EPOV

There is silence in the air. The kind which is more important than any words could be. The kind where you find all the answers you seek. The kind which can shatter a lie.

The lie isn't that I cheated on Tanya.

The lie was being with her in the first place.

The deception was broken not when Tanya asked 'who is she, Edward?'

The deception was broken when I answered 'the love of my life.'

Silence isn't palpable in our motionlessness.

Silence chokes us when a single tear runs down Tanya's face.

"Tanya, I…" What? Where is my explanation? Where are all the words that were supposed to make this easy and painless?

I step closer to her and move my hand towards her face, but she leans back and wipes the tear herself. She looks down. She speaks to the counter marble.

"Since when?"

I hesitate, but what's the use of hiding anymore? "I've known her for a couple of years."

"Figures."

Silence.

"Were there…more?"

"No, she…she's the one. The only one."

"Oh."

Silence.

"Look, Tanya, I am sorry. I just…" I run a hand through my hair. "It just happened. I wish I could pinpoint and say 'that was when I fell for her' but that's not the case. It wasn't about the sex at first. Actually, it's never been just that because –"

"Because you care for her. You love her. I overheard you. I know."

"When?" I whisper.

She finally looks at me and gives me a sad smile. "A couple of days before your birthday. You thought I wasn't at home. And I had gone out, but I had forgotten the car keys and came back inside…and you were talking to her on the phone. You were laughing." She pauses. "You hardly ever laugh anymore, except when Sophie makes you. I'd forgotten that sound."

"Why didn't you tell me that you knew?"

"Took me a while to come to terms with the whole thing. To accept that I'll never be enough."

I am an asshole. "Please don't feel that way."

"You don't know what it's like, okay? Don't tell me to not feel what I feel. All my life I've tried, fucking tried so hard to live up to expectations. And always failed. I'm not even surprised that you found someone else to…be with."

This time she lets me caress her cheek. "Why would you say that?"

She puts a hand on top of mine, holding it to her face. "We were never meant to be, Edward. I think we both know that."

"No, I mean, why would you think you've failed?"

"Haven't I?"

I wish I had answers. She thinks for a long while. I wait silently, running my thumb across her cheek.

"When I was little, my parents insisted on a good education. They wanted me to be great at it. Perfect at it. I would excel in classes. I would win debates. I would win competitions. But it was never enough. There was always a bigger scholarship to be won, always a debate I couldn't win, always a reminder of that one subject I got a B grade in…always some mountain I couldn't climb. My Dad would go 'we have to be Ivy League good, kid. Remember that always.'" She shakes her head. "He'd say that every day. It's not like I could forget."

"But you did well, Tanya. You made it to Ivy League. You didn't fail."

"It still wasn't enough. Not for them. I wasn't sociable enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't the most popular. Mom would never let me go outside and just…be a kid. I was never a kid. I couldn't just jump in muddy puddles, because I had to be impeccable. I couldn't go out with that guy in my class who wore braces because he wasn't from a rich family. My prom date was the richest, most boring guy in town, who actually kissed someone else right in front of me. I couldn't socialize with the neighborhood kids, because they were 'tacky.'"

Her eyes have more tears. They slip down her face and on to my hand on her cheek. I move my other hand to her face as well, wiping them away. I wonder why she never told me all this before. We were close, at least back in college.

It's as if she reads my thoughts. "And then you happened. The first time you told me I was beautiful, I was sitting in my sweatpants and hadn't showered in two days because I was too busy cramming up for the exams." She smiles and so do I. "I remember that day so clearly. You barged into my apartment, accused me of stealing your notes and shouted obscenities at thin air when you couldn't find them among my books. And then you paused with my book midair, met my furious glance and blurted out 'You're really fucking beautiful, did I ever tell you that?'" She shakes her head, but there's a smile on her face.

"I'm still convinced you hid my notes somewhere," I say jokingly.

"Shut up. You know I didn't take them. Plus, you sort of confessed that it was an awful excuse to come and see me."

"I also asked you out that night."

"And I totally freaked out, because that sent my concentration for a toss."

I lean my forehead against hers.

