Harry and Severus were back at Hogwarts, returning from their winter holiday and ready for the new term. Harry and Severus exchanged looks as the owls dropped off the newspapers.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Today my friends attempted to teach me about a muggle drug. Marijuana? I really don't know but how many points will I lose if I smoke it? I've lost enough as is and don't want my parents to get a letter either.
Signed,
Forever clueless
Dear Forever Clueless:
Buy a clue or two. You idiot. You will be expelled if I catch you or anyone with marijuana, or any other drug. You also don't go around telling the staff you are interested in drugs. 10 points from Hufflepuff.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Warning: Just because you have puff in your house name, doesn't mean you are required to puff.
Harry arched an eyebrow at Severus. "Don't worry, Minerva caught him and gave it to me for baking some brownies." Harry grinned.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I've tried everything I can think of but there's a classmate that keeps making our house look bad. I'm not going to name names but it's their fault we are now in the negatives. How can I prevent us from being in last place?
Signed,
A Frustrated Lion
Dear Gryffindor House:
Take her quill away from her, hide her parchment, ward her away from the Owlery. Ms. Pince has the required books reserved under your name. Every time she starts frantically waving her hand, charm it invisible. Professor Flitwick is willing to teach the charm. If you are successful and use it in my class I will give points.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"You know I know the spell." Harry stated.
"Yes, and I expect you to use it today during potions, I will not give any other lion points." Severus informed his boyfriend.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I think my familiar thinks she's my mother. She's always nagging me when I'm working about not getting enough food and sleep. I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself. How can I make her stop?
Signed,
Not-a-Child
Dear Not-a-Child:
You clearly must need the help or she wouldn't be acting like that. No one's familiar is going to want to be near an idiot and she is preventing you from being one. Be grateful she even cares about you, you lazy brat. I have been stuck reading your sloppy assignments. I know the only reason you don't sleep in my class is because you know I will use you for potion ingredients. 5 points for well, you know the reason.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry looked down at the Gryffindor table and eyed Ron Weasley. The boy was getting lazier and lazier. He knew that Granger was doing most of his work for him and Pig needed something to keep her from Weaslette. "How bad?"
"If he doesn't smarten up, he will be here next year."
Harry's eyes went big. "I will get Granger to ride him. I don't to have my first year teaching with him in my classes."
"Don't blame you, if I could get away with removing him from potions without the old goat bothering me I would."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I saw a copy of your article in the paper my daughter brought home over the holiday. (Really I thought she wasn't supposed to leave those items around the house in... what is it that you call us again... yes the muggle world.). I thought it would be best to write to you because God knows my "sophomoric" and "misinformed" (her words, not mine) understanding is preventing me from understanding the great importance of her future plans. The girl truly believes that she is better than everyone in my world and yours; and my husband and my daughter's headmaster encourage these delusions. Is there a way you can get through to my daughter? I never wanted her to be like this, but ever since I divorced her father for cheating on me with his dental colleague three years before my daughter entered into your world she became spoiled and pretentious. Please help.
Sincerely,
Too mundane to be a mother
Dear Mrs. Granger or the former Mrs. Granger:
Sadly, it's too late, she is going to need to learn for herself. I would suggest trying to get your husband to stop allowing her to live here for free. The girl doesn't have a job, any type of responsibility and with her attitude, she won't last in any job she manages to get. Though with her aiming for jobs that are well above her level, she will be freeloading off of your ex-husband for the rest of her life, with her moronic boyfriend tagging along for the ride. My best advice is to remove her from here.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
They heard Granger frustrated growl, Harry and Severus watched her slam the paper down, causing the plates and goblets to shake. She stood up, glared at Severus, before grabbing her bag and leaving. "You know she is going to be writing a lot of letters to us." Harry warned.
"No, I banned her letters."
"Good." Harry replied.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Do you know if we can implement a sex education class or seminar or something? I'm sick of all the girls in my dorm and in my year moaning and groaning about being late after they have had unprotected sex. Plus some of them listen to that wild haired girl when she tells them that a "simple charm" will protect them from getting pregnant. First off there isn't anything simple about that charm and I read up on it; it doesn't prevent against any STDs.
