Beginning Again arc II

Discussion I - Love

Chopper was sitting at his table, his hands nervously turning a mug of caf. There wasn't anyone else in the mess at the moment. The commander smiled at him as she came to the table with Jedi-light steps. Chopper was beginning to recognize that Force-enhanced step; light as though the Jedi was preparing to walk into the sky.

The commander smiled again as she saw he had already set her tea to steep. She breathed in the delicious scent as she sat across from him. He knew she liked to spend a few moments simply enjoying her tea and relaxing, so he didn't start asking his questions yet.

"Thank you, Chopper." Her slender fingers slid around the mug. "You always have the tea perfect for me."

"I know you don't like waiting for it, commander."

"Are you saying I'm impatient?" she asked with a grin.

"Of course not, commander." He straightened on the hard bench. "Eager, restive, transient. Perhaps even precipitate and, occasionally, fretful and fidgety. But impatient? Never."

She giggled, enjoying his deadpan delivery. The corner of his lips twisted up.

"It is always my pleasure, commander, to have your tea ready when I know you're coming to talk to me." His lips twisted for a moment, trying to explain what he meant. "I do not count it my duty as your second; I count it my privilege as your friend."

She blushed softly and bent her head to her tea. Her eyes widened and she smiled as she noticed he wasn't wearing his gloves. Slowly she reached out to touch his hand.

Chopper shrugged and spread his fingers flat on the table, moving them closer for her inspection. "Didn't seem worth wearing the gloves all the time anymore."

"I'm glad, Chopper." Her voice was soft and he knew it was because he was better; because he was not afraid of his own scars anymore. He frowned; sometimes but not too often. She ran her fingers lightly over his knuckles then gave a nod.

"You've got good, strong hands." She pulled her own hands back to cup the tea.

Chopper raised one hand, looking at it, turning it and making a fist. He could see the strength she referred to as well as dexterity and grace. They were good, strong hands; they had pulled troopers out of a gunship for those scars, they had shuffled and dealt cards in comraderie, they had carried the wounded to the medic or to safety, they had taught a Togrutan woman how to fire a blaster and defend herself. He nodded as well, setting his hands around his own mug of caf.

"Would my scars scare away a woman?" he asked. "For sex?"

The commander sputtered and turned more red-orange than he thought possible. He was sure his own ears were bright red as well and he bent his head staring at his now-empty mug.

"I want to make love to a woman and," he sucked his lower lip in-between his teeth then let loose a breath. "I don't know how."

Her eyes went wide and she carefully set her own mug on the table. "Wouldn't Coric be better to ask?"

Chopper reached and covered her hand with his. "Not the mechanics, commander," he clarified swiftly. "I understand the mechanics."

The breath whooshed out of her thankfully and through his nervousness, Chopper gave a soft chuckle at her reaction and wondered if he should ask the general. He shook his head mentally; not the general. The general left a man alone; it was the commander who visited the men in medical or made jokes to keep their spirits up. It was the commander who connected emotionally and that was what he needed to know and understand.

"But what to say, what to do before the…," he glanced down, suddenly no less embarrassed. "before the mechanics."

"Foreplay?" She asked, her head tilted and her own lower lip caught between her teeth.

He frowned, his forehead lines and scars wrinkling together. "Maybe," he said slowly. "Though I have spoken with Fives about that. I think maybe even before that?"

"Do you have a specific woman in mind?" Her voice was exasperated and Chopper brought his shoulders square as if it were the general on the other side of the table, grilling him about a mission.

"Sir, yes, sir." His voice was crisp and there was confused anger in his eyes, one honey-brown the other an odd yellow shade.

Ahsoka bit her lower lip. "I'm sorry, Chopper. I shouldn't have implied what I just did."

He bowed his head in thought for a moment then relaxed and put his hands back on the table. Her fingers came near his and, again, he reached the distance to touch her hand. "Understood, commander, this is one of those times we need to remember how different we are." He paused and wondered how much to tell her about his lady. "It's not as if I've known her long or seen her often, but I want to know how to go further before I get the chance to see my lady again." He paused, his face solemn. "If I do get the chance again."

"There's no substitute for spending time with her." Ahsoka nodded as she sighed. "Just talking or being in each other's company. Touching her; not sexually mind you, just…" She gently rubbed his scarred knuckles with her fingers.

