Harry looked down at the students as the elves delivered the copy of the student newspaper. "I am looking forward to your answers this week." He told Severus.
Severus smirked. He wasn't sure how Harry would take this week's questions. He found the hidden letters that Dumbledore and Minerva had tried to hide from him. He also made sure the first one was one that everyone would enjoy.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I have an old coot with a sugar addiction, how can I cure him?
Tabby cat.
Dear Tabby Cat or better yet, come up with a better nickname.
Do you really have to ask?
Just hex his lemon drops or the old coot. We all want to do it. So stop wasting my time.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry had to put his hand over his mouth to cover his laughter. He knew he wasn't the only one.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I have this meddling, fashion embarrassment who insists he knows best as he drugs everyone with lemon drops. He can't mind his own business either. Always got his nose into everyone's business.
What is the safest way to off the man?
Not A Student.
Dear Not A Student or Lord Malfoy:
Stun him, and drop him in the veil. You have access to the Ministry and the Department of Mysteries. Do I need to give you a step by step? I didn't think you were that lacking the brain department.
Just make sure, you have your alibi secured beforehand. I will not provide one for you, neither will Harry.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Oh, Minerva, Severus made his own up this week. We will need to make sure to give him more letters." Dumbledore commented to McGonagall. Harry closed his eyes in embarrassment of the man's total ignorance.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Professor Trelawney keep predicting my death in divination, how can I prevent that from happening?
Fated to Die
Dear Die Already or Lavender Brown:
You know what you're supposed to do. Stop wasting Prof. Trelawney's time-and mine, for that matter-and do it already. I hope to hear of your demise before tea time.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS: I would state that anyone who believes Trelawney's prophecies should submit themselves to the Janus Thackery Unit. I will gladly provide the escort service, Mr. Longbottom knows the way. Five points from Gryffindor for believing in the woman in the first place.
"She does it to everyone, Lavender. Why are you taking it so seriously?" Dean Thomas asked as he peeked over his paper.
"Severus, next time leave Neville out of it." Harry quietly told Severus.
"But it's the truth." Severus replied. At Harry's face, he continued "fine. Take all my fun."
"You know I am not going to do that. I did like the response to Lucius." Harry could see Severus' grin as he used his hair to cover his face so no one else would see he was smiling.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I have this know-it-all so-called friend who needs to be taken down a peg or ten. How can I do this and cause the most damage possible? Her feelings are no object.
Signed Her-mi-nope
Dear Her-mi-nope, or I am not saying:
Tell the girl the truth. Books don't have all the answers. Her handwaving is driving everyone batty. The reason why Gryffindor house is so well rested is because of people falling asleep as she yaps on about some useless information only she thinks is important. The girl is a cure for insomniacs everywhere. Her bossy tone is what is driving every male away from her, except the moron she calls a boyfriend.
Ten points to Gryffindor, it's about time someone besides me admitted she is a nuisance.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry laughed as he read the response. "So you like my answer to your letter?" Severus asked.
"Yes, did. I knew you would have such good advice." Harry answered. He also knew everyone in Gryffindor would be following that advice.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I can't help being obsessed with the boy wonder. I know my father would never approve, but I just have to get his attention somehow. The things I have tried just don't seem to be working. What would you suggest that might get his attention?
Signed,
An extremely attractive blonde (clearly he should want me already)
Dear Soon To Be Extremely Unattractive Corpse or Draco Malfoy, what is it with the Malfoy men, are you stupid?
You will cease ogling MY boyfriend now or you will find out just how much you can suffer during a 'tragic accident' during your next potions lesson.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS: I mean it Draco. I know how to make you disappear, not trace left. Ten points from Slytherin for not having any self-preservation.
SS
"Draco, do you honestly have a death wish?" Theo asked his friend.
"I was only doing it as a joke. I didn't think he would take it seriously." Draco wasn't going to look at the Head Table. He knew Severus was just waiting for him to make eye contact. He didn't have that much of a death wish.
"Sure. Everyone knows how much you watch Potter. I'm surprised you haven't experienced an accident." Pansy retorted. "Though it would explain your lack of interest in me if you did."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I'm having issues getting a job. I applied everywhere I could and had others look at my application before I turn them in. I go to the interview dress correctly and do everything I should during the interview. So what am I doing wrong?
Sadly Jobless
Dear Sadly Jobless-You better stop bothering me, Marcus Flint:
Everything. You need to go and buy a brain, one that will actually retain information. You were in your seventh year for three years. That should tell you something.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS: Be grateful your uncle is even allowing you to sweep floors in his shop. It's more than anyone else would be willing to do.
"He is still writing you?" Harry asked. "I thought I put a ban on his letters?"
"He sent them with to his cousin to give to me. I informed that cousin of the errors of his way." Severus replied.
"Two weeks?" Harry asked.
"Yes, and twenty points. The cousin is in Ravenclaw."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I am having issues. I like this girl and I have been trying to get her to notice me, but nothing works. How do I get her attention?
