O. M. G. How you guys must hate me! I'm really, really, REALLY very, very sorry I took so long to update. My excuse is an unusual form of writer's block -in that I could find nothing to write for this story, but I've been really busy with other ones in the meantime. I'm afraid this will continue to be erratic, because now I have two other series to update(really, what was I thinking? I. Can. Not. Multitask.) But don't worry, I'm not abandoning this story, I intend to see it through till the end!
Please do review, a review will really tell what I'm doing right, and, more importantly, what I'm doing wrong!
Oh, and a little note: There are slight religious mentions in this chapter. I just have to say that these are not my own religious opinions, but what I think is right for the character in question. The mentions are hardly radical or controversial(in my opinion), but people tend to get very touchy when religion is brought up, so please, DO NOT take this too seriously, it's all just for the sake of a good story!
Betrothed
The days immediately following Carlisle's proposal were a hazy blur. Although vampire memories are impeccable and so I should remember every single moment of my life from the second I opened my eyes in that mountain cabin, I don't. All I remember from those cold first two weeks in January, 1921, is Carlisle. His eyes, the way they glimmered when he saw me. His smile, the way his lips curved in appreciation and joy. His voice, the way he said my name and made it sound like the most beautiful music in the world. In those two weeks, I was surrounded and engulfed by his presence.
Sometimes I try to look back and remember other things from that time. Sometimes I do remember things, like the woods, and the little cabin, the books and Edward. But mostly I remember just Him –holding his hands, running with him, hunting with him…
Everything in my 'initiation' that Carlisle missed in those first three days were quickly made up and recovered within twenty four hours. Since I was a Newborn, I had to hunt frequently; the first two times I had gone with Edward, but the third time was my first with Carlisle.
It had been the very day after the revelations, and I found myself unduly excited as we quit the cabin, hand in hand.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" –he asked me gently as we strode into the woods.
"Of course I am. I've done it twice already, if you didn't know," I said, eyeing him with mock-accusation.
Carlisle sighed. "Esme, I-"
Quickly I whipped around to step in front of him. Even as he halted abruptly, I placed my free hand on his lips with a soft reprimand. "Shh," I murmured. "What did I tell you last night?"
He raised his eyebrows and smiled. "I know. No regrets."
"None," I confirmed and leaned up and give him a quick kiss on his lips. But as I quickly made to move away, he was faster, and he snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me up again, kissing me this time with such forcefulness that I was melting in his arms.
We broke apart several moments later, both of us breathless again. Once again I waited for him to speak; if I even accidentally smelled his intoxicating aroma in that state, I'd be onto him like a leech.
He did speak after gathering in his own ragged breath –"I don't think I'll ever get used to that." He let out a short, ragged chuckle.
"Nor I," I whispered tentatively.
He beamed at me and kissed me softly on my forehead before letting me go, only holding my hand as he said, "Let's hunt."
I had been looking forward to the hunt that day, just to see Carlisle. He was always so poised, so in control, that I was curious to see him in his own natural element. I had a lot of expectations, and I was also worried I'd be too busy feeding myself to watch him.
I needn't have bothered.
Carlisle was magnificent. The way he moved, the way his eyes turned to glimmering stone as he concentrated, the way his lips were set in a determined line as he gained on his prey, the way the muscles on his back rippled as he lunged, the ones on his arms flexed as he caught hold of the animal… it was simply stunning. He had given over to his instincts, it was true, there was something dangerously feral about him, but he was still strictly in control –I could see it in each smooth move of his limbs, in his careful, unhurried movements as he sated his thirst. Words could not express what I felt at that time. It was simply glorious, a show of awesome power and elegance.
I was so absorbed in watching him that I hadn't moved a muscle. I simply stood several feet away, gazing at my golden angel with admiration and pride. Carlisle seemed not to notice as he hunted, but then he straightened up and turned to me with an amused smile, gesturing at several fresh carcasses at his feet that he had amassed for me. As soon as my sight locked onto the still warm bodies, all else was forgotten; with a loud growl of pleasure, I leaped onto them and drained them, just as noisily and as messily as the first two times.
When I stood up to face him, just a foot or two away from him, I was covered in deer blood. Whereas Carlisle stood there in his immaculate white shirt, his suspenders holding up his unwrinkled trousers with the same neatness as if he were standing in the waiting room of a hospital.
I grimaced and looked away, embarrassed. "I'm sorry," I mumbled.
