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I knew you were trouble when you walked in, pinning me roughly up against the nearest wall of my apartment the instant we were through the door, splitting me open with insistent hands, and lips, and teeth. I knew that we desperately needed to talk. God, how we needed to talk! But what was I supposed to do when the friction from your body was creating an accelerated rate of combustion determined to melt my very bones, and any resolve I might have had? When your tongue on mine switched off the frontal lobes of my brain? When your skin lit up my limbic system? When your fingers stimulated my amygdala? When the only word that I could remember how to say was, yes!
Trouble
I remember trying to tell you, before succumbing to the best sleep I've had since moving here, that we needed to talk. I distinctly remember murmuring it into your hair, before you lifted your head and kissed me softly, with your secret smile, and soft, shining eyes.
"Later Lunchbox." You whispered sleepily into my lips, as you snuggled impossibly closer.
When I awoke in the cool, grey light of morning you were gone, and I was alone again wondering if it had all just been a dream. Damn it! Why did I think bringing you home last night was such a good idea?
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
I slammed my fist down hard on my bedside table, sending my phone, and my glasses flying, and the lamp crashing to the floor. As I got out of bed and groped for my glasses, a shard of glass from the broken bulb bit into the side of my hand. I could feel that all too familiar pain blossoming again with a fresh intensity in my stomach, and behind my eyes. I was all done with crying over you. I refused to shed another single tear. Nope, not me!
Who the hell did I think I was kidding?
What I needed was a good long run to sweat you out of my system, and to clear my head.
Trouble
Fifteen minutes later, I had cleaned up the mess, bandaged my hand, and was jogging out the door of my building when we collided on the stairs.
"Hey lady! Watch it, will ya?!"
I looked up to find you glaring at me with the exactly the same expression you had on the first day we met, still clutching a cardboard tray of what looked like two coffees and a smoothie in one hand, and a brown paper bag in the other.
"Gail?" I was stunned, "What..."
Your expression quickly changed from annoyance, to recognition, to resignation. Your whole body slumped, shoulders drooping, as you closed your eyes and hung your head with a sigh.
"Of course you didn't think I'd be coming back." Your voice sounded defeated as I watched you place the tray on the steps, and remove one of the coffees. You licked your lips. "Why would you?" You laughed bitterly, and spun on your heel to go.
"Gail..." I called after you, taking a step in your direction as soon as I could move.
"No, no really Holly. It's ok. We don't need to do this again." You countered with a shrug and a frown, as you continued to walk away.
"What if I want to?" I blurted out, moving cautiously toward you.
"What?" You stopped, and turned, thunderheads forming, a storm rolling across your eyes.
"What if I want to." I stated more confidently, closing the gap between us. I grasped at your elbow. "Look. Gail. Let's go back inside."
I briefly paused to retrieve the coffee tray, as I steered you back up the stairs and into my building. It has always amazed me how every time I do this, you pliantly allow it, with that same adorably indignant look on your face.
Trouble
Sitting on my couch with your hands tucked between your knees, you watched me pace. The silence between us was growing heavier by the moment, and I could almost hear your brain spinning at a million miles per second. I knew my head felt like it was about to explode! As I turned to face you it all came rushing out. Once I started, I couldn't seem to stop.
"What happened Gail? Why are you here? I mean it's not like I'm not happy to see you, at least that should be obvious, but I mean, you show up out of nowhere... From the little you said last night... Gail... Are you in trouble? Or something...?" I flailed helplessly.
You sighed heavily and grabbed my hand as I passed by in a surprisingly firm grip, bringing me to stand between your knees.
"Look Holly," your eyes were guarded, and your voice was flat, "Its really great that you still seem to care enough to have brought me back here, or maybe you just didn't want to be the bad guy for not trusting me, but..."
"Says the woman who, pardon the pun, has a track record of running away and disappearing without a trace at the first hint of trouble." I interrupted.
I could feel the color rising in my face, along with the anger and frustration at the wall of silence between us since I moved here, along with past transgressions I clearly wasn't over.
"Oh really!" You snapped, "At least I'm not the one who took a job over four thousand kilometers away. But you didn't think I was coming back then either."
"Come on Gail! What was I supposed to think? You told me that you didn't want to spend another minute with me, and then you avoided me and gave me the silent treatment for almost a month!" I shot back at you, "Would you even be talking to me now if Traci hadn't forced you to take that thumb to me?"
