Chapter 2

[Note: This is the original text of Dune with altered cultural references and the cast of Ranma 1/2 substituted for their Dune counterparts. It is an work of absurdist humor.]

To attempt an understanding of Neko'Ken without understanding his mortal enemies, the Harkonnens, is to attempt seeing Truth without knowing Falsehood. It is the attempt to see the Light without knowing Darkness. It cannot be.

-from "Manual of Neko'Ken" by the Princess Nabiki

It was a relief globe of a world, partly in shadows, spinning under the impetus of a fat hand that glittered with rings. The globe sat on a freeform stand at one wall of a windowless room whose other walls presented a patchwork of multicolored scrolls, filmbooks, tapes, and reels. Light glowed in the room from golden balls hanging in mobile suspensor fields.

An ellipsoid desk with a top of jade-pink petrified elacca wood stood at the center of the room. Veriform suspensor chairs ringed it, two of them occupied. In one sat a dark-haired youth of about sixteen years, round of face and with sullen eyes. The other held a slender, short man with effeminate face.

Both youth and man stared at the globe and the man half-hidden in shadows spinning it.

A chuckle sounded beside the globe. A basso voice rumbled out of the chuckle: "There it is, Sasuke — the biggest mantrap in all history. And the Duke's headed into its jaws. Is it not a magnificent thing that I, the Principal Kuno Harkonnen, do?"

"Assuredly, Principal," said the man. His voice came out tenor with a sweet, musical quality.

The fat hand descended onto the globe, stopped the spinning. Now, all eyes in the room could focus on the motionless surface and see that it was the kind of globe made for wealthy collectors or planetary governors of the Empire. It had the stamp of Imperial handicraft about it. Latitude and longitude lines were laid in with hair-fine platinum wire. The polar caps were insets of finest cloud-milk diamonds.

The fat hand moved, tracing details on the surface."I invite you to observe," the basso voice rumbled."Observe closely, Sasuke, and you, too, Tatewaki-Rautha, my darling: from sixty degrees north to seventy degrees south — these exquisite swirls. Their coloring: does it not remind you of sweet cotton candy? And everywhere you see blue of lakes and rivers and seas. And these lovely polar caps — so vast. Could anyone mistake this place? Jusenkyo ! Truly unique. A superb setting for a unique Victory."

A smile touched Sasuke's lips. "And to think. Principal: the Mikado Emperor believes he's given the Duke your juice planet. How poignant."

"That's a nonsensical statement," the Principal rumbled. "You say this to confuse young Tatewaki-Rautha, but it is not necessary to confuse my nephew."

The sullen-faced youth stirred in his chair, smoothed a wrinkle in the blue kimono he wore. He sat upright as a discreet tapping sounded at the door in the wall behind him.

Sasuke unfolded from his chair, crossed to the door, cracked it wide enough to accept a message cylinder. He closed the door, unrolled the cylinder and scanned it. A chuckle sounded from him. Another.

"Well?" the Principal demanded.

"The fool answered us, Principal!"

"Whenever did an Atreides refuse the opportunity for a gesture?" the Principal asked."Well, what does he say?"

"He's most uncouth, Principal. Addresses you as 'Harkonnen-kun' - no 'Tono' no 'San', no title, nothing."

"It's a good name," the Principal growled, his voice betraying his impatience. "What does dear Genma say?"

"He says: 'Your offer of a meeting is refused. I have ofttimes met your treachery and this all men know.' "

"And?" the Principal asked.

"He says: 'The art of koso still has admirers in the Empire.' He signs it: 'Duke Genma of Jusenkyo.' " Sasuke began to laugh. "Of Jusenkyo! Oh, my! This is almost too rich!"

"Be silent, Sasuke," the Principal said, and the laughter stopped as though shut off with a switch. "Koso, is it?" the Principal asked. "Vendetta, heh? And he uses the nice old word so rich in tradition to be sure I know he means it."

"You made the peace gesture," Sasuke said."The forms have been obeyed."

"For a Mentat, you talk too much, Sasuke," the Principal said. And he thought: I must do away with that one soon. He has almost outlived his usefulness. The Principal stared across the room at his Mentat-Ninja, seeing the feature about him that most people noticed first: the eyes, the shaded slits of green within green, the eyes without any white in them at all.

A grin flashed across Sasuke's face. It was like a mask grimace beneath those eyes like holes. "But, Principal! Never has revenge been more beautiful. It is to see a plan of the most exquisite treachery: to make Genma exchange Shonen for Pool — and without alternative because the Emperor orders it. How waggish of you!"

