A/N: Here it is, chapter 12! The chapter's mostly dedicated to Bechloe, and though it is bittersweet, Beca does make an important realization of sort (like the chapter 12-13 of the last fic ;3). Something DOES also happen… sort of… so…
Songs included in the chapter are 'Dreaming with a Broken Heart' by John Mayer, and two songs from the last fic, one that had particular significance (sort of) which are 'You and Me' by Lifehouse and 'So Close' by Jon McLaughlin.
BTW, to the guest who suggested 'Don't You Remember', I might actually add that (I like the lyrics and totally forgot about the song :P it would have been perfect earlier too) but I'm not sure where just yet (I might have someone sing it too, maybe Chloe, maybe not). Keep an eye out for it is all I say ;)
Like I said, I'll be taking some time off before the next update. Thanks for the support so far and for following this story up to this point! :)
I don't own pitch perfect.
Beca took a deep breath. She's been taking a lot of deep breaths lately. But that was mostly because she was nervous. She's been for the last week or so. Emily's late night calls had been exponentially increasing as Nationals came closer and closer.
"You're totally going to be amazed by us Beca! I promise you that!" Emily said excitedly the night before and Beca could only agree to keep the younger Bellas happy.
The Nationals were, after all, already happening over the weekend.
It was Thursday and Beca was playing hookie in the middle of the day. It was just a little after noon. Their usual bar was technically closed – they usually open a little past three – but since she's already befriended the owner what with her and Stacie being faithful patrons and all, and Beca being a now famous musical producer, she was allowed in without a problem.
Only two guys were there. Gus, said owner of the bar, and his faithful bartending partner in crime, Mikey.
"A little too much on the fairy tale side of things there Mikey." Beca commented as she sipped on her glass of water, listening to the song playing in the bar.
Oh how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
"You can't really blame us. No customers and all." Mikey responded, wiping down the counter while Gus disappeared to the back of the bar to do the inventory.
"Well, where else would I meet my friends?" Beca then commented as she checked for the umpteenth time. Stacie had made plans with her earlier that week to meet up with Amy at precisely around lunch and hang out for the rest of the day while the Bellas started to arrive to support Emily. Stacie thought it was a brilliant idea, what with her research adviser gone for a few weeks and Beca pretty much taking day offs whenever she pleased.
But now, radio silence.
No message from Stacie nor Amy to indicate why they were running a little late.
We're so close to reaching
that famous happy end,
The bell by the entrance rang and Beca looked up, sure that only Stacie or Amy would dare enter the pub when the sign says it was closed on the outside. They were the only ones who should've known that the door wouldn't be locked.
And almost believing,
this one's not pretend.
However, it wasn't a tall brunette nor a blonde Australian who walked into the pub.
Let's go on dreaming
for we know we are...
It was an unsuspecting redhead.
so close, so close
and still so far...
"The bar's closed, love." Gus said, making his way out of the back room.
Beca heard it loud and clear, she was pretty sure Chloe did too, but it really didn't have any effect on the both of them. Beca's breath hitched as their eyes met in the instant, Chloe's ocean blue eyes uncertain of where she was, and Beca's stormy blue ones, expecting to see her supposed best friends walking in.
Their eyes met, and after a very long time of hoping to see those eyes again, Beca finally did. That was all it took to have her brain shut down, have her heart racing and be left out of breath.
"Said we're closed." Gus repeated in a louder tone that was enough to snap Beca back to reality.
"No it's fine." Beca then said, tearing her eyes off of Chloe's and turning to face Gus. Somehow she couldn't help but think that Stacie and Amy had a hand in this.
"I assume you know each other then?" Gus asked.
"Yes." they chorused, both sound like they were having a hard tome to keeping their emotions under conrtrol, to keep their voice from cracking. Gus shrugged and waved at Mikey, "Serve them whatever they like. You know the drill." he then said before going back to work.
Beca tentatively stared at her glass, her ears tuned to the sound of Chloe's footsteps as she made her to the bar. She could sense her hesitance from the wobbling sound of the stool she had gripped, like it was shaking a bit, before finally being pulled to allow enough room for her to seat down. Beca dared to take a peak, and there she was as beautiful as ever, trying to look away and keep her focus on her phone. breaking and piecing her heart together at the same time.
