I
Asuka hasn't been answering her phone, neither calls nor texts.
It's the second week of their senior year, and it seems like none of it has registered with Asuka at all. She hasn't been talking at lunch, not yelling at Kaworu when he kisses Shinji in the hall, and it worries Rei. Asuka's been keeping up appearances, as her pride insists she do, but still Rei has noticed.
She slows her bike to a stop in front of Asuka's house and frowns. Even from the curb she can hear the music issuing from Asuka's room; in the lit windows to the other side of the door, where the living room is, are the shadows of Asuka's parents, circling each other like sharks.
Rei lifts her bike, carrying it across the lawn. She pauses to open the gate to Asuka's backyard; it squeaks loudly as she pushes past it, wheeling her bike in and leaning it up against the side of the house.
There is light shining from Asuka's window, illuminating the little stone pathway that used to lead to Kyoko's garden. The garden has long since been overrun with weeds and rocks kicked over the broken little fence around it, but the path remains. Rei walks up to Asuka's window, her eyes surveying the stones, one of the few things she remembers from her childhood visits to this house. One in particular catches her eye, a grey slab of stone (Rei thinks it might be shale) where Asuka tried to chip their names into it with another rock, and failed.
The music slows, stops. Despite the sudden silence, Rei thinks she can hear something, voices perhaps, in the background, before the music resumes louder than ever. She can't make out the lyrics, but they sound different, no doubt in a language that she couldn't understand even if she could hear what they were saying.
Rei raises a hand and knocks on Asuka's window, trying to make herself heard. She imagines that for a moment the sound assailing her ears lessens, and then there is she sound of stumbling before Asuka appears in the window. Rei waves, then taps on the glass as Asuka throws her arms up into the air, unknowingly mimicking the motions her parents had made.
Asuka rolls her eyes, but she heaves the window open and reaches down to help Rei climb through it. "What're you doing here?" she asks, nearly shouting.
"You haven't been answering my texts all week," Rei says, looking around Asuka's room. It's changed in the years she hasn't visited: instead of the room she remembers (bed up against one wall, desk opposite that, posters on the walls), this room is a tangle of half-hearted efforts. Asuka's schoolbag dangles precariously from a chair next to her desk, covered with homework she means to do but never finds time to until 11 pm; the only things that look attended to are the exceptionally clean light blue curtains draped beside Asuka's windows, dancing softly in the breeze.
Asuka retreats across the room, throwing herself onto her bed beside her desk. Rei looks down, picking her way through the clutter of books and jackets strewn everywhere. "I've been busy," Asuka says, her voice muffled by the pillow she's slung across her face. Rei barely hears it over the music; she too hops onto Asuka's bed, perching carefully on the edge, so she will not take up too much of Asuka's space.
"All week?" she asks, peering down at her friend. When Asuka does not reply, or perhaps speaks too softly to be heard, Rei leans over and grabs the pillow from her. "Asuka?" Asuka nods, her jaw set in a hard line, though in her eyes Rei can see a plea not to ask anything more. Rei shrugs and releases the pillow- Asuka has answered her, and though it's not entirely truthful, it will satisfy her for now. "And the music?"
This time Asuka twitches visibly; a narrowing of the eyes, a hunching of her shoulders. Her eyes dart over to the speakers she's placed on top of her one bookshelf, its contents covered with a thin layer of dust, one shelf burdened near the point of collapse. For a moment Rei thinks Asuka will not tell her anything about this- and that would be fine- but then Asuka stands, moving over to the speakers, and yanks her phone out from the socket.
The music dies with a short crackling of static. Asuka tosses her phone back onto her bed, following it herself. "Listen," she mutters, and her voice is so low and tired that it doesn't sound like it is Asuka speaking, but someone else.
Rei tilts her head, confused, but she obeys. For a long moment she hears nothing, ears straining for whatever it is that Asuka wants her to listen for. And then she understands: the voices from before were not some remnant from Asuka's music, but echoes from two rooms over, where the unintelligible shouting of Asuka's parents can be heard.
Asuka has reclined on the bed, her fingers playing nervously with the sheets. She gazes at the ceiling, waiting for Rei to say something, her face tense and drawn. Rei is struck with this sudden urge to reach over and place her hand atop Asuka's, if only because this might comfort her far beyond anything she would have to say. Instead she scoots over until her shoulder bumps with Asuka's and whispers, "All week?"
"All week," Asuka replies, and there's not even a hint of fire in her- just resignation. "Tonight's the worst yet."
"Yet?"
"It's been on and off for months. They fight over everything now. Probably 'cause I'm going to be leaving this shithole soon." Asuka snorts, her hands clutching the sheets with an intensity so fierce and sudden that Rei thinks Asuka's going to hurt herself. "'Cause my stepmom can't stop being an overbearing, controlling bitch for one fucking day. It... it didn't use to be this bad."
