Chapter 33 – I Wish It Was You (2)
~~~~December 1888~~~~
Nikola stood outside her study, his hand clenched into a fist, trembling slightly. It had taken him a long while to build up enough courage to make it this far, but he knew he had to do it, ever since that night she had drunkenly sought comfort from him in the form of a whiskey bottle and a fervent kiss, he knew he had to tell her, he had to let her know, at least so that she would know the truth.
He loved her, and he always would, and he should've told her that before she had gotten mixed up with John, instead of running away. He always ran away when things got too hard, it was why he left his family in Serbia as soon as he was old enough to do so; why he left for Budapest, and from any possibility of a real human connection, especially from women; but not her, not Helen, not the woman that haunted his thoughts and dreams almost nightly.
She was beautiful, perfect, his only equal. Then Druitt had come and shattered her, all because Nikola could not keep his emotions from reaching out to her, and she had gotten caught up in the rush of it.
He had stayed in London since they had found out of John's betrayal, his insanity. He had stayed around this long just for her, for her protection, just as much as her company. Nikola barely managed to rescue her by the skin of his teeth, he almost lost her then, and he would not lose her again, not before telling her the truth.
It was simple, right?
Helen, I love you.
I love you, Helen.
Maybe he should just kiss her, show her how he feels.
Nikola shook his head. No, he was going in there, looking her in the eye, and telling her how he felt, no demands and no expectations. He would love her whether she returned those feelings or not.
He closed his eyes, remembering the feel of her lips when she had kissed him that night, her hand running down his torso, caressing his skin, the soft, dirty words she had whispered into his ear, most unbecoming of a lady, but so intoxicating at the same time.
Nikola opened his eyes, staring at the oak door, fingering the handle.
He could do this, she deserved this much, to know that he would never leave her, that he would crawl through 1oo miles of broken glass just to stand in her shadow, just to see her smile.
He steeled himself, held a firm grip on the handle, turned it, and walked inside.
And there she was, staring out the snow streaked window out at the evening sky, her expression somber and sad. The confidence he had spent so many hours diligently building up shattered like a wine glass on concrete.
He froze, staring at her. Even in her gloomy state she was still more beautiful than he could imagine.
Her blonde hair was done up in a tight bun, she always wore it like that recently, whether for professionalism, or for some other reason. She draped one arm over her stomach as she looked outside, staring into some far off space.
She sighed, breaking the tense silence in the room.
"I know you're there, Nikola. Will you please speak instead of staring at me?" she huffed, crossing her arms, not making eye contact.
Nikola tried to defend himself but found the words caught in his throat.
He had been expecting many things, but not this, not this shortness.
"Helen, I…it's not a good time, I'll come back later," he tried to escape but she huffed, angrily this time.
"Bloody hell, Nikola, you're here now, talk dammit!" she snapped, turning to him, finally.
His blood ran cold, well, colder than usual.
"It's really nothing, Helen," he gulped, not making eye contact with her this time.
"Nikola," she warned.
He let out a ragged sigh and steeled himself again.
"Helen, I…" he looked at her. Why couldn't he say it? It was there, the words were there, what was stopping him. I love you, Helen, that is all I've come to say is that I love you and I never want to be without you. I left because I loved you, I came back because I loved you, and I'm staying because I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. "I…I've finished the device, it should keep any nasty surprises at bay, at least, for awhile."
Coward…he berated himself.
"Is that all?" she asked, her tone icy.
"Y-yes," Nikola groaned internally. No! No! No! She has to know how I feel; I have to tell her!
"Then leave, please, I don't want your company right now," she turned back to the window.
Nikola made a quick escape to the door but stopped suddenly.
She said she didn't want his company…was she mad at him?
He turned back to her.
"Helen?" he asked, his fear melting into concern.
"What?" she barked, but her heard the emotion behind it.
"What's wrong? What's got you like this?" he walked up to her cautiously.
"It is none of your concern," she growled.
"Helen, I am your friend, please tell me, maybe I can help," he offered gently.
"You can't help?" she sighed heavily.
"How do you know that?" he asked light-heartedly.
"Because you're the problem," she turned to him, the two of them coming face to face; eye to eye.
"What do you mean?" he felt his heart sink a little.
"Don't pretend that you don't know," she accused.
A part of him froze. She remembered, she remembered coming into his room at the Inn, she remembers how he almost let his passions get the best of him. She'd heard his confession and either was angry for him not going through with it because she felt the same way, or for letting it get as far as it had, and was appalled with him and his lust.
"W-what?" he managed to say.
"That night…" she shook her head. His heart sank a little further.
