A/N: There are a lot of things in this chapter that I was uncomfortable with writing… pretty much anything related to the Larxel, and not just because I hate that pairing. But this is very important to Axel's character development, so I wrote it anyway. I make things sound worse than they are, and I'm probably just being paranoid…
I recommend reading "In the Shades of 100 Altered Suns" if you haven't already; there's a reference to one of those chapters somewhere in here.
Axel's 16, Xion's 15.
"Out of all the worst things that could happen, this is the! Worst! Possible! Thing!"
If Rarity was talking to me instead of the ponies in Friendship is Magic, I would agree with her.
I wrap my blanket tighter around myself, sinking deeper into the old couch. Too bad I can't sink all the way down and hide myself from the face of the universe.
"Gah, I'm such an idiot." I sound weaker and weaker every time I say it. I just let her use me… I let her mold me like freaking Play-Doh, and I liked it… That can't be what love is. I couldn't have really loved her. But still, four months of going through the motions just to be thrown out when I won't cave to the one thing she probably wanted all along…
I'm so wrapped up in angsting that I scream (very manly-sounding, I'm sure) and try to jump up when someone sits down beside me.
"Axel! It's o-okay, i-it's just m-m-me."
It's dark and I've been staring off into space at the TV, so it takes a minute for my eyes to adjust, but I'd know her voice anywhere.
"Xion?" I rub my bleary eyes. "What are you doing here?" She shouldn't be here, shouldn't see me looking like an emotional train wreck, I can't even look at her and her innocent blue eyes after what I came so close to doing…
She takes the remote from the coffee table and turns down the volume so we can hear ourselves over Twilight Sparkle's psychotic breakdown.
"K-Kairi texted me that s-something h-happened to you." Her teeth chatter as she shivers, and I realize she's soaking wet.
"Something happened to you! Did you walkall the way here?" For a moment I forget how much I feel like garbage and pull her close to bundle her up in my blanket.
"It's not s-s-so f-far." She shrugs like it's no big deal, which it obviously is.
"Xion, if you haven't noticed, it's sleeting outside. You could've froze to death!" She doesn't say anything, though I can feel her still shivering. Her soaked clothes are dampening my nightshirt, but I wrap my arms around her to keep her warm. "And isn't it past your curfew?" I probably sound like her mom, well, if her mom was still alive, but I don't care.
"Um…" She looks away. "I sort of… snuck out."
My eyes widen. I've been practically shunning her, along with all my friends, since I started going out with Larxene, and she'd still do that for me? I suddenly feel even more like scum than before. "You snuck out, walked all the way here through the sleet, and – how did you get in, anyway?"
"Kairi let m-me in." At least her teeth aren't chattering as bad now.
"Did she tell you to come?" If she did, I'm going to give her a Life Lesson on Not Turning Your Friends Into Popsicles.
Xion shakes her head, sending little bits of ice flying off of her hair. I brush off the rest and squeeze the cold water out.
"She said I should call you and that you'd want to tell me what was wrong yourself, but you didn't pick up even when she t-told you I was calling…"
So this, like every other evil in the universe, is my fault. I couldn't feel dirtier if I stuck my head in a toilet. Kairi tried to comfort me earlier when she got back from Riku's house and found me in the most humiliating moment of my life: drowning in angst, shirtless, feeling like poison was eating at every place Larxene had touched and kissed me… At least Xion came after I'd taken a shower. Not that that made me feel any cleaner on the inside.
"…So I c-came to check on you. She actually said some of the same stuff you did when I came in…" I wonder how I didn't hear them talking. Probably too lost in Angstland. "But don't worry, I'm okay. Oh, and I brought ice cream." She pulls two sea-salt bars out from under her coat like magic. My jaw drops open.
"So you snuck out, walked here through the sleet and at night, and brought me ice cream."