Chopper shook his head. "I don't have a lot of time; not to spend with her, maybe not even that much time to live being a trooper and a clone."

"I know." Ahsoka stood and moved to his side of the table, sitting next to him, half turned to press her forehead against his arm. He saw the glint of tears and moved his arm from being her support to gently circling her shoulders. She slid closer, the side of her face against his chest, against his scars where his heart beat steady and strong.

Ah, vodal'ika, you cry for all of us, not just for the captain.

"You have to be vulnerable," it was a muffled sentence. "You have to show her all of you, not just the physical. You have to let her know that sometimes you're afraid or angry or… impatient."

Chopper's hand stroked her back reassuringly. "Thank you, vodal'ika."

"But you have to watch out, Chopper." She leaned back, merely sitting against him and no longer crying against his heart.

He had found that oddly endearing. "What for, commander?"

"You might fall irrevocably in love with her," she touched his chest with a finger, right where a deep scar was embedded in his skin under the GAR uniform shirt. "And that leaves scars, Chopper."

The commander was staring at him, but her blue eyes were focused somewhere else. "Love, that kind of love, bends people. Like the way a plant grows toward sunlight."

Chopper contemplated her for a moment; letting her eyes come back to focus on him. She had given him what she knew and it had been more than sufficient. When the commander went to battle in front of her men, she went with no hesitation, full-out. She gave everything she had and expected no less from them, so deep was her love. It was why she visited them in the medical unit, in the mess. It was why she knew them individually, their names and designations, their specialties, their needs. They were her men and she loved them.

"Commander, can they take the Force away from you?" Chopper asked.

She shook her head. "The Force is omnipresent; it is within me to be aware of it. Like anyone who pays attention can feel the air they breathe."

"Then why is it a concern," he asked. "They can only take away your…" He flared his fingers. "Your title, your designation as Jedi."

"They are warning me, Chopper, not of what they will do or take away; but of what will happen if I let the emotions hold sway. The mind must be disciplined to direct the Force in balance."

He snorted. "That's a perfection I don't think many people, even Jedi, can maintain forever."

"I don't have to maintain it forever, Chopper. Just until …" She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked down, her fingers, pale orange, pressed against the bench they sat on..

Chopper knew how long she had to wait. She'd love Rex with that fierce intensity until the moment she died.

He reached his hand out to take hers, offering it as Riyo had offered her hand to him in the LAAT, offering it to share her sorrow.

Discussiont II - Attachment

Ahsoka was glad Rex was sitting at his desk when she entered his office. He pushed the data pad aside as she sat facing him, the desk an obstacle between them. She watched him and he, in turned, watched her.

"Commander," he gave a nod and started to stand.

She gestured her hand palm down, her fingertips moving in a small flutter. "Unofficial, don't stand, Rex." she said but had taken the chair most often used by the troopers, across from the desk.

Ahsoka didn't think she'd ever get tired of his face, of his expressions, of the very nature of him. She knew he felt the same way; endlessly fascinated with her face, her expressions, how often he wanted to reach out and touch her face.

He had, once, on the battlefield. Observing her through the visor of his helmet, he had removed his hand armor – the circular lame of his gauntlet and his glove – then slowly reached up and, with a warm fingertip, rubbed something off her cheek close to the narrow of her nose. A bit of dust, perhaps even a drop of blood – there had been hard in-fighting and she had worked to protect those men who'd fallen.

"Inappropriate, commander," he had said in a voice husky with exertion and the pain of his own wounds.

Only then had she realized it was a small line of tears.

"Chopper suggested I talk with you." Ahsoka said, setting the memory aside; someplace special in her mind where she kept all her memories of Rex for when she was old or alone, she could bring them out to warm her heart. "He said you and I are friends and perhaps we should be brothers by choice." She laughed, bringing her feet to the edge of the chair. "Not that I'm a trooper, but I understand the relationship. I see it and can feel the bonds of affection between those men with brothers and he's right. Since the ice cave, there is that kind of bond between Chopper and me. I'm glad the Council didn't send me away from the 501st." She paused, her face tight then relaxed. "It was fun, the last few days in the Temple, when I knew I was coming back but I'm glad to be back." She ducked her head, blushing. "Anyway, Chopper and I talked for ages last night. He explained so much about troopers to me, things I hadn't known. Did you know that all troopers have absolute pitch?"

