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Cheeseburgers and First Times

x-x-x-x-x

When Chuck picked Sarah up at the airport and told her that he had her favorite meal waiting at home, that suited Sarah just fine. She was starving.

It was sweet that Chuck would go to all the trouble of cooking her such a huge meal as lobster. It was an unusual thing to cook at home, especially with the absolute requirement of drawn butter. Surely he would know that. He was really trying. Hopefully he might even follow that up with The Montgomery they had talked about last night. Sarah knew that it was important that she not push him. She knew that he needed to go slow, that it would be better if he were the one to make the first move in the physical department. That's why she encouraged him on the phone last night. But if he came anywhere near a rose and a white jacket, he was certainly going to find out that it really did work when the girl wanted it to. And this particular girl was starting to really want it to.

She could hardly contain her excitement on the drive home, over the possibility of making real steps in their relationship tonight, but mostly because the thought of twice-baked potatoes was making her mouth water. As it was a must-have ingredient of her favorite meal, she really hoped he remembered it. Then again, he'd already demonstrated that he knew every single detail about her. Surely he would know a fact as simple as her love of twice-baked potatoes.

So when he slid the plate in front of her with a cheeseburger and fried potatoes, all Sarah could do was to stare down at it for a long moment.

'Stunned' was an understatement, a big one. She put a smile on her face, in an attempt to keep her disappointment from showing, but it was a struggle. Strangely, she found that it was less from the meal and more from finding out he didn't know her as well as she'd hoped. He must know that her diet wasn't heavy with red meats. That, combined with the greasy fried potatoes, the entire meal looked like an upset stomach waiting to happen.

Naturally, it took only one bite before Sarah realized that Chuck was, as usual, completely right. This was the best thing she'd ever tasted in her life, the favorite meal she didn't even know about. She chewed slowly, contemplating how many other favorites she was missing.

The sloppy burger, covered with condiments and toppings, including her beloved extra pickles, was messy to eat. She tried at first to keep the ketchup off her face so as not to look so foolish in front of him, but after a few more bites, she just went with it.

"Do we have any more?" she asked as she plopped the last bite into her mouth and licked the ketchup off her fingers.

Chuck's grin said he was clearly enjoying watching her devour that burger. "Of course. We usually split the next one, but I'm sure you're extra hungry tonight."

Sarah was far too busy and had her mouth far too full of food to carry on much conversation, which seemed to suit Chuck just fine. Finally, though, she couldn't take another bite, so she pushed away from the table.

"Thank you," she said. "That was without a doubt the best meal I've ever had."

"You're welcome," Chuck said. "Why don't you go unpack while I clean up the kitchen? Maybe you'd like to have a bubble bath and relax for a while. You're probably tired."

Sarah looked at him skeptically. "Are you really going to tell me that you do the cooking and the cleaning?" she asked. "That doesn't seem very fair."

"Well," Chuck admitted, "we usually did those things together, but I don't mind."

"Don't be silly," Sarah said lightly. "If I'm going to live here, I'm going to do my share."

Sarah shut her mouth abruptly, knowing instantly it was the wrong thing to say. He had frozen, and she didn't have to see the devastation on his face to know that treating this like it was an arrangement wasn't how she should be going about it at all, or to realize how much her slip up with words hurt him. Why was it that she couldn't seem to get a grip on this, that all the senseless things that fell from her lips were exactly wrong?

"I didn't mean to say 'if'," she said quietly.

"Okay," Chuck said as he resumed cleaning up, but it was unconvincing.

She felt an irrational bubble of anger in her chest. Yes, this was an unimaginably difficult situation for him, but she was having a tough time too. She was tired. He shouldn't be so sensitive over thoughtless phrasing.

"Come on, Chuck," she said much more firmly, "you know I didn't mean it like that."

"It's okay, Sarah," Chuck said. "Sorry. I know I'm being sensitive."

"You are. Stupidly sensitive," she agreed, lips pressed together in a firm line. She pushed down the frustration, because her husband was scared about losing his wife. That was not a suitable situation. She grabbed his hand, gave it a little tug to force him to look at her. "But it's not okay. I'm not as fragile as you think, Chuck." Her first instinct was to rail against him, make him see how stupid he was being. But she had to go slowly with this, with him. Her thumb ran slowly over his wrist as she looked in his eyes. He wasn't ready to be at ease around her, but maybe he wasn't quite ready for strong displays of affection either. There was middle ground though. A sly grin spread over her face as she joked, "It was a stupid slip of the tongue. I'd tell you that I'd do anything to make it up to you, but I recently had a bad experience with that sort of thing. When I told the room service delivery guy last night I'd do anything for an extra roll, he, well, he came up with something pretty disgusting."

That got them both laughing.

