"My Lord, it's here." Rookwood stated as he entered the main dining hall of Slytherin Castle.
The Dark Lord looked at Harry, who was grinning, and Severus, who seemed to be trying not to laugh. He wondered what they had in this week's edition of the advice column. He took the paper and noticed everyone soon had one and were looking for the column.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
What ingredient is the most likely to get me noticed positively by the dark, handsome potions master I see around the castle? For that matter do you have any advice on snagging both him and the green-eyed hunk he is apparently seeing? I have no problem marrying them both.
Sincerely,
Lovestruck
Dear Lovestruck or Keep Your Paws to Yourself Fenrir.
Back off Mutt. We're taken. Even think of going near him, I will lace everything you eat, drink, or wear with silver.
Professor Snape (Hazel) (Yes, I am doing it again this week. It's my present. I said yes.)
Note from editor:
Assistant Professor Potter added: - Stay away from Severus, he might do it anyway. I had to hide all the Silver Nuggets.
The Dark Lord looked down the table at Fenrir. "They will do it."
"I know, Harry dusted my bedsheets last night as a warning, after I touched Severus' arm." Fenrir answered as he gave a weary look towards Harry.
The Dark Lord looked at Harry, who just gave him a slight shrug as if to say, had to teach him a lesson.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
I have this clumsy friend that is obsessed with plants. He is being pressured by his Grandmother to become an Auror. How do I help him do what he really wants?
Sincerely,
Blond Chaser
Dear Ms. Lovegood:
Just marry Mr. Longbottom, put all of us out of our misery. You know what to do. Once you are married, have him claim his lordship and you can deal with her.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS- Don't even think of using my potion ingredients, get your own.
"Oh, I wonder if she will take your advice?" Narcissa grinned. She hated Lady Longbottom with a passion.
"We can only hope." Lucius answered.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
A pair of Demon twins asked for my help in setting up a trap in the castle. Where would you recommend I set it up?
Sincerely,
Terrified Accomplice
Dear Terrified Accomplice or Lee Jordan:
Don´t even THINK of pranking anywhere near my dungeon or there will be HELL to pay. Now that being said, please free to prank your fellow Gryffindors, I won't even take points if you do. Feel free to prank your fellow students in the following locations:
First floor:
Behind the group of armor, there is a small room that students like to use for more than a snog. They won't notice a thing. There is also a closed closet that is never locked and also used for snogging.
Second Floor:
A certain staff area is never watched between the hours of 6 AM to 8 AM, ignore the lingering smell of a certain herb.
Seventh floor:
The area near the ROR is never watched and a lot of staff students like to meet there.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Editor note: Map is on page 5.
Harry lowered the paper, looked at Severus. "You should have mentioned behind the gargoyle."
"That is our spot to set up the pranks." Severus answered. "Did you see him all dressed in black with the corset on?"
"I did. I got pictures." Harry laughed. "Was it Minerva's corset you used?"
"Yes, she thinks he went through her wardrobe. She was chasing him around in her cat form." Severus answered. "I got the blackmail material."
Everyone started laughing.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
We wish to surprise a certain elderly gentleman and dye his beard to match his colorful robes. Do normal hair dyes work on facial hair too? What would be the best method?
Signed,
Pranksters for Life
Dear Terror Twins:
There are numerous ways to do this. You can coat his lemon drops, charm his chair, quills, and clothes. Use a good reliable house elf to wash his clothes in the potion. You might want to add an animation charm as well. There are just so much you can do, I will tell you what, come and seek me out during my office hours for help to make it really colorful experience for him.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry glanced over to Severus, he was ignoring a snickering Dark Lord to his left. "This isn't going to be seen by Dumbledore?"
"No, I arranged to have certain parts of letters changed to be viewed as things like my cat is getting hairballs, or my dog keeps chasing Mrs. Norris."
"You are going to have to teach me that spell."
"I will, but only if you promise to let me help with the letters." Severus gave him an innocent look.
"You know I was going to anyways."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
I've been in love with this boy for many years. I thought he loved me back but suddenly he's dating someone whom he originally hated and for good reason. How do I make him understand he's wrong for him?
Concerned friend
Dear Concerned Friend or You will die horribly, Miss Weasley:
Miss Weasley, you are in no way a concerned friend. You are, however, an obsessive attention seeking little spoiled little whiner. You need to seek the advice of a mind healer and stop chasing after what was never yours. I mean it, Miss Weasley, go near him again and they will be picking up your pieces from all over the globe.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"She is never going to leave him alone." Bella said to Narcissa.
