A/N: Merry Christmas guys! Here's a little gift for you this season since you're such a great audience. :) Nah, actually this chapter was really delayed. It gave me a tough time. Just when I thought I was about to end it, I find myself adding another 400 words or so because Lauren really had to say this, or Bo had to answer it etc. etc. Anyway, not sure I'm happy with the outcome too, especially since it feels a bit confusing with all the interchanging Lewis- Lauren names. Hope it's not too bothersome.
Anyway, thanks for the reviews and support as always.
Enjoy the chapter!
Note: no longer beta-ed. Plus I literally just finished it minutes ago and sent it before my laptop died on me. Mistakes are all mine and will be checked out once I have slept. Thanks!
Chapter 12
When Bo entered the bar that night, she looked to the pool table area first but she saw that Lauren - Lewis, her brain insisted immediately, already able to recognize the difference in their body language - was waiting in the bar tonight.
"La- Lewis, hey," Bo greeted awkwardly, while discreetly checking him out. She had already noticed that he looked good but it was only now that she acknowledged her own attraction to this form, especially with Kenzi's reaction earlier.
"Hello, Bo," Lewis answered in his husky drawl, pulling her from her thoughts.
Bo looked around for a second but Lewis seemed to sense her discomfort and stood up from his stool. "We can sit in that corner, for privacy," he hesitated and then with a small smile, "But you better order a drink now, we'll probably need it."
Bo gave her a small smile back, feeling slightly relieved at that small ice breaker. She did order herself a tequila bottle and followed Lewis to the back booth. She poured herself a shot as soon as they sat down, opposite of each other, and downed it immediately, automatically refilling and offering the shot glass to Lewis. Lewis shook his head and gestured to his own half-filled tumbler.
"Bourbon?" Bo guessed.
"Scotch."
Bo gave a wry grin and sat back, as if to say 'of course, even your preferred drink had changed'.
Lewis took a careful sip of his drink. They stewed in uncomfortable silence for a couple of seconds, before he said, "So, you and Dyson huh?"
Bo immediately stiffened and she sat back up, frowning at him. "Yeah, we're together now. How about you," she continued without pause, "You're with that doctor? You looked familiar with each other. And you were close with that guy too."
Bo was pretty sure that Lauren only liked women but maybe that had changed too.
"Dev?" Lewis said, crinkling his nose, "No way. He's like a younger, annoying brother."
"You were wrestling with him," Bo said, unable to keep the bafflement out of her voice.
To her surprise, Lewis blushed and ducked his head. He took a hurried sip of his drink before he said, "Ah that, um, I was a little nervous."
Bo's eyes widened in disbelief. "You were nervous," she repeated blankly. "So, you tackled him?"
Lewis was still blushing but he lifted his head to look her straight in the eye as he said, "I was nervous because you were there."
Bo found herself also blushing slightly under that gaze. "Wh-why?"
"I didn't want them to know about our past, Bo. I was afraid that I would mess up and I'd become Lauren again."
Bo lowered her gaze then and frowned a little. What was so bad about that, she thought, but she didn't say it out loud. Instead she finished off her second shot of tequila and played with her glass. "That was... weird, seeing you like that."
Lewis nodded but didn't say anything, allowing Bo to speak her mind.
"I already knew about it and I thought I was prepared, but it was still... weird," Bo slowly filled her shot glass again but didn't drink yet. "You were so different, so... open. I almost couldn't believe it." Bo gave a loud sigh. "Actually, I still can't believe that you go around tackling people now."
