Disclaimer: I don't own any of the fandoms involved.
A/N: Originally this was supposed to be written in almost 'real time'. That's sort of the reason I've written in the time.
[3:15 PM, many days later]
The world spun. I found myself in Ankh-Morpork again. At first, I didn't recognize the place. But then I realized I stood outside the post office.
"You know, we all thought you weren't coming back," said the semi-familiar voice of Miss Dearheart.
She stood beside me, smoking a cigarette.
"I thought so, too," I told her.
"You gave Lady Sybil quite a fright, being gone so long," she replied with a chuckle.
"Maybe I should go over to her house for dinner again?" I suggested.
Miss Dearheart shook her head. "I think Sam's had enough of you for the time being. Anyway, some other people showed up a few hours ago. At the UU library."
"Who?"
"It's... Hard to explain. You better go meet them," explained Miss Dearheart.
She tossed what remained of the cigarette onto the sidewalk, and crushed it with the heel of her shoe.
I followed her as she stomped toward the looming tower known as the Unseen University. The university, Lady Sybil's house, and the post office are both in the same general area.
Girls weren't allowed in the school for wizards, but they occasionally made an exception for people like Miss Dearheart. They all feared the deadly shoes she wore.
"What sort of people showed up?" I asked. "And why didn't they appear in Mr. Pratchett's living room?"
We rushed up the stairs and into the library.
The librarian greeted us with a confused "Ook?"
"It's about those two odd visitors," explained Miss Dearheart.
We were ushered into the library. I carefully avoided the dangerous books of magic (AKA everything on the shelves).
Suddenly I heard two voices arguing.
We turned into another book-lined corridor. I saw two people standing there looking rather annoyed.
"It's Twoflower without his glasses!" I laughed.
Miss Dearheart glared at me. "No. Twoflower had a different haircut and always wore floral shirts."
"My name isn't 'Twoflower', miss," he explained.
"And you're not a tourist," I confirmed.
He shook his head. "I'm a gardener, miss."
I turned to the other guest, about to ask him his name.
Miss Dearheart interrupted me before I even began to speak. "They're not tourists, which make sense. They don't know anything about Mr. Pratchett, which makes no sense. And they refuse to tell us anything about themselves except that the Twoflower lookalike is a gardener."
I stared at them. "If I get Miss Dearheart here to take you out of this dark library, will you explain?"
"I've got to go meet my fiancée outside his office now. You've got to handle our new guests now." She sounded rather annoyed.
I nodded. "Fine."
She marched away, leaving me with the two odd people.
"We leaving now. By the time we get to the pub we're going to, I better know at least your names," I told them.
The two strangers nodded sadly, and followed me out of the dark depths of the library. I led them out of the building and into the shining sunlight. We stopped walking in the middle of a semi-crowded pavilion (the main area of Psydopolis Yard).
"Miss, what city is this?" asked the gardener.
"We're in Ankh-Morpork. It's like a combination of shakespearian London and 19th century New York," I explained.
The other stranger, a brunette dressed too warm for the early-fall weather, looked at me in confusion. "What planet are we on?"
"The Discworld. I'm from earth, but I got teleported here," I told him.
"Er... by 'earth' do you mean the continent Middle Earth?" asked the brunette.
I gave him an odd look. "What's your name? And what's the gardener's name?"
He stared at me with worry clear in his blue eyes. "Tell us your name first."
"My name is Helen Jones," I explained with slight annoyance.
The gardener spoke up first. "My name is Samwise Gamgee, but you can call me Sam."
I realized something. "And you're Frodo Baggins! I'm pleased to meet both of you."
"How to you know that, miss?"asked Sam.
"It's hard to explain... I'll have to ask Mr. Pratchett," I explained.
"Who is Mr. Pratchett?" asked Frodo.
"Well, Frodo... He's a very interesting person," I said, wishing I remembered where he lived.
