CHAPTER SEVEN
The sun was almost completely set when the guys finished digging a hole on the other side of the plane to us. I sat and watched, getting teary as they started to move the bodies. Men, women, children. I remember hearing a baby cry somewhere on the plane about an hour before it went down. I kept the kids' attention turned away from the plane, I didn't want them to have to see that. Especially after they'd already seen 3 people die in the last 4 days. The number of survivores was now down to 53 including Lilly, Joe and I. I let out a surprised yelp when I felt someone tug me up.
"It's hard, Milo." Joe whimpered, hugging me tightly and burrying his face in my neck.
"It's okay." I cooed, hugging him back, running my fingers through his mess of curly hair comfortingly. "It'll be okay."
"There was a baby." Joe mumbled and I inhaled sharply. "A tiny little baby, Miles, he felt like nothing in my arms." I gasped, he'd had to carry the baby to the mass grave. "I don't wanna do this anymore."
"I know, Joey." I'd seen him carrying people from the plane for an hour now. Doing that couldn't be easy.
"I hate it. I hate it so much." I felt warm, wet drops of salty tears on my neck and my heart broke.
"What's the matter, Joe?" A little voice asked and I felt him choke against me as I turned slightly to look down at little 7-year-old Will.
"He's just a little sad." I murmured softly. Joe sat down on the sand and pulled me into his lap, still cryng into my neck.
"Why's he sad?" Will persisted innocently. How do I word it so I don't scar a 7-year-old?
"Because something really sad happened that you're too young to know about." I sighed, feeling like I wwas going to cry.
"I can't do it anymore." Joe held me tightly, like I was a lifeline. "I can't do it, get me off this island, Miles, get me off, I can't stand it."
"Shh." I hummed, holding Joe, I didn't know what to do, it was like he'd just completely broken. "It's okay, Joey, I've got you."
"Woah." Lilly came over, wide-eyed, staring at Joe, like half of the beach was doing. "What's up with Mister Cuddles?"
"He had a bear on his tiny little onesie." Joe whimpered and I kissed his temple.
"Not now, Lil." I muttered, Joe had been so strong, so confident, since the plane crashed. It was easy to forget he was so sensitive and in touch with his emotions.
"Yeah, well, it's not good for him to lose it in front of the iddy-kays." Lilly whispered to me.
"We can speak pig-Latin you know." Carter spoke up. "And I'm twelve, I'm not a little kid."
"Of course you're not." I sighed, I just wanted Joe to be better. With this recent turn of events, and the way he was brooding and drinking away his troubles at the airport I wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't do something dangerous. "Come on, Joey, let's get you away from here." I didn't want them to see him like this, and I didn't want Joe to get even more upset. I wormed out of Joe's lap and tugged on his hand until he got up and followed me. I led him back into the shelter.
"Don't leave me?" Joe begged, his voice croaky and hoarse.
"I'm not leaving." I cooed, holding him again. Joe laid down and hugged me around the waist as he put his head in my lap. "I'm right here, Baby."
"Promise?" He sounded like a scared little boy.
"Promise." I confirmed.
"It was so bad, Miles, there was a tiny baby boy, and a pregnant woman, and there was a man still holding his little daughter." Joe choked out as I combed my fingers through his hair. "I could have helped them, there has to be something I could of done."
"You couldn't have done anything, Joe." I whispered, trying not to cry. He'd been so strong for me since the crash and now he needed me to be strong. "By the time you got to them it would have been too late." After he saved me, what if he didn't save me? Would the baby or the little girl or the pregnant woman still be alive if he didn't so much time making sure I was okay? "The only thing that could have saved them was not getting on the plane."
"But-" Joe started, looking at me with red-rimmed hazel-brown eyes, tear tracks fresh n his cheeks.
"But nothing." I interrupted, reaching up and brushing away his tears even as they fell. "You couldn't have done anything, and beating yourself up won't bring them back. And you don't deserve it, you saved my life, you saved a lot of lives the other day, Joey." Insead of saying anything else Joe hugged me tightly, burrying his face in my hair and neck as he sobbed.
R
Day 5
When I woke up I felt oddly cold. It wasn't a cold day, actually it was quite hot, but compared to the last couple of nights I felt cold. The almost stifling, yet somehow comforting heat, heat of Joe's body was gone. I blinked my eyes open and looked around, Joe was nowhere close, probably not even in the shelter. Mostly everyone else was asleep as well as I crawled out, one hand rubbing my eyes sleepilly.
