CHAPTER EIGHT
"I never told anyone." Joe murmured, slipping his arm out of my grasp. He flexed his fingers, looking down as the scars faded and became clearer with his actions. They musn't have been very deep because the scars weren't vivid, but the fact that he'd resorted to it at all was heartbreaking. He sad it was because he was so angry all the time, that it was the only way to reign himself in and do something violent.
"Why'd you tell me?" I asked softly, I mean for everyone he could of told, why me.
"Because you're... You're you." He sighed and shrugged. "I said I couldn't explain it, before your were just a cute kid I met a couple of times, but now..." He furrowed his brow and looked confused, like he didn't understand it either. "When I look at you... I can't hide anything from you... You know all my secrets now." Joe looked so vulnerable, like a raven-haired Anegl. "It scares the shit out of me, but... I can't control myself around you, but you have this way of controlling me just by being around me." How did I have this power over him? Why me?
"I'm sorry?" I didn't know how to respond to that.
"Don't be, it keeps me in check." Joe scrubbed a hand through his hair, tugging at the ends, a look of frustration and something unidentifiable in his eyes. "You'll probably keep me from killing Hanson." The cop, Hanson, who seemed to have a fascination with pissing Joe off. I always knew it was a bad idea. "The problem'll be keeping myself from attacking you." Is it an attack if it's welcome? "His name was James." He said suddenly. "The baby." Joe's fist clenched around the blade. "It was on his little onesie, James Flynn." Then before I knew it Joe hand the blade in his other hand and was pressing it into his skin.
"Joe." I gasped, reaching for him, but he easilly brushed me off. "Joe, stop." I begged desperately. So much for feeling like it would have been like cutting the baby. "Stop it, Joe, give me the blade. Stop." I felt nauseous when I saw the crimson red blood oozing from his arm, spilling onto his jeans and the rock we were sitting on.
"James." Joe groaned out painfully, gritting his teeth and breathing harshly.
"Joe." I finally mannaged to grabbed his arm and he didn't fight me as I brought it to me, trying to stop the bleeding. "Oh, my God! Sweet niblets, Joe, what did you do?" I desperately took my top off, ignoring any sense of modesty at just sitting here in front of Joe Jonas in my bra and pressing my shirt to his arm "Are you insane?"
"For James, Miley." Joe whispered, moving my shirt away and enough of his blood was gone that I could read it. He'd written on his arm in giant - painful - cuts. JAMES. "For James." He repeated, wincing as he trailed a finger over the letters.
"Are you insane?" I hissed, glaring at him, covering his arm again with my shirt.
"It feels good." He sighed and I stared at him wide-eyed.
"We need to clean it." I decided, standing on the slippery rock.
"Careful!" Joe was suddenly wide-eyed and fearful. He shot up, standing on the rock, completely forgetting about his arm as he reached for me. "I don't want you hurt." His fingers, covered in his own blood, closed around my arm. "Come." His fingers stayed around my arm as he carefully navigated the rocks. As soon as my feet touched the sand I turned to Joe again his arm was bleeding freely, the crimson liquid dripping from the letters he'd so brazenly carved into his arm; down his wrist, over his hand, dripping to the sand from his fingers. "Wait." Joe's voice was rough.
"Joe, we need to clean that." I said urgently, I think he was starting to get a little pale. How much blood was too much? What do I do if he loses too much blood? I'm not a doctor and I didn't want anything to happen to Joe. "And stop the bleeding."
"Here." Joe tore his shirt over his head, the black material slightly damp from his blood. "Put this on."
"Joe." I rolled my eyes, flushing bright pink.
"Put it on." He insisted, his eyes darkening a little. "The longer you wait the more I bleed." My eyes widened and I took his shirt, slipping it over my head. It was too big and damp with blood, but it smelled like Joe and I don't know why that made me feel good.
"Come on." I started pulling him back to where we'd set up camp. I led him over to the first-aid kit and forced him to sit down as I ruffled through it. "You're a nuthead, Joseph." I scolded him, finding the antisceptic. "What were you thinking?"
