In which Ed is buried hilt deep in our favourite homunculus.

The collection isn't rated M yet. (Yet.)

This was supposed to be a lot less silly…but they're so much fun when they're being silly. And I'll be honest, once things started getting weird, I started cracking up.

18. Blades

"Goddammit, don't you ever stay still?"

"If I did, then you'd stab me." Envy ducked Ed's swing with an almost bored expression, planting his hands on the ground and kicking the blond's legs out from under him. "I don't like being stabbed," he explained, bringing his legs back underneath him and jumping to avoid another thrust by the now-quite-irate Fullmetal Alchemist. "It hurts," added the homunculus quite needlessly.

"Yeah, well, when I get stabbed it fuckin' kills me, ever think about that?" Ed scrambled to his feet, his automail blade immediately up in his defense as he tensed.

Envy spun lazily to behind Ed's back, then grabbed the hood of the flamel-emblazoned jacket. With a shit-eating grin plastered on his thin and pointed face, he flipped the wearer over his shoulder and slammed him into the floor with a gleeful laugh.

"Ha-ha!" He quickly jumped on top of Ed, straddling him and pinning his hips to the floor. "I got you, I got you! And weren't you easy to throw?"

With a sickening 'squelch' that would have made grown men sick to their stomachs, Ed thrust his blade through Envy's chest, pushing until his metal-jointed fist made contact with the bleeding skin.

"You calling me a piece of drain lint, you attention-seeking loser?"

Envy stared down at the blade and the sparks that were even now fizzing around it, then looked back up at Ed with a scowl. He tried to cross his arms, then, unable to find a way around the blade, settled for perching his hands indignantly on his hips.

"I'd won, damn you. That's not fair."

Ed stuck out his tongue by way of reply.

Envy sighed. "I suppose it's a win for you, then. I don't like this new way of fighting, it's no fuuun…"

"Yeah, but it means I don't die. And no one's forcing you to go along with it, you know."

Envy grinned toothily. "But if I don't, you'll stab me more."

"That's true."

"Speaking of which, can you pull out now?" Envy tapped the automail, dislodging a few drops of blood. "I can't heal properly or leave with this in me – unless I break it off you, which I'm too lazy to do right now."

Ed pulled back his arm, trying to control the flush of embarrassed crimson that came from mishearing Envy's rather…ambiguous statement.

Envy gave a blissful sigh that could have been taken many ways as the blade slid loose of his flesh. "Ah, that's much better. Well then," He sprang to his feet, healing sparks sealing up the sizable hole that was dripping blood all over the carpet. "Until next time…Hagane no Chibi. And next time…" his eyes glittered in a strange mix of menace and promise, "I won't go so easy on you."

He walked away with an arrogant ease that made Ed want to get up and punch him again, if his back hadn't hurt quite so much from the full-body slam.

With a groan, Ed let his head fall back onto the floor, and stared back up at the ceiling. With any luck, Al wouldn't be home until –

"BROTHER!" The clatter of dropping groceries signalled the end of Ed's luck. He turned his head to the side, grinning crookedly at the armoured figure.

"Hey, Al."

"What…what have you been DOING?"

Ed lifted his head again and looked around – then burst into laughter. He'd forgotten just how much blood came from an otherwise mortal chest wound, and paired with his ever-tightening trousers…

"Brother, are you alright?" Al fell to his knees by Ed with a clang, concern lacing through his echoing voice. "Seriously, what happened?"

Ed managed to control his laughter. "I'd tell you, Al," he said with a last chuckle, giving the solid chest-plate a light punch, "but I'm not quite sure myself."