*0*0*
Fifty Words for Forgiveness
*0*0*
Honesty
*0*0*
In the wake of Quinn's coming out and sudden loss of a home, she was granted a few days off school, allowing Dr. and Dr. Pierce time to try and smooth things over. After that first night with her, you were cut out from the picture, with Brittany saying Quinn needed to make these steps on her own, and you knowing that if you kept vanishing like you did, your parents would eventually notice your absence. That wasn't something you wanted.
In turn, that's how you found yourself in school, listening to your teachers drone on about God only knows what, with your thoughts miles away. Annoyance and anger were beginning to bubble up under your skin, meaning you shot a lot more glares at the rest of the student body than previous, and your peers were scurrying away from you.
It wasn't their fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, but you were pissed off because Quinn was going through her belongings and writing a list of what she needed to go back and get, and given her age, her parents had no legal obligation to look after her, which meant she was now homeless. The Pierce's had taken her in, but Quinn was going to have to fight for her trust fund, and now she was also without health insurance, and no one was going to be looking after her. You just wanted to be there for her, giving her any support possible.
If she hadn't been blindsided by this, these things could have been planned in advance, a proper system could have been in place to help her, but no. No, you had been kept in the dark, ensuring she wouldn't get your help, and they didn't tell her either for some fucking reason.
And to tick you off even more, Rachel had been avoiding you all morning. She saw you in the hallway first thing, and she turned and went the other way. All attempts after that were met with the sight of her heading in the other direction or engaging in conversation with some member of staff so you couldn't interrupt.
Hell, she even skipped out on the first half of lunch with you.
She knew what was coming, that's all you could assume, and that view was solidified by the sight of her chewing her lip and walking into the auditorium half way through lunch, looking rather skittish.
"We need to talk," you said, pointing out the obvious, and crossing your arms over your chest. "Now."
You weren't going to have her run off again, and yes, she looked to have sought you out, but you wanted her to know you were angry and furious and for fuck sake, why hadn't she told you?
Everything had been building, your frustrations and hurt from being kept out the loop, from not being allowed to help first thing, and now being told to take a step back. They were running the show, and making a piss poor job of it. So it was obvious you were going to rant, to rave at them for what felt like betrayal. Brittany had already endured a few of these conversations, but Rachel, she was meant to be your best friend, and she'd done nothing to help you.
"Yeah, we do," Rachel replied, following you as you moved up onto the stage. You couldn't sit in the seats and have a nice little chat. That just wasn't going to happen. You needed the space the stage provided you with.
"You don't even seem surprised," you remarked, watching her facial expressions carefully.
"Brittany gave me a heads up," she answered, tugging at the sleeves of her jumper.
"Of course she did, the two of you are now in cohorts with each other. I really shouldn't be surprised," you muttered under breath, shaking your head.
"Santana-" Rachel started, looking uncomfortable as she tried to argue, but there was no point. You didn't want to hear what she had to say.
"No. You should have warned me." It was as simple as that, she should have.
"I didn't know!" Rachel called out, clearly growing exasperated by this already.
"You did, Brittany warned you," you ground out, needing to sink that fact in. You were fully aware of everything, so there was no point in her lying to cover up the truth or hide from it.
"No, no. I'm not going to take this. You have no idea what's been going on-" Rachel began to say, but you'd heard enough.
"Because no one fucking told me!"
"Brittany explained to you why we couldn't." She didn't seem hindered by your outburst, and your blood began to boil.
"And? Do you think that makes it all better? Do you think that makes up for the fact that my best friend withheld information from me? You knew I'd want to know that!" you yelled, feeling Snix taking over. You took a shaky breath to try and fight that, because you didn't want to lose control completely, but it was tricky.
"We couldn't tell you," Rachel said, shaking her head, keeping her eyes off yours, staring at the stage floor.
"I wanted to protect her!" you cried, balling your fists.
"And I wanted to protect you!" Rachel shouted back, looking devastated and angry.
"What? What does that- how does-" She cut you off before you had a chance to stumble over that sentence any more than you already had.