"That night?" he was going to play dumb and hope she made things clearer for her.
"In New York, in my hotel room…when we kissed," she whispered the last part and he felt relief at knowing that his secret was still kept.
"It was, it was just a kiss, you know that, emotions were running high, you were having second thoughts, I was…I was overwhelmed with my own situation. We agreed that nothing happened," Nikola was lying through his teeth, lying because he had almost confessed some feelings to her that night.
"You and I both know it was more than just a kiss," she crossed her arms defensively.
"Alright, so it almost got out of hand, but we stopped when we both realized that we were clinging on to something that wasn't there anymore. It was those early years, before the Five. We were once very close friends, with marriage and personal failure on our plates it's understandable to want to hold on to a time when everything was simpler."
"What we almost did was not simple, far from it, and John paid the price for it," she accused.
Nikola felt his heart sink even lower.
"John was driven mad by his power and a lie he fed to himself, if it had never happened it would've only been a matter of time for something else to set off that psychotic rage," Nikola felt the sting of the hit before he even realized that Helen had slapped him.
"Don't say that! Don't bloody say that ever again!" she cried.
"Helen, it was just a kiss, a moment of weakness! You left knowing you were going to marry John and be happy, I met George Westinghouse and built up my company from the ground. Nothing happened, it almost happened, but it didn't, and it meant nothing! John refused to believe that because whatever his power was doing to his mind it degraded that area in the brain that deals with rational thought, just ask James!" Nikola pleaded, trying to cover up the fact that what almost happened, almost happened because she was the girl of his dreams, and the girl of his dreams had kissed him. "That's all. I can't believe you are accusing me for playing some sort of dubious role in this!"
"And why shouldn't I? You were very much a part of this. If you could've just controlled that…creature inside you maybe everything would've been fine!" she away from the window trying to leave but he stopped her.
"Need I remind you that it was you who kissed me?" he said, mentally cursing himself.
"Yes, and I accept my part in this, now it's your turn!" she sighed, her blue eyes booring into his soul."We got too close, Nikola, way too close, and we destroyed John because of it."
"What happened was because of John, not because of us, Helen," Nikola clarified again.
"We drove him crazy because he saw us kissing, Nikola, because we almost let our desperation take ahold of us. Do you understand that Nikola? Women died because of a mistake, a mistake we made."
"They died because John was a fool! Because he couldn't see what was laid out so clearly for him. You left that night loving him more, more confident in the dreams he could grant for you and he threw it away out of petty jealousy! Unfounded, petty jealousy!" Nikola couldn't contain his anger. After all John had done she was still defending him.
"It's still our fault, Nikola, this is all your fault!" she cried, her eyes brimming with tears.
"What? You're blaming me?" Nikola felt his heart sink the rest of the way down.
"You can't control that darn thing inside you, you can't control yourself, and you drag other people down along with you!" she continued, each word eating him like an electric bolt.
"He tried to kill me!" Nikola cried.
"He wouldn't have killed anybody if you could've just thought about someone else other than yourself for a change!" Helen was shouting now.
"What do you want me to do? Go back in time and stop myself from becoming a vampire?" Nikola matched her pitch.
"No, that's not what I meant," Helen rolled her eyes.
"How's about I just stop myself from coming to England all together and then your perfect life can go on without me!" Nikola felt his own emotion get the best of him.
"Nikola, I…" she tried to calm him down, her own tears threatening to burst forth.
"I'll just go rewind the years and tell my younger self, no Nikki boy, Helen's life is soo much more important, so instead of fulfilling your dreams of becoming an inventor, your going to become a priest, because god forbid, Helen Magnus's dreams get shattered!"
"Just stop!" she cried, a hand hitting his chest in desperation for him to stop.
"Well, what do you want from me, Helen!" Nikola sighed, fighting to hold back his own tears.
"I…I…I think you should go back to New York…and I think you should stay there…for awhile," she said honestly and it was the final blow to his already beaten heart. She didn't want him, either as her lover, or in her life in general. She wanted him gone, and he deflated.
"Y-you want me to leave?" he looked at her, feeling something inside him tear.
"Yes," she nodded sadly. That was it, the words so clear in her eyes. "I wish it was you instead of John." A new kind of anger bubbled inside him, but not for John, not even for her; it was for himself, for ever believing that she could love him after he had turned into a monster.
"I see…well, if the beast inside of me is so horrible, I guess getting as far away from you as I can is probably best," he stepped away from her, containing his barely manageable emotions. Keeping them from her.
"Nikola, wait…don't be like that…" she tried to stop him but he pushed past her to the door.
