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Fifty Words for Forgiveness
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You knew the second you saw Quinn on the stage, rather than in the seats, that this was going to be important, life-altering. This entire situation hadn't been orchestrated for nothing. Of course, there were two sides to every coin, and as you walked down the aisle to get to her, you could feel the nerves kicking in. She calmed you, however, with a lazy smile on her lips, and you dumped your bag at the bottom of the steps before climbing onto the stage to join her.
Rather than approach you like you thought Quinn would do, she turned and moved back over to the piano, picking something up. Okay, so maybe this wasn't what you thought it was. Maybe you had gotten your hopes up for nothing, because she just blanked you.
Running your tongue over your bottom lip, you moved closer and began to open your mouth to speak. Quinn caught you and frantically shook her head, causing you to frown and glance about the room. Maybe the two of you weren't alone. Maybe someone was listening.
Since it was better not to ask and draw attention to the two of you, you took a seat on the piano stool she had just vacated, and then watched Quinn move towards you. She had a piece of paper in her hands, with one of the corners dog-eared from being played with, and you could see writing on it.
What the hell was going on?
Before you could ask, she had handed you the sheet of paper to see for yourself.
Please, don't say anything, just read this through. I promise, I'll clear things up at the end, it said on the front, and you unfolded the rest of it. This was really weird, and you now were convinced that you had misunderstood Rachel's enthusiasm for you, and that smile Quinn gave you. Something else was clearly going on, and it didn't feel good.
While I know this is rather unorthodox, I thought I'd follow example. After all, it was you who wrote me a letter when you were struggling to find the words, and I admit, I am lost for them, too. There's so much I want to say, so much I need to say, that this seems the best way to do so.
You paused, and looked up at her, ready to speak again, but she placed her finger over your lips and pointed back down at the letter. So no, you weren't meant to be talking at all. God, wasn't this a blast from the past. However, the least you could do was read her letter, even if it was her breaking things off with you.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about how much Fifty Words has changed things, changed us. We could have been together, we could have secretly dated with no problem, but Fifty Words changed you, and in turn, it changed me.
You became brave, strong in your convictions, and you knew not to accept anything less than an open and honest relationship. At first, I was mad at you, I confess, but now, I can't help but thank you for this change.
You've made me stronger, made me accept nothing less than what makes me happy, and now I can finally be open about who I am. Those that are worth having in my life will stick around, and they have, whereas before I was surrounded by those who wanted their idea of perfect, regardless of my happiness.
So, to pay homage to what has brought us closer than ever before, and what has made this a relationship I know will last, I give you my fifty words- the most important words, the ones that cover all bases, that can answer all questions, and the ones that hopefully cement you in my life.
All I ask is that you can forgive me for taking so long to reach this point.
You folded the paper over with a bemused smile on your lips and watched as Quinn smiled your way in return. She wasn't rejecting you. She wasn't telling you 'not right now' or 'maybe another time'. She was actually trying to be with you.
"Hi," she began, cutting off your thoughts, and you grinned, ready to talk back.
One.
What the fuck?
Looking up abruptly, you swallowed anxiously and wondered if that had been your imagination. You had heard it. You had heard your creepy voice-over. You had. It had been so long since you'd last heard that voice, but you would never forget it. Had Quinn heard it?
"Yes. No. Thank you. You're welcome," she went on to say, biting her lip as if recalling this from memory.
Seven.
And again! But…Quinn was flicking her tongue along the edge of her teeth, completely unfazed. She couldn't hear it. Only you could, just like before. What…what?
"I miss you," she murmured this time, coming closer, her hands in front of her.
Ten.
"I'm sorry," she stressed, lifting her eyes and catching her gaze. It was all there, she still could knock you senseless with a simple look, and you allowed yourself one moment to lose yourself in it before pulling back to the now. "Forgive me," Quinn whispered, and you let out a shaky breath.
Fourteen.
As if there was anything to forgive. Yes, she hadn't been on board with you about Fifty Words when it struck you down, but look at where the two of you were now. She was there, right in front of you, saying all the things you wished you had said to her.
"I like you," she admitted, a slight grin making her way across her lips, and you smiled back, unable to stop yourself. It was impossible not to.
Seventeen.
Taking another step closer, Quinn was right in front of you, biting on her bottom lip. She reached out for your hands and pulled you up so you were standing before her. Then, her hands traced the letters on your Cheerios top. You let her, captivated by where this was going, and why she had gone from smiling to looking shy. Ducking your head to the side, you tried to catch her eye again, and when you did, you could see straight into her deepest and darkest fears.
