Remus has been my friend for three years. I have never been his.

He was soft, malleable, and tame and before second year, the year he became my friend, he has just always been around. He grew up across the street from me and I used to sit underneath the lemon tree in my front yard and stare at him. I would glare at him as he lied on the grass, trying to soak in the sun, even on cloudy days. I glared at him because all I wanted was to talk to him and because even though he said nothing and did nothing, he was this person, this boy who drew me in with his absolutely batty behavior.

Now that I think about it, I don't think that I was drawn to him as much as I made myself believe I was. I think the reason for that magnetic pull was because I was a bored, homeschooled half-blood. He was a bored, homeschooled half-blood. I thought it fitting for us to be friends. I wanted the friendship to just happen. I hated working for things. That's why I stared at him, hoping that he would initiate the friendship and then I could ignore him and make him really work for it.

It was a stupid plan because he stared at the sun and not across the street. It was also a stupid plan because when it worked, I realized that he was too nice to be my friend. I was too cruel inside, but I was embarrassed of him finding out that I've been pretending to be this friend-like character. I think he felt sorry for me because I was vile and I felt sorry for him to because he was wasting his time.

I didn't know I had a problem until he cut me off.

I did, but, before he cut me off, I couldn't bring myself to accept that I was one of the worst people ever. I never felt like I belonged in the socially-talented pack of Gryffindors, but I dragged along anyway. I think they figured out that I was pretending to like them, but they felt sorry for me and pretended to like me, too.

To clarify, Remus has always been a friend to me. I don't deserve to be called his friend.

I started dating Sirius Black in December of our fourth year.

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"Are you kidding me?" I mumbled, looking around the library, hoping that no one has heard what Remus Lupin just said. His words probably seemed so much louder to me than to the people across the room, judging by the fact that he was sitting across from me and they were across the room. I was being silly. I was embarrassed. I hated being ridiculed.

"What?" he grinned, shrugging his shoulders. "He told me to tell you."

"No," I was extremely unconvincing in my protest. "He's messing with me because he's annoying and immature."

"He's my best friend. I think I would know if he was messing with you," Remus whispered and continued writing.

"He's Sirius Black," I hissed, dramatically leaning forward and once again looking around the library for potential eavesdroppers.

"So what?" Remus leaned forward, his eyes piercing me. I was appalled. I couldn't think of anything to say. "Thought so," Remus laughed. "Besides no one is proposing marriage to you. There's no need to be so dramatic. Even if he was messing with, which he is not, why should you care?"

I was flabbergasted. "Because I don't know! It just doesn't make sense. I've literally talked to him one time."

Remus's voice became high-pitched in disbelief. "You've been Potions partners for the last three months."

"I meant, I've only talked to him once about something other than crushed beatle eyes." I shuffled my parchment and nervously started stacking it without a purpose.

My friend smirked and leaned back into his chair. "Well, maybe he likes your face."

My jaw dropped. "My face?"

Remus raised his arms in protest. "I don't know what goes through Sirius's head. And don't be so shocked about your face. You're pretty. Don't even attempt to pull that attention-seeking hoax on me."

"That's not what I'm acting so shocked about, Remus." I stacked my books and began placing them into my bag. "It just never made sense to me how someone can like someone for their face and not the things that they say. There's no substance. No fuel for conversation. Nothing in common." I mumbled the last part, starting to shove books into my bag more rapidly.

Screwing the cap back onto his ink bottle, Remus said, "Hey, Sirius is not like that. He's not a bad person."

I picked up my parchment and my bag and stood up. I looked at Remus who was trying so hard to make a great sales pitch and I felt angry about Sirius not coming to me himself. Boys were so stupid. Girls, too. Everyone had to get their friends involved. "See you later."

Remus blinked and smiled close-mouthed. He continued placing his books back into his bag, waiting for class to end.

I walked to Potions and arrived at the dungeons too early. Once my classmates began filing into the hall by the door, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around.

"I asked Remus to ask you something for me, but just in case he didn't, and I hope this isn't too awkward, but will you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?" Sirius Black blurted out.

"I'm not going to hold hands with you." I cocked an eyebrow and crossed my arms.

"Never part of the deal," he smiled and looked at me.

I turned around, attempting to flip my ponytail in his face. It didn't work. "Sure."