OK you guys gotta help me out! So this story isn't doing so well, and I've been wondering why. PLEASE PLEASE give me some feedback. What do you think should be done to make it better? Is it moving too slow? Is the Jeyna angst not happening fast enough? Is the Jason P.O.V. not interesting? You guys gotta gimme something!
PLEASE PLEASE HELP A SISTA OUT!
Hold on to me as we go As we roll down this unfamiliar road And although this wave is stringing us along Just know you're not alone 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home. Settle down, it'll be clear. Don't pay to mind to the demons they fill you with fear The trouble it might drag you down, If you get lost you can always be found Just know you're not alone 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home. - Phil Phillips, HomeSEPTEMBER 20, 2006 The Barracks
It's been almost two weeks since we've been back at camp. I've barely spoken to her. What would I even say? Truthfully, maybe I am a little afraid of her. What she did that night. That was terrifying. What if she touched me and I disintegrated?
But what if I can help her. How do I even help her? Would she want me to?
Why do I even care?
We trained that afternoon. Life was going back to its normal routine. Training, War Games, sentry duties, clean-ups. Reyna had extra responsibilities. Skippy was only allowed to stay after she insisted that she would take care of him herself and that she wouldn't ride him until she became an officer.
"How do you know you'll be an officer?" I had asked her.
"Oh I will," she had replied, her voice fiercely determined.
But that afternoon, she stopped me after training.
I was just turning to leave with Dakota when she said, "A word Grace."
I looked back at Kota who smirked at me, rolled my eyes at him, and then walked over to her.
"What's up?"
She pulled something from her bag and held it out to me.
"What's this?" I asked.
"Your file."
"My what?"
"Your file. They have a file on all the legionnaires."
"Who's they?"
She sighed. "The Praetors dumb-ass. Who else?"
I took the file and looked at it. "Wait! How did you get this?"
She shrugged.
"Did you break into their office and steal it?" I asked.
She shrugged again, non-chalantly. "It wasn't that hard."
I stared at her open-mouthed until she shifted uncomfortably. Then I cleared my throat and asked, "Why did you get this?"
"I thought you might like to know what happened with your sister. Maybe it's in there."
"Oh." I flipped the cover open and there was a picture of a beautiful woman staring up at me. Suddenly my mouth felt dry and my stomach felt as if it had dropped out of its usual position in my abdomen. I must have been staring at it too long because she reached out and touched my hand. I flinched and she pulled away quickly, a pained, guilty look on her face.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
I wasn't sure if I didn't want her to be so I said nothing.
"Look read it, don't read it. It's up to you. But it seems to me that you're still hung up about your sister. Maybe you can find some closure." She picked up her bag and shouldered it. "I'll see you around Grace."
She left me standing on the field, too emotionally conflicted to think straight.
SEPTEMBER 20, 2006 THE BARRACKS
I've picked up and put down that file about 10 times already. I don't know if I want to read it or not. I'm afraid of what I'll find in there. What if I find out my family is broken? Worse, what if I find out they're happy without me?
No, I don't want to read it. Ignorance is bliss.
I stuffed the file under my mattress with my journal.
The next afternoon, however, I pulled the folder out. I was restless – this file felt like it was haunting me. So I was going to give it back. Put it out of reach. Put it away for good.
I found her sitting on her bunk in the barracks for the Third. Her back was propped against her pillows, her knees pulled up towards her chest, her hands clutching an open book. There were other campers hanging out in their bunks – sleeping, talking to each other, and throwing things at each other. But she took no notice of them, completely engrossed in the book. I cleared my throat. Six eyes turned towards me – indignant, irritated, and surprised. But she didn't look up. Gods, she was exasperating.
"You may be the son of Jupiter," one of her bunk mates said, "But it still doesn't give you the right to come into our barrack."
"Yea, we wouldn't want you bringing all that Fifth loser in," another of her charming cabin mates said.
She finally looked up and when she saw me, she smirked. The nerve of her.
"Sorry guys. I'll do my best to keep the loser outside. But I need to talk to Reyna and if she won't come outside, I guess I'll just have to bring the loser in," I replied. Her cabin-mates all but kicked her out.
She glared at them before turning round and stomping off. When I finally caught up with her, she turned the glare on me. "Did you have to antagonize them?"
I shrugged. "One could say they antagonized me."
She sighed really loudly. "You're annoying." After a moment, she stopped and looked at me. "What?"
"What what?"
"What did you want with me?"
"Oh." I held out the file. "You can take this back."
She raised her eyebrows at me. Then she lifted her hand and took it from. She turned it towards her. "Did you read it?"
I shook my head. I thought getting rid of the file would make me feel better. But now I knew it was there, it existed, and it bothered me. The itch was getting worse.
She sighed, but I didn't think she was exasperated. It sounded more like she was sad. Why would she be sad? Why would she care?
