Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin

Tae was delighted to see them when they entered the Akabeko. She bustled over and pulled Kaoru into a brisk hug, scolding gently, "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in ages!"

Kaoru chuckled, "I saw you just a few weeks ago. Besides, you see Yahiko just about every day, I'm sure he keeps you informed."

Tae made a dismissive motion. "Men. You know how they are, they never notice the important things. I want to hear from you how you've been."

She shrugged, "Not much to tell really. Won't you join us for lunch? We're celebrating and I promise that I'll stay behind after and we can catch up." She clasped her hands in front of her and gave Tae an innocent, hopeful look.

Glancing around and noting that her staff had everything under control, she decided that it was all right to take a break. She led them to a table where she could monitor the restaurant yet still have privacy. Everyone quickly settled and ordered, a festive feeling surrounding the group. Giving into her curiosity, Tae asked, "So what's the celebration?"

Kaoru grinned, "It's my birthday lunch."

"Ah, yes. I can't believe how quickly time flies. Which one was it?"

Feeling her grin become slightly strained, Kaoru said quietly, "Twenty."

Tae's eyes were sympathetic and she laid a hand gently on Kaoru's. "Don't worry about. It doesn't matter anyway. Let's celebrate and enjoy the meal!"

Noting that Yahiko had thankfully held his tongue, probably something to do with wanting to present a mature image to Tsubame, Kaoru could practically feel Kenshin's bafflement. Feeling a quick flash of anger, she decided that she wouldn't just explain it, but that he'd have to ask if he wanted to know. He probably didn't care enough to ask anyway.

Working on shoving the sudden wash of negative feelings away, she almost missed Kenshin's quiet query. "Tae-dono, Kaoru-dono, sessha is afraid that sessha doesn't understand, that he doesn't. Why is twenty not a good age? It seems like a fine one to me, that it does."

Not wanting someone else to have to explain but unwilling to mask her true feeling, Kaoru answered quietly, suddenly feeling old. "When a woman turns twenty and is unmarried, she is considered an old maid. There is something obviously wrong with her, either lack of money or something else. Society tends to look on them with pity and sometimes contempt. It is unkind and even foolish, but there it is. I am already considered odd by the community, this will just add to it, is all."

Kenshin looked like someone had slapped him, surprise evident in every feature, and his eyes flashed amber briefly. Kaoru watched in fascination before she remembered that she wasn't doing that to herself anymore and wrenched her eyes away. Right then, the food arrived, cutting off any reply he might have made. She glanced at him, but his cheerful rurouni mask was firmly back into place. As they were arranging the food, she caught Yahiko glancing at her with growing concern, seeming to finally grasp what this really meant for Kaoru. Taking advantage of the brief disarray, she bumped him light with her shoulder, distracting him. She didn't need him worrying about her any more than he already did. Enishi had shaken him to the core and she didn't need him to backslide from the steps he'd made in overcoming his fear of losing her.

Lunch passed quickly with good natured banter and laughter. Tae had shared several stories of when Kaoru was younger, embarrassing her and making her glad that she'd grown up. Still, it was all in good fun, so she couldn't protest too much. Finally, the meal wound down and Yahiko was the first to sleep away to start his shift. Kenshin, Tae, and Kaoru all lingered, content. Seeing Tae looking at her intently, Kaoru drew up her courage and turned to Kenshin, "Hey, why don't you go on ahead? I know that you have things to do and I want to stay and chat with Tae privately for a bit."

She saw him struggle mentally for a minute over whether to go. Finally he said, "Sessha is enjoying being with you, Kaoru-dono, but sessha does have shopping to do. Why don't you and Tae-dono have your chat while sessha shops and then we can walk back together?"

Feeling her heart leap, she fiercely scolded the traitorous organ, praying that her face was calm. She appeared to think it over, then nodded slowly, "That would work. Thank you, Kenshin. I appreciate your kindness." This seemed to startle him, but he merely stood and made his way out of the restaurant.