I stood back glaring at you, hands on my hips, and watched you break. As you closed your eyes and turned your head away, I could feel my resistance crumble. I sat down beside you as silent sobs shook your body, wanting nothing more than to hold you. But I couldn't.
"Please, just talk to me Gail." I gently asked.
Biting your lips, you shrugged and shook your head, and wouldn't look at me.
"Please?" I implored, reaching out to place my hand on your knee.
"What? And risk making things complicated?" Your eyes snapped open and then narrowed dangerously at me, "You're just having fun, right? Why would I want to ruin that? In fact, why am I even still here? Ya' know Holly," Your tongue darted out of your mouth to moisten your lips, and, your voice was dripping with contempt that stung, "It has been real fun, but I'll be going..."
"No." I stated firmly, holding on to your leg, not letting you get up.
"What?" You gaped at me, confused.
I have no idea what possessed me, but I gripped your knee harder still.
"No!" I said louder, "You are not going anywhere. you are going to stay right here until we talk this out."
Your brow knit, and you made that little gesture with your hands. I sighed and began again.
"Look, as hard as it may be for anyone else to believe, I know you didn't just come to San Francisco for the weather." I could feel myself smirking at you, "So why don't you tell me what's really going on."
"Ok." You replied, turning back to me. Your voice was tiny, your eyes were huge, haunted, bottomless. "But not before coffee!"
Trouble
We were sitting on a park bench, in the park at the top of my street, overlooking the city with fresh mugs of coffee, my smoothie, and a bag of blueberry muffins between us.
"I can't believe you got me my favorite smoothie! Thank you!" I said softly after taking a sip.
"You're welcome." You turned to smile shyly at me, "I thought you might like one for breakfast, or at least you used to."
"I just can't believe you remembered." I replied, feeling my heart contract as I looked into your eyes. It felt like a million years since we had done this last.
You held my gaze for a moment before you responded, "Holly, I remember everything about you."
"You do?" I could barely speak.
"Yeah." You blushed, and your eyes were the color of the morning sky.
I could fall into your eyes if I wasn't careful.
Trouble
"Gail," I started, as I cautiously bridged the gap between us, picking up your one of your hands and holding it between both of mine, "What happened to us? I need to know. I mean, everything was going so well, and then... and I know I should have stood up to Lisa that night instead of trying to blow her off. I know how angry you were with me. " I sighed, feeling like we fit together, and yet we were almost like strangers now, "And I know this is ancient history... and I want to be able to trust you now... I do... but why did you run off and shut me out like that for weeks..."
"You really don't know by now?" You cut me off.
I shook my head, feeling like the ground beneath me was about to dissolve into thin air at any moment.
"I loved you." You closed your eyes and let your head fall back. You said so quietly I almost didn't hear it.
"You... you did?" I held your hand tighter to my heart that was about to beat right out of my chest.
"Yeah." You breathed out.
You turned and looked at me the way you had looked at me the first night we were together when I told you I thought you were still kind of beautiful.
"I never felt that way about anyone before you." You continued, "I was such an idiot! I should have known that it was different for you."
"It wasn't..." I began, but you cut me off.
"No! No, no, you don't get to do this now. To make yourself feel better." You pulled your hand from my grip while shaking your head, "It's.. it's ok. I get it now..."
"No Gail! It's not ok!" I interrupted, "I fell for you. Hard."
You started to rant, "Then why did you agree with your bitch tits best friend when she said that I was simple, uncomplicated, uneducated..."
I may have accidentally snorted when you said uncomplicated.
"What." You exclaimed, as you stopped to glare at me.
"You know that you are none of those things, right?" I looked at you over the top of my glasses, feeling the smirk spreading unwittingly on my lips.
You huffed and rolled your eyes.
"Well you're not." I could feel the warmth spreading throughout my body as you pouted adorably, "Look, Gail," I said with all heart-stopping seriousness, "I was, I am, in love with you. And the only reason I didn't say it right then and there, other than Lisa can be a real annoying, elitist, bitch, was because I wanted to say it out loud for the first time to you. In private."
"Oh really." Your eyes were wide, vulnerable. "Please, please don't play with me." You whispered.
"I'm not." I replied in an equally hushed voice, "God, or someone help me, I still love you."
Your lips were everything I ever needed, and your hands were tangled in my hair, and when you sighed into my mouth I thought my heart was going to burst. Still holding on you pulled back just enough to look at me. You licked your lips, and whispered back, "I still love you too."
Trouble Trouble Trouble