Disclaimer: I don't own any fandoms involved.
[6:52 AM, Tuesday]
The Ankh-Morpork post office begins to bustle to life at 6:50. Thanks to the noise of employees arriving downstairs, both I and the hobbits awoke.
"What's for breakfast?" Sam asked sleepily.
"I don't know," replied Frodo, looking over at me.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't know that either."
Then, I noticed I still wore my outfit from yesterday.
"One of the desk girls from the post office dropped off that outfit a moment ago," said Frodo, pointing to a dress and a jacket lying on the desk.
"I'll get dressed in the bathroom, then," I said walking over to get the outfit.
As I picked it up, I realized something. "Do you have something to wear?"
The both shook their heads.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I just went and got dressed. When I came back into the room the both still stood there.
"Er, should you ask Stanley for spare clothes?" I asked, even though I knew Stanley Howler was way taller than Sam and Frodo.
Frodo shook his head. "We've survived weeks in the same clothes."
"Is it breakfast time?" Sam asked.
"Probably," I replied.
We then left our so-called apartment. I see why Moist Von Lipwig bought an apartment with his girlfriend as soon as his parole was up.
As we walked down the corridor, I noticed Frodo's blue eyes were full of worry. He seemed very distracted by the ring.
"Why hasn't anybody tried to steal it?" he muttered.
We kept walking quickly through the corridor and down the stairs. I hoped breakfast would distract him.
After a moment we reached the hallway which led to the lobby. I stopped when I remembered something.
"Wait... I think we should say hello to our hosts so they know where we are," I said.
Right beside the stairs was a door with the words 'Staff Room' written on it.
"Do you think they'll give us a map?" asked Sam.
"Maybe."
Without further ado, I knocked on the door.
Unfortunately, the person who answered wasn't Stanley. We found ourselves face to face with Mr. Tolliver Groat.
I noticed both Frodo and Sam recoil in disgust. The old man smelled so bad I coughed.
"You're the ones living in the old apartment, aren't you?" he said.
I nodded, to disgusted to answer.
"Tell Stanley we've gone out for breakfast. He's supposed to look after us, and we wouldn't want him to worry," explained Frodo politely.
Now that I thought about it, I realized that many things on Middle-earth smelled worse than Mr. Groat's toxic home 'remedies'.
"Let's go," said Frodo, leading me out the door. Sam followed us dutifully.
We walked into the madness of the post office lobby. The clock just struck 7:30 and the doors just opened.
Frodo the responsible leader led us through the crowd and out the door. "Where's the nearest breakfast place?" he asked.
"I'm not sure," I replied.
Sam looked rather angry all of a sudden. "But you know this city, don't you?"
I shook my head. "I know it from books I read. I've never actually been here!"
"That place looks nice enough," said Frodo, pointing to a nearby diner.
Sam frowned at the sign. "It says it serves food for all the major species of Ankh-Morpork."
I rolled my eyes. "That means they serve the food liked by Trolls, Dwarfs, and Humans. Ankh-Morpork is very multi-cultural these days. Even most criminal gangs don't care what species you are." I felt like an add put out by the Guild of Merchants and Tourism.
"That sounds good enough. Let's go, then," said Frodo.
We walked to the diner. It looked safe enough. In the Pseudopolis Yard area food isn't as toxic as the stuff you buy in the Shades.
We entered the place. Sam hid behind me when he saw a dwarf and a troll having a polite conversation while armed with culture-specific weaponry.
I saw a sign that said to 'Seat Yourself'. We did so, at a table near the door.
A dwarf waiter came over to the table almost right away.
"What would you like?" he asked.
"Three well-cooked scrambled eggs and four slices of well cooked bacon," I replied before any of the hobbits could.
The great Chosen One of Middle-earth didn't need to die of food poisoning.
Our waiter nodded and marched back to the kitchen.
"I ordered the bacon and two of the scrambled eggs for you guys," I explained.
"Why didn't you let us order for ourselves?" asked Sam.
I rolled my eyes. "Because I needed to make sure everything was well cooked. We wouldn't
want you two to get sick from eating undercooked food. That's one of the worst things that could happen to you."
"So, what should we do today?" I asked them.
"I don't know anything about this city, so we shouldn't split up no matter what," said Frodo.