The brunette glared at me. "That's Mr. Baggins to you, Helen. Only friends can call me by my first name."
I nodded, trying to remember where Mr. Pratchett lived. What does one do when lost in the big city?
The ask a copper!
I quickly spotted the familiar uniform. "C'mon, you two," I said as I led the two towards the watchman.
"Sir?" I said, tapping him on the shoulder, "could you direct me to the home of Mr. Terry Pratchett?"
The copper turned out to be Corporal Visit, an infamously religious watchman.
He pointed out the building, and I quickly dragged the two guests to it. I wanted to spare them the torture of a lecture.
"You didn't have to grab our shirts like that," grumbled Sam.
"Sorry," I muttered, knocking on the building's door.
An older woman (the landlady) answered it. "What is it?"
"I've got to introduce theses two to Mr. Terry Pratchett. It's about that portal to the Roundworld," I explained.
"He's busy," said the landlady coldly.
She then closed the door in our faces.
"You know, he has a social life," said a female voice from behind me.
All of us turned around to see Susan Sto Helit.
"These two just showed up. And there not from the Roundworld!" I told her, panicking slightly.
Susan looked at the necklace Mr. Baggins wore around his neck. "You're right, that sort of magic rarely shows up where you live."
"Can you help explain any of this, Miss Susan?" I asked her.
She frowned. "I've got a date with my fiancée this evening, but it's only 4:30. Anyway, time hardly matters to him."
The four of us walked down the streets.
"Where're we going, miss?" Sam asked me quietly.
"I'm not sure," I replied.
Susan Sto Helit led us into an apartment building. She lived on the third floor, in a one bedroom flat with a nice little kitchen, a simple sitting room, and two bathrooms.
"Sit down," she ordered us, in her 'school teacher' voice.
The two hobbits sat on the couch. I almost sat next to them, but that seemed too strange. So, I stood next to the couch awkwardly.
"I haven't read the books, but I've seen the movies. I'd never really thought you could be real," I said.
Mr. Frodo Baggins glared at me. "What're you talking about?"
"Where I'm from, you two aren't real. Neither is the Discworld, actually. But Susan's been real ever since I read 'Soul Music'. Realer than most things, actually. I'd always thought it would be cool if you guys were real," I explained.
Susan came back into the room with a tray. "Serve yourselves."
She sat down on the couch.
Sam immediately helped himself to the biscuits, while Mr. Baggins regarded it with suspicion.
"You know, Susan, you've always been my favorite Discworld character," I said, with as much politeness as I could.
"Thank you," she replied, sipping her tea.
"You seem nice and all, Miss Susan. Could you explain what's going on now?" asked Sam.
Susan carefully set down her tea cup. "Somehow, a portal from the Roundworld to the Discworld appeared a few weeks ago. Helen kept appearing here for no reason. We never figured out why. It's been at least a week since she last appeared here. Then she showed up today, right when you did. We have no idea what's triggering it."
"How did you know about the ring of power?" asked Mr. Baggins.
Susan frowned. "Is that the name of the ring on that necklace? I only knew it had power thanks to my semi-supernatural heritage."
"Don't worry, I don't think the Eye of Sauron can see across the multiverse," I said, remembering something from the films.
Now both hobbits looked angry.
Suddenly, a knock was heard. "Susan?" called a voice.
"That's my fiancée," she explained quietly.
The front door, which led into the sitting room, opened. A young man stood there, dressed very nicely.
"I've got to get dressed for dinner," said Susan to nobody in particular, as she rushed out of the room.
"You're the new personification of time, right?" I asked him.
He nodded. "And you're the three dimension travelers that Mr. Pratchett and the UU seem so interested in."
"Yes, we are," muttered Mr. Frodo Baggins with annoyance.
"Don't worry, the Discworld is far less violent than Middle Earth. All the Wizards are nicer, a bit like you're world's Gandalf the Grey gone really senile."
Sam chuckled at this.