Sincerely,
Helpless
Dear Helpless or Nevelle Longbottom:
"You have more than just girl issues. My general advice is to *finally* grow a backbone. You can't hide behind plants all your life.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS: Ms. Lovegood is interested.
Severus felt Harry squeeze his leg.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I have hopelessly in love with our dear Headmaster. His twinkling blue eyes make me swoon and weak inside. And his laugh just makes me shiver with pleasure. What's the best way to make him mine?
Sincerely,
Age-is-just-a-Number
Dear Ms. Granger:
A lifelong supply of lemon drops, gift wrapped in the gaudiest paper you can find. Fifty points for making me losing my daily intake of food as I read this letter, and another fifty for clearly showing you have no common sense.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry watched the counter hit zero, his face was pale. Severus handed him a stomach soother. "I meant to give that to you before you read that."
Harry drank the potion. "It explains a lot about her." Harry replied as he took some water to get rid of the taste in his mouth.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
What makes sex so great? All I hear from my classmates how great it is "to hit that piece of ass."
Signed Questioning in Ravenclaw
Dear fifth year Ravenclaws boys:
I will be speaking to you, individually. You know who you are. Saturday, all day, in the Infirmary. Fifty points from Ravenclaw.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Ten points from Ravenclaw." Filius' voice rang out. "House meeting after classes tonight."
"I don't think I have ever seen him upset." Harry commented.
"Neither have I. I already spoke to the one who wrote the letter. It was a first-year boy. He thought it meant a spanking. He believed he had sex already because of it."
Harry laughed. "The poor boy. It's the Smyth boy?" They both looked at the Ravenclaw table and Mr. Smyth was laughing at the fifth year boys, who were now getting an earful from the other members of the Ravenclaw house.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
A certain older wizard had offered me a great reward of my own personal choice if I would select his side.
He would even bond me directly to him. I only have to bring Dumbledores' head on a silver platter to him.
Should I do it? I can't use any potions, my obsession always checks his meals and drinks before digesting anything. I really want him.
Obsessed Fanboy
Dear Obsessed Fanboy, Pansy Parkinson:
You really didn't think you could fool me with the closing. First, Draco doesn't check anything, he is actually adding a personality potion to his food and drink. Second, you would never get near Dumbledore. Third, well the first two are enough.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS: Just drag him to Gringotts and marry the annoyance, he won't object.
"That is one way to get rid of them." Minerva commented to Severus.
"Yes, hopefully, the elf packing their trunks will take them there also."
Harry didn't even comment, he was too busy watching Pansy and Draco debate the advice.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I have wanted a pet of my very own for a long time. Every pet I've managed to get bothers everyone else. I can't even keep them, they run away. How can I find a pet that everyone will like as much as I do?
Lonely without fur.
Dear Lonely without fur, Ronald Weasley:
Your rat wasn't a pet, it was a human. That annoyance you call an owl is going to remain banned from Hogwarts. Get a fish, it has the same personality you do.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"A fish? You do realize I will be the one cleaning the tank and feeding it." Harry commented. "Why do you think I made sure Pig was banned from Hogwarts, I got tired of cleaning up the owl feathers in the dorm room."
"Oops." Severus stated. "Why don't the elves clean up Gryffindor. Nevermind, Granger." He remembered.
"Yes, and Ron is a slob." Harry remarked.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I have plans for world domination. But nobody is willing to listen to my plans. Crucio doesn't work longterm. Would liquid Imperio be a suitable alternative?
Powercrazy bookworm.
Dear Ms Granger:
Stop this plan at once. Only sick lunatics would consider world domination. As you got such an idle mind, we do not want you to get used to it.
Detention until the end of term with Filch.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"He would also kill her." Harry commented. He looked at Severus, leaned in closer so only he could hear him. "You did send a copy of this letter to him?"
"Of course. That is his answer, with my detention added." Severus replied.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I have been working for the same man for many years but he doesn't notice me. We're surrounded by these kids all day who have magic but I do t have any. I keep everything working and I even offer to torture these students for him but he refuses. What can I do for him to notice me? And does he like cats?
Hopeless in Hogwarts
Dear Hopeless in Hogwarts:
Get the ugliest colored material made into clothing. Give him a never ending supply of lemon drops, and be prepared to listen to him endless drone about lemon drops and candy. Present yourself to him in this form, and he won't reject you. Have Mrs. Norris bring him a lot of presents, so you can be there to clean them up for him.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"I didn't need to read that." Was heard about the Great Hall.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
How do you always have a sarcastic comment ready?
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
It's called a brain, use it.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I´ve been dating this - to me - incredibly handsome, older man for quite some time. My friends still have problems accepting our relationship. I am even an assistant professor. One of them has a little sister that just won´t accept that I´m *not* interested in her. She won't leave me alone, and neither will he. What can I do?
Love You.
Dear Love You.
Ask me already.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry put down the paper, grabbed Severus' hand and pulled him out of the Great Hall.