"I believe we can help in that area, sister." Narcissa grinned.
"I am worried." Harry whispered.
"Why?" Severus asked.
"Bella and Narcissa are talking about taking care of Ginny."
"Bella, Cissy, let me know if you need any help." Severus told them, which both women nodded their agreement and Harry knew the three of them would need to be watched.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
I bred a flobber worm with a niffler and got a litter of overgrown caterpillars who keep stealin me under-britches. My bits are chafin' sumthin' FIERCE! What's a under-britches-less wizard to do? Help me.
Signed,
Animal Luvin Man
Dear Hagrid:
See Poppy for the problem concerning the chafing. In the future do not attempt to breed anything. EVER. I mean it, Hagrid. No more dragons, no more three-headed dogs, no more griffins, no more anything bigger than a muggle house cat.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS: ALBUS THIS IS WHY WE NEED A REAL MAGICAL CREATURE PROFESSOR.
"He is still a professor?" The Dark Lord asked. "He is a third-year dropout, how is that even possible?"
"It's Dumbledore." Harry replied. That clearly explained everything as no one added anything.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
What are your thoughts about including muggle technology into Hogwarts? I know we have to keep the worlds separate for our safety. I think it would be a great idea to keep up on what is going on in that world just to make sure we don't get caught.
Singed,
Contemplating an Apple
PS: Is it true that your boyfriend's archenemy destroyed your laptop? How did you get it to work on campus?
Dear Contemplating an Apple
Have you been sleeping for the last three months? The entire third floor has been wired for muggle technology. We even announced at the Welcoming Feast. Five points from Gryffindor for being permanently asleep.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS-Archenemy, do you think life is a comic book? No don't answer that, from your question alone I should have realized the answer.
"Dean?" Harry asked.
"No, Mr. Finnegan."
"You sure? He is usual to drunk to even read a comic book."
"It was his writing, but Mr. Thomas could have dared him." Severus answered.
"That makes more sense."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
There are rumors, that you're a vampire. Does that mean you're sparkle in the sunlight, too?
Singed,
Sunny Sunshine
Dear Sunny Sunshine or Oh, Great Clueless One, Hannah Abbott:
Once and for all for you, and all of the other clueless Hufflepuffs. I'm not a Vampire. And Vampires do not sparkle. 50 Points from Hufflepuff.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS-Stop reading that stupid drivel. If I see anyone wearing a Team Edward or Team Jacob piece of clothing I will give you a month of detention.
Editors note: Assistant Professor Potter added that he suggest you read real vampire novels.
"That rumor again?" Lucius asked.
"Yes, and the worse part is Harry keeps flying around in his bat form when I am out patrolling the halls." Severus glared at Harry.
"You follow me too." Harry said.
"No one sees me." Severus replied.
"It's not my fault your a scorpion." Harry replied. "Besides, you know you like-"
Severus covered his mouth as everyone started to snicker.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
I want to get more pictures of my hero but he hasn't been doing anything lately. Now he has this older boyfriend. How would you suggest I get pictures of them together? Any neat places to hide?
Signed,
Shutterbug
Dear Shutterbug or Either of the Creevey Brothers:
Try it and die. There won't be anything left for them to bury you unless they want to bury potion phials.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"You could do what I have been doing." Harry stated.
"Something painful?" Bella asked.
"No, I have been exposing their film, so all of their pictures come out black." Harry answered. "Takes care of them not being able to show their muggles relatives."
"No spell?" Severus asked.
"It is a spell, it was one I got from Filius. I can show you later."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
I used to drink sherry but it doesn't do it for me anymore. Is there a type if alcohol you suggest? I need something to help sharpen my inner third eye or whatever.
Signed,
Unseen Seer
PS I foresee your death. It's unavoidable.
Dear Unseen Seer or Hack:
May I suggest you use a large, freshly sharpened quill (Deleted by the Editors for being too graphic).
The Dark Lord started laughing. Harry was giggling, he couldn't help it. The rest of the Death Eaters present were trying to figure out what Severus could have written that the editors wouldn't print it.
"That hack needs to be fired." Severus muttered.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
My wife is completely obsessed with our Lord. She tried everything to get into his pants. How can I stop her?
Signed,
Horned Husband
Dear Horned Husband:
Merlin, are you really so daft Lestrange? Sedate her, and use a chastity belt on her. Commit her to Janus Thackery Ward, she can be the new best friend of that blond ponce, Lockhart. One and for all, I'm not your marriage counselor. You also know he isn't interested in her. I lost my breakfast, thanks.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
When there wasn't a reaction from Bella, the Dark Lord leaned a bit forward and asked, "charmed?"
