We were ready to go on Saturday afternoon. I don't how she convinced the Praetors to let us go, but the day before, after training, she told me to be ready to leave by two.
I was ready. To leave, I mean. To see my mom? Not so much. I didn't know whether we'd actually find her, whether she'd still be at the address we'd found, or if she'd even speak to me. I'd spent the last few days playing out scenes of how the whole thing could go, but how do you prepare to face the woman who gave birth to you and then abandoned you?
I found Reyna waiting for me in front of my barrack. She had the same backpack she'd carried when we quested together, but she'd given up the armor, so she looked almost ordinary – like any other 7th grader going to school – in her jeans and Camp Jupiter t-shirt and hair braided.
She nodded at me and said, "Alright, let's go."
I appreciated that she didn't ask if I was ready. I was beginning to think that she was very careful with her questions and comments. She knew exactly what to say to me.
I nodded and when she turned and headed out towards the gates, I followed her.
My mother had a gig in San Francisco performing at a small community theatre here. It seemed odd that my mother would settle for such a small, insignificant act. The hopeful optimist thought maybe she'd taken it to be closer to me. The spiteful side whispered that this was her fall from grace. That this was the best she could get.
Whatever her reasons, the taxi dropped us off in front of a shabby theatre 30 minutes later. The sign on top read
"The Presley Theatre"
and underneath, right in the middle, was a beat-up box office. It was dark, even though an old man sat in the booth, and the glass was cracked in several places. We headed towards it, Reyna marching ahead, back straight and stiff.
"We'd like tickets to a show, please," Reyna said.
The old man started, his head bouncing off the fist it was resting on. He stared at us like he hadn't seen customers in years, which, given the looks of the place, he hadn't. He continued to stare at us, until Reyna said again, "Tickets, sir. Please."
Another moment went by before he said in a wheezy voice, "Which show?"
"Ummmm…" I said. I didn't know which show featured my mother.
"The one with Beryl Grace. She's my favourite," Reyna supplied, putting on the brightest, girliest smile I'd ever seen. I grimaced, sure he wasn't going to buy it, but the old man tore two ticket stubs off a large roll with shaking hands and handed them to us.
"That'll be thirty dollars," he croaked.
Reyna fished the money out of her pocket, handed it to him, and grabbed the tickets.
We walked into the theatre. If the outside was ugly, the inside was downright terrifying.
"This is the part where the audience screams "DON'T GO IN THERE!"" I whispered.
She smirked at me. "Aww, would the widdle chicken like to wait outside?"
I elbowed her and she grinned at me.
"Which way?" I asked.
"Let's find the dressing rooms."
We walked up to the stage where the curtains were drawn. Reyna looked at me and raised her eyebrows in a "you first" kind of way, so I climbed up, and she followed me. We pushed our way behind the dusty, velvet curtains to find crew members bustling around – doing makeup, fixing costumes, mending the set. But no one spared us a glance. We slipped away into the corridor that led to the dressing rooms.
"Which one?" I whispered.
"She's the star, yea?"
"Yea."
"Then she'll probably have one all to herself. The biggest one." She looked around the corridor. "That one," she said finally, pointing to a big door at the end of the hallway. We walked up to it. The door was once red, but now the paint was peeling, the red so faded it looked almost brown. Three points of a gold star showed faintly against the red paint. But the name Beryl Grace was in bold black, starkly highlighted against the fading colours. She was new then.
Reyna looked at me and nodded. I took a deep breath, raised my left hand, and knocked.
"Is that you Sharon? Finally, you've kept me waiting long enough. I go on stage in thirty minutes, I needed that tea an hour ago," a woman called, grumpily, from the other side of the door. I looked at Reyna and she shrugged. It was all or nothing.
"It's not Sharon, it's your son Jason. Jason Grace."
There was silence from the other side of the door. Then – the scraping of a chair, and the crash of glass, and scratching at the door. Finally, the door opened inward and a pale, thin face peered out from behind it.