"No, no, Helen, even I, as beastly as I am, can tell when I'm not wanted, don't worry, I'll be gone by tomorrow, you won't ever have to see me again," it was the only thing he could say aside from getting on his knees and begging her to love him as he loved her.
He opened the door to her study and took a step out.
"Nikola…wait," she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Usually he would've accepted the touch gratefully, but in this moment it only served to remind him of her unspoken words. "I wish it was you who killed all those women instead of John. I wish you were the Ripper, then I would have my happy ending with the man I really wanted." He took the hand off his shoulder and gently gave it back to her.
"Goodbye Helen," he said bitterly before walking, not even bothering with his coat and hat, he just walked, right out the front doors, never turning behind him to see if she was watching, never wondering if she would come running into his arms. Nothing. He just walked, and kept walking, never hailing a cab, or stopping to greet anyone. He just kept walking until he reached his room on the third floor of the small Inn, in the corner of London, out-looking the Thames.
It was here he let himself breakdown. Using his inhuman claws to shred the bedding and snarl fiercely into the silent evening.
The next morning he was gone; an apology to the Innkeeper for destroying her linens, a bank note with enough money to replace them sitting on the desk, and a shattered picture frame lying underneath the bed.
Helen received a message that afternoon from the Innkeeper to come and collect the remnants of Tesla's stuff.
She was devastated at the damage he had done to the room, and even more so by the broken frame the Innkeeper tossed into her hands.
The picture was a painful reminder that she and Nikola had once been the best of friends, and she had told him to leave because he had destroyed her perfect love story, through no fault of his own.
In the resulting weeks, months, years afterward, she heard nothing from him, despite all the messages she sent him. He refused to reply.
Suddenly two years had passed and she hadn't stopped staring at the photo, now reframed and sitting on her desk.
Two long and painful years, filled with occupying herself with patients and tests and abnormals. She helped James with his job at Scotland Yard, assisted Nigel in his experiments, even assisted her father on the few occasions he was actually at home.
Two years, years that would have been much better if he had been there, if she hadn't thrown him out.
She found out she was pregnant, chose to freeze the embryo instead of raise the child on her own, decisions that would've been easier had he been there with her. Though James was trying to be helpful, it was just not the same; he was always too professional about these kinds of things. Nikola knew her, knew what to say to make any burden feel lightened. Now he was the burden.
Helen slammed her hands down on the desk. That was it, she was going to New York, just like she had before, she was going to track him down and apologize and welcome him back to her life. She couldn't go on like this.
She needed Nikola back.
~~~~New York, October 1890~~~~
Nikola watched the performance, his head cocked to the side. He was sitting in the box, third to the stage. His eyes were fixed on the gorgeous redhead, front and center. Rose.
Her green eyes met his and he smiled. If only the audience knew what sinful ideas lay behind those eyes.
It had been almost two months since he had been introduced to this woman and their relationship, for lack of a better word, had quickly grown from there.
It started with a glass of whiskey and a very interesting game of strip poker, which led to a wild romp of unbridled sex, then somehow led to him confessing to her his secret, which led to this.
This was unlike any relationship he has ever had, with anyone. By day they acted like old friends, chums, they would drink, attend parties, not touching or signs of affection, he would help her out of the cab, he would escort her in, they would socialize as two separate entities then meet up again, he would open the door for her and she would take him home. Then it changed, as soon as they door would shut closed behind them they were all over each other, lips, tongues, skin, everything. Some alcohol would be added to the mix and the night would go wild from there.
There was no emotional attachment from each of them.
Although he did enjoy her company, she was intelligent and passionate, and a beautiful singer. She had theories on life and love and sex that he had never even considered, and she never expected him to court her.
It was…wonderful, on some strange level, some kind of balance between courting a woman and soliciting a prostitute. It was a physical friendship.
The curtain went down and he clapped, standing up to show his appreciation for the wonderful performance, then gathering his playbill and gloves and exiting the box to meet her at her dressing room, and bouquet of roses. He wouldn't normally bring her gifts, but it was opening night, and it was a gesture of friendship.
He knocked at the dressing room door, recognizing her stage name on the front.
A few seconds later she appeared; a smile on her face.
"Oh, Nikki, you shouldn't have," she took the flowers, inviting him in.
"It's opening night. The star of the stage must be partial to at least a little flattery," he grinned and sat down on a chair as she continued to change. Not the least bit awkward to be nude in front of him.
"Did you enjoy it?" she asked.
"You were marvelous, everyone paled in comparison," he grinned.
"Flattery will get you no where," she jokingly fixed a pointed gaze in his direction.
"Is telling the truth a form of flattery? I am honestly saying, you were the star, Rose, you had my attention the entire time."