"You want anything Red?" Mikey asked and Chloe declined, her hand shaking a little as she returned her attention on her phone and presumably dialed a number. Beca could sense the irregularity of her breathing from the rise and fall of her chest, and upon realizing she was staring quickly returned her attention to the dews sliding down the glass of her ice cold drink.
After a few minutes of unbearable silence, Beca finally looked up, Chloe was on her phone, face all scrunched up. "I don't think they're going to answer. I've been trying to get a hold of them too." Beca finally said, breaking the ice so to speak, and Chloe sighed hanging up. She closed her eyes and bit her lips before turning to Beca and smiled nervously.
"So I'm guessing they left us to our own means?" Chloe asked and Beca could swear that the butterflies came fluttering about in her stomach as soon as she heard her speak.
Oh God did she miss Chloe's voice.
Beca chuckled and shook her head. She was really going to have to find a way to torture Amy and Stacie for this while thanking them at the same time. Really weird train of thought there Mitchell, she thought to herself before clearing her throat to speak. "So, uh, how have you been?" she asked Chloe tentatively. She was nervous. She didn't know how Chloe would reactor what the right thing to say was after all this time. This was the first time they've seen each other again and Beca was painfully aware that she could barely control her breathing even after minutes had passed to allow herself to recompose herself.
There were so many questions she wanted to ask, mostly about how Chloe was. She wanted to give her a clean break so she didn't reach out, she resisted all the urges. She wanted to give her the space to breathe and heal. She didn't want to give her any painful reminders.
More than anything she was fighting the urge to blurt out all the words she's been keeping to herself.
I'm sorry was the leading one of them.
Chloe tipped her head to one side and shrugged. "I'm okay I guess." she simply replied. "I hear your shaking up the music industry."
And Beca tried to read in between the lines, try to figure out how Chloe was doing, how much damage did she really cause her? But she couldn't figure it out, Chloe keeping it all under wraps. She was hiding it all behind her smile and Beca was a little torn on whether or not she was truly happy now or if she was just faking it.
She didn't want her wishful thinking mix and meddle with what actually was there.
She wanted to ask Chloe if she missed her too, because she definitely did. But Beca knew it would be unfair.
She wanted to see some sign, anything really, to let her know if she still mattered to Chloe or if it was all forgotten. But Beca knew that would be selfish.
It was Beca's turn to shrug when she gave her reply. "It's all in a day's work. Try to keep myself busy a lot."
Chloe nodded slowly. "So… since our friends have completely ditched us… I suppose you're going back to work?" she asked uncertainly.
"No, I have my capable assistant taking care of things while I'm away." Beca said with a light chuckle. "Um… well… if… I, well…" Beca stammered as she tried to find the right words to say. "How about we just go around the city ourselves?" Beca asked, staring intently at her now somewhat interesting glass of water knowing full well that if she looked at Chloe now, she'd lose the strength to ask her.
She really wanted to catch up with her. Know how she's doing.
Technically, yes, they were exes.
Technically, they shouldn't.
But everywhere for the past year or so, in her most private moments, in her quietest of times, it was Chloe who filled her sight, her vision, her mind…
…her heart.
And she wanted to know…
…know why and how she never could let her go.
"I don't think that's the wisest idea Beca." Chloe said, looking away the moment that Beca finally looked up.
"Screw wise." Beca then said in her usual Beca Mitchell badass DJ extraordinaire tone.
Mikey chuckled, clearly eavesdropping. "I like that." Mikey then said, pointing at Beca before giving a thumbs up. "When in doubt, screw what's wise. Do as you please."
"Uh, not always." Beca then said towards Mikey, taking a tentative sip of water from her glass. "But… well… I mean, it's okay if you say no."
Chloe looked away for a second and checked her phone for what Beca could only assume to be her last attempt at wishing for a sign for anything really. An acknowledgement that Stacie, or Amy, or Aubrey would be there any second for example?
Beca understood why Chloe might say no. She was anticipating it.