"I'm... sorry," Rei says. It's all she can say: Asuka loathes it when others pity her, even if that other is Rei. Her arms brush something warm and soft; Rei has, without realizing it, pulled Asuka into a hug. Asuka tenses beneath her, shoulders stiffening. Of course; it would make sense, after everything Rei's seen tonight, that what Asuka needs is not to be contained, but to be allowed to express herself.
Rei, on the verge of moving away, finds herself stopped by a hand on her arm. Its grip is crushing, bordering on painful, but in the next moment it's gone and Asuka's body collides with hers; a pair of arms are flung around her shoulders, and Asuka presses her face against Rei's shirt, breathing heavily.
Now Rei is the one taken aback by this sudden gesture, the one frozen with uncertainty. Asuka has not let go. She needs this, Rei realizes, just as much as she herself does, this gentle embrace that's somehow calming despite its urgency. Worried for Asuka as she is, this hug makes it bearable.
In the quiet that settles over them, they can still hear Asuka's parents fighting. "It sticks," Asuka mutters. "What they do. It sticks to everything in this damn house. The kitchen counter doesn't look the same after you see someone slamming their fist against it every night." Asuka turns her head, settling it on Rei's shoulder, her voice drowning out the others, if only temporarily. "I get it if you don't wanna stay, Rei. I don't know how I put up with it myself."
"Asuka?" Rei whispers. "If you really want, you can come stay with me. Mom won't mind. You'll just have to put up with Shinji."
"What, I don't do that already?" Asuka looks up, a hint of her laugh shining through her blue eyes before vanishing; Rei sees it disappear, suffocated by a frustration that over time has simmered down into a feeble attempt at anger. "Nah. Don't need to give her another reason to start screaming about shit. I've put up with her for what, ten years and going? A few more months won't kill me. But... thanks."
"Well, I'm not going to leave."
"I don't have a sleeping bag." Asuka sounds surprised, both that Rei is staying and that she hasn't thought of this arrangement before. But of course she wouldn't have; Rei hasn't come over since they were little and could still fit in the same bed, and there's been no need for a sleeping bag since. "H-here." Asuka's arms slide away, and she hops off the bed. "You take it. I'll-"
"You live here," Rei says almost immediately. "You should sleep on the bed."
Asuka stands framed against the window, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Rei expects her to disagree; it's in Asuka's nature, and tonight it might give her some measure of control, something she can hold on to despite the chaos around her. But she just nods, looking more defeated than anything else. "We'll share. But it's a bit small."
"That's fine." Rei nods and moves over, one half of her body practically dangling off the bed. Asuka climbs in, tugging the sheets over them both, and from up close Rei thinks she looks thoroughly resigned. Like Rei could suggest anything she wanted, and Asuka would agree. "I'll leave early tomorrow and go home," Rei says. "So my mom doesn't worry about me."
"Okay." There it is again, that fatigue in Asuka's voice. "Thank you for telling me."
"You know..." Rei sucks in a breath. "You know I wouldn't leave unless I had to."
"I know."
"Asuka..."
She wants to say something, but what does one say to someone whose response will only be to say yes? Rei sighs and curls up on her side of the bed, her feet sticking out from under the sheets. She kicks her shoes off and they land neatly beside Asuka's desk, one atop the other. "Good night, Asuka," she murmurs, turning her head to the side, but Asuka is facing away. This too, somehow, makes sense.
"Okay," Asuka replies, her voice small and tired. "Good night, Rei."
It seems like there is something else to be said, but Rei cannot find it. She wonders, until the warmth from the covers seeps beneath her skin- Asuka's warmth?- and lulls her to sleep.
Asuka can't sleep. She can't, not with Rei beside her, not with her parents still going on, not in the living room; no, they've moved on to somewhere else, probably the kitchen or the front hall, where one of them will have grabbed their jacket and slung it on, plainly threatening to leave the house and Asuka behind (it's never the other, it's always Asuka that's the problem). But of course they'll be back together in the kitchen the morning after, mildly eating their toast and pretending nothing had happened the night before.
Asuka turns over, the springs creaking beneath her, and stares at Rei. She's fallen asleep despite the shouting- how she did it, Asuka wishes she knew- and her heart starts beating a little faster. It's pitiful actually, how much she wished that Rei would suggest they share the bed, how much she needed Rei to comfort her when before Rei arrived, she was doing just fine.
It's struck her, multiple times in fact, on how this could quite possibly border on inappropriate. She's already locked her door, she did that when the fighting started, but there's something different about sharing a bed with Rei now, probably because she's in love. Yes, that has to be it. But Rei looks peaceful, and she's stayed in spite of everything, so really- how bad can it be?