"Joe?" I called softly, stretching and yawning as I stood up fully outside the shelter. Looking around the beach he wasn't here either. "Joe?" I called louder, startig to worry. With the state he'd been in yesterday and the way he was clinging to me like a lifeline I didn't trust him not to do something harmfull to himself. "Joseph?" I spun in circles, a hand in my tangled hair as I looked for him. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him, he was my lifeline on this island. "Joe-" I started to call again, finally spotting him. There was a clustering of rocks and boulders in the distance leading out to the ocean like a naturally made pier. Joe was sitting on the very end, it had to be him, the mess of curls, the same black shirt, the way he was hunched over on himself. I walked over and climbed up on the rocks trying not to slip and brake my neck. I carefully ballanced my way out to where Joe was sitting. "Hey." I whispered, sitting next to him and that's when I noticed he had Beary Bear in his hands.
"Hey." Joe muttered dully, looking out over the ocean in the distance, his eyes glazed over.
"He's a good listener." I said, gesturing to Beary and he looked down at my bear, seeming to come back to reality at least a little. "Almost sixteen years and he hasn't told a single one of my secrets."
"He'd probably run for the hills if I told him my secrets." Joe shook his head.
"I won't." I murmured, looking up at Joe, he was a shadow of himself, like a ghost.
"Does it make me a monster if I hope the babies family died too?" Joe asked, his voice thick with emotion and his eyes still red from crying himself to sleep last night. "Because then they wouldn't have to live knowing he was dead." Joe said roughly and I was a little shocked. "And no-one even asked about or went looking for a baby, or mentioined one."
"It makes you human." I decided softly, reaching over hesitantly for one of his hands. "To hope that no-one would be hurting like that, or heartless enough not to are. It makes you human, Joe, a very caring, sensitive man."
"I feel like a monster." Joe sighed and I shook my head.
"You're not." I told him firmly.
"Here." Joe suddenly held Beary out to me, his golden fur a little sandy and dirty from the ordeal of the last five days. "Sorry I took it." He muttered, looking away. "I guess I wanted a part of you that wouldn't hate me."
"I don't hate you, Joe." I pushed Beary back to him gently. Why would he think I would hate him. "I won't ever hate you."
"You sure he doesn't tell secrets?" Joe asked, looking down to my bear in his hands.
"Look at this." I whispered, reaching over and moving some of the fur on Beary's chest. There was a little keyhole right over where his heart would be. "All the secrets you tell him locked up inside him forever." I said and Joe traced a finger over the keyhole.
"Last night, all I could think about was the baby and the little girl and pregnant woman." Joe murmured, not looking at me as he spoke. "And I hate myself because everytime I thought about it I was... glad." Joe struggled out and I gasped. "I was glad that it wasn't you. I would have traded that innocent, tiny little babies life for yours in a hartbeat." Joe licked his lips and I stayed silent, I didn't know what to say to that. "Yesterday, when I was carrying bodies I kept getting images of when the plane was crashing and you were unconscious and bleeding; you were so pale and still, I was sscared shitless. When I was carrying those bodies I kept thinking about how it could have been you and it made me want to vomit." In the early morning light I saw tears sparkling in Joe's big brown eyes and start falling dow his cheeks. "The night before last when I kissed you from your fingertips to your ear, it took every ounce of self control I had, every single fibre of my being not to kiss your lips, not to take you and make you mine... Whether you wanted it or not." I gasped again, did Joe Jonas just say?... Did he just say he would have... raped me? "But, I would have killed myself if I ever did anything to you, if I ever made you hurt or cry. You're so pure an innocent and all I could think about was how bad I wanted you."
"I wanted you." I whispered, looking up at him and he snapped his head over to look at me. "Anything you wanted to do to me, I wanted you to do to me too. Couldn't you see how bad I wanted you too?"
"But, I wouldn't have stopped." Joe looked ashamed. "When I'm around you I can't control myself you, I don't think I would have been able to stop."
"But, you did." I pointed out and he looked surprised. "You stopped before you even started, you didn't kiss me, you didn't make me do anything. You do have control."
"That morning, when you were sleeping. I couldn't control myself then." He admitted and despite the sombre, slightly morbid tone of the morning, I blushed.
"You were asleep, Joe, you had not control over that."
"You don't understand, Miley, I-"
"I was awake, Joe." I cut in, flushing and he gaped at me. "I was awake that morning, I felt you when you were sleeping, you also had your hand on my breast, but the point is you were sleeping. Just because you didn't control yourself when you were unconscious doesn't mean you would have done something when you were awake whether I wanted it or not."
"But, I want you so bad that I'm afaid when I'm awake I wouldn't stop and it makes me sick." His eyes were wide and scared. "I try and tell myself I'll stay away, to protect you, but one look at you and I'm hopelessly glued to you."
"You just need to trust yourself, Joe, like I do. I know you wouldn't hurt me." I smiled weakly at him and he sighed.
