AN: God, let me live. Let me LIVE. Please. Anyway, a bit of dream justification and then Yuuri's POV. Be prepared; It's not what you think, but it's not happy. TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEPRESSION, SUICIDE AND SELFHARM. I'm so sorry. I am So Sorry. Don't kill me. And Enjoy!

-AP

Viktor's POV

And then I woke up.

I remember falling onto the floor, cold and icy.

Which was definitely not where I was. I was laying on something soft, a bed maybe. I pried my eyes open slowly, to find Mrs Katsuki smiling gently at me. "O-Oh, I'm sorry." I mumbled. She shook her head, her kind grin still remaining.

"You passed out in front of our door." She said in a gentle tone I'd never recieved from my actual parents. I smiled at her. "S-sorry, I haven't been sleeping well. What time is it?" Her smile faded and she looked down at her hands before answering my question with an expression that looked the same, but somehow felt sadder. "It's 9PM. We can talk some other time. You should probably get back to Minako's...Yuuri's back in an hour, so..."

Ten minutes after that, I left. However, I did have a lingering thought. When did Yuuri start practising so late?

Yuuri's POV

What have I done?

Jesus Christ, what have I done?!

I attempted the flip again, only to find my face greeted once again by a flat, icy surface. I knew I should get up and try again, but for a moment I closed my eyes and stayed there.

It had been 6 months since I broke up with Viktor. A very, very long six months.

I hadn't counted on it hurting this much, but then again, I was never good with hiding my emotions. I hadn't cried in a while though; mainly because if I did, I knew I wouldn't stop. Of course it wouldn't stop. I keep reminding myself that I put myself here, this situation was my own fault entirely, and despite the fact I knew that I deserved how awful I was feeling, I still found myself complaining.

"Yuuri, it's 9:30, maybe you should go home." Yuu-chan called nervously from the side wall. I pulled myself up and turned to her with a dismissive look. "I usually practise until ten now." I told her in monotone. I didn't like speaking to her so coldly, but it was all I had to keep me from breaking at the moment, so I planned to milk the defense mechanism for all it had.

She wordlessly nodded and disappeared back into the office, leaving me to my own devices. I kind of wish I could bring myself to talk to her, to vent to her like I used to back when we were younger. But I was too cowardly for that. It's fine. I deserved to wallow.

I avoided my parents when I got home and headed straight for the bathroom. Well, we said bathroom, but it doesn't actually have a bath in it considering we ran a hot spring. Just our only private toilet in the house. That was pretty much it, apart from shaving stuff on the side and some of Mom's shampoos.

I let myself spare a quick glance at the razor on the side.

Truthfully, when I was younger, it wasn't unkown for me to become consumed by my anxiety and self-hatred, so much so that there was only one way to deal with it...

It still made me cringe to even hear the words 'self-harm', so I don't like to think them either, however that doesn't change that that's what it was. Of course, it was a taboo subject; especially for a boy. After all, emotional pain is totally feminine! What a load of bullshit. It's something that I dragged myself out of; Something I never talked about, never even thought of admitting about to someone.

I was young, and I thought I just grew out of it.

Apparently, you don't grow out of these things, because I suddenly found myself reaching subconciously for the blade. I pulled my hand away quickly. Come on, Yuuri, you're better than that now. You're stronger now. You're an adult now, and adults should be able to deal with their problems safely and healthily.

But...who would notice? They didn't last time. Who would even care? I already messed up Viktor, and he'd be the only one to play close enough attention to see through my lies. What did I have to lose now?

People probably wouldn't even care if I died.

I was decided, and grabbed the razor off of the shelf, turning and closing the door behind me, before retreating straight back into my room without adressing my mother or my dinner. I locked the door and put a chair in front of it just in case, before sitting on my bed and staring at the glinting, sharp blade in my hand.

It looked smaller than the last time I'd used it.

I picked up my phone, looking through my Instagram photos mindlessly, before coming across the one I needed before I'd be brave enough to even start. Ah, there.

A picture of him.

Viktor was looking out over the Spanish beach, a small smile on his face, looking witsfully into the ocean. His hair was slightly ruffled in the wind, and his eyes were sparkling with that old, familiar childlike innocence.

That was the look that I shattered the day I told him we should end this.

I felt an awful bubbling in the pit of my stomach and before I knew it, there were three fresh, deep cuts on the inside of my wrist.

Much better.

I woke up with blood all over my sheets and clotted-looking lines covering the inside and outside of my left arm. I sighed, picking up my sheets and going to wash them in the sink whilst the hot spring had yet to be opened, washing my arm with the water as well, before bandaging my arm and throwing the now more pink-looking sheets into the wash pile. That's surely subtle enough not to be noticed by Mom, right?

Nobody seemed to be awake yet, and I didn't have the energy to look at the time, so I just scribbled out a note to Mom telling her I was at practice down at the rink, and then left, entering the Ice Castle with the spare keys Yuu-chan had loaned me after I started coming in earlier and earlier.

I threw my bags down mindlessly next to the rink and tied my skates before entering the ice.

I didn't notice the other person there.

AN: I know this is a bit short, but the next one will be longer. Jesus Christ I am so sorry. This is quick so, review if you liked and thank you very much for reading!
-AP