In a cold voice, the Principal said: "You have a flux of the mouth, Sasuke."

"But I am happy, my Principal. Whereas you... you are touched by jealousy."

"Sasuke!"

"Ah-ah. Principal! Is it not regrettable you were unable to devise this delicious scheme by yourself?"

"Someday I will have you strangled, Sasuke."

"Of a certainty, Principal. Kowai! But a kind act is never lost, eh?"

"Have you been chewing shinji or pocky, Sasuke?"

"Truth without fear surprises the Principal," Sasuke said. His face drew down into a caricature of a frowning mask. "Ah, hah! But you see, Principal, I know as a Mentat when you will send the executioner. You will hold back just so long as I am useful. To move sooner would be wasteful and I'm yet of much use. I know what it is you learned from that lovely Pool planet — waste not. True, Principal?"

The Principal continued to stare at Sasuke.

Tatewaki-Rautha squirmed in his chair. These wrangling fools! he thought. My uncle cannot talk to his Mental without arguing. Do they think I've nothing to do except listen their arguments?

"Tachi," the Principal said. "I told you to listen and learn when I invited you in here. Are you learning?"

"Yes, Uncle." the voice was carefully subservient.

"Sometimes I wonder about Sasuke," the Principal said. "I cause pain out of necessity, but he... I swear he takes a positive delight in it. For myself, I can feel pity toward the poor Duke Genma. Dr. Tofu will move against him soon, and that'll be the end of all the Atreides. But surely Genma will know whose hand directed the pliant doctor... and knowing that will be a terrible thing."

"Then why haven't you directed the doctor to slip a tanto between his ribs quietly and efficiently?" Sasuke asked."You talk of pity, but — "

"The Duke must know when I encompass his doom," the Principal said."And the other Great Houses must learn of it. The knowledge will give them pause. I'll gain a bit more room to maneuver. The necessity is obvious, but I don't have to like it."

"Room to maneuver," Sasuke sneered. "Already you have the Emperor's eyes on you, Principal. You move too boldly. One day the Emperor will send a legion or two of his Kaishaku down here onto Furinkan Prime and that'll be an end to the Principal Kuno Harkonnen."

"You'd like to see that, wouldn't you, Sasuke?" the Principal asked. "You'd enjoy seeing the Corps of Kaishaku pillage through my cities and sack this castle. You'd truly enjoy that."

"Does the Principal need to ask?" Sasuke whispered.

"You should've been a Daimyo of the Corps," the Principal said. "You're too interested in blood and pain. Perhaps I was too quick with my promise of the spoils of Jusenkyo."

Sasuke took five curiously mincing steps into the room, stopped directly behind Tatewaki-Rautha. There was a tight air of tension in the room, and the youth looked up at Sasuke with a worried frown.

"Do not toy with Sasuke, Principal," Sasuke said. "You promised me the Lady Nodoka. You promised her to me."

"For what, Sasuke?" the Principal asked. "For pain?" Sasuke stared at him, dragging out the silence.

Tatewaki-Rautha moved his suspensor chair to one side, said: "Uncle, do I have to stay? You said you'd —"

"My darling Tatewaki-Rautha grows impatient," the Principal said. He moved within the shadows beside the globe. "Patience, Tachi." And he turned his attention back to the Mentat. "What of the Dukeling, the child Ranma, my dear Sasuke?"

"The trap will bring him to you, Principal," Sasuke muttered.

"That's not my question," the Principal said. "You'll recall that you predicted the Bene Rumiko witch would bear a daughter to the Duke. You were wrong, eh, Mentat?"

"I'm not often wrong, Principal," Sasuke said, and for the first time there was fear in his voice. "Give me that: I'm not often wrong. And you know yourself these Bene Rumiko bear mostly daughters. Even the Emperor's consort had produced only females."

"Uncle," said Tatewaki-Rautha, "you said there'd be something important here for me to — "

"Listen to my nephew," the Principal said. "He aspires to rule my Principality, yet he cannot rule himself." The Principal stirred beside the globe, a shadow among shadows. "Well then, Tatewaki-Rautha Harkonnen, I summoned you here hoping to teach you a bit of wisdom. Have you observed our good Mentat? You should've learned something from this exchange."

"But, Uncle — "

"A most efficient Mentat, Sasuke, wouldn't you say, Tachi?"

"Yes, but —"

"Ah! Indeed but! But he consumes too much juice, drinks it like soda. Look at his eyes! He might've come directly from the Jusenkyoeen labor pool. Efficient, Sasuke, but he's still emotional and prone to passionate outbursts. Efficient, Sasuke, but he still can err."