But then Chloe turned her phone off and placed it in her pocket. She looked thoughtful for a minute or two before turning to Beca, "I suppose you know the city better than anyone else at this point, so why not?"
Beca smiled, relieved. "Great."
They spent the day walking around the city, a foot away from each other at all times. Like there was this barrier separating them from each other the whole time. Beca could simply be imagining it, but then again she'd understand if Chloe had tried building up walls around her, to separate her from Beca at least. She hurt her, she knew. She hurt herself too, and yet Beca understood that whatever she had to feel and go through was nowhere near what Chloe had felt.
They passed time talking about the minor things, a good thirty minutes was spent talking about the weather in New York compared to the weather in LA. Thankfully the conversations moved along to some of the work Beca has done with Chloe complimenting her about the singles she's heard that Beca produced. Chloe talked about her work a little too, and her students.
But nothing deep enough, nothing that Beca thought would let her get through Chloe's defenses.
And it was killing her.
"Do you wanna see the studio?" Beca then offered out of the blue while strolling through 5th avenue.
"Studio? You're studio? Where you work and all?" Chloe asked a little surprised.
"Yeah, come on, it would be fun. I already showed it to Stacie and Amy." she then said, grabbing Chloe by the hand for a mad dash to a building not that far off from where they were.
Okay, so maybe technically it was still a few blocks away. But she did get Chloe to smile again, and she got to hold Chloe's hand. They paused to catch their breaths just outside the building where Chloe couldn't help but lean on the wall and laugh out loud.
Her laughter had always been so magical. It was music to Beca's ears.
It was also very infectious.
"You're insane." Chloe said still trying to steady her breathing and Beca smiled.
"Come on, we have to sneak in real quick. My boss has been meaning to talk to me about a new project and I'm really not feeling up to doing anything today." Beca said as they made a stealthy entrance, timing their movement through the lobby as she tried to avoid the people who might want to talk to her for a while, and onto the elevator. She gave Chloe the tour of her floor, and her office. Kaelyn was on her coffee run so it was the perfect time to do it, the said capable assistant wouldn't be able to corner her for some painful paperwork she needs to get done. They then proceeded to go to the studio, Beca letting Chloe play around with some of the equipment knowing full well that Chloe's gentle touch would keep the thousands of dollars equipment safe.
They talked more, sharing stories about Stacie and Amy's visit in her workplace with Luke, about how Luke met – and apparently fell for – her assistant.
Chloe found the tale about Amy and 'soaking Justin Timberlake's' essence a little too hilarious.
Beca then offered her to listen a few of the mixes on her work laptop she's been working on for when she spins during the weekends. Chloe hesitantly accepted Beca's precious headphones before giving them try and smiling that warm and bright smile that Beca had missed and craved for.
Chloe looked at her with pride and Beca was sure her heart had swelled ten times over. The ache, the emptiness gone, now being filled by light and warmth. "I'm glad you found your sound again Beca." Chloe said as she gingerly took off Beca's headphones, handing it back to her.
"What do you think?" Beca asked, almost breathlessly, nervous.
"Perfect. They're perfect as always." Chloe complimented and Beca smiled, releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding.
The weariness was lifting. The tension in the air was disappearing.
"Come on. I'm hungry and I know just the perfect place." Beca said with a knowing smirk. She grabbed Chloe's hand yet again, and somehow Beca could tell the atmosphere between them had changed. The walls she noticed earlier were gone.
They went to Serendipity 3, Beca tired down by all their running and sneaking around that she called her driver to drop them off there. Chloe gave a chuckle at her choice of place but of course any reference it had was completely missed on Beca. They ended up sharing their famous frozen hot chocolate before Beca took her through Bryant Park, Chloe talking about the last time she was there. It was with Beca, that Christmas they spent with her mom and step-dad and Luke's distant relatives.
Beca found it strange, how easy it was to talk about the past now and reminisce. No, she had no clue what Chloe was talking about but she was lost in the fondness in Chloe's eyes that made her believe it was truly a magical memory.
Chloe had avoided alluding to anything regarding their relationship. She was careful with her words, Beca noticed, but nevertheless she didn't tense up. She was actually quite relaxed.