He laughed lightly and stepped towards me; clutching my chin with his hand, he gently wiped the blood from my cheeks. "Whatever for?" –he murmured softly, fingers stroking my cheeks gently.
I willed myself to look into his eyes, and was surprised by what I saw there –it was joy, pleasure, and unmistakeable pride. Pride.
"For the mess," I said uncertainly.
He laughed again, golden eyes twinkling. "Esme, my love," a sharp electric shiver passed through my body at the endearment, "hunting is always messy. It took me several months until I could accomplish this," he gestured at his neat attire.
"Several months?" –I asked, dismayed.
He grinned and touched my nose lightly with his, before leaning back and saying, "Perhaps sooner, you are a fast learner."
"But…" –I started, feeling another doubt rising within my head.
"But what?" –he prodded gently, after I remained silent for several moments.
"It doesn't bother you?" –I asked quietly.
"Bother me? Why should it bother me?"
I shrugged, still eyeing the forest floor. "It's uncivilized. Wild." I hesitated before I said the last word, "Ugly."
Comprehension flashed in his eyes. He took my face in his hands so I could see no where else but him. "Esme," he said slowly, seriously, "You are always beautiful. You always have been. You have so much beauty within you, so much… that it seems too much sometimes." He smiled wryly. "More than I could ever dream of holding in my arms."
I had stopped breathing, and my eyes were wide open as I took his words in. It felt like my heart would burst with all the happiness it was swelling with. And we were frozen like that for several long minutes –my face in his hands, and our gazes locked onto each other. Several times after that, through all these decades, we have had moments like those: finding ourselves in an unexpected tender moment, and freezing that moment for as long as possible, possibly in an effort to preserve that feeling of pure contentment, or in a wish to never want the moment to end.
That morning, in the snow, surrounded by deer carcasses, our tender frozen moment was persisting seemingly without pause, but since it was early days in our romance yet, the passion still raged bright within us, just below the surface. Soon, I could feel the queer electric urge rolling through my cold body, even as I watched his golden eyes blur with familiar hunger and passion. He unfroze first –his fingers on my face flexed and slowly slid down my cheeks to curve around my neck.
I so badly wanted it to continue, to reach the satisfying result we both yearned for –and so I surprised myself when I cleared my throat and made an effort to lighten the atmosphere.
"Well, Dr. Cullen," I said, my voice smooth simply because of my vampiric steadiness, "you have a highly questionable manner of stealing my words from me."
With a flash of a look that seemed to echo guilt, relief, and approval, Carlisle then relaxed into my favourite look –one of mingled amusement and joy.
"Indeed, Miss Platt? I suppose I simply must apologize. Do forgive me for my thoughtlessness."
I answered with a delighted giggle that echoed loudly in the silent woods around us.
"Your accent!" –I gasped, laughing. "It's English!"
"Of course it is," Carlisle said, still with the same accent, and with a nonchalant shrug, although his eyes twinkled with mischief. "What did you expect? I was born in London."
"Really?" –I asked eagerly, curiosity replacing my mirth.
Carlisle's face darkened, ever so slightly. "Yes. I'm surprised Edward didn't tell you."
"He said he'd leave it to you to tell your own stories."
"Clever lad."
We had started to walk again, back towards the cabin, at a slow, leisurely, human pace. Carlisle was holding my hand with the same affection as before, his voice was just as mild and unassuming as ever, but somehow, I could tell he was suddenly disgruntled.
"Do you remember much of your human memories?" –I asked gently, not wishing to open an obvious rankling wound.
"A few, here and there."
"Oh."
We walked on, uncharacteristically silent. Whatever silence we had had between us had always been warm, companionable –this silence was heavy in its oppression.
I remained meekly quiet, waiting for him to speak. By the hard glint in his eyes, and his pursed lips, he looked like he was remembering something quite unpleasant.
After several long, long minutes, Carlisle broke the silence with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Esme. I'm afraid I'm acting like an old curmudgeon, which I probably would have been at this impossible age." He had reverted to his normal American accent, which I had to admit, disappointed me just a little. I mean, really –an English accent is so… so dashing!
"It's alright, my love" I assured him, taking particular care to show that I did mean my words, and adding the endearment to soothe him, which, I was glad to notice, did.
He ran his free hand through his hair with another sigh. "It just so happens that," he hesitated, then continued carefully, "that I do not like to remember much of my human existence. I… I'm not proud of that part of my life."