"I didn't want you getting hurt! I don't want you to get hurt! Gosh, Santana, do you not get that? My vision only showed Quinn coming out, it didn't show me the ramifications of what would happen, but I trust Brittany implicitly, as you should too, and she said if you knew you would only get hurt. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't watch you get hurt like that, I couldn't sit back and let that happen, so I didn't tell you. I couldn't tell you," she said, still shaking her head, biting her bottom lip hard. "I couldn't see you get hurt, and I know you know why I couldn't do that."
By this point, she looked ready to bolt, but her feet remained firmly planted to the stage floor. You wandered round the piano, putting some distance between the two of you, needing to move around to try and form some sort of semblance to your thoughts.
"When did you find out?" you asked, deciding that was the safest option to take first. It would be better to know when she became aware of you knowing about her feelings for you. Then, you could at least follow up with the correct questions whilst having the right insight to her answers.
"Brittany told me, to stop…she just thought it best I knew that you were aware," Rachel answered, her voice quiet, scared almost, and you moved closer round the piano.
"This doesn't change things," you said, your voice firm as you tried to get her to believe you. You wouldn't let it change things, your friendship with her was important, too important. However, Rachel's humourless chuckle at your words had you thinking it might be too late for this reassurance.
"Doesn't it? You're yelling at me for not telling you that the girl you're in love with was going to have a rough coming out. Are you yelling at me because I'm your friend and should have told you, or are you yelling at me because you think I did this to sabotage your relationship with her?"
You hadn't even considered that, and rightly so. Rachel would never. You didn't need to think it because there was absolutely no way she would do that. She was too selfless, and that would be a complete betrayal. She would never do that to you. Yes, she kept it from you, but not so she could watch the fallout and find the opportune moment to make a move on you.
Jesus, what the fuck were you doing yelling at her?
She was trying to protect you. She had protected you, and if what Brittany said was true, her silence probably saved any relationship you had with Quinn. If she'd wanted to sabotage the two of you, she would have told you right out.
Running a hand through your hair, you dropped your eyes to the floor and took a deep breath. You couldn't see the complete and utter sadness resonating through her gaze at you. You were hurting her, and you needed to shut the fuck up and apologise before she thought you were angry at her for the wrong reason.
Taking careful steps closer, you chewed on your bottom lip for a moment and then reached out and took her hand in yours. The last thing you wanted was her thinking that you were going to treat her differently because of how she felt about you. The two of you were friends, and she had never hinted at pushing past that, so you weren't going to make it a big deal. Things did not have to change. You had to push that point home.
"I'm sorry," you finally said, looking up at her.
"Me too," she replied, swallowing anxiously. "If it wasn't going to end so horribly, I would have told you. I would have, but I couldn't risk it. I couldn't watch you fall apart because of her," she rambled, and the guilt hit you once more.
"Shh, it's fine. I think…I might have overreacted a bit. Venting my anger of the situation at you and Brittany instead. I'm sorry," you repeated, hoping she'd understand.
"It comes with the territory of being your friend. Fifty Words may have changed you, but it was never capable of touching that Lima Heights passion and rage." That was true, and her insight hit the nail on the head, making you feel ridiculous for letting Snix's fire control you.
Chancing a look, you noticed how uneasy Rachel appeared to be, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you knew things were a little different now, whether you wanted them to be or not. You had tried so hard for it not to become like this, so there was no way you were going to take this lying down. Still holding her hand, you tugged her closer and wrapped her up in your embrace.
You felt her take a shaky breath in the crook of your neck, and her arms finally respond, letting go of your hand and wrapping around your back. She gave you a soft squeeze, and you cherished this one little moment with her because you knew this was important.
This was as much as it would ever be between you, and maybe before now she still had hope, maybe she could sense there was still a chance for her, but this hug, this hug was reaffirming your friendship, solidifying the fact that you would always love Quinn, and it was the end of any chance there ever was for the two of you to become more than friends. Whatever Brittany foretold was to happen, Rachel clearly knew it meant only friendship ahead with you.
"You'll always be my best friend," you murmured into her hair, needing her to know how true those words were. She gave you a quick nod in reply, and you hoped that she genuinely believed you.
Rachel pulled back first, a move you shouldn't have been surprised by, and wiped down the wrinkles in her clothing. You frowned at the distance she put between the two of you, as if trying to play it safe, and tried to hide your disappointment. Things would be fine. The two of you would be fine.