I don't deserve her friendship. I don't deserve to be in her presence, after how much of a jerk I was to her, after being so disgusting with Larxene…
Even with only the TV's light, I can see her blush as she nods. "I'm fine, really." She sets the ice cream on the table since I refuse to eat it with her still shivering next to me. "I knew you must be really upset, you always answer your phone when you're at home…"
It hurts so bad to even think of touching her with hands that could never, ever be as clean as hers, but I hug her tightly and tuck her into the crook of my neck because I have to make her feel better. She's still so clod and small and fragile-looking. I'm afraid she'll break if I'm not careful.
"Xion, don't ever do anything this nice for me again."
She hugs me back silently, not nearly as frozen as before. I sigh in relief. If anything bad happened to her, especially if it was my fault… Well, then I'd have two things I can never forgive myself for.
"You don't have to worry about me. I'm alright," I lie. She frowns and pulls back, seeing it as clearly as if I'd stamped "I'm a liar" on my forehead.
"No, you're not. I saw you when I came in – you had tears on your face. Nobody can cry while watching My Little Pony."
Apparently I broke a Universal Law, and on top of that, she saw me crying. Wonderful. I glance at the TV – the episode's over now, so it just shows the Netflix screen.
"Xion…" I wince. How can I tell her? If she knew, if I saw her look at me with the disgust I feel for myself…
Right now the only emotion in her eyes in concern. "Axel, please. You can tell me."
I look away. "You should go home. It's stupid for you to get in trouble just because I'm an idiot."
"It's hurting you, and I want to help." The determination in her blue eyes stops me from fleeing her gaze again. "I'm not leaving until you let me help you." Man, she can be as stubborn as me when she wants to.
I know out of all my friends, she's the only one I can talk to about this. Roxas wouldn't understand, Saïx would lecture me to death, and almost any other guy would say I should've just done what Larxene wanted, but Xion always listens, and hopefully… hopefully she'll forgive me.
"Okay, I'll tell you." I sigh, digging her out from under the blanket. "But first I'm cleaning you up."
She tries to protest, but I make her take some of Kairi's clothes (I don't want to barge into Kairi's room, so I grab a shirt and pants out of the dryer) and let her change into them in the bathroom. While she's doing that, I stash the ice cream in the freezer for a warmer day (I feel bad about that after she took the time to bring it here, but I'm not going to let her freeze her insides), turn off the TV, turn on a light, and whip up some hot chocolate.
"Thank you." She drops her soggy coat and other clothes by the door, looking a little odd in Kairi's pink style. I'm used to seeing her in darker colors, like black or purple, not that she looks bad in pink.
"I should be thanking you." I hand her a hot chocolate mug. "I'm sorry if I sounded mad at you for coming, I just didn't want you to get hurt because of me." That, and I didn't want her seeing me like this, but deep down I'm still glad she came.
"Axel, you worry about me all the time," she says as I grab a new blanket from the closet since the one we'd been using is damp and useless.
"Of course I do, you're my best friend, and, well, you're so much smaller than me…"
"I'm not that small," she huffs, which only makes her look more young and adorable, and she takes the blanket from me. "Let me worry about you for a change."
She makes me sit on the couch and drapes the huge red blanket over both of us, scooting close enough for us to share each other's body heat. Well, mostly my body heat, since I'm warmer than her even on her good days. She stares at me expectantly, and I slump in between the couch cushions, wanting to avoid her gaze. Might as well start at the beginning of this mess…
"Larxene dumped me," I mutter, feeling my eyes sting. Don't cry, don't cry in front of her again, I'm supposed to be the one who always has things under control…
"I… thought it might be something like that." She sips her hot chocolate, hiding her face for a moment. "…Did you love her?" She whispers.
"No." She looks startled by my firm answer. "No… I don't think I did. But it still hurts so bad…" Man, I am crying, I can't help it. I feel a little better when she wipes the tears from under my eyes.
"I'm listening," Xion whispers.
"She made me feel like dirt," I moan, then burn my throat by taking a big gulp of hot chocolate. "Actually, I'd like to feel like dirt. Dirt would be great. I fell like dirt's retarded second cousin that got disowned and kicked out of dirt-family reunions."
Xion giggles.
"It's not funny!" I snap, then realize I had kind of unintentionally made a joke. "Fine, maybe it was to you. You don't know what she did to me."