Instead of getting embarrassed again, like she expected, Lewis took on a sly look. "It's a guy thing, you wouldn't understand," he said and then laughed at the look Bo gave him. "No, really," he continued, looking more earnest now. "It's actually a fascinating perspective on male behaviour. As males aren't supposed to be 'soft' like women, their intimacy is expressed through other forms. For example, instead of a hug or a casual touch, males would rather slap or punch you because those are aggressive actions and therefore is not supposed to count as intimacy; although it still does in a roundabout way." He seemed to remember that he was still talking to Bo and gave a shy smile. "Anyway, it's something I've gotten used to, as Lewis. It wasn't easy at first, because I wasn't used to people touching me." He gave her a gentle smile that caused Bo's heart to flutter. "Actually, you were the only one who did, aside from Nadia. Back then, I was very isolated and my only contact came from my patients."
He paused to take another careful sip of his drink and then seemed to go off track. "Remember, I told you I got a job before I came to the Dark?" At Bo's nod, he continued. "Well, my partner Bob, we had known each other for about three weeks and gone drinking a couple of times. One day, he invited me out and he just casually put his arm on my shoulder," Lewis paused, clearly recalling the moment. "I almost pushed him away at first but then it felt nice. He was being friendly and there were no strings attached to his invitation. It was... a bit of a revelation." He swirled his drink idly. "After that, I got more used to it - other male friends being a bit too rough with each other and female friends just being... touchy-feely, I guess." His brows suddenly furrowed in confusion and Bo got the feeling that he was speaking to himself again. "I was never that affectionate with others, even in my teens, although I saw a lot of girls my age cuddling up to other girls and fawning all over their clothes and hair and stuff. It was -"
Bo would have been happy with this unexpected peek into the doctor's past - she even found herself fighting a grin at the small 'human behaviour' lecture, which was so typically "Lauren" - if she hadn't gotten stuck on one point: women flirting with Lewis.
"Like Dr. Sabel?" she interrupted, remembering that he hadn't really clarified that part yet. She was being too obvious but Bo couldn't help it. She still felt possessive over this person, even if he was no longer just the Lauren she knew.
"What?" Lewis asked before he said, "Oh, Marian? She has a mate. She just likes to flirt with me because apparently, sometimes, I'm too serious." He looked at her knowingly, and Bo tensed herself up for the jealous accusations but it never came. Instead, Lewis poked at another sensitive subject.
"About your hunger and the binding we did, can you tell me about it now?" he asked gently.
Bo took a deep breath and another tequila shot. She did promise, didn't she? So she started haltingly in the beginning, feeling overly exposed. While she hadn't been proud of her loss of control back then, revealing all of this to Lauren felt somewhat shameful. Bo knew that she wouldn't judge her, but the thought of... disappointing her somehow, made her heart ache.
But as she talked more about it, Lewis' unwavering attention and kind expression made Bo feel better. There was visible concern in his eyes, which she felt was not about her, but for her. He didn't cringe away from her in fear or distrust, but only offered a calm, open mind.
It was only when she stopped talking that Lewis posed another question. "And the change, it's permanent?"
Feeling parched, Bo nodded as she poured herself another shot. "It's there inside me. I... I have these urges that goes beyond feeding. I want..." She looked away. "I have to constantly watch myself and try not to give in."
Lewis nodded. "I see." He hesitated before adding, "But you're okay, right?" His right hand slowly reached out, their fingers brushing for a second, and just as quickly jolted away from each other, stunned by the almost unbearable sensation from the brief touch.
Bo's fingers tingled and she fought the urge to rub them although Lewis looked similarly freaked. She suddenly realized that this was the first time they had touched since meeting again and decided that she wanted to do it again, regardless of that surprising feeling.
She bravely put her hand out again, slowly, watching Lewis' face for any sign of rejection. Bo breathed a sigh of relief when he followed suit and gingerly, they touched and held each other's hand.
On one side, it was an awkward feeling, both of them staring at their entwined fingers like it was a bomb that was about to go off. On the other, it was, Bo thought, the most wonderful feeling in the world.
It was like she had been holding her breath for the past year and only right now, could she let go and breathe in again. Warmth radiated from their point of contact and filled the hollow in her chest that she had despaired of being whole again.