"Yes, which is why Rod, Bast, and Barty mentioned an afternoon trip." Severus answered.
"Good."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
I do love my boyfriend, his red hair and freckles, yum. But he doesn't like to study at all. How can I inspire him to do more for school?
Signed,
Lovestruck Teenager
Dear Miss Granger:
STOP it now. Carrot and stick - rings a bell. You have to only find a way to motivate him, simple for Weasel, I mean Wesley, really any Weasley. Food and Sex. For the latter option, don't forget: Slot A has to go in Slot B. Grow up, girl.
50 Points from Gryffindor for not being able to use common sense.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS I would give you a detention for all of the annoying questions but have found it's been a great way to relief stress by taking points from Gryffindor because of your useless questions.
"Charmed that last part?"
"Yes. Only those who know the truth will see it."
Harry grinned. "She has another letter already submitted doesn't she?"
"I have four from her before the end of the first day."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Is it true? Can you get pregnant from kissing? There is this boy-wonder I like, but he never even tried to kiss me. Is a kiss enough to carry his babies?
Sheltered Daughter
Dear Sheltered Daughter or Who do you think you are fooling, Miss Weasley?
Did you have a lobotomy some years ago? Perhaps there is another medicinal reason, why your brain isn't working correctly? First, I will address the sheer idiocy that is asked. KISSING is not responsible for becoming pregnant. Second, if that statement was even slightly true, then Hogwarts would be flooded in hapless offspring of students. Pregnant students would be rampant. If you have ANY questions, ASK Madame Pomfrey for the talk, or even better ask Mrs. Molly Weasley, the living embodiment of motherhood.
Now to address you. We all know you have done more than kissing a boy. I caught you buck naked with a certain drunk from Gryffindor house. If you don't know how a baby is created then you shouldn't be working so hard to create one. Now stop wasting my time with such idiotic questions.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"I thought you caught her with Justin from Hufflepuff?" Harry asked.
"I did but she only had her skirt lifted. I figured her with Mr. Finnegan was a better image."
Harry nodded his agreement.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Why do you have a Dante quote over the entrance to your classroom?
Classical Booklover
Dear Classical Booklover or Yes, she is asking another pointless question:
Miss Granger, are you capable of using your brain? Have you given up on expanding your limited use of a personality? Has the new relationship with Mr. Weasley led to a higher mortality rate of your brain cells? It would explain a great deal if that is so. Even you should be able to understand it, welcome to a hellish afterlife.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS Ten points for making me read your drivel.
"I think she likes being insulted by Severus." Lucius commented to Rookwood.
"I agree. You know she has been putting in applications to the Ministry and honestly expects to start up in a high-level position. She actually applied for a supervisory position in Creature Registration Department."
"She has already been denied all of the positions she has applied for. I didn't even have to mention it to anyone, her attitude was the reason." Lucius informed everyone.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Which love potion would be the best to get and keep someone in love with you for the long term?
Signed,
Lady in Waiting
Dear Lady in Waiting or Cho Chang
Leave Oliver Wood alone. He isn't interested in you, you Quidditch love fanatic. Stay away from my potion labs too. If I find any missing ingredients, I am coming straight for you.
Ten points from Ravenclaw for stalking a former student.
Professor Snape
PS Not to mention his boyfriend Viktor Klum would do to you.
"I thought that was Weaslette when I first read the letter." Harry stated, and several agreed with him.
"No, it was Ms. Chang, she has a very interesting way of writing." Severus answered.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Whats the best way to avoid traps by manipulative old goats? I don't want to take over the world but Wizarding Britain will do nicely, bar I can avoid the fashion prison escapee.
Signed,
Flight from Mortis
Dear My Lord:
There is no need to worry about traps from old goats, as the old goat has been having problems with his lemon drops. We have also submitted his name to a few fashion makeover muggle tv shows. He is going to be spending the summer in the muggle world. We have submitted the expense report on that. You will find it in your stack of paperwork.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Yes, I signed off on it. Are you sure those shows will keep him busy?" The Dark Lord asked.
"Yes, we already arranged for a world trip, all expenses paid by the Society for Prevention of Fashion Mistakes. They agreed as they wanted to educate the older generation." Harry answered.
"The muggles have a society for that?" Narcissa asked.
"No, we created one, raised money for it by selling some our more creative baked good." Severus answered.