Sasuke spoke in a low, sullen tone: "Did you call me in here to impair my efficiency with criticism, Principal?"

"Impair your efficiency? You know me better, Sasuke. I wish only for my nephew to understand the limitations of a Mentat."

"Are you already training my replacement?" Sasuke demanded.

"Replace you? Why, Sasuke, where could I find another Mentat with your cunning and venom?"

"The same place you found me, Principal."

"Perhaps I should at that," the Principal mused. "You do seem a bit unstable lately. And the juice you drink!"

"Are my pleasures too expensive, Principal? Do you object to them?"

"My dear Sasuke, your pleasures are what tie you to me. How could I object to that? I merely wish my nephew to observe this about you."

"Then I'm on display," Sasuke said. "Shall I dance? Shall I perform my various functions for the eminent Tatewaki-Rau-"

"Precisely," the Principal said. "You are on display. Now, be silent." He glanced at Tatewaki-Rautha, noting his nephew's lips, the full and pouting look of them, the Harkonnen genetic marker, now twisted slightly in amusement. "This is a Mentat, Tachi. It has been trained and conditioned to perform certain duties. The fact that it's encased in a human body, however, must not be overlooked. A serious drawback, that. I sometimes think the ancients with their thinking machines had the right idea."

"They were toys compared to me," Sasuke snarled. "You yourself, Principal, could outperform those machines."

"Perhaps," the Principal said. "Ah, well..." He took a deep breath, belched. "Now, Sasuke, outline for my nephew the salient features of our campaign against the House of Atreides. Function as a Mentat for us, if you please."

"Principal, I've warned you not to trust one so young with this information. My observations of -"

"I'll be the judge of this," the Principal said. "I give you an order, Mentat. Perform one of your various functions."

"So be it," Sasuke said. He straightened, assuming an odd attitude of dignity — as though it were another mask, but this time clothing his entire body. "In a few days Standard, the entire household of the Duke Genma will embark on a Touring Guild liner for Jusenkyo. The Guild will deposit them at the city of Jusenkyoeen rather than at our city of Hebereke. The Duke's Mentat, Thufir Happosai, will have concluded rightly that Jusenkyoeen is easier to defend."

"Listen carefully, Tachi," the Principal said. "Observe the plans within plans within plans."

Tatewaki-Rautha nodded, thinking: This is more like it. The old monster is letting me in on secret things at last. He must really mean for me to be his heir.

"There are several tangential possibilities," Sasuke said. "I indicate that House Atreides will go to Jusenkyo. We must not, however, ignore the possibility the Duke has contracted with the Guild to remove him to a place of safety outside the System. Others in like circumstances have become renegade Houses, taking family atomics and shields and fleeing beyond the Imperium."

"The Duke's too proud a man for that," the Principal said.

"It is a possibility," Sasuke said. "The ultimate effect for us would be the same, however."

"No, it would not!" the Principal growled. "I must have him dead and his line ended."

"That's the high probability," Sasuke said. "There are certain preparations that indicate when a House is going renegade. The Duke appears to be doing none of these things."

"So," the Principal sighed. "Get on with it, Sasuke."

"At Jusenkyoeen," Sasuke said, "the Duke and his family will occupy the Residency, lately the home of Count and Lady Fenring."

"The Ambassador to the Smugglers," the Principal chuckled.

"Ambassador to what?" Tatewaki-Rautha asked.

"Your uncle makes a joke," Sasuke said. "He calls Count Fenring 'Ambassador to the Smugglers', indicating the Emperor's interest in smuggling operations on Jusenkyo."

Tatewaki-Rautha turned a puzzled stare on his uncle. "Why?"

"Don't be dense, Tachi," the Principal snapped. "As long as the Guild remains effectively outside Imperial control, how could it be otherwise? How else could spies and ninjas move about?"

Tatewaki-Rautha's mouth made a soundless "Oh-h-h-h."

"We've arranged diversions at the Residency," Sasuke said. "There'll be an attempt on the life of the Atreides heir — an attempt which could succeed."

"Sasuke," the Principal rumbled, "you indicated — "

"I indicated accidents can happen," Sasuke said. "And the attempt must appear valid."

"Ah, but the lad has such a sweet young body," the Principal said. "Of course, he's potentially more dangerous than the father... with that witch mother training him. Accursed woman! Ah, well, please continue, Sasuke."

