Author's note: I was amazed to see all of the positive response to the last chapter! You guys made my day! Chapter 6 features some slash, so stick around for the one coming up after this! I promise there is slash... I just had to build up to it. What can I say, my writing reflects my pathetic dating life.. ;) But stick around and I promise some Cas/Dean love. Want to hear something odd? I did not ship them at first... until I saw Cas beating up Dean and then I got it. Weird...
The next morning, Dean woke up, surprisingly refreshed. He should have the hangover of death, but somehow, he avoided it. He rolled over and saw Cas next to him, still passed out, and the strange events from the night before came rushing back. Cas, realizing he couldn't heal anymore. His own drunken breakdown. Cas sleeping in the same bed as him. Cas sleeping. Cas spooning him until he fell asleep and Sam's screams faded away from his mind.
It was odd to admit, but he didn't feel any residual discomfort from everything that had happened between him and Cas the night before. He wasn't just talking about sharing a bed or holding he each other. He was thinking about how the two of them had utterly broken down in front of each other, fallen to pieces, and then picked each other back up. Hadn't it always been like that with them, though? At least it had been like that for Dean. Cas had always been there for him, in the most literal sense. He had given up everything for Dean. Now he was alone. Like seriously, all alone. His brothers, his sisters, hell, even GOD had abandoned Cas. And Dean was alone too. Except… he wasn't alone. He was mourning and he had lost Sammy and Bobby, but somehow, he still had Castiel, who was the last "person" that Dean expected to have by his side in the end.
Dean observed the angel, who appeared to be deep in sleep. His face was relaxed and he was breathing slightly, even though Dean wasn't sure he needed to breathe. Cas looked content, like he wasn't living through the nightmare of falling from Heaven and becoming human. Cas looked so content that Dean himself felt content and settled back into the uncomfortable bed. The rustling springs seemed to stir Castiel out of the first night's sleep he had ever experienced willingly.
"What time is it?" He muttered to Dean, his eyes still closed. "I never thought time mattered, but now I want to make sure I don't sleep my mortal life away."
Dean rolled his eyes. "Cas, you're not mortal. And it's only 7am."
"Good. Good. That's early for you, I suppose. And for me now." He growled.
Dean snorted. Cas rolled over on his side and reached over to Dean and pulled him close, which was easy considering he was significantly stronger than Dean was.
"DUDE." He cried.
"Shut up." Cas hissed. "I was amazed by how easily I was able to rest and relax last night with you by my side. There really is something to it. I am very unhappy this morning. I warn you not to ask me why."
"You're not going to like…" Dean started.
"Shut up, you pervert. I am not some bar wench that is entranced by the handsome looks possessed by your human meat suit." Cas muttered.
That shut Dean right up. Helplessly he watched as Cas buried his face into his chest, burrowing against him like he was some kind of human pillow. He lay there for a minute and finally, he relaxed. It really wasn't so bad. Cas was solid. He was there. Dean felt anchored and not so lost to the nightmares and to his loss with him next to him. Dean lifted his right arm and wrapped it around Cas's narrow shoulders.
"Thank you." Cas said hoarsely, his face still buried. "Dean, I am so lost."
Dean didn't say anything. He simply pulled Cas in closer, into sort of a half hug. He threaded his free hand into Cas's and tried to give it a reassuring squeeze. He felt Cas sigh into his chest and then he turned over so he was half facing him. They lay there for awhile like that. Dean felt how tense Cas was, how when he breathed, he shuddered. He could tell he was trying to hold it together.
The longer Cas was back, the more emotions he seemed to be experiencing. When he had first rebelled, Cas had barely ever showed emotions. He was like a robot who occasionally said nonsensical things because of his unawareness of human custom. Then he had really thrown himself into the fight. He had lost it the night Dean almost said "yes" to Michael. Since that night, Dean could tell Cas had been struggling. Dean knew how it felt. His whole life, he had shoved his feelings into the sand, and poured an ocean on top of them. He could definitely relate to Cass feeling lost.
They checked out of the hotel around 10am, glad to put Stull, Kansas in the Impala's rearview. Dean would always remember it as the town where he had lost Sam. He felt slightly sick as they left town, feeling like he was leaving Sam and Bobby behind. He put on Black Sabbath, blasted it as loud as he could. There was so much he didn't know. He didn't know where they were going. He didn't know if he'd ever get Sam back. He didn't know where Bobby was. He didn't know what faced them. He was damn glad to be getting out of Kansas though.