Susan rushed out of her room, no longer dressed like a schoolteacher. She now looked like a respectable young woman in mourning, even though she wasn't.
The couple rushed out the door without a farewell.
"He's right, most people are nice around here. The only real violence is the small fights between different provinces on the counterweight continent. That's all the way across the sea, and nobody around here bothers with it," I explained.
This seemed to lessen the fear in both the guests.
"What should we do now?" said Mr. Frodo Baggins.
"Are any of you hungry?" I asked, after noticing the time said 5:15.
The both nodded.
"Do you know of any places to buy food?" asked Sam.
I shook my head. "I don't even have money."
The three of us sat there in silence for a moment.
"Do you think Susan has any food?" asked Sam.
I shook my head. "She usually eats out, I think."
"I might have some of food the elves packed for us," said Mr. Frodo Baggins, reaching into the bag slung over his shoulder.
Sam blushed. "I think we ate it all."
"I think you ate it all," replied his friend.
We sat there in pathetic silence.
"Maybe I should find a friend and invite them to dinner and hope the pay the bill," I said thoughtfully.
"That's not very nice," said Sam.
"But it might work!" I protested.
Mr. Baggins shook his head. "Sam is right. That friend wouldn't want to be your friend if they kept having to buy you dinner."
"You know, Lady Sybil always cooks extra food. She also said I'm always welcome."
"Do you know where she lives?" asked Sam.
I shook my head. "But I know where her husband works. He only works until 6:00, then he goes home."
"It's 5:30 now," said Sam, glancing over to his friend for approval.
Frodo Baggins nodded. "That's a good enough idea."
We left Susan's apartment and walked outside. The sun hasn't set yet and the streets were as busy as ever. The City Watch Headquarters were across the street.
The three of us rushed across the street.
With a smile, I entered the building. The two other 'foreigners' followed me. I saw Corporal Visit checking back in after patrol duty.
Sergeant Fred Colon came up to us as we walked in. "Er, what are you doing here? You're those foreign wossnames, right?"
I nodded. "Yes, we are. Foreigners with no money that works here."
"We were going to eat dinner at Lady Sybil's house because of that," explained Sam.
Mr. Frodo Baggins kicked Sam's foot. "You're not supposed to say that," he muttered
Suddenly a creature known as Corporal Nobby Nobbs wandered over to us. "Wots this, Fred? Wot 'bout not 'aving any money? Did yer not pay up yer thieves guild wossnames?"
"We're not from around here, so we don't have any Ankh-Morporkean Dollars," I explained.
"Wot do yer want us ter do 'bout it?" asked Corporal Nobbs.
"What's that creature?" muttered Sam in fear.
"I'm not sure. Looks like an Orc, I guess," replied Mr. Frodo just as quietly.
"What's going on here?" said a polite voice.
There stood Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, smiling kindly.
"I'm no' really sure," said Fred.
"What I want to know is why there's an Orc right here! You told us this place wasn't dangerous, you did!" shouted Sam, looking very scared.
This confused everybody.
"That's not an Orc. That's Corporal Nobbs," I explained to Sam.
"What is he, then?" asked Mr. Frodo Baggins, more courageously than his friend.
Captain Ironfoundersson stared at me in confusion.
"They're afraid of Corporal Nobby Nobbs, sir," I explained.
Carrot smiled kindly, "Show them the papers that Lord Vetinari signed. That's an order."
Corporal Nobbs retrieved a paper from his hat. It was covered in cigarette ash, and hard to read.
"It says he's human. The city himself leader signed it. Whatever an Orc is, Corporal Nobbs isn't one," explained Carrot, still smiling kindly.
Sam nodded in understanding.
Suddenly, the sound of two shoes rushing down the stairs could be heard. Vimes of the City Watch ran out the door.
"It's six o'clock, isn't it," I muttered to myself.