Bo slowly recovered and finally allowed herself to look up to Lewis' face. He was still looking down but sensed her gaze and looked up as well.
"I'm... good," Bo answered the earlier question softly, squeezing the hand she held gently. "Right now, I'm really..." she faltered, unable to voice all that she felt right now, so she just squeezed his hand again.
Lewis seemed to understand because he squeezed back in answer.
xxx
They fell silent for a while and Lewis kept holding onto Bo's hand. The succubus didn't pull away either, not even when she poured herself more drinks.
He had been badly startled by their first touch and the way his heart had given a violent lurch, but when they tried again and he got to hold her hand again in his, a feeling bloomed in his chest - of being hyper and being calm at the same time - and he felt that he never wanted to let go.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you," he said, breaking the silence. Bo looked surprised but Lewis continued before she could comment. "But I'm glad that you weren't alone this time."
Bo gave him a small smile. "Yeah. I'm grateful to everyone, but Kenzi was really great. She's my rock."
Lewis smiled too and then remembered something else. "Speaking of Kenzi, how did she take it? You, uh, finding me?"
Bo's smile widened and turned a touch wicked. Lewis must've made a face because Bo suddenly laughed and said, "She's not happy with you, but she'll keep your secret for now."
Lewis felt relieved by that. He knew that the goth girl was absolutely loyal to Bo and that sentiment was also completely returned by the succubus. If Kenzi had protested about Bo reaching out to him, he knew that his chances of building their friendship again would be very slim.
But then again, Lewis thought, Kenzi was usually mature about this. Even if she had always preferred Dyson over him, she wouldn't try to stop Bo from her other pursuits if it meant the succubus was happy.
After that intense topic, they somehow drifted off to cheerier ones from the past year. Bo was in the middle of a funny story about Hale when she stopped to stare at him when he scratched his hair.
Lewis looked at her curiously, suddenly self-conscious. "What is it?"
She suddenly frowned and said, "What happened to your ear?"
His other hand came up instinctively to rub the mentioned ear. "Oh, ah. An accident," he said, trying to shrug it off. He didn't want Bo to know about the assassination attempt, wary of her reaction. He was enjoying this renewed lightheartedness between them and he didn't want to see it end yet.
But Bo was persistent and her hand had tensed in his. "What accident? The scar is all uneven."
Lewis sighed. The naked concern on Bo's face was making his heart ache. He suddenly remembered that he could barely deny this woman anything before and it still seemed true now.
"It's a bullet wound," he said flatly. "It was just a graze but..." He sighed again.
Bo's eyes had widened at the word bullet and he could feel her hand squeezing his tightly. "What? Bullet... what do you mean? What happened?"
"Bo..." Lewis tried to say, but Bo shook her head immediately.
"No. Tell me, what happened," she insisted and at his stubborn look, added, "Please, Lauren."
Lewis clenched his jaw. She had been calling him Lewis all night and to revert now could only mean how serious this had affected her.
He tried to think about his options then. Lewis could deny her and he knew that she would certainly feel hurt about that. Whatever progress they've made tonight would most likely disappear.
And that was no longer an option because Lewis knew that he wanted Bo back in his life. He couldn't tell her a lie either, because he had already learned his lesson about keeping things from her. If they were going to start fresh, then they needed to start properly without secrets between them because in the end, the truth always came out anyway.
Lewis looked at Bo's determined face and decided.
Needing some space, he gently pulled his hand away from hers and for a second, it seemed she wasn't going to let go. But Bo reluctantly pulled away as well, when she saw his serious face.
"It was an attempt on my life," Lewis said. He saw Bo's horrified face and forestalled her questions with a hurried explanation. "Not everyone from the Dark accepted my new position. They felt that I wasn't worthy of being the Morrigan's body servant and decided to get rid of me."
"What the hell, Lauren!" Bo blurted out then, becoming visibly agitated. "Someone tried to kill you because of the Morrigan?!"