She moved over to him and leaned down next to his ear.
"Really Nikki? The entire time?" she slid a manicured hand down to his crotch, teasing him slightly.
"Mostly," he held her gaze, smirking cockily.
"I thought so," she removed her hand and returned to the wide mirror.
"I made dinner arrangements," he changed the subject.
"Fancy?" she asked inquisitively.
"Well, a renowned actress like you can't be seen eating just anywhere," he shrugged simply.
"Why, Mr. Tesla? Are you trying to court me?" she teased.
Nikola laughed and stood up, moving up behind her, his hand deftly caressing her exposed thighs.
"You know very well my intentions with you," he whispered in her ear, enjoying her resounding shudder.
"Doesn't dinner seem a long haul to go through for…that," she smirked.
"I thought I might treat you first, a congratulations on the opening night success, it's a grand and special occasion, why not celebrate it with good food, good company, fine wine, and some fun afterwards."
"You really do know how to charm a girl, Mr. Tesla," she reached a hand back and caressed him through his trousers.
"Besides, for what I have planned you are going to need all the sustenance you can get," he added, a devious smile across his face.
"Then I can't very well say no, now can I?" she grinned back. "Now out of my dressing room, if you have all these surprises for me, I need to have a few of my own. Meet you in the lobby."
Nikola nodded, and pressed a quick kiss to her shoulder.
"I'll be waiting," he grinned as he went to the door.
~~~~Later~~~~
Nikola's back slammed against the back of his door. They had chosen his apartment tonight for their tryst and the moment he had locked the door behind them, she was on him, tongues fighting a duel and hands scrambling at buttons and ties and laces to free the skin from its confines.
She, so far, was winning that race. His shirt tails were pulled out and unbuttoned, his undershirt pushed up, exposing his flat stomach to her teasing nails. His hair stood on end and she gyrated her expert hips against him roughly.
Their evenings together started mostly like this, unless she came up with some way to slowly torture him throughout the entire evening.
Nikola was on fire, even more so as the pulled the cork out of a bottle of whiskey and sloppily poured it down his throat; always whiskey with her, never anything else.
Pushed against her and shoved her towards the bed, using a small amount of his vampiric strength. She bounced on the bed as she landed, and he followed suit, his hands sliding under the hem of her skirts, and slowly up her thigh.
"You're mine tonight," he smirked triumphantly.
~~~~Elsewhere~~~~
The cab stopped outside the building and she stepped out, handing a few coins to the driver and patting the horse affectionately before heading to the outer door.
She knocked but there was no answer.
She pulled out a gun from her coat, remembering the last time she had come to visit him in New York and he had ended up strapped to an electric chair.
The door was unlocked so she headed up the stairs, carefully and cautiously, not making a sound.
~~~~Meanwhile~~~~
Nikola smirked into Rose's skin, wishing he could tell her of his vampirism and bite her. Talk about setting her on fire, if it was anything like he'd experienced she'd have him biting her all over.
For now, he'd have to settle for nuzzling and suckling the sweet skin.
She giggled, and shoved her hands through his hair, before taking another swig from the bottle.
~~~~Meanwhile~~~~
She reached the top of the stairs and heard noises coming from the inside, the sounded like muffled groans and a panic rose in her chest. She knocked on the door, gun poised.
~~~~On the other side~~~~
Nikola lifted his head at the knock at the door.
He groaned, not really appreciating the interrupting.
"One moment," he whispered to Rose. "Just stay…exactly how you are…don't! Don't move a muscle, you minx."
Rose winked at him, remaining still, as he had instructed.
He smirked, grabbing the whiskey bottle and taking a generous swig from its contents before opening the door.
"Yes, what can I…" he froze. There she was, as beautiful as he remembered. Blonde hair was let down in tasteful rivulets, blue eyes sparkling. What was she doing here? "H-Helen…"
Helen was slightly disconcerted at his current state. His hair was messy and disheveled, his clothes undone and stained, and a bottle of whiskey…whiskey! No less!
"Nikola, are you alright?" she asked, concern leaking into her features.
Nikola went into panic mode, noticing he was holding a bottle of whiskey, then noticing his appearance and then remembering that he had a half-naked woman lying in his bed. He shoved the whiskey inside, and quickly ran his hand through hair to semi-fix it.
He pushed himself outside into the stairwell, being careful with the door as to cover up the fact that he was with another woman.
"What are you – What are you doing here?" asked Nikola.
"I came to see you," Helen said honestly.
"Now is not a good time, could we set up something for tomorrow? Coffee?" he offered; he really didn't want Helen here right now.
