EDIT: Okay, redone, because my idea kind of got lost and I could have done better and so I'm breaking one of my own rules and actually going back and trying to do better. This is 2003 anime canon.

Years and years ago, I started writing a story in which Envy goes to the library and makes friends with a librarian, and then starts learning about everything he can. It was actually pretty cool, and it made sense even though it was first-anime canon, since language would have changed quite a bit since the 1500s. I still have the notebook with the story in it, and the concept here is similar, if not quite the same.

Teeshdapeech: If you like AUs, you'll like the next one. And I don't know why but I've been in a reeeeally fluffy mood lately. Thanks for commenting!

TheAUWalker: Heehee. I actually kept writing for like a page after that, and then went "Wait...no..." and cut it off right there. And thank you for the compliment ^^ I've found an editor, but thanks for the offer :D Thanks for reviewing (and you will like the next chapter!)

Fairyboydammit: I don't know why I'm writing so many cute ones ._. I'm ruining my rep! XD But I always imagine Envy as being surprisingly good with kids - when he isn't killing them - because kids hate pretense, and powers aside Envy's a shitty actor. He can't lie to save his life (No, I didn't kill Hughes, I dunno what you're talkin' about) and he doesn't try to be all cutey and stuff. Honestly, kids appreciate that. Thanks for the offer, by the way, but I've found meself an editor :) And also thanks for reviewing :D

Violetlight: Yeah, I should have used different names, but it didn't actually occur to me until later that it would be a good idea xD Besides, Al loved Nina too ;_; I shipped Al/Win for a long time before I saw Brotherhood and was introduced to the awesomeness that is BeanGirl. I'll probably get around to Milos at some point, it does look pretty cool. And I can't promise anything, I'm deciding what I'm going to continue based on a poll at the end of all 100 themes. That's definitely one of the poll options though XD Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you liked it!

Shade40: Yeah, Nina's a common name for Elric kids, although in this case she's Al's child instead of Ed's. I've seen this situation often enough, sadly, that it just seemed perfectly natural. I was originally going to have them be lovers and that was just another reason Winry didn't want them around, but it ended up not working that way. (The original draft made it clear that Ed was kidding around about the 'pretty' comment.) The reason why Nina's even there is to show that it doesn't even occur to her that it's weird for Envy to find Ed pretty. Ahh, innocent kids. How cute and awesome you are. Anyway thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you liked it :)

what-is-the-colour-of-love: Let alone why ENVY was saying it XD Thanks for stopping by, haven't heard from you in a while :)

GBlackwell: Oh god, I laughed so hard at your review I think I broke a rib. I didn't even bother with subtext, I just wanted to pile confusion and awkwardness on Ed - and I'm really, really happy you found it funny. "A hero being stalked by a four-hundred-year-old genderless abomination that has developed a crush on him" oh my ribs. XD Thanks for reviewing! (I missed you and your walls of text.)

Call Me Tom: YES DW I'm a big fan - especially of that episode. I've actually got two oneshots up for it, one of them for that episode XD And Envy is just awesome with kids because he doesn't even bother pretending. Winry...Winry is loud, opinionated and doesn't let anyone bully her into anything. Sadly in situations such as this, especially when her kids are involved, that means she's a bit of a bitch. And I knowwwww it's making ME angst! (But hey, SNEA and HotP.) Thanks for reviewing, lubberly.

77. Library

Ed knew the homunculi were - individual sins aside - capricious, spiteful creatures. He'd figured out that much.

So when he saw a familiar head of green hair at the other end of the Second Branch Military Library, he assumed the worst.

Envy's first hint, however, was a pair of white-gloved hands slamming into the table in front of him with their usual asymmetrical sound. "Can't I have one place without you bastards invading?" he hissed.

Envy glanced up into Ed's eyes, broiling and sparking with anger, and then back down at the book, turning a page idly. "Not everything's about you, pipsqueak."