"I'll bet," Chuck said. "Would it make me sound insanely jealous if I said that we have to find you another hotel the next time you travel to Washington?"

That got them laughing even harder, and Sarah had to admit, it felt good, cathartic. Whether it was because of the laughter or because the immediate crises had been averted without casualties, she wasn't sure. As she slid into his arms and settled into an embrace, though, she knew she was lucky.

"Yes," she said, still laughing, "it would actually. But I'll give you a pass. Husbands are supposed to be a little jealous."

If anything, this little incident made one decision easier – she wouldn't be telling Chuck the story of Agent Gold's asinine behavior, at least not tonight. He may have been teasing about the hotel, but he was clearly the jealous type. Knowing there was someone in this world who cared about her enough to become protective over her made her strangely happy, but it also meant that she would have to tread carefully with the fact that she was clearly desirable to other men.

Sensing Chuck was growing uncomfortable with the length of their embrace, which had starting off friendly but was quickly developing into something more intimate, she fought her instinct to kiss him and instead stepped back.

"I'll tell you what," she said, "I'll let you clean up tonight while I take a bath, but only if we agree that we'll do those things together from now on. Okay?"

She looked up at him expectantly. It really was sweet of him to take care of the chores. She only hoped he would ease up on trying to take care of everything pretty soon. As nice as it was to have a husband who cleaned and cooked, or at least bought food, he shouldn't have to do everything. She wanted to help too, even if it was only with simple things like cleaning up the dishes. She wanted to do her part.

"You have a deal," Chuck said with a smile. He was not about to object to any opportunity to spend more time with her. "You're probably exhausted, and we've got a big day tomorrow. Why don't you go to sleep after your bath, and I'll see you in the morning, all right?"

Sarah nodded, trying hard to keep the disappointment from her face at the prospect of separate beds again. She was trying her best to go at a pace Chuck would be comfortable with, but how long was this going to last? It was probably for the best though. Given that she could barely control herself around him at regular hours, being in the same bed with him would undoubtedly lead to cuddling, which would very quickly lead to much more.

But they were married, had been for almost a year. More importantly, they were in love with each other. She may not be able to remember it, but they must have had sex scores of times. The world would not stop turning if they started acting like the married couple that they not only were but both genuinely wanted to be. Besides, what was this 'big day' they had tomorrow? She really hated surprises.

"Don't look so worried," Chuck said as he piled the dishes into the sink for a rinse. He grinned. "I haven't forgotten that you hate surprises, but I have my reasons. You're just going to have to trust me."

Sarah twisted her lips. How could she possibly argue with that? So instead of arguing, she leaned in and gave him a quick but affectionate kiss. "Goodnight, Chuck."

x-x-x-x-x

Chuck lay awake in his bed to his familiar routine of tossing and turning. He had come to hate bedtime. During the day he had things to keep his mind occupied, but at night all he could do was think about the empty side of the bed where she used to be. Yes, she was back home, which was a huge relief. Even better, she was showing signs of being comfortable here. And although her memory was returning in frustratingly small nuggets, it was returning.

Grudgingly, Chuck had to admit, even if it was just to himself, he was enjoying living with the new Sarah more than he feared. That was not something he could tell her, not when he couldn't see it as anything but a betrayal of her memory. Now, though, Sarah was more open, more comfortable talking, quicker to laugh and tease, definitely more affectionate. All those were good things, weren't they?

Still, their future together was far from a sure thing at this point. It was a positive sign that she seemed to be making such a genuine effort to reassure him, and there were times, glimpses really, when he swore that his old Sarah was standing there. Tonight after dinner was the most powerful. As she held him he could almost imagine that the incident with Quinn had never happened.

And that was the danger. If he allowed himself to give in to those feelings he would drive her away. And that was something that simply couldn't happen.

With him being so wrapped up in those desperate thoughts, Chuck didn't notice that Sarah was sitting on the side of the bed until he rolled over towards her.

"Sarah," he asked with concern. "What's the matter?"

"I can't sleep," Sarah said.

The words were barely out of her mouth before his expression turned to one of despair. Even in the dark, she could see it. She could tell immediately that he was jumping to exactly the wrong conclusion again – that she was uncomfortable here. She almost wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him for not being able to realize that she was working as hard at this as he was, that she was just as frantic to make it work.

She cleared her throat and, watching him pull himself into a sitting position, said, "I'm sorry that I woke you."

"No, don't be silly," he replied sleepily, rubbing at his eyes. "You didn't wake me. I haven't been sleeping all that well myself either."

Sarah bit back a sigh and blew her breath out slowly. This was getting ridiculous. They both just needed to relax. With sudden determination, she lay down and plopped her head on the pillow, making sure to keep a respectful distance from him. But she also made it clear that she was in bed with him, and she wasn't going away.