"Of course I don't, you haven't told me yet," she says soothingly.
"…Part of it was my fault." I look away, drinking my hot chocolate. Then I sigh. "A lot of it was my fault. I hate myself more than I hate her." It's true. I can't bring myself to hate her that much, it just takes too much energy. Hating myself is enough work.
"Axel, whatever happened, I'm still going to be your friend." She places a hand on my cheek to turn my face towards hers. I can't help comparing her hand to Larxene's, softer, gentler, innocent, not tempting me to do something I'd regret. "I promise."
I know she's not meaning to, but she's making me feel like dirt in the exact opposite way Larxene did.
"…Pinkie promise?" I ask, trying not to flinch away from her bright gaze.
She smiles. "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." She even does the motions with it. "Or did you mean the other pinkie promise?"
I laugh. "Promise accepted." Heh, I've let her turn me into way too much of a Brony. Still, My Little Pony jokes are fun. Too bad most people don't get them. "So…" I take a long sip of hot chocolate to stall, even though I should just get it over with. "…I guess I have to tell you now."
"You'll feel better if you get it off your chest," she replies.
Well… she did promise.
"Larxene came over for a date tonight," I begin awkwardly. "We were supposed to be watching a movie, but we pretty much ignored it, and… made out most of the time…" That happened on a lot of our dates, now that I think about it… And it was probably the part I enjoyed the most, too… Gah, gotta stop thinking about that. How can I even think about making out with her again after what happened?
Xion gags on her hot chocolate. I don't blame her; I sure wouldn't want to hear girls talk about kissing guys.
"Sorry, I'm okay…"
"You really don't want to hear the rest of this. It only gets worse," I tell her.
She shakes her head. "No, you need to tell someone. That's what you always say when something's bothering me. I'm here for you."
Sooo do not deserve her friendship. But she's offering it anyway…
"Well, sometime around… I wasn't exactly paying attention when, but anyway… She started asking questions, like if I really loved her and stuff like that. I said yes because – well I thought I did, in the moment –"
"But you don't, right?" Xion interrupts, sounding worried.
"Right, I don't." Thought I already clarified that… "Anyway, after that…" I wince, shuddering.
"Is it hurting you to tell me?" She asks, sympathy written on her face.
"…Yes," I admit. "But I promised, so I will, unless you tell me to stop."
She nods and takes a long sip of hot chocolate. "I'm ready."
I can't stall anymore. Here goes…
"I let… Larxene… take off my shirt," I say quickly under my breath. That wasn't even the bad part, but I still can't look at her, can't see her face… Gotta finish this fast, get the worst part over with. I leave out as much detail as possible. "We kissed some more, then she ended up sprawled all over me and she wanted me to take off her shirt too, and I started to and she was still all over me and I liked it because I'm a stupid, stupid idiot -"
"No," she whispers under her breath, sounding like she's choking. I make the mistake of glancing at her hands. Her hot chocolate is shaking in them. "No, Axel…"
For the first time ever, I can't even reach out to her to make her feel better, because it's all my fault in the first place. But I'm almost done, it's almost over, and then she can judge me as much as she wants and I'll take it. "But then I remembered…"
"Axel, I'm warning you, she'll only bring you trouble."
"She's bad, Axel. I've heard tons of stories, and if even half of them are true…"
"You can make your own choices, I mean, it's not my place to stop you, but I –"
Saïx. Kairi. Xion.
"…Remembered what?" Xion asks quietly. I still can't bear to look at her, but I can feel her shying away from me. She should.
"I remembered the people I really care about." I smile just a little, but it probably looks more like a grimace. "My parents, Kairi, Roxas, Saïx, and you."
"You remembered me?" Her voice sounds so hopeful, I finally look at her. She doesn't look as disgusted as I'd feared, but her eyes are flecked with sadness. And maybe some fear, too.
I look away again. "Yeah. And I realized… if I did that, I knew what would happen from there, and… Well, I had to take health class. I'm not a complete idiot, I guess." I chuckle uncomfortably. "That wasn't what really stopped me, though. I knew… I knew if I did that, I'd never be able to look you in the eyes again."