"James." Joe muttered and I rolled my eyes. "I-... I always want to remember him. How he should have lived instead of me." I looked down as I found some whipes.
"This is gonna sting." I whispered, dabbing at the incissions. Joe hissed in pain and I bit my lip.
"I just wanted to remember him, he deserves someone to remember him." He clenched his fist and gritted his teeth as I cleaned his arm.
"So you sliced your arm open?" I was trying to be careful, but everytime I cleaned a cut it started bleeding again.
"I couldn't cut before, thinking about James." Joe sighed, biting his lip when I touched the antisceptic to a new cut. If this weren't such a dire, morbid situation he'd look sexy like that. "I felt so guilty when I would trade his life for yours, but I'd trade my life for his in the same heartbeat. I couldn't cut thinking about him, but I needed a way to remember him. All the time."
"Yeah, well, you better hope you don't get an infection." I snapped. His heart was in he right place, and it made my heart ache to hear him talk like that, but none of us were doctors and we couldn't do anything if he got infected when we were waiting for rescue. "I don't know what I'd do without you." I admitted softly.
"You can't say things like that when you have to be the one in control, Miley." Joe scolded with a slight growl to his voice.
"Sweet niblets, Joe." I shook my head in exhasperation.
"Sweet something alright." He suddenly grinned at me and I gaped. I'm sitting here cleaning his wounds after he carved a babies name into his arm, and he was trying to flirt with me? I looked down and applied a little more pressure to the cuts, making him wince.
"Hold still." I commanded, giving up on the whipes and antisceptic and grabbing a bandage. I put one of those giant bandaids on it before wrapping the bandage around his arm.
"I mean it, Milo, you're the only one that can control me. If I do something you have to stop me." He was back to serious, dark, self-hating. I couldn't understand that, how could he be so fun and flirty one minute and like this the next? Talking about cutting and giving up his life and carving names of babies into his skin.
U
"What happened to Mister Cuddles?" Lilly asked when we were finally alone, though I kept a wary eye on Joe. He was with the other guys, finishing moving the bodies and refilling the hole. Joe had been silent ever since I finished bandaging his arm, brooding and glaring at everyone who came close to me. His revelations this morning had been a shock; he felt like shit because he would have willingly traded a babies life for mine. I didn't know how to react to to that. And he seemed to think he'd lose control around me, do something wrong, hurt me. But, at the same time he said I kept his anger in check. It had been a confusing morning.
"Nothing." I whispered, looking over at Joe. The sun glistening across his naturally tan-colored skin, he was still shitless - and I was still wearing it - and the white bandage on his arm stood out against his skin.
"Uh... You see the bandage too, right?" Lilly frowned and I finally tore my eyes away from him.
"Yeah, I see it." I looked down. I had Beary Bear in my hands, he had blood on him too. I brushed his stiky, stained gold fur and sighed when I saw the keyhole. Beary held Joe's secrets too. And my secrets.
"Do you know what happened to him?" Lilly pressed. Do I know what happened? I'd been questioning a lot since this morning.
"He was bleeding, I bandaged him." Well, I mean, it was true. I just didn't say why he was bleeding.
"Why was he bleeding?" She pressed and I sighed.
"It's not for me to tell." I'd keep Joe's secrets just like Beary keeps both of ours.
"Okay then." Lilly sighed too, looking at me funny. "Maybe you could tell me why you're wearing Joe's shirt?"
"I used mine to try and stop the bleeding and he gave it to me." I shrugged, playing with the material. It smelled like Joe.
"What's going on, Miley?" Lilly asked softly, staring at me with earnt blue eyes. "You know you can tell me anything."
"I know." I nodded, she really was my best friend. I smiled weakly at her. "But, it's not something I can tell you. I swore I wouldn't."
"Okay." She sighed sadly. "But, just remember, I'm always here for you, Miles."