"I'm going to the Unseen University's library, I think. Maybe you can follow me and read some of the non-dangerous books. I think they have at least a few shelves worth of books that won't kill you," I explained.
"We might as well, then," said Sam.
Once the waiter returned with our breakfast, we ate in silence.
After that, we left for the library.
I stayed there, reading some so-called 'nonfiction' about the Discworld's history. It was very amusing.
[8:13 AM]
[9:57 AM]
The Unseen University's Wizards seemed a bit annoyed that a such 'strange foreigners' had invaded they're library.
"Oddest thing since Susan Sto Helit showed up," one of them muttered.
It was rather odd, browsing books only a few feet away from such interesting people.
[10:00 AM]
[11:49]
As I read a book about the Roundworld Project, I heard a the sound of two Scottish accents. I closed the book and set it down on the table.
"Ook?" asked the Librarian, wandering over to me.
"I think a few more dimension-travelers showed up," I whispered, pointing toward the shelves.
Carefully, I wandered over to where the Scottish sounding voices came from. The Librarian followed me, and we soon came across two very interesting people.
"Pippin Took? Merry Brandybuck?" I said in surprise.
"How does she know us?" said one of them.
When I watched the movies, I couldn't ever tell them apart. Now I still couldn't tell them apart. They were just the Scottish hobbits.
I looked at the menacing books chained to nearby shelves. "Er, I think you should follow me out of this part of the library. It's rather dangerous."
"Ook," agreed the Librarian.
We walked over to the table I'd been sitting at. Thankfully, Frodo and Sam stood there now.
"What're you two doing here!" said Merry cheerfully. [He might not have been Merry, but I decided to think of him as that.]
"We haven't seen you since those Orcs captured us!" added Pippin.
Sam looked at them with confusion. "How did you two get here?"
"Better question: where are we?" said Merry.
Nobody bothered to answer. They all looked at me, in fact.
"In the Unseen University's Library, in the city Ankh-Morpork, on the planet of the Discworld, atop the Great Turtle A'Tuin, floating through space," I explained.
"Nowhere near Middle-Earth, or any of Arda," clarified Frodo.
Both Merry and Pippin looked confused.
"Is there any good beer around here?" asked Pippin.
I shook my head sadly. "Most of it isn't even safe to drink."
Not that I'd ever drunk beer, of course. I'd just read many 'colorful' things about the quality of Ankh-Morpork's beer.
"Should we get lunch now?" I said, "According to that clock it's 12:17."
They all nodded sadly, and followed me out of the building.
We walked toward the post office. Before we got their, however, I saw a Agatean Take-Out place. The Discworld's Agatean empire and Earth's China had similar food.
"Let's go there," I said, pointing to the place.
Frodo looked at me with suspicion. "Is it safe to eat there?"
"Most things in the Pseudopolis Yard area are fine to eat. Luckily, that's where we are now. But make sure you never buy anything sold outside of a building," I explained.
I didn't want anybody to be 'poisoned' by the food CMOT Dibbler sells.
We entered the crowded place. It looked like takeout only.
I wasn't sure how much Agatean food differed from Chinese food, so I ordered the simplest looking stuff possible.
So, just fried rice.
We sat down outside the building, waiting for our food to be cooked.
"So... What are we doing here?" asked Pippin.
"No idea," replied Frodo mournfully.
"We're stuck in a strange city with a cheerful tour guide," said Sam.
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not a tour guide. I'm stranded from another part of the Multi-verse, too."
"How do you know about this city then?" asked Pippin.
"I've read books about the Discworld. And I've read about you guys, too."
Truthfully, I hadn't read The Lord of the Rings. I'd seen two out of three of the movies.
Soon, a person from inside the Agetean take-out place brought us our lunch. We ate in silence.
[12:34 PM]
[3:02]
The rest of the afternoon we spent in the Unseen University's library.
I read all I could about Project Roundworld. Unfortunate, most of it seemed to be written by the Bursar on a day he forgot to take his dried frog pills.
A few minutes past three, I closed the book I read and summoned Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry from the bookshelves they'd disappeared into.
"I think we should leave now," I told them.
Frodo nodded in agreement, and we left the library.