Rei is here.
Again, Asuka's heart beats a little faster. Rei is here.
The fighting is getting louder again, coming through the hall; her father, Asuka imagines, now stands in the doorway of his bedroom, shouting down the hall while her stepmother will wait in the living room for him to fall asleep, or barring that, fall asleep herself on the couch.
In the morning Asuka will wake up and drag herself to school on five hours of sleep at best, but for now, Rei is here. Asuka scoots closer, pulling her feet onto the bed. At last the yelling has subsided, and now all Asuka hears is Rei's breathing, slow and peaceful. An urge strikes her, a desire to curl up against Rei and hold her between her arms- but would that be crossing a line?
It might be. Rei has expressed her aversion to being touched, but then what was that hug from before? Maybe tonight is an exception. Maybe Rei's changed her mind.
One arm then, Asuka decides. One arm, so that Rei can still leave when she needs to, so that Asuka can say she must've rolled over in her sleep, she's sorry, they'll move on from there. Asuka moves over, the space between them almost negligible, and extends an arm to drape it over Rei's shoulders. Rei sighs; her lips twitch, but she does not wake. Asuka won't have to explain why she decided to do that, their friendship will not be at risk of fragmenting; it is the one thing gone right, and now Asuka can rest.
Rei wakes early, roused by the sun shining through Asuka's window and into her eyes. There's a heaviness to her body that wasn't there the night before; she sits up, and is surprised when Asuka's arm slides down her side to land in the space between them. Rei realizes, looking at the still-sleeping Asuka, that she had no plan when she climbed in through that window; what if Asuka's parents had come in, or what if she hadn't been woken by the sun?
Rei's eyes wander across the room, eerily still in the morning light. Little motes of dust float around the room, catching and reflecting the sun. It seems that even Asuka's room wants her to stay, if even for a little longer, so it won't be as empty, so there'll be one more presence filling the place.
Rei slides off the bed and wanders over to where her shoes lie by Asuka's desk. Paper shifts beneath her fingers when she goes to steady herself against it, and she stops in the middle of picking up one shoe.
Of course the desk is different; it would be ludicrous to expect that after so many years, Asuka would keep it the same. But there is something there, Rei thinks, waiting to be found, if only she can puzzle it out.
Her gaze skates across the desk, slowly taking everything in. There's an empty tissue box on the edge of the desk, leaning up against the wall; Asuka's homework is scattered all around, done in her usual scrawl of messy writing (messier than usual, this time?); beneath those, stacked in haphazard piles and seemingly shoved away to be forgotten, are college applications. Rei doesn't recognize any of the names, but to her they evoke a sense of a place far from here, one much quieter. Somewhere, Rei thinks, her stomach twisting, where Asuka can find happiness.
Rei slips into her shoes without further delay, stepping carefully between the piles on the floor. She wishes she could stay longer, help Asuka organize her things into some form of order, but she needs to go.
Asuka's shifts in her sleep, her arm forming a half-circle on the bed. Rei imagines going and laying on it, but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be Rei and Asuka, just Rei.
Rei walks over to Asuka's side and leans over, watching her for a moment. She reaches down, pulling back the hair that's fallen over Asuka's face in her sleep and tucking it behind her ear. She drags the covers up the bed, tucks them around Asuka's shoulders, and stands back. It isn't anything like how Kyoko would've done it, but it'll do.
She needs to go. Rei climbs out the window, reaching up to close it once she's outside, but stopping. She stands, for a moment, with the toes of her shoes in the dew-covered grass growing just under Asuka's window, and thinks. It's fairly early in the morning, and school won't be starting that soon. There's still time for one last thing to be done.
Rei will not confess to Asuka; not now, Asuka doesn't need another uncertainty in her life. What she needs is for someone to be there, and Rei is determined that someone will be.
Yes, Asuka will wake up alone, but when she does she will find on her desk a cup of coffee from the bakery down the street, still warm, like she'd once mentioned to Rei in passing- two creams, four sugars.
And she'll think, Rei is still here.
II
Through some measure of serendipity, Rei and Asuka have found their way into Asuka's backyard again. They've taken a different path, following the level ground below the ridge they climbed the time before. Asuka's stepmother is gone again (Asuka won't say where, just that she's 'out'); she'll be back before dinner, but it's still afternoon and the clouds are covering the sun, making the heat bearable.
Rei trudges along behind Asuka, leaves and dried twigs crunching beneath her shoes. Asuka's been doing better since that night Rei climbed through her window, but she's still quieter, and every few minutes she kicks at something in the dirt, sending pebbles and sticks tumbling along the path.
As always, there's something to be said. Rei just doesn't know what. She nudges a clump of dirt that Asuka's dislodged with one of her kicks, and it falls apart at her touch. She worries that Asuka might do the same, one day.