[6 o'clock]
We didn't manage to catch Commander Vimes before he dashed out the door. Captain Ironfoundersson offered to buy us food, but his girlfriend Sergeant Angua stopped him.
We sat on the steps of the building, in silence. The sun had begun to set.
"What do you think that blank carriage just stopped?" asked Sam, pointing toward the street.
I looked up and saw Lord Vetinari's solid black carriage parked in front of us. Silently, I gestured for the two hobbits to follow me.
I walked over to the carriage.
"Lord Vetinari wishes to see you three at his palace," said the driver.
The three of us climbed into the carriage and sat down.
"Who's Lord Vetinari?" asked Sam fearfully.
"The person who runs the city," I explained.
The rest of the relatively short ride we spent in silence.
When the carriage stopped we exited. His palace turned out to be a regal building, much in the style of renaissance Italy. We entered the building in silence.
Drumknott greeted us inside and led us through the dramatic corridors.
"Lord Vetinari wishes to see you, now," he explained.
We entered the oblong office.
"Miss Jones, Mr. Baggins, Mr. Gamgee. Please sit down," said the tall, imposing figure who sat behind the desk.
We sat in a row at the table.
Sam's eyes seemed to be scanning the room, perhaps for an escape. Mr. Frodo Baggins was fiddling with the ring on his necklace. My hands kept fidgeting.
Something about Lord Vetinari just scared the hell out of everybody!
"I've called you three here today for a rather, ah, unusual reason. Most come here in hope of earning money... but then lose what money they had. You three didn't want money, but you're getting a weekly amount of... 'Pocket Money'. Your here as an experiment of the Unseen University's Wizards. I can't have their experiment waste the money of Sir Samuel Vimes, Mr. Terry Pratchett, Miss Susan Sto Helit, and others. You see, even the Duke of Ankh doesn't have endless money. You also get an apartment to share.
"To keep you out of too much trouble, some government employees will be looking after you. I'm sure you already know them, Miss Jones."
"Are they from the city watch?" I asked hopefully.
He shook his head. "No, we won't waste their talents on such a thing. You'll be looked after by Stanley Howler. He needs something to do, especially now that he's gotten over his addiction to pin collecting."
I nodded, trying to accept this fate with dignity.
Sam was still trying to figure out what 'pin collecting' was, judging by the look on his face.
"So, we'll be staying in the official Postmaster apartment that Mr. Lipwig vacated a few months ago?" I asked.
"Of course. Now, you three may leave. Drumknott will present you with this weeks salary. 15 Ankh-Morporkean Dollars a week. Not bad, you know." Lord Vetinari pointed towards the door. We exited, and found Drumknott outside.
"It's dark outside, so a carriage will be driving you to your home," he explained, handing us each a small bag of money.
"Thank you!" chorused Sam and Frodo.
I said nothing.
We walked outside, and got into the carriage that awaited us.
"What did he mean by 'addiction to pins'?" Sam asked me.
I chuckled. "Stanley collected thousands of pins. You know, the things you pin clothes together with. He loved it more than anything. Now he's grown out of it, and probably doesn't do anything as obsessive anymore. He must be bored."
Sam laughed. "That's funny, isn't it Mr. Frodo?"
Frodo hadn't said anything since we'd left Lord Vetinari's office.
"He loved the pins. Did he hate them, too?" muttered Frodo thoughtfully.
"No. He wasn't really addicted. Lord Verinari was joking," I explained.
Suddenly, Sam grabbed Frodo's arm. "It wasn't like the Ring, Mr. Frodo."
Soon, the carriage lurched to a stop. I exited, as did my friends.
Though the sun had set the street lamps made it obvious we stood in front Anhk-Morpork's post office. The three of us walked up the steps and through the door.
The last few customers were buying their stamps as we entered the building.
"Where is Mr. Stanley Howler?" I asked the woman at the desk.
She eyed me carefully through her spectacles. "I think he's in the back. You must be those guests of his."