Once we got to the Pseudopolis Yard plaza, I noticed a plain black carriage parked nearby.
"It's him, isn't it?" Sam said, also looking at the carriage.
"What's wrong?" asked Pippin.
Frodo turned to the others, who clearly saw him as the leader. "We've got to get in that carriage. It belongs to the city's leader."
We followed him toward it.
Without even looking at us, the driver spoke. "Get in, please. I'm supposed to take you to the palace."
Somehow, we all fit in it. The fact that carriages don't have seat belts made things scary, though.
We spent the next few minutes in silence. I began to worry about what Lord Vetinari wanted with us.
The carriage stopped and we all climbed out. This time the Renaissance-style beauty of the Palace didn't fascinate me so much.
We entered the building.
Drumknott greeted us at the door. "Right this way, my friends. Lord Vetinari is very eager to see you."
Solemnly we made our way up the stairs. Merry and Pippin seemed very interested in the grand architectural style... Until we got to Vetinari's office.
When we entered the place, Sam actually tried to sneak away. He would of, if Vetinari weren't a trained assassin.
"Samwise Gamgee. You've nothing to fear. I doubt you've done anything to terrible in the last two days," said Lord Vetinari.
Sam reluctantly sat down at the table. "Yes sir."
Vetinari stared at us across his desk. "Well, well. Seems two more of you... Travelers have arrived in our city. I must say, I didn't expect any more multi dimensional vacationers until at least tea." He raised an eyebrow.
I shrunk back into my chair.
Vetinari continued. "I don't think five people can stay in an apartment meant for one. Though I think you'd prefer that to the prison. Be careful, though. I'm sure the League of Decency will be after Miss Jones any day now. Mr. Brandybuck and Mr. Took, you'll be getting the same allowance as the others. Fifteen Ankh-Morpork Dollars a week.
"I must also mention that Miss Sachrissa Cripslock of the Times plans to interview you sometime soon. Don't tell her anything you shouldn't. The entire city doesn't need to know that portals have been bringing people from far across the multiverse. Drumknott will give you a summary of what- and what not- to say."
The last bit sounded like a threat. Knowing Vetinari, it probably was. I wanted to ask about any assassins guild contracts, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
We left the oblong office in silence. Drumknott handed each of us a folder. Pippin and Merry also got a bag of coins.
In silence, the three of us sat down on the palace steps.
"That was... Frightening," said Merry.
I nodded absentmindedly. Lord Vetinari scared me horribly. How could Adora Dearheart stand up to him? I'll never know.
"Helen?" said Sam.
I looked up. "What?"
The others say nearby, trying to look like they weren't eavesdropping.
"You seem sad. Well, more worried. Worried and sad and scared. What's wrong?"
"I like the Discworld books very much. But I don't like being in them as much as I'd like. I'm used to sleeping in my own room, eating breakfast in my family's kitchen. My family isn't here and my house is very far away," I explained.
"Like the Shire," said Sam sadly.
"Sort of. Hobbits are more into researching family trees than books. I love books. But books by authors like Neil Gaiman and Charles Dickens don't exist here. A few days ago I was reading A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain. Mark Twain doesn't exist here," I explained.
Frodo gave me a confused look. "You've never survived battles with horrible monsters. You've never feared that your best friend might die tomorrow! Not being able to finish a book is nothing compared to the worry that a dangerous magical artifact you're wearing as a necklace could corrupt you... You don't understand!"
I hated to admit it, but he was right. "I'm sorry."
"Well, should we go to a pub now? I could use a drink," said Pippin in an attempt to cheer us up.
"I'll go, too," replied Merry.
Sam looked at Frodo. "I'll only go with them if you do."
Samwise seemed really gay by 21st Century Earth's standards, but I think things are different in Middle-earth.
"I think we should all go," said Frodo.
That meant me, too. As the Fellowship's leader, he knew how to be responsible. And how to order people around.
"So, where should we go?" said Merry, looking at me.
Without thinking I said: "The Mended Drum."
"Where's that?" asked Sam suspiciously.
"In the Shades. I shouldn't have mentioned it. The bar fights are usual quite deadly. According to what I've read, the beer tastes like battery acid and looks like... I probably shouldn't say."
"I'll take your word for that," said Pippin.