"What he means is, we went to a few different concerts, set up booths outside of different venues and when the muggles left the concerts, most were stoned so they cleaned us out on the baked goods. We made a killing." Harry answered. "So we hired ten muggles to keep doing it all year."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
I was forced into a marriage contract to a crazy bitch who is just plain scary and is in love with another man, who is just as scary. Honestly, he is more than welcome to her, but how the hell to I get myself out of being married to her?
Signed,
Scared
Dear ScaredRatboy:
For Merlin's sake Peter, just stay in your human form, instead of being a rat, and she might have time to actually serve you with the divorce papers. I know Yaxley has been trying for months to catch you.
Professor Snape
PS Yaxley, talk to our Lord, maybe Nagini has an idea on how to catch the rat.
"I believe she ate him last night." The Dark Lord commented. "Gave her an upset stomach too."
"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy." Harry muttered.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
How can I hurt this crackpot who doesn't have any sense of fashion? He always lied about me. He doesn't scare me, but I want to show him, that I'm more powerful than he will ever be.
Signed,
Misunderstood Orphan
Dear Misunderstood Orphan:
Trust me you are hurting the crackpot.
Professor Snape
"Why thank you, Severus." The Dark Lord smiled.
"You know I wrote that?" Harry asked.
"Yes, I am aware. I gave my answer based on that."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Does Paperwork breed?
Singed,
Lazy Lemon Drop
Dear Lazy Lemon Drop:
How would you even know? Minerva and I are the ones who do it. All you do is read the student stupid questions and try to hide them from me.
Professor Snape
Harry snickered.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Why does nobody fear me?
Signed,
Clueless Sidekick
Dear Clueless Sidekick or Useless Sidekick:
Pettigrew, that is an easy question. Even a teething toddler is a scarier opponent that you will ever be. Your own shadow is scarier than you, you run from it enough. You're only a part of his group because we know laughing is good for our health. You're the perfect target for new ideas, spells, pranks, and completing those mindless everyday tasks that need to be done.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"I will need to find someone else to do that stuff for me."
"May I suggest Draco, my Lord. He is eager to serve you." Lucius stated.
Harry leaned close to the Dark Lord. "It is really all Draco is good for."
"I agree." The Dark Lord responded. "Yes, send Draco to me as soon as he is finished with Hogwarts until then he can attend to me during the weekend and holidays."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Why does everyone hates my rock cakes?
Signed,
Confused Cook
Dear Hagrid:
Nobody hates your rock cakes. They are really useful. They make perfect tools to defend against noisy opponents. I have used them to ground potion ingredients, fill in the holes in the dungeons after a potion explosion, filled in the gaps in the floors. You, however, have to keep in mind, not everyone has your genes and strong teeth. Might I suggest a cooking course? I am sure we all could benefit from that.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"He gave me more before we left on holiday." Harry told him.
"I am aware, they are being used as target practice down in the dueling room."
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Why aren't we allowed to go to Greenhouse 5?
Signed,
Devoted Herbology Students
Dear Devoted Plant Lovers:
STAY AWAY FROM GREENHOUSE 5. If we find any student near there, all the staff have agreed it will be a suspension, plus a three-month detention. Don't even think of setting a toe in the greenhouse.
Professor Snape
"You know it's going to make them go there."
"Yes, and we already moved the plants to the new greenhouse. One no one will be able to see it as it is going to be under a Fidelius Charm." Severus answered.
"I didn't think the staff took their pot smoking that seriously." Rookwood stated.
"You deal with over 400 screaming brats and see what you do to relax, besides drinking." Severus answered.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Why do we have a ghost as a professor?
Signed,
Hapless Students
Dear Hapless Students or Ravenclaw House:
You have a ghost for a professor because the old goat (read Dumbledore for those aren't affected by the charm) is too lazy to actually find a decent professor. Haven't the numerous professors in the DADA position shown you that. Five points for each year from Ravenclaw for such an insipid question.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
How can I impress my boss? I'm better than the crazy bint who tries to get into his pants. I'm better looking and a man. Shouldn't it be enough to get his attention?
Signed,
Legally Blonde
Dear Blondie or either of the Malfoy men:
Get over it, he isn't interested.
Professor Snape
"I didn't write that." Lucius looked pleadingly at his wife.
Narcissa grinned. "It's fine darling." Lucius looked scared now.
The Dark Lord watched them for a few seconds and whispered to Severus, "do I need to start warding my bedroom doors again?"
"I believe it would be a good idea."
"It would. Cissy and Alex are moving forward on their relationship." Harry explained.