Long ago, back when the two of you were exploring the other and trying not to make this a big deal, Quinn had begged for you to love her while she kissed your lips and your hands worked up under her dress. You had, but in return, you'd given her a piece of yourself you had never intended to give. She had gotten inside your head, your heart, and was bearing witness to all your insecurities in those kisses, those touches.
Well now, standing there, you could see every single one of hers. She was unsure, nervous, worried about how everything would play out, and scared. It was only when she opened her mouth that you understood the last emotion.
"Stay. Don't ever leave me," she whispered, almost pleading with you, her words rushing together. "I need you."
Twenty five.
You went to reply, but she shook her head. No. This was her time to talk. You were to listen. This was her fifty words. You had given her all of yours, day after day. This was hers.
"I love you," she confessed, and your heart soared at the words. God, you had missed that. You had missed hearing that, knowing that. You wanted to say it back so desperately. You were absolutely positive your eyes were conveying your message, because she looked away.
Twenty eight.
"I can't live without you." It was spoken so timidly, as if she was ashamed. You knew you couldn't talk, but you damn well could move.
Thirty three.
Your hands came up, cupping her face gently, and she leant her forehead against yours. Surely she knew that it was the same. Surely she knew that your feelings for her went beyond that of any other emotion you had felt, surpassing your love for Brittany by far. There was no comparison, really.
This was Quinn, Quinn, and your heart felt like it belonged with her. Your brain occasionally thought it was being silly, that this couldn't be it because no one found their soul mate, if that's what people wanted to call it, at such a young age. But, when Quinn looked at you, touched you, kissed you, there was no denying that you felt like you were home, you were happy, you were complete.
It might not make sense to others, but it made sense to you, and that's all that mattered.
"Love me," Quinn said, looking at you with such a need you found yourself nodding.
You would, you would love her until your last dying breath if she'd let you. Yes, at times, she'd probably want to kill you, and you'd probably want to do the same, but God, this girl. You loved this girl.
Thirty five.
"Kiss me," she began slowly, and you made to do just that, but she chuckled and shook her head. That had you frowning, but she went on.
Thirty seven.
"Touch me," she murmured, her eyes shining mischievously as she spoke, and you tried to fight the groan that thought invoked.
Thirty nine.
"Make love to me." God, you would, right on that damn piano if she'd let you. As if she could read your mind, she smirked and shook her head.
Forty three.
She was winding down now. This was going somewhere, and you waited with bated breath to hear what she was going to say next.
"Please."
Forty four.
"Santana."
Forty five.
Jesus, she was dragging this out. She was making you suffer with her sultry voice and hazel eyes, and you could feel her hands, now having wrapped around your neck, gently caressing the skin there, slowly. She was torturing you, and you whimpered, desperate to know what she was going to say.
She had five words. What the hell could she say in five words that would top everything else?
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
Fifty.
You took a shaky breath, your chest was practically heaving, and you blinked a few times to try and focus yourself. It felt like the room was spinning. She had…she had…you needed a moment because Quinn Fabray, Quinn Fabray, had just…she had just…
In fifty words, she had just dismantled you completely and put you back together again.
Christ, it all to lead her to you, you realised. Fifty Words…It…This was it. This was the end of Fifty Words, not before when the creepy voice-over disappeared. No, this was it, right there, right now.
Fifty Words had guided you, shaped your actions and choices. It had helped you find true friends along the way, make amends with past friends, and push you towards the very girl in front of you.
Brittany had said it was about helping you, saving you, and it had done all that. It had. But it had done so much more. It had made you into a better person, a loving person, who would stand by their convictions no matter what. And because of that, because you had done exactly what it wanted, you now found yourself in true happiness, because loving Quinn, being with Quinn, achieved that.
You could do anything with Quinn at your side.
And she…good lord, she had just asked you to be her girlfriend, the very question you wished you could have asked her before Fifty Words had stolen your words from you, robbed you of your voice, and forced your hand.
You would have asked, back then. You would have gone along with being a secret, back then. You would have loved her in private, back then. But now, now she was asking you to publically be her girlfriend.
Maybe you were never meant to ask. Maybe she always was. Maybe Fifty Words was just as much for her as it was for you. Maybe you both had to learn from it. Maybe you both were meant to shed your lonely armour of past and move forward with the other, together.
"San?" Quinn wondered, looking worried, and you waited, just in case, but the voice over never came. You were right. Fifty Words was as much as Quinn's journey as it was yours, and she had no idea.
