The Awesome Sorting Hat
According to a wide range of fanfictions, the sorting hat is all knowing. It knows your deepest, darkest secrets, it knows your past, and it also knows your future. So, we were thinking, if the sorting hat knows the future, it must have been extremely incapable, dumb, or else scared for this to not have happened…
"Tom Riddle!"
The tall, haughty looking first year walked up to the stool with his head held up high. He jammed the hat on, eager for this to be over.
Unfortunately, that was not going to happen.
To everyone else in the hall, it just looked like this 'Tom Riddle' was a hard one to sort. But, however, to the boy sitting there dumbfounded, it was a completely different case.
"AHHHH OMG OMG OMG THIS IS SOOOOO FREAAAAAAKKKKKKYYY! AHHHH HEEEEELLLLPPPPPPPP!" said "a small voice in his head".
"Shut up, you stupid hat, just sort me already!" thought Riddle silently. He was seething. What the hell was the damn hat on about?
"OMG, LIKE, WHAT? IM LIKE, TOTALLY ON THE EVILEST WIZARD EVER TO EXIST'S HEAD, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO, LIKE, SHUT UP?" it screeched, loud enough for the whole hall to hear. Hm. Who knew hats had a temper?
Ok, by now the whole school was very confused…
Then, in a flash, the sorting hat slipped off the boy's head and strangled him.
"Whoohoo~!" it sang. "I like, totally just saved about a billion people's asses in the future~!"
Then the hat realised that it had just committed homicide. Whoops. Well, like it cares, anyway. I mean, putting a hat into Azkaban is toooootallly the stupidest thing anyone can do.
Anyway, everyone was really shocked and horrified of the sorting hat, until it explained everything and cleared everything up. No harm done. It was treated like a hero.
That night though, it was then burnt into ashes by around a billion rabid fangirls because it had prevented the Harry Potter series from existing. Better luck next time, hat!