The most feared Dark Lord looked horrified that Lucius might be free to try and pursue him. He was finally getting rid of one stalker from that family.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
My friend's little sister keeps coming to me for hexes and I continue to tell her no should I be worried that she brought a voodoo doll of my potions teacher?
Signed,
Forever Afraid
PS Please don't owl my mom
Dear Forever Afraid or Mr. Weasley:
Don't worry, I have already taken care of your sister. Those voodoo dolls are already handled.
Professor Snape
"What did you do to them?" Harry wondered when Ginny Weasley would learn.
"Each one she goes to use will make her more and more like her mother." Severus grinned. He had added a weight gaining curse to each voodoo doll. He also added an acne curse, a fertility curse with the compulsion to shag the closest looking red-hair person who wasn't a Weasley.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
My husband, a modest Ministry man (I ignore the Muggle fixation) and I have a gaggle of wizards (and a witch) who attract madness and mayhem wherever they go. My eldest is holed up with a harpy who sprouts wings when she's angry and causes all the younger, well, let's call them Weasel, men to mindlessly drool in her presence when they are not blindly following in her wake. I warned and warned him about her, but he doesn't listen to me.
My second born is in Romania, cavorting with dragons (there is those damned wings again) and refusing to settle down. He comes home dressed like a vagabond. He has a tattoo, I just know he does. I won't even mention all the tramps who have tried to use my poor boy.
My third born is a Ministry boot-licker who gets off on licking boots laced with venom. I wanted so much more for him. Honestly, he just doesn't see his problems. He needs to get away from certain people in the Ministry and come back to his family, where he belongs.
My fourth and fifth born are a matched set, who only consider it a good day if there has been at least three explosions. It's amazing they've lived this long. They actually opened their own ludicrous business. They are wasting away their talent. They won't even try to get their NEWTs.
My sixth born is dating a brainiac with bushy hair who I am CONVINCED is studying to become the first Dark Lady. Weasels are supposed to be smart, but when he's around her, he's as dumb as a tree stump. I am pretty sure there is boot licking here, too. He lets her boss him around. I have no idea why.
And my daughter, she's Bat Chit Crazy scary. She is pining after a walking disaster magnet with a lightning bolt on his forehead. This walking disaster is dating a Potions GENIUS. Not just a Potion Master but a freaking genius. He can and would use an untraceable poison to get rid of her AND manage to get an Order of Merlin for doing so. I mean, I wouldn't miss her Bat-Bogey Hex, neither would anyone else, but I AM her Mother.
So, what should my Husband and I do? We Wizarding folks live a really long time, should we just start on a new litter of Weasels? We want our children to be and want nothing more than low to middle-level Ministry positions. Should we just let the first set fend for themselves?
Should we breed Kneazel hybrids and wash our hands of our brood? At least with Kneazels, you know going into it that they won't listen to you, no cat ever does. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Mia Farrow and Angelina Jolie Ain't Got Nuthin' On Me
Dear Mrs. Weasley:
Leave your oldest five alone. They are actually worth something productive with their lives. You should be happy they aren't like your last two. Your youngest son is a first class idiot and that is giving idiots a bad name. He needs the self-proclaimed brain to tell him what to do, or he would just sit and eat all day. Your daughter will learn her lesson and leave my Harry along.
Professor Snape
WARN: DO NOT BRED anymore. The Magical world couldn't take any more Weasley that are like your last two.
Harry blinked a few times, no one spoke. Harry decided to ignore Mrs. Weasley's letter.
Dear Hazel (Professor Snape):
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? If the other Ravenclaws know, they're not telling, and Hagrid is clueless. And why must I be wearing a bikini bottom to find him? Please help me, I must find this elusive creature before the next edition of The Quibbler.
Sincerely,
Crumple-Horned Snorkacks are REAL
PS Read all about them in this month's Quibbler
Dear Miss Lovegood
You are insane. Spongebob Squarepants is an American Muggle cartoon about an equally insane kitchen sponge, not a nature documentary. Even Hagrid knows that, which is why he, and the entire faculty, now owe me twenty galleons a piece. Getting basic cable for the student common rooms, best idea I ever had.
Miss Lovegood, I hope your last name describes a talent you possess because you'll never make a living off your academic prowess. Neither will you, Miss Granger. You have nothing to do with this, but I felt the need to tell you that. Again. Dump the Weasel, develop some original ideas, and maybe you will escape this destiny. Why I even bother, I know you won't listen to me.
Professor Snape (a/n I have no idea who Spongebob is, I don't have cable)
Harry looked at Severus. "These weren't made up?"
"Sadly, no."