"Yes," you replied, your lips twitching into a smile.
"Yes?" She cocked one eyebrow in question, and you smirked, nodding fully now.
"Yes, I'll be your girlfriend. God, will I ever," you murmured, licking your lips and closing your eyes to just take in the moment, breathing her in as you did so. Fucking sunshine and fresh air, enveloping your senses, captivating you completely.
Quinn chuckled and let out a relieved breath, then her hands were cupping your face, in your hair, pulling you forward into her kiss, sealing your words with her mouth and making you weak at the knees. It was a welcomed move, and you ended up smiling into it, your arms now wrapped round her neck.
"I love you. I love you. I love you," you murmured, unable to stop yourself. You couldn't. You had waited and waited so long to be able to say those words to her and know that she would accept them no matter what, not just depending on who was present in the room.
"I love you, too. You have no idea," she replied, biting her bottom lip as she grinned. It was a gorgeous sight to behold and you kissed her once more. "I know this doesn't make everything perfect. I know we have college ahead and that'll be a nightmare, but Yale is only two and a half hours away from New York and we-" Quinn began to ramble when your lips began their path across the rest of her skin.
You'd missed her soft touch so much, and God, you going to spend the rest of the night making up for lost time and worshipping what you had almost lost.
It was only when your tongue was flicking across her collarbone that you realised what she'd just said, and you pulled back. She had stopped when you did, and waited mid-sentence to see what you were going to say. She actually looked scared as if she had just ruined things.
No, that was nowhere near the truth.
"Yale, huh?" you checked, just in case you had actually heard her wrong.
"Yeah," she replied, nodding softly.
"You always did have to be better than everyone else," you teased, and she smiled. "No, seriously, Q, that's fantastic news. You're going to fucking dominate there." How could she not, she was Quinn Fabray.
"Just like I did here, then," Quinn replied, making your face drop. Oh hell no.
"You wish," you barked, shaking your head as she smirked at you, looking fucking gorgeous as she did so.
"Weren't you meant to be giving me a compliment or at least a congratulations?" Quinn asked, turning pensive for a moment, but her smile was giving her intentions away.
"Hmm, no, I don't think so," you replied, knowing two could play at that game. Quinn chuckled under her breath and rolled her eyes, shaking her head at you. Try as you might, you smirked and pulled her body back into yours. "Congratulations, I'm so fucking proud of you. And we'll make this work. I know we will."
"I believe you," Quinn whispered, and if that wasn't growth, what was?
Grinning, this time it was your turn to close the distance, and you kissed her with a smile on your lips and a warmth in your heart.
There was no way the universe would just throw Fifty Words at the two of you if the relationship was destined to fail. That just wasn't possible. But you knew that it didn't mean you were always going to be safe. You knew you had to work at this, constantly work at it if you wanted to be with Quinn, but you were already aware of that fact when you fell head over heels in love with her.
It had been a hell of a long time coming, but you'd both made it through this. Yes, the (current) hard part wasn't over, but for any successful relationship to work, the foundations had to be correct. Fifty Words had ripped out the poor ones the two of you had built in your bedroom on Friday nights, panting in the other's ear as you came closer and closer to the edge, and replaced them with proper, solid foundations; foundations that were built to last.
Fifty words, because if you couldn't say it in fifty words or less, then it didn't need to be said. That was your mantra, that was what you lived by. Fifty words to bare your heart, to bare your soul, and that's exactly what Quinn had done, for you, for your acceptance, for your love, for your forgiveness, just like you had done for her.
Finally, the scales were even, the ground was laid, and you were both ready. Maybe this was where the journey began. Maybe Fifty Words was just the introduction, not the first act, nor the whole play. Maybe this was where you really found out how much you'd learnt, how much you'd grown, and how much you could handle.
Regardless, with Quinn beside you, with her hand in yours, you'd find a way to make it through anything. She made you invincible like that, her and her fifty words.
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A.N. – And there we have it. Almost. There will be a one-shot from Rachel's point of view, dealing with the aftermath of Santana's rejection, and it reveals what happens with Quinn and Santana past this ending. And for those of you who were rooting for Pezberry, and doing a damn good job of making me want to jump ship half way through, I do have an alternate ending written, which will be posted at some point in the future.
Words truly cannot express my thanks to you all for reading, for giving this story a chance, and for sticking with it until the end. This would not have been half of what it is right now without your support and input along the way. So thank you, thank you, so much. I hope the ending was worth the wait.
Cheers!