They walked around the city some more, finding themselves at Central Park then at the café where Beca discovered their label's new talent. The conversations flowed smoothly, and they talked about everything they possibly could. They had dinner at a nearby restaurant before scouring through the best record store that Beca knew in the city, and of course she also just happened to know the owner being one of their now famous patrons.
They shared a few laughs, they shared light moments that Beca wasn't sure they could've shared before, at a time when the shadow of her past was heavily looming over her.
"We should definitely visit St. John's Cathedral. Or you know, just you if you don't want my company. It's getting late now, but you should definitely visit the place before you leave."
"Why, what makes it so special?" Chloe asked out of curiosity as they made their way once more through 5th avenue.
"Well, for one, there's a statue outside of a dog with a camera hanging on his neck." Beca said and Chloe laughed.
Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
And everything she does is right
Beca stopped for a moment to drop her card in the case of the guy singing at the end of one street. Technically he shouldn't be there, but Beca was thankful considering she's spotted him there for a few weeks already and he's got a really good voice. Another possible discovery.
Chloe looked at her curiously and Beca shrugged.
"So where are you staying?" Beca finally asked.
"Aubrey and Stacie's." Chloe responded.
"Mind if I walk with you there? I, for one, can't wait to give Stacie an earful." Beca commented and Chloe let out a chuckle.
"Really? I was going to do the same with Bree." The redhead commented and Beca smirked.
"Great minds think alike I suppose." Beca then said and nothing but silence followed them after that.
They continued their walk for a few hours, never tiring of each other's company. Beca picked up the conversation yet again after passing a flower shop asking her if she knew anything about flowers.
"Like their meaning and stuff? Not much really, do you?"
"A little." Beca admitted. "My assistant is obsessed with it and Luke's been looking into it so I guess I got caught up with them." she said before stopping at the end of the street. They've reached as fa they could walk together, Aubrey and Stacie's apartment building just right across. "I think we've reached the end of the line." Beca said solemnly, Chloe looking up to realize what Beca meant.
"Do you want to come in?" Chloe asked. "I don't think Bree or Stacie would mind."
"No, thanks though. I have an early day tomorrow so I should probably head back."
"Right." Chloe said in a whisper, looking down for a moment before looking up to meet Beca's eyes once more. "Walk me to the entrance?"
"Of course." was Beca's immediate reply.
"So I'm guessing we'll see you at Nationals, cheer the Bellas on?"
"I don't think Ems would let me hear the end of it if I don't show up." Beca replied, stopping yet again upon reaching the entrance to the building. She was fidgeting a little, she couldn't help it. She didn't want to say goodbye to Chloe but she knew she had to. "I've missed you." she ended up saying again.
There was a look of surprise on Chloe's face for a minute or two and Beca was scared she crossed a boundary that wasn't supposed to be crossed. That she said something wrong. That she might've opened old scars. She ran a hand through her hair, looking away to try to find the right words to fix it. "Look, sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I- "
"I've missed you too." was Chloe's whispered response, placing a hand on Beca's shoulders to reassure her it was okay.
Beca looked up, their eyes meet yet again and she knows, she sees it clearly. Everything she's been looking for, everything that's been missing, it was all right there in Chloe's eyes.
And Beca. She couldn't help it.
She was transfixed by the look in Chloe's eyes.
By the yearning of her heart.
Her eyes flickered between Chloe's own and Chloe's lips, and she wondered if she would ever remember how soft or warm they were. She wanted to know. She wanted to find out
So she slowly leaned in, achingly slow to close the distance between them before something stirred inside of her, snapping her sense to reality.
She had no right to know anymore.
She had chosen to let Chloe go.
So she eased away gently, leaving a confused look on Chloe before she said her goodbyes and turned away.
Her heart equally disappointed. It knew that she was, if only for a very brief second, close to home... yet she still chose to turn around and walk away.
Chloe found herself making her way back to the apartment dazed and confused, her fingers on her lips. She could still feel Beca's breath lingering dangerously close.
All her heart could scream was why the brunette didn't just kiss her. Her mind was too busy calling out her heart.
Her heart that was dancing and fluttering about with all the feelings she shouldn't be feeling for Beca, at least not anymore.