Her hair was in curlers, just as golden as I remembered. Her blue eyes were open wide with shock and fear, and staring down at me, sending a nervous jolt up my stomach. What I didn't remember was the paleness and the thinness.
She stared at me open-mouthed until I cleared my throat and said, "Hi. Mom."
Her mouth closed into a tight, red line. She narrowed her eyes and straightened up, pulling the door wider. "Come in," she said in a clipped voice.
I stepped in behind her and turned back to look at Reyna who was hesitating at the doorstep. "Aren't you coming?" I asked quietly.
She shook her head. "I shouldn't."
I panicked. "Please," I whispered, a desperate edge to my voice. I wasn't like her, I wasn't strong enough to do this on my own.
She looked me, mouth open ready to protest. I could see the 'No' on her lips, but perhaps the desperation registered, because she nodded. "Okay."
She stepped in behind me and my mother closed the door behind us. She walked over to the mirror and took a seat, fixing her lipstick as she stared at us in the mirror. I rolled my eyes, and I could see Reyna narrow her eyes at her.
"Jason darling," my mother crooned when she finally finished preening herself.
I gritted my teeth. I hated her at the exact same moment that I wanted her to love me. To want me back. I knew if she said, right here, right now, that she wanted me to come home with her, I would. I'd leave everything and wouldn't look back.
She stepped towards me, arms outstretched as if to embrace me. I stepped back from her, and she fumbled, dropping her arms.
"Why?" I whispered, my eyes widening.
There was a flash of pure anger in her eyes, but she blinked, and it vanished. I felt Reyna shift next to me.
"Jason," she whispered. I ignored her.
"Why, mother?" I asked again, louder and angrier.
She waved her hand irritably. "Because it had to be done Jason."
"Why?" I almost shouted.
She looked at me her eyes turning almost purple. Reyna shifted closer to me.
"Because you were a disgusting reminder," she snarled stepping towards me. "Because every time I looked at you, I saw him. And was reminded of the way he abandoned me. ABANDONED US!" she shouted, a purple fire radiating off of her.
She pounced, hands outstretched, but Reyna stepped in front of me. She pushed her hard, sending her crashing into the mirror behind her. Glass rained down around my mother and I moved to help her, but Reyna tugged on my arm.
"Come on!" she yelled pulling me towards to the door.
"I can't just leave her," I yelled back.
"We have to. Please." Her voice was desperate, pleading. "Please."
"No," I said. But Reyna was strong and she was dragging me behind her, out the door, through the hallway, out of the backdoor, and into a bright alley.
She let go of me and walked ahead, heaving hard, wringing her hands.
"What the hell Reyna?" I shouted, stomping towards her. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? YOU COULD'VE KILLED HER!" I pulled her shoulders around so that she was facing me. Her eyes were wild and filled with terror. She shook her head at me.
"Explain, Reyna!"
She shook her head even harder, looking down at the ground. Her whole body started to shake.
"REYNA ANSWER ME!" I shouted, shaking her roughly.
She sobbed. "I can't. I can't. I can't!" She stepped out of my grasp.
"What do you mean you can't?" Even to my ears, my voice was cold, mean.
It seemed to be cutting into her. She sank to her knees, put her hands on either side of her head and shook her head. "I can't. Please, I can't!"
But I was angry. At my mother who just admitted she hated me, at Reyna for dragging me here in the first place, for putting me through this.
"You, YOU told me that I should find out what happened. YOU told me that I should find closure. YOU dragged me out here. And just when I was about to get some answers you pull me away. You hurt my mother!" I yelled, bending over her.
She flinched. "She was going to hurt you!" she sobbed.
"She's my mother. She left me when I was two. What worse thing could she possibly have done? And how would you even know that?"
"I know. I know, I know." She was shaking so hard, and still she shook her head as if to emphasise each word. "Please. I can't tell you."
"You owe me that much Ramirez."
She collapsed. Tears were streaming down her face freely. She looked up at me, and her eyes were fractured, shell shocked. "I swear I didn't mean to. I swear!"
"You didn't mean to push her? Jee I wonder how I missed that!" I said, crossing my arms.
