniel was listening through his tears. "We all need hugs, Danny, every single one of us. And every kid needs a parent. And if I have to be that parent, I will be that parent. We don't have to say the words and we don't have to advertise it to the world. But if it helps you, then accept that. I know it helps me. I know I always emphasize the fact that I'm your brother, not dad. But in a way I have stepped into his shoes. So I have to embrace the role. Accepting that will make me a better parent to you boys. Because that's what I am. I'm not dad, I know I'm a poor wannabe, a flawed copy,"

"You're not." Suddenly Daniel's voice was stronger, "Don't you put yourself down. You're a great parent to all of us. Dad'd be so proud of you."

"I hope so, kid…thank you, it means a lot to me to hear you say that." In fact, it meant the world to Adam. "He'd be proud of you too. You've got a great heart, kid. And you are so talented. I can tell you're growing into a very special adult. One any father would be proud of."

"You too?"

"Are you kidding me? You bet me too!"

They remained on the sofa for a few more minutes, in silence while Daniel got himself under control. And Adam as well, if he was honest. And if he was even more honest, he was disappointed when Daniel had calmed down so much that he didn't feel comfortable sitting on Adam's lap anymore and slipped off. Adam knew he'd gotten away with a lot today and it would probably not be repeated any time soon, if at all. It had ended too quickly. But he understood. "You okay now, Danny?"

Daniel nodded and then suddenly gave him a sharp look, "You're not gonna call me Danny all the time now, just cause I said it was okay, are ya?"

Adam had to smile a bit, "Only if you won't go around calling me dad."

They were both too serious still to laugh, so Daniel shook his head, "I won't. But it's not cause you're not a good one." The boy had gotten to his feet and Adam did the same thing.

"Hmm I may remind you of those words next time you're in trouble…..Danny."

Daniel rolled his eyes, "Oh my god, don't! Older people have such bad memories…dad!"

"Don't call me old! And don't call me dad…" But despite the tone both knew there was genuine feeling behind the word dad. And that was okay. They knew. And that was enough.