"Is there anything I can do?" you asked, not really knowing what to say. You wanted to things to go back to how they were, to the easy going nature the two of you had previously, none of this awkward air that hung around them.
"Could you stop making your best friends fall in love with you? I'd really appreciate that," Rachel joked, blinking rapidly to fight back the tears. Your chest ached and you wanted to comfort her, but there was nothing, nothing you could say or do to make this better.
"I'll try. I'm sorry about that," you replied, watching her pull herself back together with a sad smile gracing her lips.
"There's no need to apologise, you're just being yourself." She gave you a look you'd never seen on her before, and it scared you. Her friendship was one of the most important things in your life, you couldn't lose it because of this.
"I'm not going to lose you, right?" you asked, needing to know she was still going to be your friend, still going to stand by you.
"Never. I couldn't…I mean, you were my friend first and foremost, and I knew this would never end well, which is why I didn't…I'm not going anywhere, okay? You're stuck with me," she replied, nodding along, trying hard to convince you.
You believed her, but you had reservations. This had to be hard for her, this had to be a lot harder than you could imagine, yet she was holding everything in so well. Almost too well. How could she handle it? How could she accept Quinn so easily? How was she not enraged with unadulterated anger and venom? How could she stand to bow out gracefully?
"I don't get how you can be so nice to her," you murmured, frowning.
Surely Rachel had seen some of this coming. She must have known that there would be a time where your feelings for Quinn would trump any hopes she had for the two of you, which begged the question, why did she try? Why did she try to be there for Quinn? Why did she offer Quinn a place to stay 'just in case' she got kicked out? Why had she done any of that?
"You love her," she replied simply, shrugging one shoulder, as if that was reason enough. It should have been, but it wasn't.
"Yeah, but I wanted to kill Artie when Brittany and him were dating," you added, shaking your head. You had, you'd wanted to throw him over a cliff and strangle him at times. All of this anger and rage for him seeped into the rest of your life, and there was no way to hide it.
Rachel, though, only gave the odd eye roll here and there and then brushed Quinn off as if she was just an annoying fly buzzing about. She didn't seem particularly enraged at all. How? But then again, maybe she had prepared for this moment ahead of time. Maybe she expected it to turn out this way, regardless of the visions she saw.
"Oh, don't underestimate me, Santana, I have wanted to kill Quinn, I've wanted to murder her at least three dozen times, but…but she makes you happy, and I wouldn't want to jeopardise that." Rachel took another step back, holding her hands anxiously, and hid her eyes from you. You were sure if you could see them you'd catch that flare of anger hidden within. Her voice had been too calm, and maybe you had underestimated her anger and sadness.
The distance between the two of you now was niggling at you. She was physically distancing herself, as well as emotionally hiding her feelings, and it unsettled you more than you'd like to admit. For some reason, this felt like Brittany all over again, except with a worse ending.
"I love you, you know that right? It might not be the way you want me to, but I do love you," you said, mentally pleading with her to look at you. She needed to see the conviction behind your words. She needed to know how true those words were.
"That's all I've ever wanted to hear from you," she whispered, closing her eyes and swallowing.
Your chest ached, and you found yourself taking a step back. She looked to be in so much pain and this was all on you. It wasn't your fault, you knew that, but you wanted to help her. You wanted to help her like you couldn't help Quinn, and yet once again, you couldn't because you'd only make things worse.
"Rach-" you began, being willing to throw the distance out the window and pull her back into your arms, but she stopped you.
"I'm going to go-" she said, opening her eyes and nodding her head.
"You don't have to."
"Yeah, I do," she replied, finally looking at you again. Sadness, so much sadness stared back at you. Within a moment, it was gone, and her eyes were elsewhere. "Someone else wants to talk to you, and I think you'll want to talk to her," Rachel finished, nodding towards the auditorium doors, where Quinn was standing.
You hadn't heard them open, nor were you aware how long she'd been standing there. Not giving you time to reply, Rachel grabbed her bag and made for the exit, while Quinn made her way down the aisle towards you.