The path forks ahead again, though not so much a fork as a divide made by a fallen tree, its trunk nearly half as tall as Asuka. Rei walks around it with Asuka, and together they stare at the inside, a mass of holes and tunnels no doubt carved out by insects. "Huh," Asuka says, bobbing her head like this fallen, desiccated tree has told her something profound. Maybe it has, Rei thinks, watching Asuka shuffle her feet in the dirt.
Now's a good time to speak. Asuka is beside her rather than ahead, and this way she can see how Asuka reacts.
"How are your classes?" Rei asks. That should be a safe topic- no mention of home, not yet, something to thaw out their silence.
"You should know," Asuka says, beginning to walk around the tree. "You're in half of them."
"Well, tell me about the other half."
Asuka laughs, soft and gentle; she turns back to look at Rei, and the sun glimmers off her eyes. "They're normal. What did you expect?"
"I don't know. Maybe a pop quiz on the first day, or something like that. Those kinds of things happen around you."
"Then you're lucky you're not in more classes with me." Asuka stops at the other end of the tree, prodding one of the branches with her finger. "I wonder how long this thing's been lying here. Probably longer than I've been alive." A bitter frown works its way cross her face, disappearing beneath another exasperated sigh. "Wish we could've come up here more."
You couldn't control that, Rei wants to say, it's not your fault. But Asuka will only take those words as evidence of her perceived failures, so Rei stays quiet, up until Asuka stumbles over a branch obscured by leaves and starts to topple forward. Rei reaches for Asuka, catches her by the elbow and steadies her. "Be careful."
"I know, I'm fine." Asuka's eyes dart to the hand upon her arm, but a moment later she looks away, her gaze following the slow rise of the forest into the distance. "Come on, let's keep going. She's not gonna be back for a while."
"Alright," Rei says, and releases Asuka. She would like to keep holding on, to feel Asuka's warmth against her hand for even just a moment longer, but in some strange reversal Asuka is the one who's been avoiding contact, and Rei can accept this.
Asuka walks on, navigating between the trees. These ones have some green on them, little needle-like leaves in their last weeks of life; they cling to Asuka's clothing as she brushes up against them, their points digging through the fabric and into her skin.
She leads Rei up what turns out to be a hill, not quite the highest point in the forest, but high enough to see the city sprawled out beneath them, roads and houses and buildings stretching to the horizon, and far beyond that.
Asuka leans up against a tree with a trunk so big that, Rei thinks, if she and Asuka each reached around it from one end, they wouldn't be able to touch each other. Asuka pats her hand against it, looking up into the branches. "This one looks climbable," she says. "Can I?"
Rei pauses, taken aback; why is Asuka asking her for permission, when this is her backyard, her idea? "Do you think you can make it down?"
"Yeah. Not a problem." Asuka swings her arms, hops up on the lowest branch, and begins to climb upward. "Come on, Rei. It'll be great up there."
"I don't think it's a good idea-"
"Rei..." Rei expects Asuka to roll her eyes, chide her for being too afraid, but instead what leaves her is a quiet, "Please?"
Rei shrugs, hoisting herself into the branches with both arms and a leg propped against the trunk. She follows Asuka up the tree, the two of them navigating the maze of leaves with purpose, though most of it comes from Asuka. Rei is merely mimicking her, pausing when Asuka does, stepping where she steps. Rei's hands linger on the bark where Asuka's hands have been as she waits for Asuka's next move, a little hop between two branches or the careful gripping of a knob on the trunk, and if this was all that Rei would receive, the remnants of Asuka's touch, she will be content.
Then there's a cracking sound from above; Asuka's feet wobble just below Rei's eye level, and something plummets down past Rei's face on its way to the ground some thirty feet below. Rei looks up, her eyes wide. Asuka is looking down at her, a shaky smile on her face. "Guess we should stop here," she says. "The tree doesn't want me going any higher."
Rei returns Asuka's smile and begins to take the first step down, but Asuka's voice stops her. "Where are you going?"
"Climbing down."
"Sit up here for a while. It's nice." Asuka carefully lowers herself onto the branch, its width more than enough to accommodate her, and shuffles out a little ways from the trunk. She pats the space beside her, and from the way her eyes shine in the sun Rei knows Asuka wants her to climb up beside her.
"Are you sure it'll hold us?"
"You're kidding, right? This thing could hold you, me, Shinji, and Kaworu, if we could all fit up here. It's just for a little bit. Come on."
It would be reckless of Rei to climb up beside Asuka, but that's just what she does, planting one foot against the trunk and reaching for the branch. Asuka's hands grip hers instead, and haul her up with a single motion.