"I wish I had your faith." He shook his head, his mess or lak curls falling in his eyes. "I can't trust myself around you, but I'd kill myself if anything happened to you." He sounded so serious and sincere when he said that, as if he actually would take his own life. One look at him and I knew he was serious, the thought made me sick. "You shouldn't trust me."
"Nothing has happened to me, Joe, beause of you, you saved my life, you made sure I woke up every hour the other night to make sure I didn't have a concussion, you make sure I eat and sleep, and don't do anything that ould hurt me." I listed passionately, how could he not see that? "You wouldn't make me do anything, you haven't and you won't. You might think you don't have control, or you'll do something, but you do and you won't."
"If..." Joe started, his fists clenching a little nd squeezing Beary. "If I do something you have to stop me, Miley, I couldn't live if I did something to you."
"You won't do anything I wouldn't want, Joe-"
"Miley." Joe cut in desperately. "Please? I'm afraid I'll lose control, but I can't stay away from you, so please? You have to be the one to stop me." Was Joe always this intense? I tried to remeber back to when we first met three years ago, but all I could think of was how despaired Joe seemed right now. "Promise me? Please promise me you'll stop me if I do anything to you."
"I promise." I whispered, I had not choice, he was so desperate and self-hating. He atually thought he could hurt me, but he wouldn't hurt a butterfly unless it threatened me. It was a few minutes before either of us did anything after that and it was Joe. He removed on hand from Beary held it in front of me, wrist up. "Joe, what-?" I started, confused.
"I have more than those secrets." Joe murmured, looking down. "You said he won't tell them, right?" Beary Bear.
"Right." I confirmed, but it felt like he was asking about me and I was confirming; I'd never tell his serets. Joe sighed and clenched his fist in my lap, bending it back a little until it reahed the right angle and I gasped. Little, thin, faint red lines etched into his olive skin that you could only see in the right light when he clenched his fist to make the area white. "Joe."
"It was more than just a fight with the bros and shit with the label." Joe muttered darkly. "It was everything. Every fuking thing pissed me off and made angry. No matter what is, I felt angry all the time." He closed his eyes as I traced delicately over the lines. "The pain made it bearable. It reigned me in so I didn't fuck up and beat the shit out of someone all the time." This was definately not the Joe I met three years ago... Or was it? Was he suffering then too and I just didn't see it? Did no-one see it? What about his friends, his family? Couldn't they see the spiral he was in? "I felt like I needed it." He said roughly and I swollowed thickly. "Like I was addicted, I couldn't stop, it was the only thing that kept me sane." I gingerly brought his wrist up, pressing my lips against the faint red lines. Joe let out a slow breath. "I haven't needed it sine the crash. Being around you, I can't explain it, Miley, we met for a few weeks three years ago and you didn't affect me like this, but now... You're the only thing that keeps me in check." I made him feel like he couldn't even trust himself not to hurt me in his need to have me, but at the same time I'm the only thing that keeps him in check? "Yesterday it all came crashing back." I gasped again when opened his hand in front of me, a small blade, probably from a razor or something. But, it was sharp, sharp enough to do the job. Sharp enough to create more heart-breaking red lines on Joe's flawless olive skin. "Seeing those bodies, all those innocent people who died, the baby. A tiny fucking baby, Miles. Why did I live and not him?"
"Joey." I cooed, I didn't know what to say, I wanted hold him, never let him out of my arms.
"I wish I could trade my life for his, then you'd never be hurt and that tiny little innocent baby would be okay, he'd get to live like he deserved, I don't deserve to live."
"You do deserve to live, Joe." I whispered, desperate, he sounded... He sounded like I should never let him out of my sight or my arms for fear he might do something. "You do. And I'll tell you a million times a day until you believe me."
"I was... I was going to this morning." Joe murmured, the small blading gliding lithely across his fingers with practiced ease. "Becuase that tiny boy should have lived and not me, but..." I let out a breath, there was a but. I'd never been more glad that there was a but than right now. "I couldn't do that to him. I feel like if I did it would be like doing to it to him and I can't do that to him." He looked up at me with sad brown eyes, still crying. "Everything inside me is just so messed up, Miley, I don't know what to think or what to feel and it's making me crazy, and I don't want to lose control and hurt you, but I can't stay away from you and you're the only thing that's keeping me sane."
"I'm here." I didn't know what else to say as I crawled into his lap, hugging him tightly. "I'm here, Joey, I'm here, I won't ever leave you."
1) Favourite part of the chapter?
2) Least Favourite part of the chapter?
3) Was anyone expecting Joe to feel that way?
4) what do you think will happen in the next few chapters?
5) Hope Joe is okay in New York with the Hurricane on the loose.
6) Mileys gonna be on Ellen on the 8th of November, I always love when she's on Ellen, it's so fun and happy :D
Smiler For Joe!