Lewis' eyes widened at that. He hurriedly looked around them and saw, to his relief, that the bar was mostly empty at this time. He put his hand out in a calming gesture and scolded the succubus. "Bo! Don't forget where you are!"
Bo looked startled at his tone and then looked around herself. She gave a huff of frustration but subsided back to her seat. "You were almost killed!" she said, her voice still distressed.
Lewis suddenly felt a bit defensive. Bo was acting like he couldn't take care of himself.
"I wasn't. It was a near miss but I'm okay, Bo," he said, unable to hide his impatience. "And the Morrigan protected me, of course. She practically smuggled me out of the country right after and sent me hiding."
Bo suddenly made a complicated expression that Lewis didn't know how to interpret and she stayed suspiciously silent which left him to awkwardly fill in.
"That's how I came to visit other Dark Fae settlements; I was constantly traveling for the last six months. You could say that I was on the run." When Bo still didn't speak, he continued, "And in the meantime, the Morrigan searched for the mastermind of the attempt and rooted them out successfully."
"You mean killed them," Bo finally said.
Lewis clenched his teeth, irritated by Bo's flippancy. "Yes."
"How could you trust her, Lauren?" Bo suddenly said, leaning forward, her eyes blazing with emotion. "You were one of the people that warned me about her. Damn it! You were so afraid of her before!"
"Bo, I told you. The bond - "
"That doesn't explain everything like you think it does!" Bo interrupted angrily. "I just don't get how you could go back to the fae, when you were already free!"
This outburst stunned both of them for a second before Bo continued, obviously struggling to be calm. "What I saw earlier, I get it. I know that it's not the same as when you were with the Light Fae. You have friends and you seem happy, but... how can this be okay? Your life was in danger because of that bond but you're still defending the Morrigan!"
"She's not the enemy, Bo - "
"This is just like you defending the Ash before! What's the point then, if you're just repeating the same mistakes again?"
xxx
Bo watched Lewis' face pale and his mouth open in shock at her accusation. She regretted it almost as soon as it came out, knowing that it wasn't exactly true. But she didn't take it back either because she was infuriated with the way he was rationalizing the situation with the Morrigan.
It was such a "Lauren" thing to do - always hiding behind the 'facts'. The new appearance and personality didn't matter; she just couldn't rid herself of this trait, Bo thought irately. She knew that her eyes were shining blue again and wished she could hide how much this was affecting her. The sense of betrayal she was feeling made her nauseous.
Hurt had flooded Lewis' eyes and Bo expected him to back down, like Lauren always did before, accepting Bo's anger understandingly and offering quiet apologies.
But Bo found herself surprised instead by Lewis' eyes flashing angrily and his soft but cutting words.
"Oh, like you are with Dyson? How many times has he betrayed you and how many times have you come running back to his arms anyway?"
Bo felt her face flush and her throat tighten at that unexpected blow.
But before she could answer, Lewis deflated before her eyes. He gave a sigh and closed his eyes for a second before he said, "I'm sorry. That was out of line."
"It was," Bo agreed, fighting to keep calm. "And it wasn't relevant to what we're talking about. What Dyson and I have is not the same as what you have with the Morrigan." Even as she said that, she couldn't help the small hitch in her voice as a niggle of doubt entered her mind. Bo suddenly remembered that night at the ball and how close the two had looked, walking arm in arm.
"What do you want me to say, Bo?" Lewis asked tiredly, breaking into her thoughts. "Do you want me to apologize for being weak? For being pathetic to want to stay in this world even if it meant being a servant?"
Her heart ached at his quiet words and her anger abruptly disappeared, only to be replaced by bewildered confusion and sadness.
Lewis continued. "Then I'll say it. I'm sorry I'm not the person you expect me to be. I'm sorry that you don't like my choice, but it's my choice, Bo. It's my life. You don't have a say in how I live it."