"Thanks," Rei says, strangely unable to meet Asuka's eyes. She feels that if she does, she won't be able to look away, and all her quietly kept secrets will spill out for Asuka to see.
"No problem," Asuka releases one of Rei's hands, but seems to keep hold of the other. It takes Rei a moment to look down and realize that Asuka, in fact, is not holding her hand, but rather that the space they're sitting on is too small to fully seat them both. True, the branch extends further, but if this is what Asuka wants, to be cramped into a tiny, self-defined space where they can't rest without their hands touching, Rei will not say anything about it.
"You know there's a bet going around to see which of the guys can hug me first?" Asuka says. She laughs, her feet kicking at the air like one might kick at water from a poolside. The branch stays motionless, leaves rustling in the wind. "We should make a bet, too. Like how many of them I'll have to throw over my shoulder before they get the hint."
"I have the feeling it'll be more than the number of guys in our year."
"Think they'll get the juniors in on it, too? They wouldn't dare."
"I think someone might try more than once. One of the guys who keep bothering you, probably... Tai might."
"Then it's his funeral." Asuka's hand shifts atop Rei's, fingers slipping between hers, nails digging just slightly into the soft bark. Rei imagines Asuka squeezing, carving out five small lines in a portion of the tree no one but they will ever see, a sign that says 'Asuka and Rei were here' in the language of affection. That won't happen, but she can pretend it did, go back down the hill and say to herself that there is a tree in the forest behind Asuka's house that they've claimed as their own.
"You didn't wake me up when you left." Now Asuka looks at Rei, and her expression is troubled. "You know, that night you came over? Why didn't you wake me up?"
"I... you needed your sleep."
"But the sunrise," Asuka protests, and Rei understands at last what Asuka is trying to say. She's speaking of Rei's inexplicable love of sunrises and sunsets, those once a day occurrences that, despite their similar natures, never fail to be unique. It's one of their unspoken traditions; when they're together, and the sun is near the horizon, they will watch it rise or fall, and Rei will smile that rare smile of hers, something for only the sun and Asuka to see.
"I didn't want to wake you up, after all that. Anyway, the sun was already up."
Doubt flickers across Asuka's gaze. If they were together, now would be when Rei leans across the branch to kiss the bridge of Asuka's nose and reassure her; I love you, don't worry about me, it's fine.
Only, they're not together, not in that sense. They're just sitting on a tree branch, hands intertwined, overlooking their city being slowly consumed by the golden glare of the sun.
"I wish we could stay up here," Asuka mutters, her feet slowing, stopping. "I wish we could stay here forever. I don't wanna go back."
"I could stay again. Call mom and tell her. I don't think she'd mind."
"Your bike's in the garage. She'll see it when she gets back."
"Oh," Rei says. Asuka squeezes her hand, an actual, physical pressure against Rei's palm.
"Anyways, I have shit to do. Homework. College apps. Soundproofing my room."
"Asuka-"
"Not that last one."
"I wasn't going to say anything about that. I just wanted you to know that... you can come over if you need to." Rei's eyes follow the pained shaking of Asuka's head, and she feels the pressure on her hand double.
"I'll think about it," Asuka says. Then her shoulders hunch and her hand is slipping away from Rei's; she stands, carefully stepping around Rei and grabbing on to the trunk, and points at the ground below. "Let's go. Before she gets back."
Rei lets Asuka lead them down, the branches rattling under their feet as they descend. The sun has begun its final progression down the sky by the time they touch down on solid earth, and Asuka's beginning to trudge ahead when Rei reaches for her, grabbing the sleeve of her jacket. "Wait," she says.
"Rei-" Asuka begins to protests, but stops, following Rei's finger as it points to something in the distance.
There's nothing out there, not to Asuka's eyes, only the blinding glint from the sun and the occasional reflection of a car on a street. Then, tucked under the shadows of some trees, so distant that they might as well be reflections themselves, Asuka sees them- the first of the streetlights beginning to turn on, casting pale white circles on the concrete where no one can yet see them.
"Alright." Rei smiles up at Asuka. "Now we can go."
"Hold on," Asuka says, eyes scanning the horizon. Rei has shown her the streetlights, but now she wants to find her own, a little white ball of radiance that'll wink at her from a street corner or an empty sidewalk. She squints her eyes against the sunlight, looking until she knows that waiting any longer will cause them to be late.
As Asuka starts to hurry down the slope, she wonders why Rei hadn't said anything, hadn't pulled her along to try and get her to move. It couldn't be that Rei was trying to help her look, or perhaps she knew that Asuka was searching for something, and shouldn't be interrupted. Asuka looks back at Rei, the sunlight spilling off her skin and shining in her hair, and her breath stops in her throat. Rei, it seems, is what she was looking for all along.