Sensing that Tae was about to interrogate her, she held up her hand to prevent the inevitable questions. "Can we go somewhere more private?"

Tae, always quick to catch on, nodded and stood up. "Come on, we can talk in my office."

They made their way there and Kaoru waited until the door was shut before collapsing into one of the chairs. "Oh, Tae. What am I going to do?"

Tae seated herself gracefully, ignoring the way that Kaoru was sprawled. "Do about what? Something's been going on with you lately, you're not your usual cheerful self. What's going on?"

Kaoru found herself relaxing, her heart warming at the obvious concern in her friend's voice. While they were fairly close in age, Tae had a motherly feel that soothed an aching need in Kaoru's soul. She was someone that would help her work through whatever problem she was working through with love and compassion, but would tell it to her straight as well. Lacking the energy to pull herself into a more decorous position, she said, "I've been, struggling, lately. As you know, my twentieth birthday was yesterday. It's going to make my life harder. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a single thing about the way I was brought up. But I'm an oddity, a single female kendo instructor with no kith or kin to help her. People talk, I hear them, even if they think I can't. Sometimes, I feel so tired that it's all I can do to act as if nothing's wrong. I'm so tired of being alone."

"What about Yahiko and Kenshin?"

"They are my family. But I need something more, I need someone to support me. I love Yahiko, he's the little brother that I never had, but I can't put anything more on him. He's been through enough. When Enishi took me, it scared him deeply, thinking that I was dead. It honors me that he continued to follow my family's principles even after he thought I was gone, but it breaks my heart that he had to go through that. After we got back, it took weeks before he didn't come screaming awake from nightmares. It's only been in the past few months that he's been able to let me out of his sight for more than a few hours. No, he's been through enough and it's my turn to protect him."

Tae prompted gently when it became apparent that Kaoru wasn't going to continue, "And Kenshin?"

Kaoru kept her voice soft, but her pain was clearly obvious, "Kenshin's been in my life for three years now. When he first showed up, I was so glad to have someone else in the dojo, someone to talk to. Despite my many faults, he never made me feel, less. He accepted me for me. I know that he worried about his past, but it never mattered to me. He was who he was now, that's all that mattered. Then he left for Kyoto and I realized how much I'd fallen for him. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest."

"But you went after him."

"Only because everyone set me straight. I was paralyzed, Tae, and I hated feeling so helpless. Everything worked out and we came back here. I felt, hopeful. He'd seen that I was capable of protecting myself and I made it abundantly clear that I understood his past and it didn't matter! Gradually, we grew closer. We'd have tea in the evenings and chat and he was opening up more. He'd even sought me out a few times just to chat. He was starting to laugh more and I was happy to see that he was happy. Then came Enishi."

Tae shuddered slightly, remember the awful feeling of learning that Kaoru was dead. "That was a bad time."

Kaoru nodded, her eyes shadowed. "I think that was the first time I felt my heart break. I felt like such a naïve fool for not realizing that Kenshin could've been in love with someone else. I'd like to believe that he would've eventually told me about her, but since Enishi forced his hand, I'll never know. I've never told anyone this, but I was close to giving up on that island."

Tae was shocked, "No!"

Kaoru nodded grimly, "Yes, I'd spent two years pining after a man whom I realized that I didn't even know. Every day that passed and no one arrived, my spirits got lower. I even started to think about how everyone's lives would be better if I wasn't there, that maybe it was a good thing that I wasn't around."

Tae's fists clenched angrily, "Kaoru! How dare you even…" She looked up and the pain in her eyes quenched Tae's anger.

"I didn't realize that everyone thought I was dead. And that place really messed with my mind. Knowing what I know now, I would've never even thought that, I promise you." The shadows in her eyes easing, she grinned at Tae, "However, my Kamiya stubbornness swiftly kicked in and I planned out exactly what I'd yell at him for leaving me there for so long and hiding his past from me. But everyone was so broken when I got back. It took a long time to put everyone back together. We'll never be the same as we were before."