Bo protested immediately, feeling a rush of possessiveness that seemed both familiar and strange. "I do have a say!"
At his disbelieving look, Bo continued, fumbling now as she tried to deal with her confusing emotions. "I... you're my friend and I care about you. I don't want you to be hurt -"
"You can't even say it," Lewis cut in abruptly. He looked her straight in the eyes. "Do you know why I never left Toronto? Because of you, Bo. Because I was in love with you. And I still am, I never stopped."
The out-of-the-blue confession nearly staggered Bo. She wanted to turn away from those honest eyes, but she didn't because part of her yearned for those words too.
Lewis continued. "You probably know this already, but I've never said it so plainly before either, only through slips of tongue and insinuations. But I'm done playing coy, Bo. You wanted to know why I'm with the Dark Fae? It's because of Lewis Aidan." His eyes hardened. "I used to hide so much of myself before, because everyone just wanted the doctor; no one had wanted to know the real me." He gave a small, bitter chuckle. "So, can you imagine the irony when I was finally able to be myself in a fake, created personality? Lewis was free in a way that Lauren had forgotten how to be. Being him made me feel freer than I ever have in the five years I spent with the fae." He paused for a second, "And eventually, me being Lewis became less of a disguise and more of a way to recover from the past and move on."
His eyes had lightened up and he gave her a small, self-conscious smile as if to say 'I know it's weird that I'm speaking of my selves in third person.'
"That's why I can't regret my choices, Bo. I can't regret my decision to stay and become Lewis Aidan because even though I just created him, he managed to teach me how to want things without feeling guilty about them; like going back to the fae. He helped me grow." His face turned thoughtful for a second and then slightly sad.
"If it was all left to Lauren, I think she would have either gone back with her tail tucked between her legs or she would have left forever..."
Bo was appalled for a second, feeling the urge to defend "Lauren" until she realized that maybe it wasn't an unfair assessment. The Lauren she had known had been strong - so very strong to have endured all those years alone - and Bo had been in awe of her. But she had also sensed the fragility in Lauren, a brittleness like... like cracks underneath a wallpaper. Her strength had also been her weakness: Lauren's loyalty to Nadia had been absolute and if Bo hadn't stumbled on her cure, the doctor would have pursued it until she was worn down to the bone.
And wasn't that what had happened? Bo thought. Lauren had even admitted it last time. She had been worn down and finally broken by Nadia's death.
Bo shook herself out of her thoughts to hear Lewis' next words and was taken aback by the unyielding look in his eyes, feeling a bit humbled by his certainty.
"And even if you don't understand my choices, then I'm sorry, Bo, because I don't care. I love you but I'm not living my life to please you." Lewis' face softened and he eased the sting of his words with another gentle smile. "I know I can't physically stay in disguise forever, but Lewis is already in me. I like who I am right now. I have... I respect myself. I'm still a servant of the Fae, yes, but it's no longer a burden like it was before. I'm not doing this for someone other than myself."
They sat in a sort of stunned silence there for a while, until Bo said, "It's not like..." she stopped, still struggling to absorb Lewis' words and her own emotions. "You being Lewis, it's strange but I'm, I don't care about that really. And I'm sorry I implied that your situation with the Morrigan was the same with the Ash, but I guess I'm still confused why you chose her. Once you were sure that you wanted to go back to the fae, you could have gone to me. I know the bond was important to you but..." Bo hesitated, feeling very vulnerable with her next words. "What did she have that I couldn't give you?"
At that, Lewis just looked sad but oddly determined.
"I wasn't sure before but... I couldn't have gone to you, Bo. I know that now," he said gently, obviously trying not to hurt her.
"Why not?" Bo asked, unable to keep her voice from wavering.
Lewis' voice became a bit cooler, taking on that familiar 'I'm-going-to-explain-something-to-you-about-the-fae' tone. "Bo, first you have to understand that I needed to be with a fae to stay in this world."