She was shaking her head between her hands again. "I didn't mean to I didn't mean to I didn't mean to." She was crying hard now, eyes clamped shut, her knees now tucked to her chest.
I frowned down at her. I couldn't understand why this would bother her so much. I crouched down in front of her, trying to pull her hands down. "Ramirez, why did you think my mother was going to hurt me?" I snarled. I didn't care she was crying, I didn't care that she was breaking down in front of me. All I knew was that she dragged me here, and just when I had a chance to sort things out with my mother, she'd blown it. "What the hell are you going on about?"
She finally looked up at me, hiccoughed, and said, "I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted him to get away from us. I thought – I thought he was going to kill my sister. I thought he was going to hurt us. I swear I didn't know, I didn't know-" She broke off, her body starting to tremble again.
I stepped back from her, a sense of dread starting to fill me. "Reyna, who- who did you kill?" I managed to stammer.
She shook her head. "Please, I can't."
"Reyna, tell me," I said firmly, sitting down in front of her.
She looked into my blue eyes and I could see that this was killing her – her brown eyes broken and traumatized. She looked back down and then I heard her whisper, "My father. I killed my father."
I recoiled. Patricide was the most dishonourable crime a Roman could commit. What Reyna had done – her sentence was death. And honestly, it terrified me. The more I learnt about Reyna, the more she terrified me.
She looked up at me and there was panic and desperation in her eyes. "Please, Jason." She reached towards me, but I flinched and pulled back. Her shoulders slumped forward and she dropped her hand. Her tears started drying up, but she was broken. I could see it – in the slump of her shoulders, in the blank numbness of her eyes.
I swallowed the revulsion. "Why?" I asked quietly.
"Because I thought he was going to hurt me and my sister. My father- Jason you don't know what he was like. He was terrifying and unstable. And one night," she curled up as small as she could, "one night he was in a fit of rage. He was yelling, furniture was flying everywhere. A chair hit Hylla and I thought he'd killed her. I was terrified and angry. So I picked up a knife and I ran at him. I didn't know it was Imperial Gold. I didn't know that it would hurt him like it did. I just wanted to scare him off. Please, I swear. Jason I swear." She looked up at me, her eyes pleading, fresh tears making the brown glisten. "Please Jason," she begged.
I looked down at her, my heart breaking. I couldn't believe that she was carrying that weight around. Pity swelled in my heart.
"Reyna-"
"I pushed your mom because she had the same look in her eye. The same purple fire that my father had. I don't know if-"
"JASON!" The back door slammed open and my mother ran out, half the curlers in her hair flying behind her. I jumped back and Reyna jumped to her feet, pulling her knife out.
"Get back mania! If you try to hurt him-."
My mother waved her aside. "There's no need for that child. Not yet, at least." She stepped towards me and before I could move back she grabbed my shoulders, holding me firm. Bending so her own face was level with mine, she murmured, "Jason, my son, my baby," gazing into my eyes. Her own were clear - no purple fire, no madness.
"Mom," I murmured, brushing some curls away from her face.
She pulled me into a tight hug and peppered kisses onto my head. I buried my face in her chest, inhaling her familiar lemony scent. After a few moments, she pushed me back. "Let me look at you," she said. "Look how you've grown, how handsome you are. And the scar from when you tried to eat a stapler. You still have it!" She laughed joyously, her voice like a fresh breeze. I grinned at her. She straightened and looked back down at me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Tears were streaming down her face, her voice cracking on her sobs.
"Why mom?" I asked quietly. "Please just tell me."
"I had to Jason. She wouldn't let us live in peace. If I didn't give you up, she would've taken both you and your sister. And I was too weak to try and fight her. I let myself be consumed with pride and vanity. It stung that your father left us."
"Who wouldn't let us mom?"
