Author's note: 333 you guys for the nice words about this story! Also in this chapter, I totally bullshitted the part about angels having sex. I have no idea if it's canon or if it makes sense at all. Let me know what you think! :)
The next day Cas and Dean left Bondurant, Iowa, and Dean was happy to be on his way to Bobby's house. He hadn't been happy to wake up in a long time. It was the first morning he had woken up without a hangover, without the urge to put a gun in his mouth.
They stopped at Bob Evans on their way out of town and watching the man eat pancakes for the first time was probably one of the funniest things Dean had ever seen. He was like a small child. He couldn't figure out how to use the butter knife properly, which embarrassed Cas, but delighted Dean, because it was so goddamn funny. Dean was amazed that a warrior of God, who had so expertly wielded the angel blade during battle, couldn't properly cut pancakes. Cas refused to let Dean cut up his pancakes for him, instead choosing to eat the pancakes like they were toast, which resulted in him getting syrup all over his face, clothes, and fingers. He also spilled coffee all over his shirt because it was "too hot for his mouth" and had to finally change out of his usual uniform in the men's bathroom.
He came out of the bathroom. "I look ridiculous." He said gruffly. "Dean, your clothes are too big for me. These pants are nearly exposing my rear. I was not aware how much weight this body had lost."
Dean burst out laughing. Sure enough, the clothes he had given Cas to wear were baggy on him and the jeans were falling down over his narrow hips. Plus, an angel of the lord wearing flannel? Just picture it. It's hilarious.
"Don't worry dude… we'll go steal you some clothes on our way to Bobby's." He said, trying not to laugh because clearly Cas was offended.
They hit the road after Cas's debacle at breakfast, intending to drive straight through the day. As they merged onto the freeway, Dean thought about the little things, like the purr of the Impala and the way the gas pedal felt underneath is foot, the way the sun drenched the hood with light and made the car look more purple than black, and being able to eat pancakes on a Sunday morning. It was these little things that made each passing day a little more bearable, and kept him from wishing he were dead.
"You know, I've lost track of the smiles." Cas said.
"What?" Dean said, coming out of his trance.
"You actually smiled so much last night and this morning that I've lost count. Perhaps I don't need to keep track anymore." Cas said.
"That'd be something, right? I don't know, man… things… well this week was hell. One of the worst weeks of my life. I see an awkward, gangly teenager and I think he's Sam. I see an old man in a trucker hat, and I think he's Bobby. Everything reminds me of them. I can't imagine my life without them, yet here I am with you, living it, and I think I might be okay eventually." He responded.
"I think so too." Cas said. "It still hasn't sunk in that I'm, well, mortal, but I'm getting used to it. Honestly, it's nice to not always be looking over my shoulder, and it's nice to have such frivolous concerns. When you're an angel, your entire life is a grand epic, a constant battle. Now… well, I'm just happy to be able to enjoy pancakes and the feeling of an attractive man's mouth on mine."
Dean snorted. "So, about that… uh, look, I don't know how you feel about it, but do you think it was a mistake?" He asked.
Dean hadn't wanted to bring it up, but he had no idea what it meant, and that was killing him. The truth of the matter was that he had enjoyed himself, more than he had enjoyed any sexual encounter he'd had in a long time. It didn't really bother him that Cas was a dude, because although he'd never said it out loud, he had always found certain men attractive and he saw no difference between dating a man rather than a woman. What mattered is that it had happened with Castiel, who was one of his best friends, who was dealing with a large amount emotional baggage himself, and, oh yeah, who also wasn't quite human. The interspecies aspect of it bothered Dean far more than the same sex aspect of the experience.
"I don't believe it was a mistake. We didn't really… do anything, Dean. There was nothing wrong with what happened." Cas replied.
"I know, dude, I mean, believe me, I don't think what we did was morally wrong, but the fact of the matter is that it happened, and, well, I'd really like it to happen again. I don't know what that means for us, I don't know what it means for you. I mean, Cas, have you ever been attracted to anyone before? Do you understand sexual urges at all?" Dean said.
That was another thing that bothered Dean. He had no idea if Cas felt the same physical pull to Dean as Dean did to him. He didn't know if Cas even knew about sex, if he had ever even kissed someone before last night, or if Cas even had a sexuality. In the two years he'd known the angel, he'd always assumed he was asexual. This changed after Dean met Anna, who professed that some angels just loved sex, but he had never gotten that vibe from Castiel.
"Dean, you forget that I have been alive for a bit longer than you. I understand the mechanics of sex and I've always been curious about it. During my life, I have felt enormous attraction to some beings, particularly humans. I just never had the opportunity, nor did I think it would be safe or appropriate for me to copulate with a human. You forget our enormous power." Cas said.
Dean squinted at Cas. He didn't realize that having sex with an angel could cause death, but he guess it made sense. An angel could burn out your eyes with one stare, so imagine what angel jizz could do. When that came to Dean's mind, he had to try to stop from laughing because the concept was strange, even for him.
