Haha. This idea came rather unexpectedly, if you'll pardon the pun, but I like it. Also I like writing Roy. A lot. (It's a pity I suck so much at RoyEd.)
Sorry for the delay - between work and school, I suddenly have a lot less time to write. I'm not giving up on anything, but I am struggling with trying to actually get this written ;_;
Fairyboydammit: Yay! I actually looked it up to make sure I was remembering the hydrogen/deuterium thing correctly (if you happened to miss the stealth pun with 'heavy') so I'm happy it worked. And I'm one of those weird people with no limits - pair somebody with their centuries-older half-brother? Sure! Torture, kill, rape, mindfuck characters? I'm happy to XD I think people avoid incest implications with Edvy because there's none of that 'love deeper than anyone can understand' stuff like with Elricest. The implications aren't already there - it's hard to write deliberate incest when they aren't already in love in some way. As for Envy's shapeshifting being used Replacement Goldfish style, I've seen a few RoyxEnvy/RoyxEds that used that concept, but nothing where it was Ed doing it. Moral upstanding citizen and all that. /sarcasm And I think I'm going to up the rating for the next sex-centered theme I do, whenever that is. Thanks for the advice - the rating system's a bit murky :P Thanks for reviewing, your comments are always a pleasure to read :D
xxakikoakanexx: Bahaha. Of course it is. I'm thinking of writing a longer story based on the same idea, if that makes you happy :) Thanks for reviewing!
Pen-Name-Kitsune-Chan: Ooh, thank you :) I like that particular paragraph too, I went back after I finished the story to rewrite it a bit. Thanks for commenting, and I promise promise PROMISE I'm gonna get back on track with updating...uh...everything :P
Teeshdapeech: D'aww, thank you Edvy is my favourite pairing too (obvs). I seem to be getting lots of love for that chapter, which is awesome. Thanks for reviewing!
72. Unexpected
If you were to ask Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, Hero of the People and youngest State Alchemist in history, what he hated, the list would be shockingly long and descriptive. Of course, most of it was said with his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, and about half of it required explanation. (The only explanation most people ever got, sadly, was 'you had to be there'.)
If you were to ask Edward Elric who he hated, the list would drop to a short but brutal five. "The hobo, the bastard, the other bastard, the fucker who looks like the bastard and the fucker who doesn't." Once again, the list required explanation, or rather translation by the second of the brothers - "Scar, Dad, the Colonel, Father and...well, Envy."
At which point Al would turn to Ed and ask quizzically, "How come you hate Envy so much and not the rest of the homunculi?"
Which Ed would always respond to with a simple, "Because he's a fucker. Now leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."
"Oh, Fullmetal! Sorry, I didn't see you there over my paperwork."
"I've been here for five fucking minutes," Ed gritted, grinding his teeth together until he thought he could feel them eroding.
Mustang shrugged, and then leant forward with a sly smirk. "So how badly did you screw up your mission?" At Ed's shocked expression, he laughed. "Don't look so surprised, you're terrible at hiding your feelings. How much is this going to cost?"
"Nothing!" Ed jabbed a gloved finger into the Colonel's face. "Because I didn't screw up. So shut your bastard mouth."
"I want the full report, Fullmetal..." At Ed's sigh, sympathy won out. "...later. Just tell me what went wrong."
"Envy went wrong."
"Envy?" Mustang's eyebrows shot up past his hairline.
"Envy," echoed the blond wearily.
"Envy showed up on your mission."
"Are you going senile already? I thought that's what I said."
"Actually, what you said was -"
"Whatever!" hissed Ed, plopping down on the couch and crossing his arms indignantly. "Point is, he showed up, started pissing me off, lost my temper, nearly blew my cover."
Roy blinked, not taking his eyes off of Ed, who was steadfastly staring at the wall in an attempt to keep a blush from suffusing his face. "Congratulations, Fullmetal."
"Hanh?"
"You admitted to losing your temper. That's progress."
Ed looked askance at the Colonel. "Okay, I can't tell if you're being snarky or not. That's not good."
"I mean it in both good faith and good humour."
"Oh, fuck you."
"As much as I appreciate the offer, I hardly think it's appropriate."