Sam rolled his eyes. "Not that place, then. You don't know of any other places to get a drink?"
"I don't pay attention to that kind of thing. Where I'm from, people don't drink until age 21. At school they tell us all the nasty things that happen to you if you drink," I explained.
"Maybe we should show Merry and Pippin the apartment," said Sam.
Frodo nodded. "We probably should."
So we walked down the street to the post office. The place closes at seven Mondays through Saturdays, so at 4:30 it's rather crowded.
"What do they mean by 'No Rain Nor Snow Nor Gloom of Night Shall Stop These Messengers'?" asked Merry, pointing to the post office door.
"Who's Mrs. Cake?" asked Pippin, pointing to nearby graffiti.
"I'll explain later," I said as we entered the post office.
The place was bustling with excitement. Counter girls were working very hard, either selling stamps or checking in letters.
The five of us quickly rushed across the room. We ducked behind the counters, and ran down that hallway to the back. We collapsed right outside Mr. Groat's room.
"That was fun," said Pippin.
The rest of were too out of breath to reply.
"Er, who are you?" said a voice from the stairs above us.
I looked up. "Your Mr. Moist Von Lipwig!"
He gave me an odd look. "I know who I am. Who are you?"
"I'm Frodo Baggins, that's Samwise Gamgee, that's Merry Brandybuck, and that's Pippin Took," explained Frodo.
"And I'm Helen Jones," I added.
Mr. Lipwig continued to look confused. "What are you doing at the bottom of my staircase?"
"We live upstairs," explained Sam.
"Oh! You're the lot who live in my old apartment. I could've sworn there were less of you," replied Mr. Lipwig unhappily.
"Well, Merry and Pippin only showed up this morning," explained Sam.
"I've got Vetinari to blame, haven't I?" Mr. Lipwig muttered, half to himself.
"I always liked you, even though you were a con man," I said without thinking.
He frowned at me. "You're that girl who kept appearing then disappearing. Adora mentioned you. She said you've read those books Mr. Pratchett wrote about us. I'd prefer if you didn't mention any of that."
And with that he walked into the front of the office.
"Let's go show Merry and Pippin the apartment," said Frodo.
He began to walk up the stairs, and the rest of us followed him. When we got there, I was annoyed to see that two more beds were set up on the floor. There wasn't much space to walk!
This wouldn't be fun.
Pippin, by virtue of being the youngest hobbit, would be sleeping underneath the desk. He didn't complain that much, though.
Pippin, Merry, and I searched through the desk. We didn't find anything interesting. Sam told us not to cause trouble.
Meanwhile, Frodo stood by the window. He was staring at the city street below when Sam suddenly ran over to him.
"That's strange," Sam whispered.
Everyone, including Frodo himself, stared at his right hand. He wore the One Ring, but he wasn't invisible.
"Are you alright?" asked Sam.
His friend nodded, his blue eyes full of worry. "I'm perfectly fine."
"So, that isn't the Ring forged by Sauron in Mordor?" I asked with surprise.
From behind me, a prim female voice answered. "Technically, it is. We are so far from Middle-earth that it doesn't matter. Here, it's just a pretty piece of metal."
Slowly, I turned around. There stood Susan Sto Helit, wearing an elegant black dress. On her shoulder sat Quoth (a talking raven).
"Who's she?" Pippin said a bit rudely.
"I'm Miss Susan Sto Helit. The Personification of Death adopted my mother when she was a child. When she grew up she married my father. I inherited some supernatural abilities from Grandaddy, including the ability to walk through walls," Susan explained coldly.
It sounded like a routine explanation, which it probably was.
"How did you know about Middle-earth?" Frodo asked her.
Susan almost smiled. "A combination of influential friends and some guessing."
"Influential friends?" said Sam with suspicion.
"I had people investigate. The Tooth Fairies, a couple of Bogeymen who owed me favors, Igor the Barman, and Grandaddy Death of course," she explained.
"And me," squawked the raven.
Even I jumped at that.
"Did that bird just talk?" Merry asked with amusement.
"Of course I did. My name is Quoth, thanks to wizard without a sense of humor," explained the raven.
"There aren't any talking birds in the Shire," said Pippin.
"He only talks because of excessive exposure to magic," said Susan.
[6:01 PM]
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