"Tell me a story," she requested. "We kissed in front of a bomb. We thought we were going to die? What was that about?"

Chuck shrugged, his shoulders relaxing. "I only wish I knew," he said through a short laugh. "I was so confused about everything back then. Our relationship was a cover, but sometimes it felt so real. I know now that you just couldn't admit what you were feeling or you would have gotten into big trouble. But at the time I was frustrated. I'm afraid that I . . ."

"You broke up with me," she finished for him, sliding her cold feet under the covers. That explained the entry in the mission log, why she was so miserable. It must have been hell, falling for the sweetest man in the world and not being able to tell him. "You started dating that Lou girl from the deli." She paused, frowning, and stopped short of telling him the scene she remembered all too well, the moment when he had broken off their cover relationship, and she was forced to watch him leave, watch him walk across the street to go to another woman. That wouldn't do any good. But maybe acknowledging the hurt in her heart would, now that she was free to.

His shoulders slumped. "Why is it that you only remember the bad things?" he asked, only half-kidding. "Yeah, I'm afraid that I wasn't very supportive back then. But I am embarrassed, so you know."

She reached over and placed her hand softly over his. "Don't be," she said through a soft yawn. "I get it. It was hard for me too, falling for someone but not being able to say everything you want to. I think I understand why I'm only remembering the struggles."

"Okay, what's your theory?"

"We fought for each other, Chuck. Love doesn't come from having everything fall in your lap. It comes from the hardships and the trials, and the bonds we create during those times. It hasn't been easy, has it?"

"No, it hasn't," he agreed readily. "That's part of what makes what we had, um, what we have, so special."

Sarah noticed the tense mix-up, but wisely decided to let it slide. He didn't mean anything by it, and she'd already done the same thing several times.

"God, I was so jealous," she admitted, already feeling her eyelids growing heavy. "I'll bet I never admitted that to you. It's not exactly something I would've done." Somehow, even with the huge strides they were making, that didn't seem nearly honest enough. "I still am jealous, I think. How long's it been since you saw her? Do I have any reason to pay her a visit and maybe show her one of my knives?"

Chuck, to his credit, realized that she wasn't really kidding. Her confession sent a tingle down his spine. A person didn't get jealous unless there was something to be jealous about.

"Trust me," he said softly, "that won't be necessary. She hates me."

Sarah's eyebrows shot up in surprise. No one could hate a guy like Chuck. "What? Why would she hate you?"

He shrugged noncommittally, but she nudged him with her elbow, making him smile. He said, "Lou was fiery, and had issues with exes. When I told her I was in love with someone else, she didn't take it very well. I haven't been in the deli since. I'm pretty sure she would spit on my sandwich, in fact." His voice took on a wistful quality as he added, "A shame. I really loved her corned beef and Swiss."

Sarah pursed her lips. "I can make a pretty mean sandwich, you know."

"Thanks for the offer," he chuckled softly. Switching gears, he said, "I wasn't expecting you to kiss me that night. We'd been fighting so much that it was the very last thing I expected. You want to know something though?"

"What's that?"

"It would have been worth being blown up for. It's funny about first times, isn't it? As great and exciting as they are, it always gets better."

She felt herself grinning as she reached over to poke him in the arm. "Are you talking about that kiss in the airport yesterday?" she asked through a yawn. She settled down on the pillow, watching his face take on a pinkish tint.

Chuck reflected on the question for a moment. "Maybe," he finally replied softly. "But I have to tell you, that kiss yesterday was ten times better than our first kiss, hands down. It was just as unexpected though. Kissing is something that we've gotten very good at. It's actually the thing I miss most." After a brief pause, he ventured, "Do you remember any of them?"

Sarah's only response was a soft snore. She was fast asleep.

Chuck considered, briefly, giving her the bed and going to sleep on the sofa, but he decided to stay. For one thing, she still had a firm grasp on his hand. Leaving would probably wake her, and he didn't want her to have any trouble falling back asleep. More importantly, she looked comfortable. She had to be comfortable, if she fell asleep that quickly, and he knew her well enough to realize how big that was. In fact, whether she realized it or not, there wasn't much she could have done better for him at this point. For the first time, Chuck allowed himself to hope that this would work out.

He reached down with his free hand and pulled the covers over her, up to her shoulders. Then he bent down to kiss the top of her head. "Goodnight, Sarah," he whispered. "I'm still willing to fight just as hard. Just don't give up on me, please."

Five minutes later, Chuck was sleeping as soundly as his wife was.

x-x-x-x-x

Chuck hovered between sleep and waking. Eyes closed, he felt like every sensation was ten times greater. He could feel Sarah in her normal position, snuggled comfortably against his chest, hand beneath his t-shirt, rubbing soft circles on his stomach. The glance of her fingers over his abdomen was enough to set him on fire. He could feel her breath against his collarbone, warm and steady. Her legs were intertwined with his so that he wasn't sure where he ended and where she began. He smiled as he came more fully awake, but kept his eyes closed, absently stroking her hair.