They passed each other, and Quinn's hand came out to stop Rachel. The girl's head was down, looking at the floor, as Quinn leant in. From where you were, you couldn't hear what was said, but Rachel nodded, and then Quinn gave her arm a squeeze. Next, the two of them were heading their separate ways, one towards you, the other away, and it felt like a shift had taken place.
You watched Rachel leave the auditorium before whining at the back of your throat, running your hands through your hair again, and sighing. It could have been worse, much worse, but it also could have been better, a lot better. That really wasn't how that conversation was meant to go.
Turning back around, you found Quinn watching you, a worried look on her face, and you remembered she shouldn't have even been in school that day. She was off for the next three days, so there was no need for her to be standing there.
"What are you doing here? Should you really be in school right now-" you began, forgoing pleasantries as you advanced towards her. Once you were within distance, Quinn grabbed your hand and tugged you closer, shutting you up with a simple peck on the lips, making you incoherent for one blissful second as you were blindsided.
"I needed to take my mind off things," she replied, leaning her forehead on yours.
There was a look in her eyes, one you knew so fucking well, but that was so not how you were going to help take her mind off things. Absolutely not. The two of you almost never happened because of those types of looks and these slow kisses which led to more.
"Q, we can't-" As much as you wanted to, no.
"I know," she replied, giving you a little smile in amusement. "I just…I needed to kiss you again, to see you again. Should I not have…should I not have kissed you?"
"No, you can…you can kiss me." She needed to feel comfortable with this, and if that meant sneaking the occasional kiss now and then, you'd take it. You'd definitely take it.
After all, this was lunch hour, during school time. She was there, despite being aware that some rumours were flying around about her, and she was kissing you in the auditorium. If she was comfortable doing that, how could you not be?
"About Rachel," Quinn began, now chewing on her bottom lip as she pulled you back to her. "Is everything-"
"I don't know," you replied, not wanting to touch on it. "I have no idea anymore." It was muttered with a sigh, and you gave her a resigned look of defeat.
"She'll forgive you, or she'll get over you, whichever one is easier," Quinn murmured, wrapping her arms around your neck. "Don't worry about it."
That was easier said than done, but here was the girl you'd longed for in your arms, during school hours, planting kisses on your lips. There were other things to focus on. Nodding at her, Quinn gave you another smile, and this time, you fell into her embrace, burying your head into her neck.
It felt slightly selfish, she was there with about a million other problems going on, but yet she was comforting you. When you went to point this out, she shushed you with a finger to your lips and pulled you back in, letting you sink into her, losing yourself in her scent, and feeling safe wrapped up in her arms.
The scales had been tipped so heavily to your side, with you always being there for Quinn, this was actually a nice change, and you revelled in it as long as possible. The bell would ring, and she would eventually have to leave, and you wouldn't see her after school, but for now, for that moment right there, you were going to soak it up as much as possible.
The two of you weren't together, but you were laying the right foundations, equalling the scales, and she seemed to be growing bolder, even after two days. It all felt like it was coming together, which was something you definitely weren't used to.
*0*0*
The following day, as you stood at your locker, having just watched Rachel head right past you down the hallway, you realised how difficult this new situation was going to be. Yes, you were aware things weren't going to go back to one hundred per cent after twenty four hours, but you had foolishly hoped.
Brittany, having seen you looking pathetically after your best friend, decided to stop by your locker and check on you. Of course, there were more pressing things for you to concern yourself with, and you bypassed answering her question for a question of your own.
"How is she?"
"Quinn or Rachel?" Brittany asked, a teasing smile on her lips and you rolled your eyes. Okay, so you might have dropped the ball there.
"Both, how are they both?" You weren't actually sure which one you meant, and Brittany was clearly aware of that. Goddamn psychics as friends.
"Quinn is doing better. My parents are happy to help her, and she'll be living with me until college. She's also talking to her sister, which is great news as those two really need to start communicating again." You narrowed your eyes pensively at that, wondering what the big deal was, but decided not to ask.
No way would Brittany tell you the significance of Frannie Fabray, so you were just going to have to sit back and watch it play out. Hell, at least she'd hinted at it this time and not left you in the dark.
"As for Rachel, she's…she's not great," Britt replied honestly, shooting you a sad look as the two of you pushed off the lockers and began heading down the hallway. "I mean, she's getting there, she'll be back to talking to you in no time, but for now, I think she just needs some space."