They drove for hours, following random signs, not saying much. Finally, around 6, Dean pulled into a diner in Bondurant, Iowa. It seemed like a good place to be for the moment. Population was less than 5,000. It was another random small town to lose himself in, the kind of place where you could be anonymous.
"I need some grub. You might not need to eat, but I do." He said.
"I feel sick." Cas muttered. "My body… I fear… I fear that I am losing this vessel."
"What? Cas, what the hell? Why didn't you say something earlier? What can we do? What do you feel?" Dean cried, alarm in his voice.
"I feel this emptiness. I feel hollow. My… Jimmy's guts, where they were before, ache, like they are being stabbed. It's very unpleasant." Cas said.
Dean slapped his hand against his forehead. "Dude. You're hungry. That is all. That is exactly how I feel if I don't get some red meat in my system for a day or two. Actually, that's how I feel right now."
"I don't think I ever… felt this hollow though." Cas said.
"Do you mean emotionally or physically?" Dean asked, being semi-serious.
"This is purely a physical sensation." He replied.
"You're hungry. Trust me. Come on, let's get you one of those cheeseburgers you were jonesing for last night." Dean said, hopping out of the car.
"I cannot be hungry, Dean, I am an angel of the lord." He said seriously.
The way he said it, Dean burst out laughing. He knew he shouldn't, but Cas sounded so resolved, so determined not to eat. Cas stared at him darkly, his face just as stern as it usually was. Obviously this version of Castiel was someone who got irritable if he didn't get food in his system.
They sat down in the diner, Dean ordered his usual pile of dead cow, but Castiel took 15 minutes to decide, so Dean picked for him. For his first human meal, Dean decided to go easy on his stomach, so he ordered Castiel chicken fingers and a large coke. When the food arrived, Cas's eyes widened, like he was seeing breasts for the first time.
"This smells amazing." He stuttered. "It has never smelled like this before."
"It's because you're hungry. Dig in, man!" Dean said.
They ate, but Cas ate like a bird, picking at the chicken, peeling the fried part off and eating it slowly. He drank the coke in small slurps, his eyes widening every time the carbonated sugar hit his tongue. Dean finished his food in 5 minutes. It took Cas 25 minutes to eat his. When he was finally done, Dean looked at him expectantly.
"How was it?" he asked. "You still feel hollow?"
"No." Castiel muttered, "I feel… wonderful. I feel full and warm and I kind of want to be unconscious again. My vessel was simply craving food. How strange."
"Cas… are you sure that Jimmy's still in there?" Dean asked slowly. "Are you sure that… well, that this body isn't yours now?"
Cas stared at him, his eyes wide, innocent, as if he hadn't considered that.
"I don't know." He said finally. "I don't… feel Jimmy anymore. I haven't since I got back."
Cas stood up. "I have to… go stare at myself in the mirror in the bathroom." He muttered.
Dean thought about this as Cas stalked away. Cas was in denial about what was happening to him. Something had brought him back, yes, and whatever was powerful enough to do that scared the hell out of Dean, but Cas wasn't restored to his original self. He had been brought back as something else entirely. Dean was pretty sure that Cas wasn't an angel anymore.
Cas referred to an angel that lost his or her "abilities" as falling. Cas had been falling the second he had rebelled against Heaven. Bit by bit, he had weakened, but most of abilities had been intact in one way or another. This wasn't the case now. Cas had been brought back from the dead as a semblance of angel, but now, everything that had made him an angel was fading, and it was fading fast. He could no longer teleport. He couldn't heal. He hadn't tried, but he knew Cas couldn't bend time or kill demons anymore. Dean hadn't seen Castiel's wings, but he was pretty sure Cas didn't have those either. Those hallmarks of the divine were no longer a part of Cas. Not to mention that Cas was developing human needs and emotions. He needed sleep and food now. For all Dean knew, he also needed to drink water and use the bathroom. Day by day, Cas was becoming more and more human.
Dean didn't want to say it out loud, but he was pretty sure this is why Cas had been brought back from the dead. He was meant to spend the remainder of his life as a human man, mortal, weak, and without power.