III
There is music in Rei's ears. It's coming from her phone, perched on the nightstand beside her; her hand feels its way across the wooden surface, finds the phone, and reels it in. Rei struggles to open her eyelids, weighed down by an overwhelming desire to ignore the sound of her phone's alarm and go back to sleep.
One problem- this isn't Rei's alarm. Rei manages to open one eye and scrunches it up at the screen, struggling to make sense of it. The display tells her it's 4 AM on a Saturday. Below that, in all capitals (of course, she deserves nothing less), is Asuka's name.
Rei blinks. She opens her other eye, blinks again. By the time she's realized that this is Asuka calling rather than some alarm, the phone is on its last of five rings. She hurries to answer, fumbling with the lock on her phone, and speaks with an urgency that she doesn't hear, but rather feels- a rapid pounding in her chest. "Hello? Asuka?"
Silence. Rei moves the phone away from her ear and looks down; the screen tells her the call has connected, but Rei can't make anything out. Maybe she's just missed Asuka, she thinks, or maybe this isn't Asuka calling at all, but some combination of her phone falling off the bed and landing just the right way- what would the odds of that be?
Then Asuka's voice issues from the phone, still clasped between Rei's hands, and Rei almost misses it. "Oh, hey. You're up," Asuka says. She sounds strange, but it's probably the phone distorting her voice; never mind that it's four in the morning and neither of them should be awake.
"I just got up. I thought it was an alarm. You calling me." Rei frowns and rubs her eyes, turns her head to look outside. It's still dark, save for the light from a single window across the street. "Asuka?"
"Go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up."
"Asuka-"
"It's nothing."
"Asuka. There has to be a reason you called me."
Another pause, a long one. Rei holds the phone closer to her ear, and through it she's almost certain she can hear Asuka breathing hard. "Look," Asuka says. "I just called you to tell you I'm fine."
"Why wouldn't you be?" Rei asks, and she regrets this immediately. There are a multitude of reasons Asuka would not be fine, and she can probably guess the biggest one. "Do you need to come over?"
"Didn't I just say I was fine?" Asuka makes a noise, a strangled sort of laugh that sounds more like the beginnings of tears. "They wouldn't stop, Rei. I had to leave."
"Leave..."
"They probably don't know I'm gone. I just need to clear my head, or something-"
"Tell me where you are." It's not a request, and it doesn't sound like one. Rei sits up, hops off her bed and walks over to her closet. "Asuka?"
"Don't bother, Rei. Go back to sleep. I said I'll be fine."
"Asuka, where are you? I'll go to you."
"Rei-"
"No. I'm not leaving you alone. Tell me where you are, or I'll go out there and find you myself."
There's a crackling over the phone, too gentle to be static; it might be Asuka trying to laugh again. "Okay," she says. "Fine. I'm at the park. The one like... four miles from my place. The one we used to play in all the time? You remember that one?"
"I do." That park would be hard to forget; it rests in her memory as one of the better parts of her childhood, one not riddled with illness or loss, when she and Asuka and sometimes Shinji would go there at first to play, then simply to be there longer with each other.
Rei grabs a sweatshirt and pulls it over her shoulders, exchanges her sweatpants for a pair of jeans. "You stay there, okay?" she tells Asuka. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Okay," Rei hears Asuka say, and goes to hang up. Then Asuka says, "Rei?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"I'll be there," Rei says again, and tucks the phone into her pocket. She trusts Asuka to end the call; meanwhile, she will have to sneak into the garage, retrieve her bicycle, and leave without being heard. An easy task, if a needlessly complicated one. But Rei will do it, she won't be caught, and she will get to Asuka. There is nothing in this world that can stop her from doing so.
They wouldn't stop yelling. That's what Asuka remembers, the yelling; not what it was about or what started it in the first place. Just the argument, stretching for far longer than the previous ones; her father's fist thumping the walls; the rumbling of something, furniture or perhaps even solid, crystallized rage, permeating the foundation of the house itself.
She recalls, in a haze of music battering at her ears to drown out the shouting, looking out the window of her bedroom and realizing it would be so much quieter if she could just go outside. And once she'd opened her window and let the cold air in, there was no going back; she'd pulled on the torn pair of sneakers kept beneath her bed and wedged herself through the window (not at all graceful, like Rei had been), clawing her way out into the silence.
She'd stood there, the untied laces of her shoes drooping in the damp earth, thoroughly confused. They were still shouting in the house behind her, the music she'd been playing was no longer there to drown them out- she'd turned off the speakers before she went through the window.
Asuka, seated on a bench at the far end of the park, laughs. She leans over, rests her elbows on her thighs, and places her head in her hands. In the silence that ensued, what had she been supposed to do? She hadn't thought of that.