I make myself meet her gaze just to prove to myself I can. As much as it hurts, I know it would've hurt so much worse if I'd done that with Larxene.
"Axel." Her eyes are so innocent and tender. How can she look at me like that? I might not've gone as far as I could've, but I was so close. So close to probably messing up so many things forever. Sure, there are people who've done that and get away with it – I could list names – but there are even more who don't. Either way, you've still gotta live with the guilt. "I'm–"
I interrupt her, needing to finish first. "I told her that we should stop and how I thought about you guys, but then she just blew up at me and started insulting you guys to the moon and back – don't worry, I defended you," I say before she can interrupt. "I wasn't about to let some –" I censor the word I was going to say, "—jerk insult my friends like that, especially after that. I might've thought I loved her, but I know I love you guys."
She beams at me with one of the brightest smiles I've ever seen. I get a smile like that, after the stuff I told her earlier? "You did? Really?"
"Yeah, and the look on her face was priceless." I laugh. It sounds more like a gag. "She said she only dated me to make Demyx jealous and then she dumped me after that, though. Then I kicked her out." I smile a little smugly, not really upset about the getting-dumped part anymore. Yeah, it still stinks worse than Gaston's gym socks, but I don't want to be with someone who only wants to use me. I hate it when all my friends are right and I'm too much of an idiot to listen…
Which is the part that I am still upset about. I wish I could get those four months back – I neglected Xion and Roxas and Saïx and Kairi so much. And I still feel like dirt's retarded second cousin.
Xion stands up suddenly, almost tripping herself in an effort to get untangled from the blanket.
"Xi?" I get up too. "What're you doing?" She's been so quiet, barely reacting to all of this. Or at least I haven't watched her face enough during the worst parts to see her reactions. I don't doubt that she'll keep her promise, but it still worries me…
"Follow me." She runs out the door without explaining, and I chase after her.
"Xi, wait!" I grab two coats on my way out. "You're crazy! Come back!"
She wordlessly takes Kairi's coat from me. I look around – it's not sleeting anymore. A foot of snow covers the ground, with more blowing down and smacking us both in our faces.
"Are you trying to turn yourself into a popsicle?" We're both barefoot, and since the snow's sending chills up my legs, she must be freezing to death. Somehow she's not shivering yet, though.
"Lie down in the snow," Xion says. "Please. I'm going to show you something."
"How to get hypothermia?" I huff, even though I'm not that cold. I'm more worried about her. She could've at least put on some shoes…
"Please, Axel. This is important." Whatever it is she wants to show me, she seems pretty serious about it.
Well, she did just sit through my whole disturbing and probably-mentally-scarring angst-story, and walked through this stuff just to get here… "Fine." I flop backwards, sending up clouds of powder that get on my face. "Happy?"
"Now move your arms and legs." The way she says it sounds like she's telling me how to crack the Secret to Immortality or something.
"You mean make a snow angel?"
"…Yeah. Do that."
I make a snow angel and then stand up, having no clue where she's going with this. Xion walks up to me and clasps both her freezing hands around one of mine.
"That snow angel is the real you," she says sincerely. "That's what your soul is. An angel. That stuff that you did and almost-did with Larxene can't be the real you, because I know you're better than that." She's blushing now, and her gaze drops to the ground. "…My mom taught me that a long time ago."
It's weird and a little silly, but I think I get what she's saying. "Xion…"
"Wait, I'm not done yet." She squeezes my hand and takes a deep breath, looking me in the eyes again with new determination. I can't look away from her bright blue eyes, eyes that reflect the falling snowflakes. "I'm proud of you, Axel. You stood up to Larxene when it probably would've been easier for you to… to let her do that. You're stronger than you think, and you deserve someone as strong as you are, someone you love for real." Her hands gently slide off of mine, shaking from the cold. Or at least I assume it was the cold. "Never forget. That's the truth."
Her eyes shine with tears. Everything I did, and she's proud of me. What she just said – I know it came from the bottom of her heart, and it sounded… sounded wise. Like she grew up when I blinked.