"Space?" you questioned, needing to check. That was such an unfamiliar development for Rachel and yourself.
"Yep, space," Britt replied, nodding along.
"Right."
"She's trying to be a good friend, San." Brittany stopped walking and you stopped, too. "She doesn't want to take away from your progress with Quinn by ruining it with her morbid mood, so stop worrying about her and let me take care of it." Her words held enough conviction to have you agreeing, but there was something you wanted to know.
"You'll tell me if there's anything wrong, though, right?" You couldn't be left in the dark again.
"If I can," she answered, shrugging her shoulders. It was a move you were growing familiar with. Every time you harassed her for details on the goings on of the future, she was always doing that. What was the point of having psychic friends if they couldn't tell you what college you'd be attending? Talk about misplaced priorities.
"Okay, but should I maybe try and-"
"Don't do anything, she'll come to you. Same with Quinn," Brittany tacked on, grinning.
"But Quinn and I are-"
"Don't do anything," she sang, waving her finger at you, and you tried to fight the disdain and your curling lip in disgust. Fine, you wouldn't do anything, even though that sounded like a horrible idea.
"Quinn will come to me?"
"In no time at all. Now, I got to go. Sue wants to see me before class. Enjoy!" Brittany bounced off with a spring in her step and you fought back a groan.
You didn't want to wait on Quinn coming to you. You wanted to see her, you wanted to be with her, right then, right now. But you knew better. If Brittany said not to, you weren't exactly going to go against her advice.
Slugging your bag higher up on your shoulder, you headed off to class alone, and briefly wondered how Fifty Words had helped you at all when you were once again feeling alone. Okay, that was slightly on the dramatic side, but whatever. Where the hell had your friends gone?
*0*0*
Taking Brittany's advice, you left both Quinn and Rachel alone, and Quinn came to you first. She was all smiles and laughs, placing her hand round your waist and leaning into you, making you very confused. This was a girl who had been terrified to come out, but now she was acting like the two of you were dating. Granted, it was only in sparsely populated locations, like Brittany's backyard, and that grocery's aisle, but still.
"I spoke to my Pastor, and he's made me feel a lot more accepting of myself," she explained, the two of you sitting on the hood of your car, parked by the side of the new home development site.
She'd wanted to go somewhere private to talk, and you had nowhere in mind, so somehow ended up there. The sun was still out, and it was warm enough not to freeze your nipples off, so she hopped up on the hood and pulled you between her legs, wrapping her arms around your neck, and yeah, you thought you were there to talk.
"Your Pastor?" you asked, needing her to explain. It didn't take you long to realise that actually, yes, you were going to be talking, she just wanted you in this position so she could read your facial expressions.
"I went to him, before I spoke to my parents. He…he told me some surprising things." Quinn frowned as she spoke and bit her bottom lip, prompting you to reach up and pull it away, cupping the side of her face as you did so.
"What did he say?" You weren't really sure it was okay for you to ask, but thought you'd give it a chance anyway.
"I always thought my parents got their ignorant and bigoted views from the church, and in a way they do, but not from who I thought. My Pastor is actually very accepting. It's those on the church committee who aren't, and they're the ones who don't agree with homosexuality. They're the ones my parents are so deeply involved with."
"Have you…have you spoken to them since they kicked you out?"
"No, I don't…they don't want to see me again." She looked lost as she replied, and you felt a pang in your chest, wanting to do anything and everything possible to take it away for her.
"And have you been back to your Pastor?"
"Yeah, he says I'm still welcome at the church and his door is always open. I guess…I thought they were going to cast me out. The committee still might do that, actually, but I thought he was going to be leading the charge. I thought…I thought God was going to hate me, and I thought I was going to hell for loving you, and that scared the…" she paused, and you cocked your head to the side, mentally finishing the sentence off for her.
"Were you going to say that scared the hell out of you?" you asked, trying to fight the smile on your lips. Quinn looked at you like a deer caught in headlights and did the only thing she could think of.
"Shut up," she whined, shoving at your shoulder as you chuckled and dropped your head into her neck. You, and partly her, had turned this serious moment into a complete mockery.