"Happosai will have divined that we have an agent planted on him," Sasuke said."The obvious suspect is Dr. Tofu, who is indeed our agent. But Happosai has investigated and found that our doctor is a Ono School graduate with Imperial Conditioning — supposedly safe enough to minister even to the Emperor. Great store is set on Imperial Conditioning. It's assumed that ultimate conditioning cannot be removed without killing the subject. However, as someone once observed, given the right lever you can move a planet. We found the lever that moved the doctor."

"How?" Tatewaki-Rautha asked. He found this a fascinating subject. Everyone knew you couldn't subvert Imperial Conditioning!

"Another time," the Principal said. "Continue, Sasuke."

"In place of Tofu," Sasuke said, "we'll drag a most interesting suspect across Happosai's path. The very audacity of this suspect will recommend her to Happosai's attention."

"Her?" Tatewaki-Rautha asked.

"The Lady Nodoka herself," the Principal said.

"Is it not sublime?" Sasuke asked. "Happosai's mind will be so filled with this prospect it'll impair his function as a Mentat. He may even try to kill her." Sasuke frowned, then: "But I don't think he'll be able to carry it off."

"You don't want him to, eh?" the Principal asked.

"Don't distract me," Sasuke said. "While Happosai's occupied with the Lady Nodoka, we'll divert him further with uprisings in a few garrison towns and the like. These will be put down. The Duke must believe he's gaining a measure of security. Then, when the moment is ripe, we'll signal Tofu and move in with our major force... ah..."

"Go ahead, tell him all of it," the Principal said.

"We'll move in strengthened by two legions of Kaishaku disguised in Harkonnen livery."

"Kaishaku!" Tatewaki-Rautha breathed. His mind focused on the dread Imperial troops, the killers without mercy, the soldier-fanatics of the Mikado Emperor.

"You see how I trust you, Tatewaki, " the Principal said. "No hint of this must ever reach another Great House, else the Kokkai might unite against the Imperial House and there'd be chaos."

"The main point," Sasuke said, "is this: since House Harkonnen is being used to do the Imperial dirty work, we've gained a true advantage. It's a dangerous advantage, to be sure, but if used cautiously, will bring House Harkonnen greater wealth than that of any other House in the Imperium."

"You have no idea how much wealth is involved, Tatewaki," the Principal said. "Not in your wildest imaginings. To begin, we'll have an irrevocable directorship in the SHOGAKUKAN Company."

Tatewaki-Rautha nodded. Wealth was the thing. SHOGAKUKAN was the key to wealth, each noble House dipping from the company's coffers whatever it could under the power of the directorships. Those SHOGAKUKAN directorships — they were the real evidence of political power in the Imperium, passing with the shifts of voting strength within the Kokkai as it balanced itself against the Emperor and his supporters.

"The Duke Genma," Sasuke said, "may attempt to flee to the new Amazon scum along the desert's edge. Or he may try to send his family into that imagined security. But that path is blocked by one of His Majesty's agents — the planetary ecologist. You may remember her — Koron."

"Tachi remembers her," the Principal said. "Get on with it."

"You do not drool very prettily, Principal," Sasuke said.

"Get on with it, I command you!" the Principal roared.

Sasuke shrugged. "If matters go as planned," he said, "House Harkonnen will have a sub-han on Jusenkyo within a Standard year. Your uncle will have dispensation of that han. His own personal agent will rule on Jusenkyo."

"More profits," Tatewaki-Rautha said.

"Indeed," the Principal said. And he thought: It's only just. We're the ones who tamed Jusenkyo... except for the few mongrel Amazons hiding in the skirts of the desert... and some tame smugglers bound to the planet almost as tightly as the native labor pool.

"And the Great Houses will know that the Principal has destroyed the Atreides," Sasuke said. "They will know."

"They will know," the Principal breathed.

"Loveliest of all," Sasuke said, "is that the Duke will know, too. He knows now. He can already feel the trap."

"It's true the Duke knows," the Principal said, and his voice held a note of sadness. "He could not help but know... more's the pity."

The Principal moved out and away from the globe of Jusenkyo. As he emerged from the shadows, his figure took on dimension — grossly and immensely fat. And with subtle bulges beneath folds of his dark robes to reveal that all this fat was sustained partly by portable suspensors harnessed to his flesh. He might weigh two hundred Standard kilos in actuality, but his feet would carry no more than fifty of them.

"I am hungry," the Principal rumbled, and he rubbed his protruding lips with a beringed hand, stared down at Tatewaki-Rautha through fat-enfolded eyes. "Send for food, my darling. We will eat before we retire."