But she's been grown up, hasn't she? For everything I say about her being small, she's not that much younger than me. And looking at her eyes… she's more feminine than I've noticed before. Beautiful. I've always called her cute in a little-girl-ish way, but this is different. It's in her eyes and face, not… other body parts that girls (Larxene) would show off. Not a seducing kind of beauty, but not a little-kid cute, either.
Xion is really beautiful… And she cares about me…
"Axel…?" She says hesitantly. I've been staring. A lot of thoughts are just starting to come together, but I shake my head to clear them. I've never thought about Xion like this before, and it's weird to now, especially after everything that happened with Larxene.
Still, she helped me not feel like dirt's retarded second cousin anymore. That's a pretty good excuse for hugging her tightly.
"Thank you, Xion." My voice is muffled against her hair. "You're amazing. I thought I was going to hate myself forever, but… at least I didn't mess up everything. I can still fix this."
I feel even better when she hugs me back, so much purer than any of Larxene's hugs. "If you feel better, then coming here was worth it."
See that? That's why I can't think about her like that. Whatever she said about me being stronger than I think, she's still way too good for me. But… I can change, right? I want to be better for her – as a friend. As a friend.
I hold Xion for a long time, both of us standing out in the snow, not shivering so much in each other's arms. She's still so small, but she doesn't feel fragile anymore.
"…Guess I should walk you home now." I don't want her to leave yet, but it's really, really late, and Eraqus would murder me – and punish her – if he found out Xion snuck out to come over here.
For a moment she looks like she wants to protest, but then she smiles sadly. "Yeah… Thank you, Axel."
I smile, ruffling her hair. "You thank me way too much, you know that?"
She blushes and brushes my hand away. I wonder if it annoys her when I do that, if it makes her feel like a little kid. She can be more mature than me in a lot of ways. I don't always keep that memorized…
I grab her wet clothes from inside, and we head back into the snow. Xion huddles close to me for warmth and we talk and laugh about dumb stuff the whole way to keep me from going back to Angstland. It's comfortable with her beside me, in a way I've never noticed before.
"Thanks again, Xion," I say while we walk up the long, winding road to her house. I still can't get over the fact that she walked that whole way just to come see me. "You're the best friend I could ever ask for."
She beams at me, and I swear it's like she lit up the whole street. It feels like she lit up something inside me, too. I haven't felt this good in ages – not since before I started going out with Larxene. I don't care how good of a kisser she was, I'd rather be with someone I know cares about me. And Xion does, even if we're only friends.
"Axel, you're spacing again." She giggles before frowning slightly. "You're not upset anymore, are you?"
I flash her a grin. "Not at all. Just thinking about my beautiful best friend."
I know from the pleased blush on her face that she likes it when I tell her things like that. I never stopped to wonder if it might be because I'm the one saying it, though.
After a hug goodnight, she unlocks the door and sneaks back into her house. Unfortunately, now I'm the one who has to walk all the way to my house, at night, alone, in the snow. But somehow it doesn't feel so cold.
Just being around Xion made me feel cleaner than a cool shower. She really is special, and she's been with me this whole time… She's the nicest, most innocent girl I know, and she'd never try to use me like Larxene did…
Maybe it's not so weird that I might want to be more than just friends with her.
A/N: I had to make so many drafts of this, it kept either squicking me out or just failing from a writer's standpoint, and I'm still not convinced it's as good as it could be… *sigh* Oh well.
Axel's a Brony. XD It's Xion's fault, and that will be explained at some point in the future. At first he was about as against it as Saïx is in the first BtI chapter. The episode he's watching is "Lesson Zero", the first episode of Season Two. And from that you know exactly how much of a Brony I am. XD/*sweatdrop*
Larxene is bad in this universe, but not quite as bad as she seems in this chapter. She pretty much did originally go out with him just to make Demyx jealous, but she still liked him some. I have most of their relationship planned out in my head, but it squicks me out so I can't write it. *sweatdrop* I might be able to write how Axel and Larxene first meet from Demyx's POV, though.