So she'd started walking. She walked until the rows of identical houses began to give way to wider roads and stoplights, store fronts and street signs. There were the echoes of frost on the sidewalk as she trudged on, her path illuminated by the neon signs ahead and behind her rather than the streetlights above, their flickering like the pulse of the city- asleep, but trying to rouse itself into waking.
She'd walked without stopping, and now she's here. Asuka doesn't know what to do with this, either. Rei is supposed to be on her way, but only because Asuka called her in a moment of indecision. For all of Asuka's confidence, feigned or not, it seems she has none of it left within her now to meet Rei with. So what does that make her?
A coward, she supposes. She's run away from home, she's making Rei come to her, and for what? To sit in an empty park, while Asuka tries to pull herself together?
Asuka sighs, reaching for her phone. She should just call Rei now, and tell her to turn around. She should return home, slip through the window before anyone realizes she's gone, and pretend this was all a dream, and everything's been fine all along. Just curl up under the sheets in her room and tell herself she's not lost, that in half a year it'll be summer and she'll be gone.
Rei will be gone, too.
Metal creaks, sounding too close to be the swings on the opposite end of the park. There's a pressure on the other end of the bench, and out of the corner of her eye Asuka sees grey and a hint of blue. Rei has arrived, yet Asuka has nothing to say to her, nor can she think of anything.
She could try to pretend everything's alright. Feign a smile, a hug, and send Rei on her way. The bench creaks again, and Rei is scooting closer, her shoulder brushing gently against Asuka's. The lie dies in Asuka's throat, not even fully formed. She doesn't need to say anything, she realizes. She knows Rei will wait for her. That she is here speaks volumes enough.
Asuka's face is a mess of emotion- her eyes darkened by the circles underneath them and her mouth set in a guarded line; in a word, she looks drained. Her eyes stay focused straight ahead as Rei sits down beside her, not even looking over when she's closed the distance between them. She might be watching the light across the road, or maybe she's looking past it at the houses lining the sidewalk, imagining herself asleep inside one of them.
Rei shifts her hand, brushing her fingers against Asuka's. They're cold, but before Rei can begin to ask how long Asuka's been out here, Asuka is falling sideways, her head landing on Rei's shoulder and nuzzling against her sweatshirt.
If Rei wanted to ask something- and she does, more than she lets on- now would be the moment. But Asuka needs a break; what she does not need is someone prodding her for answers, not when she's worn down like this. Rei slowly pulls her arm out from under Asuka and wraps it around her, pulling her closer. She'll let Asuka be the one to break the silence; Asuka's parents, Rei imagines, have done that enough for her.
For a moment, all Asuka does is breathe. It sounds harsh and somewhat forced, like she's holding something back, perhaps an outburst of her own. Rei tilts her head and rests it atop Asuka's, like how they'd been when they were sitting in her garage what seems like weeks ago.
There's a stop in Asuka's breathing, a little gasp. Her eyes, Rei notices, have finally left the street. They now stare up at the sky, shining brighter than they should be under the moonlight. "You're not mad at me, are you?"
"Of course not," Rei says, and she's about to ask why when it becomes clear to her. Asuka is not with her yet; she's still trapped inside the echoes of that argument she heard, and of course Rei will be angry with her because why shouldn't she be?
"You sounded mad on the phone."
"I wasn't mad. Just worried about you."
"Right," Asuka mumbles, and Rei feels her chest tightening. Nothing she will say can make Asuka believe her, not now. She wishes she could just tell Asuka the truth, that she loves her, that's not what Asuka needs. How could Asuka trust her to love, when even her family can't do such a thing?
"I'm sorry for waking you up," Asuka says. Rei feels her shifting, like she's going to move away, and leans over.
"Shh." Rei squeezes Asuka's arm, and her movement ceases. Asuka's shoulder is rigid beneath her fingertips, like stone. Rei rubs at it, gently but persistently, as if her touch can scour away the tenseness and somehow convince Asuka to relax.
"They just wouldn't shut up." Asuka's scrunched her eyes shut; she bends over, hands forming fists that clutch at the fabric of her pants (light fabric, Rei notes, Asuka didn't change out of her pajamas). "I had to leave."
"I know," Rei says. She leans over, threads the fingers of her other hand through Asuka's hair. She expects a protest, maybe for Asuka to shove her away. Instead she earns a quiet sigh, and Asuka opens her eyes.
"I miss mom." Rei's fingers pause in Asuka's hair long enough for Asuka to catch her meaning. "It hasn't been the same." Asuka's eyes dart up, meeting Rei's, and Rei understands. This rift in Asuka's family that seems to only now be showing its face has been present since Kyoko died, and whether her stepmother realizes it or not, she will never, in Asuka's mind, be able to replace the role that Kyoko occupied.