A young man in the post office uniform entered from a door behind the desk.
"Are you the 'Mr. Stanley' Lord Vetinari told us about?" asked Sam.
"That's me," he said.
"Will you take us to out apartment, then?" I asked.
He nodded, then showed us behind the desk and through the door. We found ourselves in a hallway lined with mail-filled shelves. Through that hallway, up some stairs, and through a door with the words 'Post Master' written on it.
"Lord Vetinari had two extra beds sent over. You might as well settle in, then," said Stanley Howler.
He left.
I looked around the room. A desk, a bed, a dresser, and a door that led to the bathroom.
And two makeshift beds on the floor.
"You're the lady, you sleep in the proper bed," Frodo said quickly.
I pondered this. "You're the hobbit with an extremely dangerous magical Ring around your neck, you sleep in the proper bed."
We both looked at Sam, hoping he'd settle this. "I think a lady deserves the proper bed. Anyway, I think I should be near Frodo."
This made me giggle.
"I mean so I can stop him from putting the ring on his finger and summoning ring wraiths," explained Sam, blushing furiously.
Stanley returned to the room, carrying a tray which he set down on the desk.
"Is that dinner?" I asked, hoping Mr. Groat hadn't cooked it.
Stanley nodded. "It's a funny sort of take out stuff, I think. Lord Vetinari said you shouldn't get used to it because you'll be making food for yourself tomorrow."
I wandered over to the desk. "Pizza?"
"That's what he called it," agreed Stanley.
"It looks good, doesn't it?" Sam said.
Stanley put a slice of pizza on each of the four plates. It looked safe enough to eat. We each got a plate, and found ourselves a place to sit. I sat atop my bed, Stanley sat at the desk, Frodo sat on the floor, and Sam sat on his bed.
We ate in grateful silence.
After we all finished, Stanley left the room with the tray.
I stared at the clock that hung above the door. "8:50. We should all go to bed now."
The two others nodded in agreement. Since none of us had any other clothes to change into, we settled into our beds in our day clothes.
As I was about to turn out the oil lamp that lit the room, I realized something.
"If you two are hobbits, how are you my height?" I asked.
At 5 feet I wasn't tall, but hobbits were supposed to be much shorter than people.
"Most of us are between 4'10" and 5'5". It makes sense that we're your height," replied Sam.
I turned out the light and lay down in my bed. Just as Terry Pratchett had exaggerated his stories about the Discworld, J.R.R. Tolkien exaggerated his tales of Middle-earth.
The clock by the door went 'tick-tock', just as my clock at home did. It read 9:00, but I didn't sleep yet.
In the dark, I heard the clock more loudly. I also heard Sam humming to himself as he tried to sleep. Soon, I too fell asleep.
[9:15 PM]
[10:12 PM]
I awoke in the middle of the night. When I heard the slow breathing of my two friends coming from the floor nearby, I realized I wasn't at home. On earth, this wouldn't happen. On the Discworld, crazy stuff always happened.
Smiling slightly, I tried to go back to sleep. I wondered what might happen tomorrow. At home I'd be going to school.
But here I'm not enrolled in a school.
Anyway, people probably work at my age. 16 isn't that young around here.
Again I tried to fall asleep. This time, I succeeded.
[10:20 PM]
[11:43 PM]
Again, I woke up. It was still the middle of the night!
I began to wonder if I'd get angry at the Discworld's unfortunate lack of computers and cell phones. At least most people around here are very interesting.
With AM$15 dollars a week, I'd have enough for meals. However, if we took turns paying for food, we could each buy some new clothes.
I wondered if Sachrissa Cripslock (of the Ankh-Morpork Times) would show up. If she interviewed us, then she might pay us!
Bloody Hell, I'd already begun to scheme like the rest of Ankh-Morpork citizens!
As I fell back asleep, I decided to explain my plan at breakfast.
[11:53 PM]
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