"Hey Chlo, so sorry I had to cancel." Aubrey started talking, Stacie was in the kitchen clearing up the dishes. "Stacie said she needed my help with something and then, well…"
"It was all okay when Aubrey arrived at where Amy and I were hanging out and we tried calling you but you weren't picking up your phone…" Stacie jumped in before looking up at her. "And are you okay Chlo?"
"Hmm? Oh, I'm okay." Chloe replied. "Still mad at the two of you. Especially since you both said to meet at a particularly specified pub near lunch time that was apparently closed."
"If it was closed, what did you do the rest of the day that you ended up getting home this late?" Aubrey asked, feigning innocence.
But Chloe kept her mouth shut. She could let them wonder all night and tell them in the morning what happened next as punishment. She, instead, headed inside their guest room and crawled on to bed. Her thoughts never leaving Beca for once.
She knew there was the possibility of running into her during her trip but not the way she did. She didn't expect to see Beca on her first day back, having only gotten in the night before. She didn't expect to spend the whole day with her, forgetting the pain of their break-up, and simply easing into the usual flow of their conversations.
She was expecting it to be harder, and at the start of it, it sure felt like that.
But Beca was being Beca. The way Chloe remembered Beca to be. The way Beca was before her accident.
The time they spent apart, it certainly did her good. And to know that she's missed Chloe, it made her heart ache and yearn for her again. It most certainly did. But at the same time she found some peace.
What are you doing Beale? her thoughts chastised her.
She spent the good amount of about a year trying to get over Beca.
And yet it was so easy to fall back to their usual rhythm of things. She missed her, badly. And when Beca leaned in, when she almost kissed her…
"What was that about in the first place?" Chloe asked herself in a whisper, her eyes closed trying to imagine Beca being only inches away from her.
It was over between them. She was with someone new, for crying out loud.
But was it? Was it really?
Chloe didn't want to answer that question.
And she didn't dare ask the most pertinent one of all.
That is, if she still loved Beca.
She was completely terrified in knowing what the answer was.
But she did know one thing, the truth of how much she missed her.
And maybe that was the problem.
On days when she barely had the chance to think about Beca, the presence of her absence in Chloe's life had gone by unnoticed. But on days that she did, it was heavily felt. Chloe closed her eyes and tried to breathe slowly, calm herself down, and placed all thoughts about her feelings for Beca in one small box in her mind, hiding it deep within the labyrinth of her thoughts. It helped her focus on what mattered at the moment. Seeing Beca again, her heart felt so much relief instead of the ache that had persisted through. And so, maybe their hearts both broke then, but they healed and they grew. Chloe for sure woke up and little and realized how much of her life then had simply revolved around Beca instead of her. They were both chasing their dreams, engaging in projects that they care about. Beca was the hottest thing in the music industry right now, she was finding her groove, her sound. And Chloe? She was lighting up her own stage, a good influence and inspiration to her students. A one of a kind teacher that goes above and beyond for her kids. Beca was making records hit after hit, Chloe was starting programs to helped troubled youth with music programs. Beca was discovering new talent, giving people without any opportunities the shot they deserve, Chloe was helping people realize their dreams and guide them.
In a span of a year, they found a way to be who they were supposed to be. They learned how to fly again, to let their stars shine like they used to when they were together, before life kicked into high gear and completely uprooted them from their ground.
But Chloe was slowly realizing that it didn't feel right without the other, that she needed Beca in her life. Even if they weren't together.
They were friends before, granted Chloe had to bury her feelings deep inside her then, but who's to say they can't be friends again now?
So much has happened, but all Chloe knew for sure was that seeing Beca again, it made her somewhat happy.
Beca woke up the next day with thoughts of Chloe swirling around her head.
She almost kissed her.
She almost kissed Chloe.
But why? She didn't want to answer it. She didn't want to admit it.
However, she most certainly didn't waste the rest of the morning lounging around her loft. Instead she got up. Got dressed. Got out.
And she was off, heading straight to Aubrey and Stacie's apartment.
She needed answers. She knew she needed to confront them straight on.