"I was very glad you were in my life, Edward. I know I didn't say it enough. I didn't say it at all, actually. But I was."

"What happened to us?"

She bites her lip, as if forcing herself to not say it. But she does. "Sophie."

My heart shatters. "It's not her fault," I say fiercely. "Whatever became of us is not her fault. Don't bring her into this."

More tears. "It is. I never wanted a child. I never wanted to be a wife. I wasn't meant for that, Edward. I'm not…" She sniffles. "I'm not a good mom. I'm not even a mom. You're the Mom, you're the Dad, and that's okay. She'll never love me even a tenth of how much she loves you and that hurts but I can take it."

I open my mouth to argue, but she doesn't let me.

"When I put two and two together and figured out that you were seeing someone else, I thought about us obsessively. I thought and thought and thought till I couldn't take it. I watched you exchange pleasantries with everyone on your birthday party and I couldn't take it. I wanted to slap you and wipe that smile off your face. I wanted to scream at you and ask for my life. I wanted to find her and ask her if she was proud of ruining our family. But then I realized…what was the point? Our family was ruined long before she stepped into the picture. And all of it was... I couldn't do a thing right. I wanted to cry so much. I kept telling myself to hold it together till the party was over. Till then I drank. One drink became two…two became four…and then I was crying and you were there holding me, and I couldn't find the urge to hit you. I couldn't find it in me to shout at you. I just wanted to be held. I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to show you that I could be good enough. That I was trying."

There is something lodged in my throat that I can't swallow down.

"You kept saying 'No, Tanya, what's wrong with you?' and it just hurt. You didn't even want to make love to me. But then you did. I don't know what changed, but you let me kiss you. And then one thing led to another, and just…I'm sorry about that night. That's not how I wanted it to happen."

"Don't be sorry," I whisper. "I am."

She sniffles and takes my hands from her face and puts them on her waist instead. She leans her head on my heart, and I wrap her in a hug.

"When Sophie was a baby, my mom would tell me every single thing I was doing wrong. I wasn't supposed to have this life. She kept saying I was destined for bigger things. She was so disappointed that I was reduced to breastfeeding and changing diapers."

"That's bullshit." All of it.

She shrugs. "That's her. Then by the time she got used to the idea of having this kid call her Gran, she had new mistakes to find. Even my dad. I just…I never got it. I never felt that I was doing something right. I wasn't meant to be…this."

"But that's just the way life is. You can't always choose your path. Sometimes life chooses it for you."

"Not in my world."

"So that's it. You resent our kid."

Her voice shakes. "I don't want to."

I sigh. "She's just a kid. She's a life we made."

"She's the footprints that stomped on my dreams. She's all my mistakes packed into one."

I lean back and look at her with horrified eyes. "That's just a sick way of looking at it."

"I always knew my thinking was warped."

"How can you even…how can you not love her?"

"I do love her! I just hate that I do. I can't be a good mom. I can't be a mom, period. I can't braid her hair and have water fights with her in the rain. Even when I don't want to be, I am my mom. That's why I just step back and let you be the parent. You're great at it. You know when to hold her and when to…how to…just be a dad. I bet she doesn't even love me."

"You can't run away from something that was your choice."

"It wasn't. We didn't plan a kid. We took all precautions."

"But it happened anyway. Doesn't that tell you something?"

"It tells me that we are a dead end. It tells me that sometimes it's hard to breathe because all I'm doing with my life is packing lunches, doing laundry, and trying not to be my mom, but ending up like her anyway."

My arms are back to my sides. "You're so selfish."

Her eyes flash in anger. "You're not? I didn't go running away to someone else for intimacy. I'm not living two lives at once."

"Yet you blame a kid for something she didn't even do."

"At least I'm not lying about it."

Silence.

"So, what now? You're going to spend the rest of your life resenting her and me and everything?"

"No. I'm going to live. It's about damn time."

Silence. She takes a deep breath. My heart thunders in my ears. My breathing tries to smother my anger. My cracked lips won't move. My arms want to hold Bella and tell her to make this okay. My eyes dart to the door, my mind begging me to escape this bullshit. Tanya's eyes steel with resolve.

"Let me go, Edward."

––x––