Sarah stirred, letting out a low, drowsy groan.

He chuckled softly, his breath sending wisps of her hair fluttering. "Morning, babe," he said, finally opening his eyes to the sight of his beautiful wife in the morning. He stretched to place a kiss on her forehead.

He was only a few seconds too late in realizing his mistake. He grimaced, pushing back the vestiges of memory that still clung to his mind, refusing to let go. He wanted nothing more than to slide away from her, out of this intimate position, but he was frozen. Sarah never would have allowed herself to be caught like this with anyone except those she trusted with her very soul, except with him, as they were before. As heavenly as it felt to hold his wife, this was definitely something that could scare her into running. Unfortunately, there was little he could do. Trying to untangle himself would only wake her up. He was saved from making a decision when turned her face up to his.

"Hey," she murmured, a smile on her lips. "This is how we always sleep, isn't it?" she asked, not moving a bit or even lifting her head from its comfortable spot. It was far more of a statement than a question.

"Uh, yeah," he replied. "Do you remember?"

She sighed and shook her head. "No, not really. I don't have to remember though. This just . . . it feels right, Chuck, like this is where I belong."

"Sarah, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen."

Stubbornly, Sarah stayed right where she was, like she was going to relish every single second with him. "Stop that," she scoffed lightly. "I'm not, and I'm the one who tried to take over your side of the bed."

This was unquestionably the best feeling of her life, waking up next to a man who loved her, being held, feeling secure. The mere thought that she'd experienced this wonderful feeling every night for over a year without any recollection of it saddened her.

"This is a good feeling, Chuck," she continued emphatically. "Why would you be sorry for that?"

"I just meant it's a bit too soon, isn't it?" he shrugged. "I promised to not pressure you. Pretty sure getting you in bed and feeling you up in your sleep violates that."

Sarah sighed again, louder this time, as she forced herself to roll away from him. Being this close to him felt so good that if she didn't get away from him soon, she was more than likely going to start ripping clothes off and start the day off with a big bang. Not exactly something Chuck was ready for.

"You felt me up?" she asked with a smirk. "I must have missed that part. Maybe you could show me again?"

Chuck laughed, but she could tell by how red his face was that he was incredibly embarrassed. He was also incredibly cute though.

"Okay, maybe not literally," he protested, "but we were very close. Who knows what happened while I was asleep? It was only a matter of time."

She wanted desperately to kiss him, to devour him. Maybe he wasn't quite ready for it, but he clearly wanted it, too. She also knew that they were very close to a point of no return. If she were to kiss him here, in bed, there was no going back. If he wanted to wait, she'd force herself to wait with him. Still, that didn't mean she had to give up completely. He needed to compromise a little in this deal as well, stop feeling so panicked.

"Would it really be that horrible?" she asked, eyebrow quirked.

A melancholy look crossed his face, gone in a moment. "I'm sure I could suffer through it."

"Look, Chuck," she said, reaching for his hand. "This is hard, for both of us, but you need to stop walking on eggshells around me. I want this to work just as much as you do. I'm not going to let this fail, okay?" She waited for him to nod before continuing. "Now, we both want to make this work, but why does have to feel so much like work? We're young and in love. We should be having fun. We should be happy, not miserable. And you know what? I like sleeping beside you. That's something that makes me happy, so you're just going to have to deal with it."

A smile tugged at Chuck's mouth. "You want to sleep here? What if . . ."

"What if you really do feel me up?" she asked with a soft chuckle. "You're my husband, Chuck. If snuggling with you is the price I have to pay for feeling like I do when I'm beside you? It's no price, Chuck. This isn't just some arrangement. It's a partnership. We need to start acting like partners. Any questions?"

Chuck knew that tone, and it made his heart soar. Before they were married, Sarah – Agent Walker – would never have been that open with her feelings, would never have gone on that rant. She would have suffered in silence. No, this was Sarah Bartowski – his wife – just before the accident. She always was fond of telling him when he was being a fool, especially in regard to their relationship.

He also knew her well enough to know that it was decided now. He could either give in peacefully or fight, and lose. Still, he had to make sure.

"Just one," he said with a grin. "I understand that you're trying to look out for me, I really do, just like I'm trying to look out for you. But are you sure it's not too soon?"

"That's not a very good question," she told him, smiling back at him. She leaned toward him, her face close to his, and put her mouth near his ear. "Any other questions?"

"No, ma'am," Chuck said playfully.

"Good," Sarah said as she teasingly pushed him out of bed. "Now go take your cold shower before you end up hurting yourself."

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