"Well," I said staunchly, "It also happens that you have had several more lifetimes' worth of existence since then to be proud of." I squeezed his hand gently, and he smiled.
"I wonder, Esme, what have I been doing before you came into my life?"
"Busy being possibly the greatest doctor in history, and, even more importantly –staying away from divinely beautiful women and curbing your incubus instincts?" –I said with mock-ferocity.
Carlisle let out a short bark of laughter, and I was glad I had lightened the mood again. "Well, there was this one woman in Venice in 1746… as you say, most divinely beautiful." He grinned at me impishly, and I swatted him on his arm lightly, which still seemed to cause some effect, since he was rubbing his arm, laughing, as he added, "I remember Casanova was most seriously displeased."
I let my furious look drop and stared at him with wonder, instead. "You actually met Giacomo Casanova?"
He shrugged, still grinning. "Barely introduced to. I was a 'struggling medical student', at the time, and I was hardly in the same social strata. He only noticed me when the woman he had his eyes on was unduly interested in me, rather than him."
I kept staring at him for several long seconds, until he turned to me and asked me, confused, "What?"
"It's just that you're so… old." –I blurted before I could think of some better words to express myself.
Carlisle winced. "I prefer 'antiquated'," he said mildly, attempting to keep in with the same jocular vein a about a minute previously. Mentally, I cursed myself for being so crude.
"Carlisle, I say that because I am awed by how much you must have seen, experienced first hand. It just… overwhelms me that I seem like an actual fledgling compared to your 'antiquity', as you said it," I explained calmly. "Otherwise… you know, you're actually three years younger than me."
He smiled half-heartedly. "That does not count. Esme," he added, all seriousness once more, "if you think… us too unequal, and find yourself awkward from that, you must-"
I didn't let him finish. I assured him of my unconcern with the only and best way I could think of. I clutched hold of his collar and pulled his face down to kiss him passionately, my move so abrupt that his collar tore like soft tissue in my fingers and Carlisle stumbled. Actually stumbled.
"I love you, Carlisle, for heaven's sake," I wheezed, after letting go. "How many times should I say it until you believe it?"
He smiled, a gentle smile that actually made my knees go weak, which was indeed strange, since my knees were supposed to be solid stone. "As many times as you can, my dear. I still can't believe my own good fortune, and so you must keep reminding me at every opportunity."
I flashed back a smile matching his own, my fingers curling absently in his soft hair. "I intend to. For eternity."
And so, I suppose, it's not really hard to believe that Carlisle occupied my thoughts days and night for several weeks after that. Not that he didn't later, but I managed to acknowledge other things along with Carlisle's presence only after some time.
Edward, meanwhile, was determined to let us have our 'courtship' in peace, as he so quaintly put it. Every time Carlisle and I tried to involve him with us, he'd retreat, either into the cabin if we ventured out, or vice versa, with a knowing smile and a sardonic roll of his amber eyes.
For a whole, blissful week, Carlisle and I remained together, forever in each other's company, not even letting go of the other's hand once. Only then did we realize and remember that we had plans to make. Carlisle intended to venture into Ashland again and leave the town with a proper, unsuspicious exit, saying he'd need a recommendation for the next town we'd go to, where Carlisle would aspire for a slightly higher starting position than before, "seeing as I'll be moving with my family," he said with a smile. It was then that I found out that Carlisle Cullen was a very, very rich man –from all the lifetimes of jobs he'd been on, added to the now priceless antiques he'd acquired in his extended existence. We would be able to live a very comfortable life indeed.
At the same time, we began to make wedding plans, since we were both quite eager for the forced restriction between us to end as soon as possible. It would obviously not be grand, and I was sure there wouldn't be any guests at all. But it would be a proper wedding, in a church, officiated by a member of a religious community.
At first, I didn't really even want that. A simple exchanging of personalized vows('till death do us apart' didn't really apply in our case) and an exchanging of rings with Edward in attendance at our cabin was more than I wanted. My marriage to Carlisle was not signified by frills and splendour, it went way past that.
I was going to tell Carlisle this, when Edward explained some things to me which made me change my mind.
It was the first day since our 'betrothal' that I was separated from Carlisle –he was in Ashland, while I was moping in the cabin.
"Don't, Esme," Edward said suddenly, bringing me out of my reverie as I gazed at the snow through the window.
"Don't what?" –I asked, surprised.