"Nikola, what is going on? What are you hiding?" she saw right through him.
"Nothing, it's just the place is a mess, I'm a mess, it's all…really messy," he said lamely.
Helen didn't buy it.
"Nikola, move away from the door," she ordered.
"It's nothing, Helen, just a little thing I have to fix and then it'll all be good," he guarded the door with his life. "Just drop it, Helen."
"What has gotten into you? I haven't heard one word from you in 2 years and I come to see you and you are drinking whiskey, you look like you practically bathed in it, and your hair…you're acting so strangely, and I want to know why?"
"Why do you care? It was you who asked me to leave, so I left. What gives you the right to throw me out then come back and force your way into my private business, like nothing has happened," he growled lowly.
"I am your friend, Nikola, and this is not you."
"Yah, well, people change," he sighed.
"Not like this," she looked at him with genuine concern.
"Please, talk to me tomorrow, I'll explain it all to you tomorrow, just not now!" he pleaded.
"Why not?" she growled. Shoving him to the side long enough for her to grip the door handle and force her way in.
She froze instantly and Nikola sighed, looking away.
Helen and Rose's eyes met immediately.
Helen felt instantly embarrassed seeing the woman's exposed state on Nikola's bed.
"Oh," she said, looking down at her hands. "I guess I was wrong, Nikola. Something hasn't gotten into you…seems like you have rather gotten into something."
Nikola wiped a hand across his face.
Why did God hate him so much?
Helen turned and walked out of the room quickly, her face flushed.
"I'm sorry, I'll leave you two alone."
Nikola groaned and followed her.
"Helen!" he chased her down the stairs and to the street. "I tried to tell you, Helen."
He touched her shoulder and she spun around and slapped him.
"How could you? After all that's happened how can you go and sleep with a prostitute!" she cried.
"Rose is not a prostitute," Nikola sighed, understanding why she would get that assumption.
"She's not?" Helen asked, not entirely convinced.
"No, she's an actress…from a wealthy background! She and I are…"
"Oh," Helen jumped to conclusions, feeling even more embarrassed.
"No, we're not…we're just friends, Helen," he sighed, finding it, once again, hard to explain exactly what he and Rose were to each other.
"Nikola, what I saw was more than just friendly association," she glared at him.
"So we aren't friends in the conventional sense, but she is not a whore and she is not my betrothed," he paused. "I shouldn't have to explain myself to you! Helen, you threw me out of your life, it doesn't matter one iota to you what I do with whoever I choose to do it with!"
"I did not throw you out of my life, I just needed…needed some space," Helen sighed.
"You asked me to leave, so I left, I gave you all the space you needed," Nikola remarked bitterly.
"I tried to stop you, but you didn't listen to me, I was upset, I'm sorry!" she cried.
"Can we talk about this later? Please, Helen," Nikola pleaded. "I have a standing reservation at this restaurant downtown, please, have lunch with me, we can discuss my sins then."
Helen sighed and nodded, willing to compromise.
"Alright," she nodded before climbing back into her cab and leaving.
Nikola ran a hand through his hair again and let out a heavy sigh.
By the time he made it back upstairs Rose was dressed and fixing her hair in the mirror.
Nikola let out another groan.
"Oh not you too," he slumped on to the edge of the bed.
"So that was Helen," she said evenly. "She's very pretty, your photo of her doesn't do her justice."
"Please, don't mock me, not now," Nikola planted his face in his hands. "Why'd she have to come on this night, of all nights?"
"Are you going to go after her?" asked Rose.
Nikola sighed and went to her, taking her hands gently.
"No, I was just…a little flustered," Nikola kissed the top of her hands. "Helen is…Helen doesn't think of me…like that…and I'm done pursuing something that isn't there."
Rose smirked and kissed his forehead lightly.
"It doesn't take a genius to see that you're still in love with her," she said honestly.
Nikola looked up at her, apologetically.
"I can help…I saw the look on her face when she came in," Rose sat down beside him.
"She thought you were a prostitute, she was appalled," Nikola rolled his eyes.
"No, that's not what I saw, I saw something much more virulent than moral scruples…jealousy, her eyes nearly blazed with it, even if unconscious. There is something inside of her that sees you as an object of desire, you can use that, Nikola."
"No, no, I won't take advantage of her, not like that…not after what she's been through," Nikola shook his head.
"Not take advantage, just play your cards right," she smiled deviously and Nikola clued into the reference.
"Cards you say," he said contemplatively.
"Now, are you meeting her tomorrow?" asked Rose.
"Yes, at noon, I asked her to join for lunch," said Nikola.
"Perfect, now here's what you got to do…"