"If you're wondering if I'm attracted to you, then you are a moron." Cas said, almost off-handedly.
"You are?" Dean asked "I assume… you are?"
"Dean, humans are works of art. If you knew how intricate something like your circulatory system is, if you really thought about how your body and your brain worked, you'd think so too. If you saw how beautiful a human soul can be, then you'd understand. You are a human, thus you are a work of art, and your form has always been a particular favorite of mine." Cas said, staring at the window.
"You think my… circulatory system is sexy?" Dean asked slowly.
"Dean, you are an idiot. To answer your question in terms you can understand, I'll make it simple. Yes, I am attracted to you, the way you think, the way you move. I love how pure your soul is, despite all of the trials you've been through during your short life. I love the way you keep pushing, keep living, which is why I was so devastated by your need to die, your need to say yes to Michael. I've been around for eons, and I have never experienced a human soul as beautiful as yours." He said.
Dean sat there silently. That was a load, a lot to live up to. Cas thought he had a beautiful soul, thought he had a beautiful mind. Normally it was "wow, you have great abs!" or "your mouth is so sexy", but no, Cas was attracted to his soul.
"And you have a great ass." Cas added. "Rock hard. You could chip a tooth on it."
Dean snorted. Usually he was the one to ruin a beautiful moment with an ill-advised sarcastic comment. Clearly, he was a bad influence on Cas.
"So, what? Are we going to make a habit of what happened last night?" Dean asked, returning to his original question.
"I suppose we could. I would like that." Cas murmured. "I quite enjoyed it, to be honest. I always thought sex was so base, but it's been the only other thing I've been able to think about besides my, erm, new situation, and what could be going on in Heaven now that Michael is gone. Honestly, thinking about sex is a pleasant distraction from all of that."
Dean glanced at his friend, suddenly distracted from his need to suss out the situation between the two of them. He hadn't realized Cas was so concerned about the situation in Heaven. As far as Dean was concerned, all of the other angels could suck an angel blade for all he cared.
"Dean, they're my family." Cas said quietly, as if he had read his mind. "Family is family no matter what they do. And it was my home, just like Bobby's house is yours."
Dean didn't know what to say to that and clearly, Cas had no intentions of adding to it, because for the next hour, they drove in tense silence, the sound of Led Zeppelin keeping them company. Dean started to feel really uncomfortable, missing their sarcastic banter at breakfast. He was just about say something about it, when Cas reached over and took his non-driving hand in his. Dean relaxed and the air seemed to clear.
About an hour outside of Sioux Falls, they stopped at a truck stop for a requisite break and so Dean could load up on snacks and soda. The closer they got to Bobby's, the more depressed Dean felt, because he knew the old hunter wouldn't be waiting for them with some "Hunter's Helper" or a sarcastic story about some idiot who was bitten by a Wendigo and thought they were turning into one. Dean wondered to himself if Cas had been right the night before about the house being a bad place to go so soon after Sam and Bobby's deaths. He hoped Cas was wrong.
Cas sauntered up to him in the store, his arms filled with bottles of red wine and cans of food. "I believe we will need sustenance when we arrive at Bobby's, so I purchased these." He announced. "Do you enjoy canned Vienna sausage?"
Looking at the ridiculous combination of purchases Cas had, he immediately felt better. Leave it to Cas to think that canned Vienna sausage was a delicacy. Cas was becoming the only person who could pull Dean out of the dark spaces in his mind.
"Dude, why do you have five bottles of red wine?" He asked incredulously.
"I found that I thoroughly enjoyed the buzz I got from it last night, so it will be my 'go-to drink' from here on out. After seeing what whiskey did to you, I think I will stay away from it." He said simply, as if it was the dumbest question in the world.
As they got back on the road, Dean thought about Cas. He was a paradox. He was 3000 years old and some change, yet he was also newly human, and still part angel, which was just weird. He didn't know how to use a butter knife or what it felt like to have to use the bathroom. His soul was ancient, but at the same time, it was brand new. Cas had seen things that Dean could hardly imagine, yet he found a $7 bottle of red wine to be one of the greatest things ever. He knew everything, yet he was just now discovering humanity. He thought it was amazing that someone like Cas even existed.
Finally, after what felt like days, even though it had only been 4 hours, they pulled into Bobby's driveway. Dean saw all the junkers in the salvage yard and immediately felt an overwhelming, not entirely unpleasant rush of nostalgia. He saw the car where he had rescued Bobby from two angry ghost girls and the patch of dirt where he and Sam had buried the body of a ghoul. It was strange that these things made him wistful, but he knew as soon as they pulled up in front of the house that he was home, that this is where he was meant to be right now.
"I'm home." He whispered as he got out of the car.
Cas got out behind him. "How are you doing?" He murmured. He came up behind Dean and circled his arms around his waist and rested his chin on his shoulder.
"I made the right choice, Cas. This is where we're supposed to be." He replied.
"Good. I'm glad. I'm glad I was wrong." He said.
He took Dean's hand and they walked up the stairs into the house.