Ive uploaded one today instead of tomorrow, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year, and all the health and happiness for 2013.
Also thanks for reading, please do leave a review good or bad to let me know how i'm getting on. Thanks x
Chapter 8
Jens heart had been racing all morning. She wanted nothing more than to jump from her seat at the front of the room and tell Tilly actually how much she means to her. Why she took the job? She couldn't exactly let Tilly give up everything just to be with her now could she? her life, her college, her dream. It wasn't even an option, never. Jen was also scared about meeting with Hellon at lunch time. Ecspecially in the college coffee. What the hell was she thinking? The college coffee, where Tilly spends her lunch break. Its not like she can just cancle now is it? Jen had already agreed and seamed pretty exited about it. Jen knew deep down, it was just finally time to at least try and move on, it's not like she needed anyone else in her life because she knew, now after meeting Tilly. No one at all could compare to her, but its different when you think your so in love, and the one your in love with doesn't know it and is possibly falling in love with someone else isnt much as it breaks Jens heart to think it, its all true.
Tilly was sat at the back of the class in the art room in her own little world. Nothing around her came close to being important right now. She wasn't even listening to a word Ester was saying beside her. She wasn't working, the only thing she was doing was thinking of Jen. Thinking about how Jen would react tomorrow when reading the letter, to find out if Jen actually still cared about her as much as she looked like she did. Tilly was in a real bad way in the art lesson. All though only Jen and Ester noticed. She just didn't look herself at all. The funreral for her friends was now less than 24 hours away and it was really starting to get to Tilly. As well as having the worst hangover she'd ever experianced. Being in a two hour lesson with Jen just made everything that little bit worse.
''Tilly are you listening to me'' said Ester. ''Hu? What you saying?'' replied Tilly not making any formal contact with her supposed to be girlfriend. ''You haven't listened to a word I have just said have you?'' said Ester a little annoyed. Before Tilly knew it she'd totally been tipped over the edge. All Ester had been doing was banging on in her eye about nothing. ''Jesus Ester, back off will you! Your always there in my ear just let me breath will you'' Tilly raised her voice causing everyone to turn towards her and look. But looked away straight away, no matter what was happening now wasnt the time to be giving Tilly attention she did not need or want. ''Ah, I really can't be arsed with any of this'' added Tilly. She collected her things from her desk and walked out the classroom. When getting outside she put her back to the wall beside the door and shut her eyes. It was obviously like she wanted to just shut the whole world out.
Jen got a shock from Tillys reaction during her lesson. It wasn't even a hour the way through and Tilly and walked out and left. Jen knew Ester must have been smuthering Tilly when she least needed it but she really didnt know why she acted the way she did. She thought about how Tilly had never, ever been bothered about being with Jen. How Tilly never ever got sick of being around her, or board. Jen liked that Tilly could spend every second of the day with Jen. And often wondered if she felt the same way about Ester. But now, she couldn't judge it, because now Tilly was most definetly not herself. Jen stood up and excused herself from the classroom to check on Tilly after a couple of minutes. Tilly obviously needed a little time to herself and she wasnt going to get in the way of that.
When Jen exited the class room she noticed Tilly straight away leaning against the wall, she was crouched. She looked as white as a sheet. Jen slowly approached Tilly and stood infront of her. ''Tilly, is everything ok?'' Jen asked. Tilly looked up instantly reconizing the voice who was stood infront of her. ''Yeah, sorry about that Miss. Just needed a little time to breath'' replied Tilly clearly embarrassed. ''Don't worry about it Tilly, I understand. I am here if you need to talk to anyone you know. You do know that right?'' said Jen. ''Yeah I know, thanks anyways but I will sort myself out it's not like I can run to you everytime I aint feeling right about something is it'' Tilly smiled weekly. ''And I have like the worst hangover I have ever experianced'' said Tilly holding her head. ''Ha, you drank the whole bottle didn't you'' Jen smiled. ''Yep'' replied Tilly. ''Come on, lets get back inside. You can just find another seat if you want to sit alone'' said Jen. ''It's alright, I shouldn't of taken it out on her. My heads just all over at the minute thats all'' replied Tilly.