"The wedding. Surely you don't want it in this insignificant, meaningless little cabin?"
"This cabin is neither insignificant, nor meaningless to me," I said firmly.
"But it is to Carlisle," he said gently.
"What?" –I asked, stunned. "Surely, this must mean something to him…"
"Of course it does, Esme," he said calmly, reassuringly. "It means something to him, but not everything."
I sighed. "You're not making sense, Edward."
He stood up and came over and sat next to me. "Carlisle believes in God."
"So do I." –I said, confused.
"You would," he smirked, before continuing smoothly, ignoring my stony look, "You don't understand. Carlisle's father was a priest, in a church. Religion was bred into him since the day he was born. When he… was turned, he didn't stop believing in his God –he only started hating Him. It was later, after some time, that he started getting his Faith back. Even now, although he is not exactly a punctual church-goer, Carlisle believes in a divine Presence –even more so, since he found you.
"Marrying here in this cabin or any other simple setting may seem right for you, but not for him. To him, marriage is what it is said to be –a sacred institution, two souls joined together in the house of God. This will mean something to him, Esme. Not only emotionally, or intellectually, or physically…" He grinned shyly. "But this means to him a lot spiritually. A sacred spiritual bond with the woman he wants to spend eternity with."
I listened to him in silence, remembering several little signs of Carlisle's absolute faith in divinity, in 'someone up there'. I wasn't surprised, because I myself did, ever since I had woken up in the cabin. Who wouldn't, in my place?
"I didn't know about his father," I said, stalling for time.
"I know," Edward said ruefully. "It should have been from him, but you deserved to know this before you made any hasty decision." After a moment of silence, he continued, "Think about it Esme. You know what he made your… ex-husband," he snarled at the term, "give him. A statement annulling your marriage, which may not be exactly sound legally but which probably could be acceptable in a house of God. Marrying an already married woman is a sin, and he took this seriously. Similarly, marrying you here or anywhere else other than a church might be sound, or even romantic to the two of you. But marrying you in a church is what will truly make it complete for Carlisle –a union deemed right in every way possible." He paused. "He's waited 258 years for this, Esme. Don't deny him this."
I sighed, and turned to Edward with a smile. "Of course I won't. I don't see why you thought you had to explain in so much depth."
He returned my smile, and squeezed my hand gratefully. "So you wouldn't misunderstand what I was trying to say. Women are particularly… touchy when one talks to them about their fiancé's regard for them."
"Oh, and am I one of these skittish women that you know?" –I asked, my brow raised.
"Maybe," he said, with a wicked grin, that earned him a light cuff on his shoulder.
"Ouch –Esme, watch it, you're still a Newborn. No wonder Carlisle looks so bemused nowadays –ouch. Stop! Alright, I'm sorry!" –he was half-laughing as I pelted him with light –according to me- blows.
"You'd better take care, Edward. I'm much stronger than you now," I said smugly.
"Yes, but I'm much faster than you!" –he laughed, and ran away in a flash. "Catch me if you can," he grinned from the door. Immediately the mood changed, and we took to playing our game again, where Edward and I played a strange, mutated version of a children's game involving chasing –only it was two adult vampires playing it in unimaginable speeds. It was silly, definitely, but Edward and I were too young and too thrilled yet with our magnified powers to behave with Carlisle's sobriety. Besides, it was so much fun that even Carlisle joined us sometimes, as we chased each other around the quiet forests of Canada.
And so, it was decided, we would be married in a church. Carlisle seemed thrilled and anxious at the same time when I told him of my decision –so adorable, in fact, that I had to kiss him then and there and Edward had to rush out of the cabin with his book still in his hand.
It was then that we really had to sit down and plan. For one thing, we had to decide where to relocate to next, and even more importantly, when. We had no idea how long we'd have to wait until my bloodlust could be overcome, and obviously both Carlisle and I were not very happy with the fact that we had to wait for longer than we initially anticipated.
"I don't know how I'll bring myself to wait patiently, " I sighed one day, nestled next to Carlisle on the large armchair.
"Frankly, Esme, I don't know, either." –Carlisle chuckled, pressing his lips gently on my head.
I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Why do good things always seem so far away in the future?"
"I'm not sure, my love," he said softly, before whispering in my ear, "But I do know one thing. It is never too far away for us –because we have all eternity."
I smiled and twisted to face him. "Yes," I agreed, happily. "Eternity." And our smiles met.