"I know, Lil, I love you." I hugged her tightly.
"What are they doing, Miley?" Little Lorraine with her big green eyes asked, watching the guys fill the hole back in over the bodies.
"They're..." How do I explain it to a 4-year-old? "They're making sure the people on the plane go up to Heaven."
"Are Mommy and Daddy gonna go to Heaven?" Lorraine asked inncoently and I hissed in a sharp breath.
"Yeah, Mommy and Daddy are going up to Heaven." All their parents are going to Heaven. Carter understood, and to a degree I think Sean did too, but Will and Lorraine were just innocent little kids.
"Can't I go with them?" Lorraine pouted, her eyes starting to fill with tears.
"Come here, Sweetie." I beckoned her into my lap and she curled up, so small and fragile. "You gotta stay here, Rai." I cooed sadly. "Mommy and Daddy are going up to Heaven, but it's not your turn yet." And it hopefully wouldn't be her turn for a very very long time.
"When will it be my turn?" Lorraine pressed, and I held her a little tighter.
"Not for a long time, Sweet Pea." A very long time. I couldn't help but think about James. Little James who was going way too soon. It wasn't his turn yet either, but he was gone.
S
"Hey, Cutie." Joe murmured softly, trying to be like normal despite his mini breakdown from yesterday and today. He held little Lorraine in his arms. The sun had alreadyset and it was after seven at night so Lorrain was starting to get tired. But, the guys had finished filling in the mass grave and they started a fire over it for a sort of memorial. Lorraine yawned against his shoulder in response and I smiled. "We'll get you to sleep soon." I kept a careful eye on Joe, he'd been so... Depressed this morning, and self-hating, then he just threw himself into physical work. I was keeping an eye on him in case he broke down again.
"How are you?" I asked him nervously.
"I'll let you know when it won't scare the kids to hear it." Joe muttered. My heart clenched, how could someone who had done so much in the last week feel so... Despicable. It was heartbreakingly sad.
"What are we doing?" Little 7-year-old Will asked with wide eyes.
"We're saying goodbye to the people going up to Heaven." I murmured, combing a hand through his ruffled dirty blonde hair.
A couple of other people had sorted through the luggage and ID's to find names. Take out the names of the survivors and most of the dead had been somewhat identified. Including the flight attendants that we knew the names of and the pilots. Someone started reading out the names Joe reached down for my hand and held Lorraine a little closer. Caressa Delacour-Flynn, Walden Flynn, and James Flynn. A young couple and their baby son. The mother a French native. I absently rubbed my hand up and down Joe's arm, just over his bandage. His cuts. James.
It was heartbreaking when little Lorraine looked up in surprise at four peoples names; Helen, Steve, Nora and Charlie Welling. Lorraine mumbled in a small voice that Nora and Charlie were her big brother and sister. I couldn't hold the tears in anymore when I had to tell Lorraine that he brother and sister were going to Heaven with her Mommy and Daddy and she couldn't go with them. I was outright crying now, holding onto Lilly tightly and hold Joe's hand like a lifeline. One look up at Joe and the firelight made the silent tears streaking down his face stand out.
Lorraine was asleep before all the names were finished. 178 in total. 178 people dead. That we knew of, what if there were people without luggage? Or their luggage fell out? Or their name wasn't on a bag? 82 of those people were in the grave under the fire.
"I'll go put the kids down." Joe muttered, his voice hoarse and emotionless, when it was over two hours later. I nodded mutely, not trusting my voice as I watched him carry Lorraine and lead Will and Sean back to the shelter as everyone dispersed.
"I can't wait till we get off this Hell rock." Lilly said as we sat out on the beach. She was crying too, we were both crying and leaning on each other. I remember the last funeral I went to was my Mom's, 8 years ago.
1) Favourite part of the chapter?
2) Least favourite part of the chapter?
3) Next chapter I think there's gonna be a kiss.
4) 18 DAYS UNTIL MILEY CYRUS' 20TH BIRTHDAY!
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