The two women entered the room together and returned to there seats. Jen felt bad, Tilly didnt think she could go to Jen with her problems anymore, just because they wern't together anymore. And it wasnt like they could stick to being friends again because they both know it would never happen. Jen didnt take her eyes of her younger lover who walked towards her desk and sat down beside Ester.
Tilly felt bad, she was never normally someone to show someone up the way she just did with Ester. She blamed herself of course she did. It was her own fault, if she hadn't of drank so much last night she would have possibly had more control over her emotions. Tilly placed her hand over Esters and instantly Ester looked up and into Tillys eyes. ''I'm sorry for the way I acted, sometimes I just like to be alone it's not you'' Tilly said. ''I know, I understand and, I'm sorry. Tilly just nodded and smiled a little. Before finally focusing on her work at last.
Jen noticed something when Tilly and Ester were talking at the back of the classroom. Like it was much different to the way herself and Tilly had conversations. She couldn't quite tell if Tilly was really sorry, or if she was just acting it to make Ester feel better. Either way Jen didnt quite know how to explain it. But she knew, this wasn't as serious to Tilly as it was to Ester that was for sure.
Tilly kept her head down for the rest of the lesson. Jen didnt of course. She couldn't help herself from looking at Tilly. How hurt she looked. Jen could see Ester was trying her best to comfort her lover but Tilly didnt seam to be the slightest bit interested. Ester kept touching Tillys hand but all Tilly was doing was flinching and removing her hand away over and over. She thought Ester might of got the hint by now. Jen hated seeing Tilly so uncomfortable, she felt bad for her. She went through exactly the same when her father died. People who were there when she didnt want them to be. Never giving up with trying to comfort you, it just feels like your being smuthered.
It was finally time for the end of the lesson. Finally time for lunch Jen thought, time to take her mind of the younger beautiful woman she thought about way to much in her time. It was leading to not consentrating when she most needed to. It was all getting to much for herself, seeing Tilly and Ester together actually made her physically sick to the bone. She needed want anyone touching or trying to comfort the woman she loved if she couldn't. It just wasnt right in any single way.
Jen made her way straight out of the college and straight to the college coffee where Hellon had already secured seats for the two of them with two coffee's in hand. Hellon stood up as soon as she seen Jen enter the coffee shop and welcomed her with a beautiful smile. Jen instantly smiled back and walked straight towards her. ''Nice to see you again Jen'' said Hellon. ''And you, ecspecially when we arn't drunk ey?'' Jen laughed. Hellon just smiled, then both sat down. A little close for Jens liking, but just stayed anyways. It was polite conversation between the pair. It was nothing serious, so it was a big change for Jen. Jen was used to all the serious conversations with Diane, and Tilly and everyone else who seamed to be getting on her case right now. Half a hour into the lunch break and Jen and Hellon were totally and utterly lost in conversation and laughter. Hellon had even started placing her hand on Jens knee as they laughed. And to be honest, Jen didnt feel uncomfortable one little bit.
Tilly had made her way straight outside the college. Air is what she needed, she felt sick to the stomach. She wanted nothing more than to go home and go straight to bed, but of course she couldn't. Her parents were fare to stricked to let her stay home from college from a little hangover. And before she knew it, she heard her voice again. The voice that was annoying her so much all day. It was Ester catching up with her, Tilly carried on walking, she just pertended that she couldn't hear Ester shouting of her. Finally Ester caught up to her, Tilly just smiled. Nothing else, she didnt communicate verbally. Just smiled. ''Where are you going babe?'' Ester asked. ''Just for a walk get a coffee or something'' replied Tilly. ''Are right, I will join you then'' replied Ester linking her hand with Tillys instantly. Tilly just sighed. Right, she needed to do what was right now. She needed to end this stupid excuse of a relationship. She didnt want Ester, she never did. She wanted Jen, and because she couldnt have Jen she didnt want anyone. She'd be better of alone than being unhappy.