"So what are you going to do now?"

Kaoru closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before she spoke the words that tore her heart in two, "I'm moving on. I'm giving up on Kenshin. We've been together for three years now and he's never pursued me romantically. So I'm going to accept the fact that we'll never be more than friends and move on. I want a family, I want to leave a legacy behind me. I adore Yahiko, but I want children of my own. Even though I'm twenty, I have the dojo, so I should be able to find someone to marry me. And maybe someday, I'll even be able to love him. But I can't keep waiting anymore. It's killing me, Tae."

"So how are you going to go about just be friends?"

Kaoru tugged roughly at her ponytail, frustrated. "I don't know. I want to be friends, but I don't know how to do that. I thought about avoiding him, but that won't work at all. After Enishi, he wouldn't let me out of sight for weeks, his eyes were constantly amber. When weeks had gone by and nothing had happened, he finally started relaxing, but I still feel his ki brush against me several times a day, checking to make sure that I'm still there and that I'm ok. Avoiding him would put him on edge and he'd never leave me alone."

Tae looked at her thoughtfully, "Doesn't the fact that he's Battousai worry you?"

Kaoru's eyes flashed angrily.

Kk

Kenshin had left the restaurant reluctantly, fighting the urge to look over his shoulder for one last glimpse of her to reassure himself that she was ok. It was all he could do to keep his rurouni mask in place. It was absolutely barbaric that there was a rule created by society that said women were lacking if they weren't married by twenty. There was nothing wrong with Kaoru! She was a perfect, amazing woman. He felt the Battousai straining to emerge and he hastily flicked his bangs forward so that his eyes were covered. No wonder she'd been so distant lately, with her birthday approaching. As much as she proclaimed otherwise, he knew that Kaoru was a social creature and the neighbors' disapproval cut her tender heart deeply.

Despite the fact that she was twenty, he knew that Kaoru would have no problem finding a husband if she wanted one. Feeling his anger rise at the thought of his Kaoru in someone else's arms, he picked up his pace, hoping to distract himself. It didn't work. Instead, he was bombarded with a torrent of images. Kaoru laughing with a faceless man, kissing him, swollen with that man's child, surrounded by a bunch of dark haired children, all of them with her beautiful sapphire eyes, while he always watched from a distance, alone. Each image was a knife to his heart and he almost staggered from the pain. He knew in his heart that someday Kaoru would marry, but he hadn't really thought about it.

He felt his anger flare again. What man deserved Kaoru? His heart ached as he acknowledged the fact that he couldn't have her, his hands were too bloodstained. But was there a man out there that was worthy of Kaoru? He didn't think so and he only realized he was growling when he saw someone move hastily out of his way.

He worked on keeping his rurouni persona intact and thrust all thoughts of Kaoru with someone else out of his head. He finished his shopping quickly, but felt the Battousai still lurking below the surface wanting out. He made it back to the Akabeko quickly and was informed that Kaoru and Tae were in her office. He passed Yahiko in the hallway to the office and was surprised when the boy scowled at him.

He was startled, but pushed it aside. Making his way over to the door, he was about to knock when he heard Tae ask, "Doesn't the fact that he's Battousai worry you?" He held his breath, unconsciously bracing himself for a blow.

Kaoru's voice was outraged, "Kenshin would never hurt me!" She paused and Kenshin heard her take a deep breath. "The problem is, you think of Kenshin as two different people, the Battousai and the rurouni."

"Isn't he?"

"No, rather it's like two sides of the same coin, two sides to his nature. The Battousai is the protector, the heart of Kenshin. Battousai is fierce and uncompromising, he acts swiftly and will do anything to protect those he cares about. He thinks he's unworthy of love because of all the people he's killed. He's accepted that as the price of what he did to bring in a new era. But think of it this way. What would have happened if he hadn't done what he did? How many more people would have died? The old era was bloody and brutal, now we have a chance at peace. He did everything he could to protect the future and all of those who will come after us."