The embarrassed blush that Ed had been struggling with earlier suddenly returned in full force for a completely different reason. "WHAT? I - you - hanh - what?" After almost a full minute of choking, he glared acidly at the Colonel. "HOW DO YOU DO THAT?"
"Do what?"
"You know! Stay so fucking composed all the time!"
Mustang laughed again. "Why wouldn't I? I let you talk long enough and you end up digging your own grave."
"Bastard."
"Your greatest weapon against someone is their own words. You're dismissed - be back here in two hours to give me a full report...and to explain exactly how you managed to destroy only the lower half of a farmhouse."
It was a scant three days after his conversation with Mustang (actually more subdued that normal) when Envy showed up in Central again, on the eve of his and Al's departure for the next mission.
Such was his luck.
"Pst! Pipsqueak!"
Ed spun around on his heel, dropping his bag of books (he needed reading material for the train, after all) and bringing up his fists - to find nothing there except the stone statues that lined the library steps.
There was one more than usual.
One of the gargoyles split into a toothy grin. "I think you shrunk while I were gone."
"Piss off! And I'm the same goddamn height as before, bastard!"
"Haha." The gargoyle started to dance with red lightning, slowly transforming into Envy's more familiar shape. "Really, then?" Envy patted Ed on the head, his smile cruel and mocking to match his tone. "Ne, denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
"SHUT UP!"
Envy sat back, raising one hand and unfolding one white finger after another. One...Two...Three...
With a swiftness that belied his lazy pose, he lay back in open air, fingers gripping the side of the stairs and keeping him seated. He grinned as the automail blade came within a whisper of his face.
"Missed me... Jeez, you humans are so predictable." He sat back up, kicking Ed fiercely in the stomach. "Freaking scum of the earth, I tell you."
Ed glanced up at him, teeth clenched...and then suddenly, he remembered what Mustang had said.
"Your greatest weapon against someone...is their own words."
"Oh yeah? Doesn't explain why you look at me like that, then." He plastered on a cocksure grin, although it was more of a grimace. It was a pathetic first attempt at wordplay, mostly stolen from Mustang to begin with, but it was a start.
What he didn't expect was for a faint blush to start spreading across Envy's white cheeks, darkening with every second until with a frustrated growl, the homunculus drove his fist into the alchemist's face.
"Shut up!" hissed Envy, obviously rattled, before running off.
"... and then he just took off! Jeez, if I'd known he was that sensitive..." Ed kept rambling, trying to avoid actually admitting that Mustang had been right.
The Colonel had lost his eyebrows somewhere in outer space at this point. "And...that's everything? That's exactly all he did?"
"Whaddaya mean, all he did?" Ed pointed to the bruise on his jaw. "I'm surprised he didn't break my jaw."
Mustang began to chuckle.
"Stop it," complained Ed. "The hell are you laughing at? I don't see what's so funny about the fucker following me around everywhere. He's like a goddamn stalker, and -"
Mustang's chuckles turned into full-blown laughter, although he covered his mouth in an attempt to stifle it when he saw Ed's face. He took a deep breath. "Fullmetal, I believe Miss Rockbell might have some...competition."
"The hell does that mean?"
Mustang blinked, and then shrugged. "You'll figure it out. Now, your next mission is -"
"But-"
"-in the South, and -"
"-I don't -"
"Are you listening or not?"
Ed couldn't get the strange encounter with Envy out of his head, even an hour into the train ride. Al had tried talking to him a few times, only to receive one-word answers grunted distractedly.
What on earth had the bastard Colonel meant, Winry had competition? For what? Automail? That couldn't be it.
Suddenly, Ed remembered what everybody teased him about when it came to Winry. The entire squad seemed convinced that Winry was...his...girlfriend...
...which meant...
"Oh no. No. That's not true. Not true. Can't be. No way, no way, no goddamn way."
"What's the matter, Brother?"
Ed took a deep breath. "If someone...seems to, er, seems to like spending time with you a lot...like, they'll go out of their way to see you...and you make a joke about them staring at you and they blush...what does that mean?"
Al stared at him for a moment. "They have a crush on you, Brother." There was a teasing note in his voice, and he poked Ed gently in the side. "Who is it?"
Ed covered his eyes with one hand. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
Well.
That was unexpected.