"You were, weren't you?"
"Shut up," she groaned, a smile on her lips, tugging at your jumper, pushing you and pulling you about to take out her embarrassment. It was adorable as hell.
"I'm not saying anything," you remarked, trying to look innocent, and she rolled her eyes, deciding to continue.
"Anyway! That thought terrified me, that we would be going to hell, that you would be going to hell," she admitted, and your grin softened to that of a smile and you leant your forehead against hers, losing yourself in those gorgeous hazel eyes.
"Don't you remember, Q, that I'm already Satan, so really..." You raised your eyebrows and shrugged, letting her draw her own conclusions, but she was giving you that serious look and shaking her head gently.
"Don't joke about that," she murmured, and you ran your thumb over her cheek again.
"I'm sorry," you replied, not wanting to mess about if she was being serious. You and religion weren't a great mix, so jokes were abound.
"Don't apologise, either." Quinn pushed some of your hair from your face and began to close the distance, your heart picking up speed as she did.
"Okay," you whispered, your lips ghosting hers as you spoke, inhaling her scent, breathing in her air, and letting yourself drown in everything that was Quinn Fabray.
And then she ruined it.
"Wait, so if you were Satan, what was I in this analogy?" she asked, pulling back from you, shooting you a confused look. Really, she chose that time to ask that question?
Feeling the tinge of embarrassment on your cheeks when you remembered what you had always called her, you shuffled on the spot, feeling her legs tightening to keep you in place, and hello, that shouldn't have turned you on so much at this moment.
"A 'all'n ang'l," you mumbled, looking away from her as you did so.
"A what?" Of course, she wouldn't hear what you'd said. Just fantastic.
"You were a fallen angel. In my analogy, you were a fallen angel," you replied, exasperated and thoroughly embarrassed, which was not helped when she started laughing.
"San, you do know that the fallen angel is Lucifer, Satan, right?" she teased, a smirk playing on her lips. If it wasn't so attractive on her, you would be throwing yourself off the nearest cliff.
"I never did pay attention in Sunday school," you muttered, shaking your head, and she chuckled at your antics.
"I can see that," Quinn murmured, still grinning, her eyes still shining, and you were grudgingly accepting the fact that you'd look like an idiot always if she kept smiling like that.
"Shut up," you grunted, trying to hide your face in her neck once again.
"Okay," she replied simply, cupping your face, pulling you closer, and finally, kissing you.
Your lips responded on instinct, kissing her back as carefully as she was kissing you, and you whined at the back of your throat in approval. Then she kissed you again, a smile on her lips, trying to fight the chuckling as you kissed her back, your lips brushing hers softly, trying not to be pushing or demanding, but awakening to her touch.
"I thought you needed time," you whispered, not able to get enough of her lips as you kissed her once more, revelling in the feel of her tightening her grip round your neck and pulling you closer, so you were leaning over her body as she leant back on the hood of the car. This position was going to get you in all sorts of trouble.
"I do, but I just…I can't help myself with you," she confessed, moaning against you, making you dizzy.
"You're not ready for a relationship." It wasn't a question, it didn't need to be a question. You knew her better than she knew herself in regards to you, and she wasn't ready for the seriousness that you were presenting. She needed time, and you were waiting. The only difference now, being that you were waiting with your lips against hers and your hands low on her hips, tugging her closer.
"I want to see how school goes, first. And I know, I know we're running out of time, but I'm sorry, I-" Quinn began, and you pulled back enough to shake your head.
"Don't, okay? Don't apologise. This can…this can be us doing this right…courting each other or something…without the secrets, and without the lies, before deciding whether we take the next step. We can do that, right?" You sounded so unsure, which couldn't have been a turn on, but she was grinning at you again, and your heart was flying under her gaze.
"We can definitely do that," she answered, and once more, the smile rendered you useless.
Good thing, then, that she didn't want you to say anymore, as her lips covered yours, and you were left dazed under her touch. No more secrets, no more lies, just proper, honest, open, affections for one another. That really didn't sound as scary as you thought it might. You never were one to stand the pressure of commitment, but with Quinn, well, that fear seemed to have gone.
What had this girl done to you, and why hadn't she done it sooner?
*0*0*