He sucked in a deep breath, feeling suddenly dizzy. He'd never thought of it that way before and it shook him to the core. He almost missed Tae asking thoughtfully, "The rurouni?"

His attention was fully focused on the conversation and he could almost see Kaoru's smile, "That's his nurturing nature. As the Battousai, he has to be fierce and strong so that people think twice about challenging him. But that's a lonely way to live. The rurouni is his softness, his soul. By taking care of others, it brings peace to his lonely soul, lets him see the goodness in the world, not just the darkness. His caring is his way of showing love. He has lost so much time and time and time again. But it hasn't made him hard, rather, it's tempered him like good steel. He hates the violence that the Battousai has used, but can never entirely despise it because it has kept people that he loves safe. It's easier for him to think of Battousai as separate, to distance himself. But he's just Kenshin. Battousai/rurouni, yin/yang, light/dark, heart/soul. It's all Kenshin. It's who he is."

Kaoru's words shook him, reaching a deep part of him that he'd kept locked away for a long time. He couldn't breathe for a long moment, astounded by the amazing, strong, caring woman that Kaoru was. He almost felt things sliding into their rightful place, started feeling whole for the first time in over a decade. Feeling overwhelmed, he carefully tucked the conversation away in his mind where he could bring it out and examine it later.

Composing himself, he waited a moment then knocked on the door. Hearing Tae's soft, 'Enter', he eased open the door, a practiced smile on his face. Seeing Kaoru sprawled bonelessly in a chair, his smile became genuine. Entering, he held up the bags he carried for their inspection, "Sessha is done with shopping, that he is. Are you ready to go, Kaoru-dono?"

Grumbling, she nodded and pulled herself to her feet. Tae rose as well, coming around the desk to hug her. "Don't be a stranger now."

Kaoru looked thoughtful for a moment, "How about tea next week?"

Tae smiled, "Wonderful. I'll see you then."

Kaoru smiled and then followed after Kenshin, tugging a few of the packages from his hands. His feeble protests sparked her laughter and he drank in the joyous sound.

Kk

Misao stared out the window, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as if she could physically keep herself from falling to pieces. She'd retreated to her rooms so no one could see how much she was hurting. She'd been serving lunch at the Aoiya, counting down the time until she could take Aoshi-sama his tea, when she saw the sight that had pushed her over the edge. Aoshi-sama had walked into the Aoiya with a woman on his arm, laughing. She had stared at him in shock, she hadn't heard him laugh for ages. Seeing the other members of the Oniwabanshu stare at her, she quickly pulled her bubbly mask on and bounced over to them, pouting and laughing at 'her' Aoshi-sama.

Hah, she scoffed, he wasn't 'her' anything. He and every single one of the Oniwabanshu made it abundantly clear that they still saw her as a child with a foolish crush. She'd finished her shift before excusing herself, being extremely careful to act like she normally would. So here she stood, her heart breaking and calling herself ten kinds of a fool.

Feeling trapped, she knew that she needed to get away from the Aoiya and the well-meaning Oniwabanshu. It wasn't their fault that they still saw her as a child, but she needed to get away. But where to go? Kaoru's image suddenly flashed in her mind and she grabbed on it like a life preserver. She'd go to Kaoru, the other woman would understand her situation and the time away would help her to clear her head.

She chewed her lip absently. Aoshi and Okina would never agree to her going by herself, they would insist on someone going with her. But she needed to go by herself. She'd managed it once before, but they were more aware of her tricks now. However, with a little bit of careful planning and subtle misdirection, she would be able to manage it. She had time and a few days wasn't going to make that much of a difference.

So lost in her thoughts, she missed the sound of quiet footsteps in the hall. A soft knock startled her and she held her breath. Aoshi quiet voice called through the shoji, "Misao, are you there? We need to talk."

Feeling the start of tears, she ignored him and slipped noiselessly out the window, desperate to get as far away from him and the Aoiya as she could before she broke down and cried.

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