She must've made an expression because Lewis gave a wry smile.
"I mean, like you are with Kenzi. You've claimed her as your human and for the most part, the fae respects that claim. I needed someone like that too because no matter how good a doctor I am, my skills wouldn't really mean anything without a fae, uh, patron, shall we say."
Despite herself, Bo felt diverted by this little lecture and also growing irritated by the subject. "I don't get it," she said.
"It's like being neutral," Lewis said. "They are excluded and unprotected. The Light and the Dark just won't take them seriously."
"But I'm neutral, so that would've worked for us, wouldn't it?" Bo asked, feeling more confused now.
"Well, you're a special case, Bo," Lewis said, sounding like he was teasing. The atmosphere had relaxed considerably and Bo gave him a quick smirk in return. He continued. "Anyway, that being said, I couldn't go to you because I actually don't want to be your human."
Before Bo could feel the pain from that (yet another unexpected!) blow, Lewis grabbed her hand again and squeezed it gently for comfort.
"I mean, I don't want to be like Kenzi to you."
"You're not like Kenzi, Lauren! We... what we have, it's different!" she said, hating that she just couldn't say what Lauren was to her, and return her sentiment.
But her feelings right now were so tangled up that she couldn't be sure of herself yet. She needed time to think things through. She needed to repay the doctor's honesty properly.
"It's not that, Bo," Lewis said. "It's... I guess I didn't want my whole life to just revolve around you. That happened with Nadia and I barely survived it."
"What...?"
"If you took me in, I would become your human too. I... I would belong to you." He hesitated now. "I know that you wouldn't think of it that way, but I would. And if we ever become lovers again, I would feel... dirty, I think."
"Lauren..." Bo felt her heart ache afresh.
"I've probably been with the fae too long but, that's how I feel right now. You would have become my fae, my friend and maybe my lover. Every part of me would belong to you and I couldn't take that." He suddenly looked ashamed. "My pride couldn't take it, too."
Bo was surprised. "Pride?"
"You're a succubus, Bo. Your biological needs would demand that you have a varied set of lovers, and even though that's just for superficial feeding, I won't, no, I don't want to accept that. If I gave you everything, I'd want your everything in return." He gave a shrug. "So, you see? It's better this way. I can have this thing of my own."
And those words sealed the whole night for Bo because there was no way her Lauren could have expressed it so baldly. Part of her had been resisting it, but there was no doubt now that this person was different. Not that it was bad, she mused, just different.
There were just silent for a long while then until Bo finally got up to leave. Lewis didn't try to protest but Bo still stopped at his words.
"I'm really sorry about what I said about Dyson."
"It's okay," Bo said, barely recalling that now.
"Bo, you and Dyson, you're happy?" Lewis asked, suddenly taking her hand again.
Bo eagerly returned his gentle grip but hesitated on her words. And then she decided to offer him a truth. She felt she owed him that for tonight. "I'm his mate, but... he's not mine. Like you said, I'm a succubus. I don't know if I'll have one."
Lewis gave her hand a final squeeze and as she walked away, Bo wondered why her heart hurt as if someone had squeezed it too.
A/N2: So, it started out flirty and ended up being so heavy. Not very holiday-ish huh? Like I said, I wasn't too happy with it because I feel that I wasn't able to express their thoughts properly. Probably because this is the actual crux of this story: why I created the Lewis persona in the first place - to help Lauren out. (Give her a good boss, friends, a job that she actually enjoyed without the threat of other stuff, etc, etc.)
I guess to put it simply, their first conversation was about why Lauren left. And this one, why she returned (to the fae).
To be honest, I felt bad for Bo here. She got seriously emotionally clobbered by Lauren.
Anyway, there was supposed to be plot stuff too but these two took over and wouldn't let me get in a word edgewise. :D It'll be in the next chapter, along with the Morrigan's return.