Kylo lay back on his bed, stunned. He couldn't bring himself to move. The last half hour had been surreal, like something from a dream. If it weren't for the glove Rey'd left behind on her hurry to escape, he'd have thought he'd imagined the whole thing. Maybe that would have been better. Being with Rey was amazing but it was a mistake. She certainly seemed to think so; she'd completely shut down on him. And she didn't know the half of it. The voice that had whispered to him in his childhood was back.
He'd known Snoke wouldn't let him go without a fight, he'd known the darkness would call to him. But he hadn't known it would be this hard. The battle against the darkness was a constant struggle. Snoke called to him louder than he ever had in his childhood. He promised him a return to glory and power. Just the thought made Kylo weak. He craved the power, the control. Uncle Luke had once told him the dark side was like a drug and he'd been right. Kylo knew he was an addict. He couldn't tell Luke or his mother about his conflict. They were having enough trouble trusting him as it was. Not that he blamed them, they were right to worry. He wasn't sure how long he'd be able to resist the dark. Which was why getting involved with Rey was so dangerous. It would put her in harm's way and he'd never be able to live with himself if he hurt her.
Sadly, Rey had been impossible to resist. He'd wanted her, craved her, from the first time he'd laid eyes on her. She was incredible, fierce and beautiful. Full of fire, yet she belonged completely to the light. Though he'd left the First Order for her, he had never really believed anything would happen between them. He'd never thought Rey would reciprocate his feelings, he'd never thought she could want him. Then she'd shown up at his door. She'd kissed him. He'd lost all control and there was no going back. She's disgusted with herself, the voice whispered. She hates herself for sleeping with you.
"Shut up," Kylo muttered. "I won't listen to your lies, not anymore."
You know it's true, that's why she left. She'll never understand you, she doesn't know the darkness. There's too much light in her.
"I said shut up," Kylo said. "That's not it, she just needs time."
It's better this way, Snoke insisted. You can't control yourself, you'd destroy her.
"Get the fuck out of my head!" Kylo yelled. Just then, the door to the barrack creaked open.
"Ben!" Leia called. She refused to use the name Kylo Ren. "Are you still awake?"
Kylo shot up so fast he nearly fell over. He grabbed his clothes and pulled them on, stubbing his toe on a chair in the process.
"Yeah!" he squeaked, then cleared his throat. "I'm just doing some reading."
Leia stood in his doorway, a look of concern on her weary face. "I just talked to Luke," she said. "He told me Rey has decided to abandon her training."
Kylo decided to play dumb. "Oh? Why is that?"
Leia wasn't fooled. "I think you know why. I saw Rey leaving."
Kylo looked at the floor, blushing. "She just came here to talk," he insisted.
"Relax, Ben. I know you aren't a kid anymore. Rey did look pretty upset though." Leia didn't seem angry, she seemed genuinely worried. "What happened?"
"She um, well…" he stammered, not used to discoing such things with his mother. "She came here and she…initiated things. But then she freaked out and took off after. It was like she couldn't get out of here fast enough." He sighed. "It was like she was running away."
"She probably just needs time to think things over. This is a huge step for her, she's just given up everything she's been working for."
Kylo wasn't convinced. "Yeah, maybe."
"In fact," Leia added. "I think you should do the same."
"What do you mean?"
"I just think you should really think about this… thing you have with Rey. I'm just not sure you're going to be able to handle it." Leia sighed. "Believe me Ben, I hate to say this but you aren't exactly stable right now. Rey may seem strong but she's delicate in many ways. I'm afraid you might be too much for her. She's so young."
"She's not a child," Kylo reminded her.
"Rey is easily hurt. She's had a hard, lonely life. She needs stability, love."
"And I can't provide that?" Kylo asked, then regretted it. His mother was right, there was no way he could give Rey what she needed. At least not now.
"Ben, you just got back. I know you have to be struggling. Focus on your recovery." She pulled him into a hug. "Everything else will fall into place."
"I'll try," Kylo promised. He wiggled away from Leia's embrace. "I'm going to bed now. Good night."
"Good night, Ben. I love you." Leia left the room, shutting to door behind her.
Kylo returned to his bed, his thoughts racing. Everything his mother had said was true, he knew he wasn't what Rey needed. But just as he wasn't sure he could resist the darkness, he wasn't sure he could resist Rey.