Rex simply looked at her with a smile twitching the corners of his lips. "I believe I was aware of that fact."

Ahsoka laughed again. Of course he knew. "I talked about Jedi and attachments and being commander. My contribution to the conversation very likely bored him."

"Not Chopper," Rex relaxed, letting his smile come out of hiding. Nor me, he thought. I could listen to you forever. "I'm glad, commander. It seems that Chopper has come a long way since being with the traitor. But why did he suggest you speak with me?"

Ahsoka felt his longing, nameless to both of them, and wanted to hold him away from this war. "Chopper told me that brothers by choice are almost always troopers who grew up together, who belong to the same unit. Because I was civilian and female," she chuckled softly at that, "and Jedi then I would probably want more and different 'siblings' by choice."

Rex watched her, his face suddenly passive, emotionless. "Did he… Again, why me?"

Ahsoka sighed, unwinding her arms from around her knees and leaning forward. "Chopper thought that we, you and I, would be good brothers by choice. He said he could see how close we were, how well we worked together, how much we took care of each other and our men. With his eyes opened to different options, he saw the possibility in you and me." She stood, running her fingers along the desk's surface. Her fingers touched some medals he kept on display there. "Pragmatically, he said that you were nearly equal rank with me and could be where he couldn't." She smiled absently, fingertips caressing the ribbon of the medal he'd received after Christophsis, straightening an imaginary crease. "Chopper's exact words were 'he can watch over you when I can't'.

Rex clenched his fists to keep from reaching out to gather her fingers into his hand. He held his emotions, his wants, in check. "And you? What do you say, Ahsoka? Are you inviting me to be your brother by choice?" He'd accept that. He'd revel in it.

Softly she shook her head. Her fingers' travel had brought her to his side of the desk. "I can't, Rex."

His hopes dashed, he nodded, his fists unclenching. He was still her captain. That would have to be enough.

"You would be more than a brother," she whispered, barely choking out the words, looking up into his face with stricken eyes. Her palms came up to his face. "You're the attachment the Jedi council warns against. With you, I can see very clearly why the council warns against attachment. If I could, I would give you anything."

"I wouldn't ask that, Ahsoka." Rex said softly, looking into her eyes, memorizing the feel of her warm fingertips against his skin. "I was with Chopper when the Council interviewed him. I wouldn't hinder you; wouldn't lead you to the dark side, wouldn't ask you use the Force for me."

"No," she murmured softly. "I don't think a Jedi can be led to the dark side, I think it has to be…" She made a gesture with her hands, as if picking up something. "Embraced. Entered with full cognizance of what is happening." She took a step back, her hands clenched as it she were a small child trying to remind herself not to grab something. "You're like light, Rex. You would not lead me to the dark side. But the problem with light is that it can be blinding." She raised her hand and looked at her palms with a frown. "This thing, this emotion, that could be between us, Rex," she looked into his eyes. There were tears in hers and he wanted to hold her, keep her safe. He shut his eyes, but her voice held the tears also.

"It would blind me and I'd never see myself falling into the dark side."

That was more than enough. Wordlessly, he stood. Carefully, his arms went around her shoulders and he gently hugged her to him, bent his head until his cheek was against the warmth of her lekku. He understood her words; he'd thought of it often himself. Who would he choose if it came down to her or Torrent Company?

She knew it was good-bye though neither of them was leaving.

My using 'vodal'ika'... While Mando'a is a gender-neutral, contextual language; there are times when it's a good idea to define whether someone is male or female. such as in the Mando'a saying: Ke barjurir gar'ade, jagyc'ade kot'la a dalyc'ade kotla'shya. - "Train your sons to be strong but your daughters to be stronger with jagyc'ade as son specified from dalyc'ade or daughter.

The word vod'ika refers to any brother, sister or good friend; while dalyc is an adjective for 'female'. Seeing as Chopper considers Ahsoka as his little sister, I felt the dalyc was good to add to distinguish her from a sea of brothers. Putting vod, dalyc and ika together gave me vodal'ika. So it is made up by me based on my understanding of Mando'a per Wikipedia.

Oh yes, don't forget to read, enjoy and review. Next chapter - tomorrow.