"His wife. Juno." Her eyes flashed angrily, but the purple fire wasn't there. "We named you after her favourite hero to appease her, but she still demanded tribute. She wanted you Jason. She wanted you to be hers. And I let myself be bullied. I thought it was the only way to save the rest of our family. But I destroyed it." She stooped in front of me and took my hands in hers, rubbing her thumbs over the back of my hands. "Right after I left you, Thalia ran away. She hated me, couldn't even look at me. And I don't blame her. I thought the greatest thing I'd ever done was woo a god. But I was wrong Jason. The greatest thing I ever did - ever had - was you and your sister. And I let it all slip away." She squeezed my hands and looked up at me. "I know it won't mean much to you, but you should know that I loved you very much Jason. And before I go, I need to ask if you can forgive me."
"Go? Go where? I'm here now."
"I don't have much time Jason. You saw what happened in there. It's only a matter of time before the madness consumes me and I am lost forever. I don't want you to see that happen to me. I don't want it to ruin you. She cupped my cheeks with both her hands. "You're too good, too precious."
I glanced at Reyna over my mother's shoulders – she was the paragon of what a person would become if a loved one descended into madness in front of them. But I couldn't just let my mother walk away. Not when I was so close to getting her back.
I put my hands over hers and squeezed them. "Please, mom. Don't go. Come to camp with me. We can help you."
She pressed a kiss to my forehead and smiled ruefully. "I have to go Jason. Deep in here," she pointed to my heart, "you know that. Find your sister Jason. Find her, and mend our family. Just because I'm not around doesn't mean that our family is broken. Please. And when you find her, tell her – tell her, I love her," she sobbed.
"Mom-"
"And you," she said, turning back to Reyna and ignoring me. Reyna straightened, tightening her grip on her knife. My mother walked over to Reyna and took her by the shoulders, lowering her face once more to hers. "You're his friend?"
Reyna's eyes flicked to mine and without looking away, she nodded.
"Good," my mother said. Reyna pulled her gaze back to my mother. "I'm glad. He could use a friend like you. Strong. Fierce. Will you watch over him?"
She nodded.
"Promise me!" she said loudly, shaking Reyna.
"I promise," Reyna stammered.
"Good. Jason, I'm leaving now. I'm going to a hospital I pray will be able to help me. If they can, I will find you. If not, I'm glad I got to say goodbye." She pressed a kiss to my forehead again and turned and walked away.
I followed, shouting, "Mom! Mom!"
She sped up and when I reached the end of the alley I saw her get into a car and drive away."
"Mom! MOM!" I screamed, running after her. I knew it wouldn't do any good, that she wouldn't stop, but I would've done anything to change her mind.
I stopped running, staring after the car, and even when it disappeared I kept staring, hoping she'd come back. My cheeks were wet. I hadn't realized I'd started to cry.
Reyna came up beside me.
"She left. She left me again." I murmured.
"She had to," Reyna whispered quietly. I could feel her looking up at me and I turned towards her.
"We're supposed to be a family. She's supposed to stay. She's my mother."
"Being family means protecting your own. She left because she needed to protect you from herself. From her own demons."
"But she's my mom," I insisted weakly. I didn't know what else to say. I sat down on the pavement, too shocked to say anything more, too shocked to stand. The tears kept flowing.
Reyna sat beside me, took my hands and covered them with hers. She didn't say anything, just held my hand while I cried. When I sobbed "She's my mom" again, Reyna squeezed my hands, and suddenly I felt…better. I suddenly felt more peaceful. I sniffed and looked up at Reyna, frowning at her.
"You'll be okay Jason," she murmured, stroking my hands. Wave after wave of resilience washed over me.
"Are you doing that?"
She frowned. "Doing what?"
"This."
"This what?"
"Making me feel like this."
"You're blaming your sadness on me?" she said indignantly, pulling her hands away. Immediately, the sadness overwhelmed me, I grabbed her hands back.
"It IS you," I said in wonder, staring at her hands.
"Then stop touching me if I'm the reason you're sad," she yelled.
I smiled at her. "Reyna, can't you feel it? You're not making me sad, you're making me… stronger, braver, more peaceful."
She stared at me. "Don't be ridiculous Jason. I can't do that."
"You can share your pain. Why can't you share your strength?"
