Raunchy. Silly. Sexy. Kind of bizarre. Citrus-y-ish although honestly, not that bad. (Edit: I went back on the M thing. It's not M worthy. .)

Oh, and blame Violetlight. IT'S ALL HER FAUUUULT. It's my first go at this kind of Envy (consider it practice for something else) so sorry if it kind of sucks.

This is probably going to be the last of the silly ones - the rest will probably be very abstract, and likely very depressing. :P

86. Enemy Mine

Ed wasn't quite sure how it had happened, or exactly when - although he had a sneaking suspicion that the array he'd stumbled upon a few missions ago had done a bit more than he'd thought.

Any reasonable person would have gone to the doctor. Ed had never in his life pretended to be reasonable, and so he wrapped bandages around his chest until it was hard to breathe and deepened his voice until he thought he might choke.

But it was getting to be unmistakable, and Ed wasn't going to be able to hide it from everyone else for much longer.

Edward Elric was turning into a girl.

He dangled his feet off of a rooftop, swimming in his morose mood. How on earth was he going to tell Al? Aside from the lecture he was going to get - How could you be so stupid not to check whether an array was active or not? - how were things going to change? Al was going to start calling him 'Sister' and being all weird around him, and Winry -

Ed's brain slowed to a halt, and he let out a long, low moan, burying his (her?) face in his hands. Winry. He knew some girls liked other girls - he wasn't that oblivious - but he was pretty sure Winry wasn't one of them.

Talk about a shitshow.

Not to mention the Colonel. The Colonel was going to have an absolute party making fun of him. Or - even worse - he might start hitting on him.

"I might be sick," muttered Ed, lying back on the roof and throwing an arm over his eyes. He could feel how the balance of his body had shifted over the last three weeks. His hips were wider and heavier, and his shoulders had narrowed slightly, with the odd effect of making his metal leg feel lighter and his automail arm heavier. His chest was, despite his best efforts, swelling, and if it kept up at this rate, his port was going to start buckling. He wasn't looking forward to that.

"Hello there, chibi," purred a voice, and Ed nearly fell off the roof as he scrambled to get to his feet. A hand grabbed his collar.

"Careful there, don't wanna fall." Envy grinned, purple eyes sparkling in what would have been good humour if there was anything good about the homunculus.

"What are you doing here?" grumbled Ed, although honestly, he wasn't surprised. Envy had a very particular habit of showing up where he wasn't wanted, as as much as he hated it, Ed had rather resigned himself to the fact that he had several 'guardian angels' making sure he didn't get himself killed. Where they'd been when he'd found that array, he didn't know, but he supposed it didn't matter what sex their sacrifice was.

"Oh, just out for a walk," answered Envy flippantly, baring his sharp teeth in a grin that rather belied his words. "It's a lovely night. The real question is what are you doing hangin' out on a rooftop? Heights are dangerous, ya know."

"Yet here you are," muttered the alchemist, although he knew it was a bit different.

"Ya know, something's different about you." Envy cocked his head, strands of hair shifting to expose his face, mocking smirk in place as usual. "Mebbe you've gotten taller?"

"Who're you calling a miniscule miniature maggot, freak -" Ed's diatribe was cut off when Envy suddenly slammed him down onto the rooftop, face inches away from his.

"Na, that's not it," he said again with his peculiar lilt. Then, his smirk never shifting, he slipped his hands up Ed's shirt. He leant down, breath tickling his ear. "You're bustin' out of your bandages...love."

"Oh dear god, can you get any more creepy? Get off me!" Ed pushed vainly at the homunculus, unable to get enough arm room for a proper swing, but he was too heavy.

Envy didn't move his hands, his grin widening. "So when'd this happen, chibi-chan?"

"Look, I don't fucking know, isn't it your job to stop this kind of shit from happening?"

"It's my job to stop ya from dying. That's all."

"Well, this might just be worse!"

Envy blinked, taken aback. "Worse?" he murmured, the edge in his voice dropping away for a moment. "Being a girl is worse than death?"

"Well - I - I didn't mean that exactly..."

Suddenly Envy's mouth was on his, soft lips claiming his own in what quickly became a battle for dominance - one that Ed was clearly losing. All too soon, Envy broke away, and whispered sultrily, "You have no idea how wrong you are."

As he struggled to interpret the words, Envy grabbed Ed's flesh hand, rubbing his callused thumb across his palm, and then brought it to his chest.

No.

Hers.

Oh, jeez.

Oh. Jeez.

"I - you - I-I...eh?" A second later, Ed exhaled in realization. "Shapeshifter."

"What do you think, chibi?" The hand still underneath his shirt began to pull at the bandages until they came apart, and - oh lord he'd realized they were sensitive but gahh it wasn't supposed to feel this good!

"Well?" Envy nipped at his ear with sharp teeth, their bodies flush against each other. "You'd rather die than be a girl, huh?"

"Mmh-hanh!"

"I'm sorry, what was that? Were you taking it back?"

Ed glared viciously up at Envy, but after another squeeze that elicited a purely-involuntary squeak, he managed to force out, "Yes, I take it back!"

"Heh-heh." She (it was surprisingly easy to switch pronouns) slid her hands down to Ed's stomach, and he fought the urge to pout. That had been nice. "So, enemy mine, what did ya do to yoursel'?"

"None of your business," sulked Ed, his grumpy mood returning as he remembered exactly who was on top of him. He may be a frustrated virgin, but he wasn't that frustrated.

Well. He thought.

And to be honest, the way he felt right now, there was one thing he definitely didn't miss about being fully male.

Envy scowled, and then shrugged. "Eh, I'll find out another way then if ya won't tell me." She got to her feet, brushing off her skirt nonchalantly (ahh, it made sense now) and started to walk away.

"Wait, you're leaving?"

"Well, yeah."

"But -" Ed sat up a little too fast, and then tried to look nonchalant. "You're just gonna leave like that, huh?" he said as calmly as he could, as if he wasn't about an inch away from dragging Envy back down on top of him.

She nodded, a smile playing around her lips. "What, frustrated, pipsqueak?"

"N-no!"

She bent down slightly and poked his forehead with a grin. "...Maybe next time." Turning on her heel, she strode off, her outlines blending into the darkness.

Ed sat there for a moment, too shocked to move. After he was as certain as he could possibly be that the homunculus was gone, he exhaled, trying to cool down.

And whether it had anything to do with his own gender change or not, he'd never realized it was possible for Envy to be sexy.

Ed looked down at his chest and groaned - the bandages had completely split now, and it was impossible to hide the breasts under his shirt. Tentatively, he reached up and poked one of them, resisting the urge to chuckle as it bounced.

"I...I could get used to this."

And maybe being called 'Sister' wouldn't be so bad.