"I'M MORE THAN A SPECK IN YOUR EYE, FREAK!"

Envy ignored him, even though it was tempting just to reach up and rip out an eyeball. Honestly. The idiot alchemist needed to remember that Envy could do that. Only Dante's orders prevented him.

"And why else would you be here, except to torture me? It's not like your kind are bursting with intellectual fervour."

"My, my, big words, shorty. They're bigger than you are." I'm probably better read than you, jackass, hissed the less-composed part of him.

"SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!" Ed screamed, only to be shushed by a librarian. "Come on. What do you want from me now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I'm reading."

Ed snorted. "The book's upside-down, jerk."

Envy glanced down, unable to keep a flush from tainting his pale cheeks. It was one of those stupid human impulses that was part of his chosen shape. "Is...is it?" He tried to be nonchalant, turning it the right way around. He thought. He missed scrolls.

Ed glanced down, and snorted again. "And besides, am I supposed to believe that you're reading about tax law?"

"Tax law?"

"See? I knew you weren't really reading!" Ed smirked, and Envy held back his impulse to punch him in the face. It wasn't worth the trouble it would make. "If you're going to spy on me, why don't you at least take on another form?"

"Because I wasn't spying! I didn't even know you were here, now leave me alone." Envy scowled, lifting the book in front of his face and focusing intently on one group of squiggles that looked meaningful. This was what happened when you assumed everybody spoke the same language. Or at least wrote in the same direction.

It was a surprisingly long time afterwards - at least a few minutes - when an automail hand appeared on top of the book, pushing it down and forcing him to look across the table where Ed had seated himself.

"What?" spat Envy, trying to pull the book back up.

"Envy, can you even read?"

Again with the goddamn human impulses. Envy felt his entire face go red. "Yes," he growled.

"You can't, can you?"

"Piss off. I can."

Ed was struggling not to smirk. "You're, what, how many years old and you can't read?"

"I can totally read. Shut up. And for your information - midget - tax law is absolutely fascinating." He pulled up the book, hiding his oh-too-expressive face. Goddamn humans.

"How the hell can you not read?"

"I don't know, how the hell have you not grown? I can read, asshole, now leave me alone."

"To keep spying on me."

Envy groaned. "I'm not spying! If I was spying, don't you think I'd be a bit more subtle about it? Jeez. Can't even go out in my own clothes without getting suspected..."

Ed snorted. "Because you're always up to something."

"Well," he sneered back, "right now I'm figuring out what the hell there is in common between Xi and this letter...whatever it is."

The alchemist leant over, and said offhandedly, "Oh, there's no connection. That's e, which is closer to Epsilon. Xi is the same as K - hold on, wait, what?"

"Uh." Envy looked up at the alchemist. "You know Xerxian?"

"Only the alphabet. The hell are you doing trying to translate a tax law book into Xerxian?"

Envy slammed the book shut with a glare. "I'm not."

"Then why?" Ed smiled disarmingly. "You might as well tell me. What am I gonna do about it anyway?"

Of course, the homunculus laughed at that. "How about I just kill you?"

"Nah, you won't do that."

"Why?"

"Cause we're in a library."

Envy could only stare at him with disbelief before hiding behind the book again. "I can speak Amestrian but I can't read or write it. But don't even think of trying to get anything past us that way, my brothers and sisters can read it fine."

"Oh. Okay."

"Now will you leave me alone?"

"Fine."

Ed didn't leave the library for another half-hour, though, and just before he did, he slid a book in front of the still-reading Envy.

"For the record, this didn't happen," he muttered in an embarrassed tone. Envy merely snorted in return - before looking at the book.

The Xerxian Alphabet by Van Hohenheim.

Envy growled, tempted to chuck the book at the alchemist's retreating back - and then stopped.

He could figure out the Amestrian alphabet first. Then he'd incinerate both the book and the stupid brat alchemist, preferably in the hottest of flames.

And they said he couldn't prioritize.