The hole in her heart was gone. It was fixed in a day.
The remaining traces of sadness, gone too.
Aubrey, Stacie, and Chloe were all heading out. From across the street she could see Chloe seemingly giving the two an earful. She was about to cross the street to join them when she stopped.
Her heart falling right from her chest.
Ripped was more the appropriate term but Beca did feel the ground she was standing on ripped from beneath her.
Leaving her falling, falling, falling straight down to an infinite abyss.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part
She was too late.
A tall, rather dashing, man swept Chloe up her feet and kissed her lightly before placing her down with a smile on her face. The redhead looked surprise but smiled nonetheless. Both Aubrey and Stacie looked shocked as well.
The next thing Beca knew she was running. As fast as she could, as far away as she can, tears streaming down her eyes.
She was too late.
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?
Beca ignored both Emily's calls and Luke's messages. They were supposed to have dinner with the past and current Bellas that night, wish them luck before their performance the next day, but Beca wasn't feeling up to it.
She wanted to wallow away in the privacy of her own room. It hurt a lot. Seeing someone else kiss Chloe. She wasn't expecting it.
And yet somehow she had a feeling that this happened before. Beca dug for her old mixes with dates that matched the days she was supposedly at Barden and saw a playlist of dozens of break-up songs and immediately she listened to it.
Did it start up anything in her head? No, it didn't
It did soothe the hurt in her heart a little
No, she's not
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
Beca eventually found herself at the Lincoln Center the next day. The performances had started but she made it to the Bellas performance, and they were most definitely putting the stage on fire. Beca saw she caught Emily's eyes and the young Bella beamed up at her direction. She applauded them, still standing by the entrance to the auditorium.
Her eyes scanned the room and eventually her sight landed on the Bellas and Luke, and the guy she would assume to be Bumper too. Sure enough, next to Chloe was him.
It was his arms wrapped around Chloe…
…not hers.
She saw Amy look up at her direction, giving Stacie a nudge who turned around to find her standing there.
But Beca's blood was boiling in a jealous fit that was taking over her. She needed to leave, get out as soon as she could.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The giving up is the hardest part
A few minutes standing outside was all that Beca needed to clear her head.
Her heart, her mind, heck even her soul. It was yearning, screaming for Chloe.
No she didn't make a mistake then, they needed the time apart. Beca kept repeating that to herself.
But was it too much to let her go completely?
Beca was starting to regret that decision, she started seeing it as a mistake.
But she knew she couldn't have Chloe wait for her forever, especially if there was a chance she never would come back.
Especially when she couldn't sort her feelings before.
And yet, she would be lying if she said that in the deepest corner of her mind there wasn't any hope. A hope that she didn't want to think about in case she let herself down.
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay, my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
But she was finding herself now, she's able to sort her feelings, at least starting to. That was the difference now.
However, she was too late. Chloe was with someone else, and she even had the audacity to try to kiss the redhead the other day!
She was happy now, she had to step aside and give way. Let Chloe be happy. That was the honorable thing to do right?
She let Chloe go and now she was gone.
No, she can't
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
But was she really?
There had to be something still there.
She saw it in Chloe's eyes, that is, if it wasn't just wishful thinking.
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?
But did she even still had the right to do it? Fight?
She had hurt Chloe then. Did she deserve to even try to fight her now?
What would be her motivations if she did?
Beca started to walk away, she needed time to think. Time away from the noises of the city and the people who knew her.
She wanted to arrive at an answer, but a part of her already knew what that answer was.
All she needed to do was accept it to herself.
No, you won't
'Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
The word was there, it had always been there in her heart.
Beca knew this. She was lying on her bed in the middle of the day, staring at her ceiling looking for a sign, an answer.
But the answer was there, threatening to slip away.
Threatening to escape.
She was too late now, but would she simply let it be?
Would she simply let the other guy win?
Or would she fight to get back what she lost?
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part.
She was too late now, and she had to face the music.
She wasn't allowed to run and hide.
She can only either decide to whether accept it or not.
But just what to do, Beca wasn't sure.
All she knew is her heart kept telling her one simple truth.
She was in love with Chloe Beale, always had been, memory or no memory.