"Jason, this isn't my business. But I know complicated families. Sometimes I wish I didn't know anything about my family, that I didn't have any memories of them. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to live with a fantasy than with everything I know." Her voice was growing hoarser and heavier as if all her experiences with her family was physically wearing her down. Looking at her, I thought, maybe they were. Her shoulders slumped forwards, her mouth turned downwards, her eyes looked haunted. She looked older when she spoke of her family. "But then I think maybe it wouldn't. It's easier to move on with my life when I know something definite about them. I'm not looking over my shoulder thinking about what could have been. I'm not wasting my life by trying to re-create the past. I know what happened and I choose to move on." She took a deep breath. "I think that maybe your fantasy of your family may be better than the reality, but if you knew the truth, then you could deal with it. Not with what-ifs. You wouldn't spend your whole life questioning who you are."
"I'm not questioning who I am."
She gave me a knowing look and I got the feeling she didn't buy that. "Take the file, Jason. Take your time. You don't have to look at it now. Think about it. But reclaim your past. Don't let it keep a hold on you." She held it out towards me.
I shook my head. "I can't. I don't want to know."
She stepped closer and put her right hand around my neck. "You are not alone, Jason. Look around you. This, New Rome, is your home. No one can ever replace your real family, true, but maybe some of us can make our own family."
I looked up at her. Her eyes were wide – earnest and needy. "You believe that?" I asked.
"I have to," she whispered. "I'll have nothing if I don't. Take it," she said, shoving it at me.
I took it from her, not sure if I would ever be able to look at it. She must have sensed my hesitancy because she said, "If you want, I can look at it with you."
I bit my lip. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this with anyone. But I also wasn't sure if I could this by myself. So I nodded. "When I'm ready," I said.
She nodded once and walked away.
The file stayed hidden for a whole month before I finally took it out again. And the reason I took it out? I was having nightmares of my mother. I kept hearing her voice in my dreams. Wait here. I will be back for you dearest, she taunted. I was homesick for a home I'd never really known. I'd barely slept in the past few weeks and it was starting to wear me down. So I'd had enough. What was that thing Reyna had said? Reclaim your past. Don't let it keep a hold on you.
Fine, I was going to reclaim my past. Let's hope it would at least give me some peace of mind.
So I stopped her after training. "I need your help," I grumbled. When I looked up at her I could swear she was trying not to laugh.
She had the decency to turn away. "Sure," she said, shrugging.
We walked into the city, side-by-side, not saying anything. She didn't seem to want to say anything. At first, I thought that was weird, but then I started thinking that maybe she just didn't feel the need to say anything. That there was something peaceful in all this. "You seem different," I said.
"Mmm-hmm? Different how?
"Just… peaceful. Less angry."
Her lips tightened, but she tried for a non-committal shrug. "My bunk-mates might disagree with you." She modulated her voice so she sounded like a whiny eight-grader. "Reyna you're such buzz-kill. You're so serious and all you want to do is train, train, train. You've got so much bad energy it's making me break-out." She let the imitation go. "Gods, they're so annoying. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME!" she yelled, flinging her hands up to the sky.
I frowned at her. "You're weird. Maybe they just don't get the weird." She narrowed her eyes at me, and I gave her a mischievous smile. Bumping into her I said, "Their loss."
She gave me a small, begrudging smile, bumped back into me, and took off down the road at a run. "Beat you to the city, Grace!" she taunted. I watched her go. Something bothered me. She seemed so at peace, so easy-going when she was with me. What were her bunk-mates missing? Suddenly something clicked, something that made me feel apprehensive. What if the variable was me? What if I made her feel at peace? I didn't want that kind of responsibility.
I dismissed the idea. How could I possibly make her feel that way? She barely knew me. I barely knew her. Being the son of Jupiter was already too much responsibility, I didn't know if I could be an emotional support for the angriest person in the world. I didn't want to carry her baggage around.
When I caught up with her, she wasn't even winded. She punched my arm and said, "If we were running from monsters, you'd be dead."
"Sorry," I muttered. "I got distracted.
She gave me a quizzical look but before she could say anything, I walked off, leading her towards my favourite café. We ordered our drinks and sat down at a table in a private corner. I laid the file on the table between us.
"I'm ready," I said.
She nodded gravely. I took a deep breath, and opened the file.
I don't how many hours passed or how many drinks we burnt through. All I know is that every page I flipped through made me feel worse and worse. By the time I was done, I was really depressed. I looked over at Reyna. She was looking at a picture of my mom. Her jaw clenched and her eyes had a steely edge to them. I knew that look - she was angry. But she took a deep breath and looked at me.
"What now," she asked.
"What do you mean?"
She pulled out the last page. "We have her address. We can find her. The only question is: do you want to?"
"We?"
"I'm not letting you do this alone."
"This is my family, Reyna. You don't have to bear this burden."
"I got you started on this. I can't leave you alone to finish it by yourself."
I felt like I should've told her that it was okay, that I could do it by myself. The truth was I was afraid, and even though I barely knew her, I felt like I needed her to be there. I needed someone to hold my hand. It was selfish, I knew that, but I couldn't refuse her help. So I nodded. "When would we go?"
"This weekend," she said firmly. "We'll go this weekend."
"Don't we have to get permission from the Praetors?" I asked.
"Leave that to me," she said. "I'll get it done."
I believed her.
Seriously, I LOVE you guys for taking some time for this story. Even if you just wanna read, that's cool :).