''Ester, we need to talk'' said Tilly removing her hand from Esters. ''Yeah? Whats up?'' asked Ester concerned. ''Well, I don't really know how to say this...Just I dont want this. I don't want to be with you I am sorry'' said Tilly. ''What? Why? Come on Tilly were alright'' said Ester as she carried on walking along with Tilly. ''I just don't feel right with you Ester. Its just not what I want'' said Tilly speeding her walk up again. ''Look Tilly we can work it out'' begged Ester. ''No, we can't Ester. You deserve better. Are you not bothered that I havent even kissed you the whole time we've been together'' Tilly sighed and walked away, walking straight into the college coffee leaving Ester on the steps heartbroken.
Tilly slummed herself onto the nearest sofa and breathed heavly to herself. Ester was worth more than this. Ester was supposed to be a friend and Tilly had found herself using her to try get over the woman she is really in love with. Ester deserved better, she was a nice enough person. But never really worked herself hard enough to find anyone else since the trip where they kissed years ago. It was a horrible feeling splitting up with Ester because Tilly knew she'd be heartbroken, and possibly keep asking questions.
Tilly instantly lifted her head to a familiar laugh. She couldn't belive what she was seeing. Jen and another woman, so close together. This other woman was so close to Jen, touching her and practically slavering herself all over Jen. Tilly couldn'tand what she was seeing. Jen hadn't even noticed Tilly coming into the college coffee because she was so into this other woman. Fuck. Totally screwed up here haven't I Tilly thought to herself.
Tilly decided it would be best to try and leave without Jen noticing her. so tensions wern't caused between the two of them. The one thing Tilly didnt want to do was ruin this for Jen, just encase she actually liked this beautiful woman who was sat beside Jen making her laugh. If Tilly couldn't be with Jen the least she could do was wish her to be happy. Tilly took one last look over to Jen and sat herself up and stood from the chair she was sat in. Just as she was about to stand up Ester entered the college coffee shop. In a histerical state, crying uncontrolably.
Great. Just great Tilly thought.
''Tilly I love you please don't do this to me'' Ester raised her voice a little as she walked towards Tilly who stiffened herself up. Jen instantly turned around at the sound of Tillys name and the sound of histerical crying. ''Are you ok Jen?'' Hellon asked. ''Yeah, erm to seconds'' replied Jen totally uninterested to what she had to say. ''Ester. I have told you its done it was all a mistake'' Tilly spoke quietly so she wasnt showing Ester up again. Ester shook her head as more tears began to fall. Ester instantly wrapped her hands around Tillys wrists to stop her from leaving. ''Ester stop it! Everyone is looking at us your making a scene'' said Tilly. ''I don't care who's here! I LOVE YOU TILLY. Who cares if you havent kissed me while we've been together? who cares if you dont act like you like me? who cares that you dont love me? its the fact that I love you that counts'' Ester sobbed.
Tilly looked around to everyone who was sitting around. Luckly it wasnt many people from the college. Just people from the village and Jen and her new bird of course. Which made it all that much worse that Jen was watching every move. Tilly tried to free herself from Esters arms but Ester just didnt want to leave go. ''Stop this Ester, this isn't what I want'' said Tilly carmly. ''So what do you want?'' asked Ester. Tilly started to get angry. Why couldn't she just take the hint? ''BECAUSE I DONT WANT YOU ESTER'' Tilly shouted and freed herself from her. ''So you want someone else?'' Ester asked confused. ''I love someone else Ester just leave it at that. I'm sorry'' said Tilly and with that she walked out the doors and walked away.
She loves me!