Haha. Betcha thought this would be super emo. Brotherhood, in some weird future where Envy switched sides or was given a second chance or something. And Ed and Winry didn't get married :P

I actually wrote this one a while ago, so it's a bit odd. Mostly I wanted to have fun with Envy being weird in first person.

Pretty fluffy, although it doesn't start that way.

80. Empty

The floor was covered in empty bottles and boxes of all kinds. It was disgusting. I always knew humans were slobs – I mean, it's not like I was a clean freak, but at least I tried to clean up after myself. Well, that's what Gluttony was for. Had been for. Bah.

"Helloooo?" I called into the apartment. Mostly for appearances – I mean, I could see him. But I was trying to live as a human now (boooring) so I had to be all polite and shit. No more awesome window entrances.

He didn't move from the couch. It was definitely him – nobody else was enough of a dumbass to wear that stupid red coat, not even his brother. And he was definitely out cold.

Well, with that amount of bottles scattered around, I could always say I'd been worried for his safety. Which was kind of true. It was a better defense than 'I was curious, Your Honour'. And hey, he'd left the door open. Well, unlocked. Well, easily unlocked. If you were a shapeshifter.

Humans and their rules.

I picked my way through the minefield of bottles, boxes and cans, giving some of them a poke with my toe. Whiskey, beer, vodka – I'd never taken the pipsqueak for a drinker, and I figured at least one of these would have knocked him down within a minute, considering his size. Then again, apparently he'd been AWOL for about two weeks or so.

"Ew," I muttered. Alcohol tasted bad, and getting drunk wasn't worth the fifty or so drinks it took. Being heavy had its downsides.

Now to wake him up. He was face down on the couch, snoozing softly, but I had the feeling it would take a fair bit to wake him up. That, and I was pissed off that I wasn't allowed to kill anyone anymore, and I had to take the second-best option – irritating him.

A few moments later, I dumped a bucket of cold water on his head and was rewarded with the wonderful sight of the pipsqueak spluttering and snorting before fixing his eyes on me.

"ENVY! The hell are you doing in my apartment oww my head…" He sank back down onto the couch, clutching his head and making a really annoying whimpering sound. I rolled my eyes. He could take a beating from a homunculus, go through automail surgery, be used as a sacrifice, get stabbed through the stomach with a steel girder and a thousand other punishments, but he couldn't handle a hangover?

"Poor wee Edo had too much to drink?"

"I'm not fuckin' short anymore, so shut your dumb face and get out of my apartment."

I rolled my eyes. "You're gonna give yourself liver damage."

"So? What do you care?" he muttered.

"If you die, who am I gonna pick on?"

"Not gonna die."

I groaned again, and poked him sharply in the side. "Sit up and let me sit down or I'll sit on you."

"Go ahead."

"Need I remind you –"

"RIGHT YES I FORGOT," he interrupted in an alarmed voice, hurriedly sitting up before I could make good on my threat. I looked skinny, but he knew what I really looked like – and weighed. (Grr.)

I seated myself primly next to him. "There we go. That's how to treat a guest."

"Fatass."

I smacked him. "Why are you drinking yourself to death anyway?"

"None of your beeswax."

I smacked him again. "Immortal, awesome homunculus versus hungover alchemist who can't alchemize. Who wins?"

"Shut up."

"I'm surprised your brother hasn't dragged you out of this shithole –" I stopped at the look on his face, and then grinned. Bingo. Got my answer. "Oh, so it's your brother that's got you miserable? C'mon, tell me. I'm bored and I wanna know."

Ed clasped his hands together, twiddling his thumbs. He looked pensive, and I crossed my fingers discreetly, hoping that this wouldn't turn into some Freudian buddy-spilling thing. The last thing I wanted was some hungover teen crying all over me, or to be dealing with his problems.

"He's got a girlfriend, and I never see him anymore."

And suddenly things had crossed into 'squick' territory. "You're jealous?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"You wanna screw your brother?"

That got him moving. He got to his feet, features a mask of total and absolute horror. "ARE YOU SERIOUS? No! No nonono! Never never never! Never ever ever in this lifetime or the next or the last or after that or the previous –"

"Okay, point gotten. Sit the fuck down."

"We just used to do everything together and suddenly he's spending all his time with her! It's like…" Ed gesticulated uselessly. I wondered if he was still a bit drunk. "I dunno. I did everything for him, right? Practically raised him."

I leant back on the sofa. "So what you're saying is," I delivered in a deadpan voice, "you're pissed because your brother is more grown-up than you?"

"That's not what I'm saying at all!"

"That's exactly what you're saying. Jesus, you humans are so idiotic. Oh, I'm gonna risk my life and everything there is to get your body back, now stay exactly the same!"

Ed was glaring at me, looking just about ready to kill something. (Probably me. Wouldn't be the first time.) "That's – that's not why."

"Yeah. Yeah it is. So, my solution –" despite my assertion that I didn't want to deal with his problems, "-is to either get you a girlfriend, or at least get you a quick fuck." I stroked my chin. "Although looking like you do right now you'd be lucky to get a waitress to take your order."

Ed continued to glare at me. Obviously he didn't think much of my 'sex solves everything' theory. Funny, most humans seemed to love it.

"Luckily you have a shapeshifter on your side."

Oh, it was fun watching him freak out. I pinned him to the sofa before he could flee, straddling his hips and holding both his wrists with one hand – keeping my weight on my knees and off of him, of course – I didn't find Ed Pancake particularly attractive.

"So, what do you feel for? I can do just anything you like. Your pretty mechanic? The sharpshooting Lieutenant – well, I guess she's a Captain now – the beautiful Maria Ross?"

Ed squeezed his eyes shut as I cycled through each of the forms, each of them as nude and buxom as the next. "N-none of them!"

"Oh? Who, then? I can probably fix up something custom –"

"No girls!" he squeaked, and I stopped, lifting an eyebrow as I processed exactly what that meant –

Oh.

Ohhh. Well, that explained a hell of a hell of a lot.

"Huh. Okay." Pause. "I take it you haven't told your brother."

He shook his head, cheeks red. "Haven't figured how yet."

"Alright. Huh." Pause again. "Huh." A final beat – then back down to business. I shifted back to my normal form instinctively. "So what kinda men do you like?"

"I – I –"

"I mean, I can kind of see the Colonel's appeal, but that Second Lieutenant has his own charm – and I suppose if it's really your thing I could do Armstrong, or if you feel like sexy hobo Ishvalan –"

"Envy!" I stopped, looking down at Ed. He'd opened his eyes, and was looking up at me, cheeks just as red as before.

"What?"

"You're…" He took a deep breath. "You're great just the way you are."

Now it was my turn to blush. To be honest, I didn't hear that a whole lot. 'Palm tree freak' was a common one, up to 'murderous psychopath' from those who knew who I was. It'd been a year since the Promised Day and I hadn't found my place yet.

Maybe I'd been looking too hard.

"Uh. I. Thank you." Was I stammering? Homunculi didn't stammer, they didn't blush, they didn't freak out and get all happy when they got complimented, they didn't do any of that –

-but I guess humans did.

Good enough for me.

I leant back, chuckling slightly at the disappointed look on his face, then grabbed his collar and pulled him on top of me.

"A-are you sure you're alright with this?" the idiot began to say. "I mean, I don't want this to just be because –"

"Ed. Shut up and kiss me."

So he did.