"Sometimes I try to remember what she taught me," Asuka continues. "All I can remember are phrases, and I don't even know what half of them mean."
"Like what?"
"Like... na denn man tau. What does that even mean?"
"I don't know," Rei says, just so Asuka will have something to respond to. It would be better than silence and an uncomprehending look, which is all Rei has to offer in the face of Asuka's German.
"I'm sorry you have to put up with this." Asuka moves her head away from Rei's, but does not flee her embrace. The light is moving strangely in her eyes again, and for a moment Rei is seized by an urge to ignore her better judgment, to move herself forward and kiss Asuka, to let her know there is still love for her to be found in the world. She hears Asuka speak again, saying, "I'll figure it out." And now Rei wants to tell Asuka that she doesn't have to do everything by herself, only Asuka's eyes have closed again.
This time when Asuka falls, her head lands on Rei's lap. Her position strikes Rei as distinctly uncomfortable, but as she goes to shake Asuka's shoulder she realizes that the motion of Asuka's chest has steadied at last: she's fallen asleep. "How long have you been awake?" Rei whispers. Asuka sucks in a breath; her teeth chatter in reply. A soft breeze, undetectable to Rei in her sweatshirt, ruffles the edge of Asuka's shirt.
Rei raises her arms above her head and pulls her sweatshirt off- slowly, so she doesn't disturb Asuka. She drapes it over Asuka's body, tucks the sleeves around her shoulders. It's the second time she's done this in just as many months, but she knows it's not enough; it's a gesture, and it will only ever be just that.
With her sweatshirt off, Rei at last feels the cold prickling at her skin like tiny needles. There's still a good month until December, but the promise of snow is arriving- not now, but soon. When it finally comes, Yui will insist that Rei not leave the house (for her health, Yui will say, but Rei's been fine for years), and where will Asuka be then? Certainly not alone. If Asuka cannot make the trip to Rei's house, then Rei will find a way to her.
Rei sighs, her breath condensing, forming a white cloud in the air. It won't be long until the sun comes up and chases the cold away. There's no reason for her to wake Asuka, not from a much-needed sleep. She extracts her phone from her pocket and eyes the clock. Five-thirty. Yui doesn't get up until seven. They have time.
Or rather, Rei has time. Asuka has her dreams (am I in those dreams? Rei wonders), and Rei. In an hour, they'll have the sunrise. This time, Rei will wake Asuka and share it with her; show her the sun and hope that, if nothing else, will be enough to make her smile.
And it's a Saturday. Asuka can spend the night, Rei thinks; she will offer, and Yui will insist that Asuka stay. It will be the break that Asuka needs, and maybe- though Rei doubts this will happen- they can share the bed. But even if they don't, at least Asuka will be alright.
As Rei sits, the sounds of a city coming to life start to drift into the air around her. There's the revving of a car; there's the sound of a garage opening somewhere down the street; there in the distance is the rushing wind of cars rushing en masse on the freeway.
An hour or so after she fell asleep, Asuka begins to stir, shaking herself awake with a dazed expression on her face. "Rei?" is the first syllable out of her mouth, followed shortly by, "I fell asleep?"
"You did," Rei says. "You looked like you needed it, so I didn't wake you up."
"Fuck," Asuka mumbles, like a single hour of sleep at a time when no one else would be awake has inconvenienced her entire weekend's plan. "Fuck, it's cold, Rei. Can we go home?"
Asuka freezes as that last word leaves her lips. In the confused haze of waking, she has mistaken Rei's place as home, but Rei is smiling and picking her sweatshirt up, holding it out for Asuka to wear. "Sure. Let's go."
"Go..."
"Home. You wanted to go home." Rei watches Asuka wiggle her arms through the holes of the sweatshirt and jam her hands into the pockets. "Wait here a moment," she says, and jogs off. Asuka watches her go across the park to the knot of trees by the swings, where she'd stashed her bike under the shadows. She returns a moment later, leading her bike by the handlebars. "Okay. We can go now."
They start down the sidewalk, the concrete damp beneath their shoes and the rubber tires of Rei's bike. The streetlights have begun to go out, their lights flickering one by one, replaced by the first golden tendrils of the rising sun. One of them goes out as they pass beneath it. Rei takes one hand off the handles of her bike, extends it at the sun to say see, we can watch this one together. Asuka slides her hand out from the sweatshirt, reaching for Rei's hand and grasping it.
Together they continue, the streets growing thinner, the lights ahead of them going out faster. Asuka looks up and glares at the one they're about to pass under, daring it to flicker and go out, to take another something from this one, prolonged moment that she and Rei are enjoying.
Rei squeezes her hand.
The light remains on, as does the next, and the one after that- a radiant trail all their own, one that lingers long after they've gone, following them into the sunrise.