She frowned at me, but I could tell the idea intrigued her. She tightened her grip on my hands and closed her eyes. A tidal wave of strength poured into me. Resilience, courage, willpower filled me up like I was an empty cup. I felt like I could deal with the devastation of a nuclear explosion.
"Rey, that's amazing!" I laughed.
She pulled her hands away, but the euphoric sensation didn't disappear immediately this time. She held them up and stared at them in wonder. "I did that?" she asked quietly looking at me. I nodded. She kept staring at her hands as if she was seeing them for the first time. Then she stretched out and placed them on my cheeks, rubbing my tears away. "Be strong Jason." And I felt her strength wash through me once more, washing the pain away.
OCTOBER 22 2006, THE BARRACKS
I found my mom and it was worse than I thought it would be. I found her and I lost her. Again. She's sick and I don't know if there's anything I can do to make her better. What I wouldn't give to be a child of Apollo now, to have healing powers. Or a child of Bacchus so that I could cure madness. Instead, I'm the son of the most powerful god and yet I'm completely powerless to help her. It's the worst kind of irony.
Wish I could have Reyna's strength. To carry my sadness but not let it bury me. She's so tiny, how does she do it?
We hadn't spoken much on our way back to camp and when we got here, she left my side right away. She looked more miserable than I felt, her shell-shock returning. I wanted to hold her hand again, try and pour some of my own strength into her, but I didn't know if that would work. I didn't know if I had any strength to give her.
I found her later that night, on a walk in the city. She was sitting at the edge of the dock, her feet dangling into the lake. I walked over and sat down beside her.
"Hey."
She didn't answer me. This time, I worked up the courage and took her hand, intertwining our fingers. I tried to imagine my strength flowing through me, into our hands, and into her. I don't know if it worked, she didn't say or do anything that made me think it did. But I didn't let go of her hand. I felt at peace with her hand there. It wasn't romantic. It was a deeper need than that. A need for that sense of peace.
Finally, she said. "Why haven't you told them yet?"
I frowned. "Tell who what?"
"Tell them," she said, jerking her head back to camp. "The Praetors, the other campers, everyone. Tell them what I did to my father." Her voice cracked and she lowered her head. Something glistened at the edge of her eyes.
I squeezed her hand tighter. "I'm not going to tell them anything. You did what you had to do to protect yourself. Your sister. Your father was lost. He failed as your father. You said family was about protecting your own? Well he didn't. But you did," I said jabbing my finger at her. "You protected your sister."
"It doesn't change what I did!" she shouted, meeting my eyes. "How? How do you look at yourself in the mirror Jason? How do you look at your hands? How do you trust yourself when you did something so horribly to someone you loved? How do you have any sense of self when you've done something so horrible? I'm a monster Jason!" My father was a terrible man when I knew him, but he was my father, and I loved him. I wanted him to love me. And I took any chance of redemption away from him!" Tears were pouring down her face again and I wrapped my arms tightly around her.
"He wasn't your father anymore Rey. Just a remnant. There was nothing left to save."
She sobbed harder. "I failed him."
"He failed you. And your sister." I pushed her back so I could look at her. "Look at me." She didn't. "Look at me," I said again, more firmly, and she raised her eyes to mine.
"You are not a monster. You have the strength of a thousand dragons, and the heart of a thousand lions. Only someone like that could have done what you did for me. Even when you didn't owe me anything. Especially then. I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry that you had to carry this burden alone. But you're not alone anymore. You have a family now. Here. With us." I took a deep breath and plunged in. "With me. If the whole world turned its back on you, you still won't be alone. Because I'll be with you."
She hiccoughed. "I can't ask that of you."
"You're not. This is my choice. You're my family now and we protect our own."
"Jason, you don't have to bear my burden." I opened my mouth to protest, but she continued, cutting me off. "But… thank you." She wrapped her hands around my waist and buried her face in my sweater. "Thank you for helping me see that I'm not just a monster."
I hugged her back tightly. "Come on, I'm going to introduce you to the rest of the family."