Pairing: Kurt/Adam, Kurt/Blaine
Word Count: 1,493
Warnings: Emotional and Physical Infidelity.
Summary: Kurt is not doing it to be malicious, but he can't seem to let go of neither Blaine nor Adam.
Don't like. Don't read. This is just me trying to figure out what's going on with Kurt and Adam. I don't know about you, but the line: "Was I your rebound?" insinuates they did more than just have coffee dates.
This is NOT slut-shaming. This is my thoughts on a young man that's confused about who and what he wants. I love Kurt and I always will.
Written, ironically, while listening to Come What May on repeat.
Playing Both Sides
The first time they do it is after they have been on 3 coffee dates and Adam has complimented Kurt 38 times (yes he is keeping track). Kurt uses the hurt from Blaine's indiscretion in the Fall to mask his nervousness and to rationalize giving part of himself to a man he knows he has no future with.
They had talked after, and Kurt had stressed that this may have been a one-off thing, that he values Adam as his friend and that he isn't quite ready to be in a relationship. Adam nods readily, giving Kurt one last kiss and murmurs "just friends" as he gathers his clothes up from the floor and heads naked, beautiful and unashamed to the bathroom.
o~0~o
Days later Kurt feels… well he feels he should feel something: shame, regret, justification. What he feels however is a whole lot of nothing. He can't decide if he is relieved or scared.
Adam, true to his word, has not changed his attitude toward Kurt at all. Kurt still receives the genuine smiles and over the top compliments he has come to expect (and love) from the Senior. Adam is still always there to give him advice on essay topics, song selections and foot placement, but Kurt is looking at him differently and wondering if his bad judgment has started a scenario where one or both of them will not make it out unscathed.
o~0~o
The second time they do it is four days before the Schuester wedding. Kurt has been on edge for at least two weeks. Though he and Blaine have been talking, Kurt is nervous about seeing him again. He has been toying with Adam's affections for weeks and no longer feels like the wronged party, in fact, to be honest, he kinda feels like he is cheating on Blaine, even though they are most definitely broken up.
Kurt does not push Adam away this time. He pulls him in tight and invites him to stay the night. Adam relaxes in his arms and mouths a quiet "as you wish" into the crook of Kurt's neck.
Those three words give Kurt a sleepless night. He was right on the edge of thinking that he could do this, be in a 'friends-with-benefits' relationship and not feel guilty about it, but now he wonders if Adam will always want more. Even worse, Kurt knows he will never be able to give him more, he has no heart to hand to Adam, he had given it to a boy on a staircase, over two years ago, and no matter how many times he tries to deny it, his heart would always belong to Blaine.
o~0~o
Blaine is under no illusions as to what is going on here. He knows about Adam. He also knows that Kurt is only in town for an extended weekend. But now that the hurt and guilt has eased in both their hearts it's kinda easy to pretend everything is alright and play 'house' for a bit.
In what sounds like a well-rehearsed speech, Kurt says that this does not mean that they are back together and constantly reminds Blaine that they are 'just friends' throughout his time in Lima.
Blaine wants to ask what "kinda seeing someone" means, but he is scared to destroy the little fairytale this weekend has been. So he lets Kurt go back to NY with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to call him on Friday. Blaine wants Kurt back desperately, but is scared to push him into redefining their relationship. His only compensation is knowing that Kurt and Adam obviously haven't progressed beyond coffee and movie dates. Never in a million years does it cross his mind that Kurt might be sleeping with Adam, much less sleeping with both of them in the span of a week.
o~0~o
Kurt too, is under no illusions. He is living in the seventh circle of hell. Adam's body is under him but his ears hear Blaine's breathy gasps and he feels gel free curls between his fingers. He terrified he'll slip up at the wrong time and has started to call both Adam and the Blaine in his dreams: 'Honey'.
And Kurt is finally starting to feel. He feels guilty, oh so guilty. He isn't dating either of them but in his heart he feels like he is cheating on both of them. In theory he knows people have non-exclusive relationships all the time; he just never figured he would be one of those people.
Kurt is also scared because the part of him that is still in love with Blaine is almost identical in size as the part that is terrified Blaine will hurt him again.
Also, he is leading Adam on. There is no illusion there anymore either. Inviting him over knowing they would get snowed in, cuddling on the couch, sharing a bed. Kurt is going to hurt this boy, but he doesn't know how to stop because he desperately wants everything Adam has to offer. Adam has never hurt him, Adam has never lied to him, Adam has always craved his affection and, though it freaks him out slightly, Adam knows when Kurt is shutting down and is not hesitant to talk him out of it. He is older, gorgeous, experienced, independent, everything on paper Kurt has ever dreamed of… until his dreams started to revolve around hazel eyes and gelled hair and a smooth voice.
o~0~o
Adam is still fast asleep in Kurt's bed when his cell phone rings at a rather ungodly hour for a Saturday. Kurt and Adam are definitely dating now. A few days after the snowstorm Adam cornered Kurt at school and let him know that he knew Kurt had reservations but that he wanted to show Kurt what they could be and if he would give them a chance… and Kurt had.
It was so much better than he had expected, yet not quite as good as he remembered his last relationship to be. But Kurt was willing to give it time, he wasn't gonna make any quick judgments, especially when there were dinner dates and Downton Abbey marathons to be had. Kurt thinks, given enough time he might actually grow love Adam one day.
After checking his caller id after the first ring, Kurt disconnects the call. He steals a throw off the couch and tries to sneak out into the hall without their heavy barn door giving him away. He slips down the wall opposite his apartment, wraps the throw around himself and immediately calls Blaine back via Facetime.
"Hey you!" Blaine's smile is contagious and his hair is a riot of curls. "I wanted to have a virtual coffee date with you this morning, …if that's okay with you. I miss you so much Kurt."
Kurt's heart does a couple backflips without his consent and he gives the door across from him a quick glance before he returns Blaine's greeting. They talk for 20 minutes before Kurt makes an excuse of a 'humongous paper' he has yet to start to write, and he notices Blaine does not once mention his lack of coffee or the unfamiliar background.
They are wrapping up, making plans for another phone date when Blaine says the four words that always make his breath catch "I love you, Kurt." There is no doubting it; his voice is strong and sincere. Blaine doesn't even follow it up with an apology this time.
Kurt makes sure his response does not sound automatic or flippant. He pauses, looks into Blaine's eyes and softly says "I love you too." He leaves off the 'Forever', the 'Always', the 'You hurt me, but I may be hurting myself more.'
He needs his best friend to tell him what to do, but can't quite stomach talking to his ex about his new beau, who he may or may not be using, but doesn't have anybody to talk to, to help him figure it out. Kurt Hummel is on a slippery, slippery slope and it just keeps getting steeper.
With one last wave, and a blown kiss from Blaine's end, Kurt is shaking his head and rising from the hall floor. He tries to justify it all in his head: Blaine is just a boy he's in love with that lives two States away. Their positive record of long distance romance does not exist. Blaine broke Kurt's heart and his trust and Kurt is unwilling to give him the power to do it again… yet. But he knows he will one day. After all they promised to love each other forever "Come What May".
Right now however, Kurt has to sneak back inside, stop thinking about the love of his life, and put the kettle on for his boyfriend. Later tonight, after Adam goes home, he can dream about a time when the two will be one in the same.