Sincerely,
Seeking Sanity
Dear Normal Girl:
We have been trying, but a certain old man believes that everyone is pure, light, and that love is the answer. (I think I am going to be sick.) Why else do you think he is encouraging that "wild haired girl" to spread that charm? Her boyfriend's sister to try and snag my boyfriend. Seek out Madam Pomfrey she will teach you a charm to scare them straight.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Is Poppy going to make the girls think they are pregnant?" Harry asked.
"Yes, but with triplets. She figures that they might be fine with one, but three or more will scare them to death. Also, she was wondering if you could get Molly Weasley to talk about raising her seven children, provide her with the memory."
"That would certainly scare anyone." Harry answered.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I saw your article in my younger half-brother's trunk when he came home from Hogwarts for his break. I am deeply worried for my little brother because he was bullied by multiple people at Hogwarts throughout his time there. I had little ability to interfere as his mother never allowed me to visit and our father was abusive. As you might have guessed, I am non-magical, but I deeply love my brother. As an adult, I've tried my best to combat the self-doubt my brother has, but I know I'm fighting a losing battle when his headmaster insists on him returning to our abusive father and his negligent mother. Is there a way I can get him into counseling? Or help him get support in your world?
Sincerely,
Helpless but determined
PS- I thank you ahead of time for your help. I know you will give me the facts being as blunt and concise as you are.
Dear Helpless but Determined:
You should be receiving a visitor soon. Don't worry, he won't harm you. He will be bringing you some paperwork, you just need to sign it. He is going to want to see your memories, he will explain it. Your brother will be under your guardianship by the end of the month.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS He might bring two others with him as witnesses, but they won't harm you.
Harry frowned, he looked at Severus. "The Dark Lord wants to handle it personally. It's a second year Ravenclaw, someone that supports Dumbledore."
Harry looked at the Ravenclaw table and knew who Severus meant. They had been concerned about the smaller boy. "Who is he going to bring with him?
"Rookwood and Narcissa. He wants Narcissa to check the brother from abuse too."
"So I can prank the old man?" Harry asked. "I am sure the twins will love to help."
"Yes, I also have a few things you might want to use."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Is there a mile high club in the Wizarding world?
Sincerely,
Looking for a new high
Dear Idiot:
A mile high club in the Wizarding World? Why do you think magic carpets were banned, and brooms don't come built for that type of action. Ten points from Gryffindor for being idiots. I know it was you Thomas, Finnigan, and Weasley who wrote this letter.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Dean exchanged looks with his dormmates. "I knew we should have used that concealment charm."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I am a renown seer, with great skill in the accuracy of my predictions. Yet, no one takes me seriously! How can I get these idiots to realize my greatness?
Signed,
Sees all and knows all
Dear Ms. Lovegood:
There are people who do. The best seers are always underestimated.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Thank you, Severus."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I really think children should be seen and not heard and thought discipline in the strictest sense. I really prefer cats to those little beasts. I have been given permission to use a special quill during detention to help sink such lesson deeply into their flesh. It works so far, except for one defiant little miscreant. What method of discipline would you suggest be used keep him and others like him in line with the values the Ministry and our Great Minister wish to instill in our youths today?
Signed,
Humble Servant
Dear Humble Servant or The Totally Nuts Dolores Umbridge:
Expect company of the most unwelcomed kind. That defiant little miscreant, as you call him, is mine. Leave him alone."
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Isn't she still in the Infirmary from the last potion you gave her?" Harry asked.
"Yes, and she is going to remain there until we can get her gone. I am not sure how or why Dumbledore has allowed her to return."
Dear Harry Potters Hazel:
Bad fuzzy keeps leaving clothes and hatsies around cat house. She being mean. Hows we gets her to stop? She beings trying to kills us!
This being Dobby!
Dear Dobby:
We have tried and tried. The girl just doesn't want to listen. Now in order to aid us, how about you don't do any of her laundry, changing of her sheets, even delivering her food. Instead, allow her the opportunity to learn what you do. Also, don't worry about those items, let the cats use them to sleep on, give them to Mrs. Norris, Minerva, and the other cats. There is a whole office full of cat plates that need warm cozy comfortable things for cats.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry grinned. "Dobby is going to fill her office."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Boys avoid me because I'm a big girl. I'm not fat, just big boned. But I like girly things like flowers and moonlight walks, but boys don't see me that way. How can I get the boys in this school to see the real me ( or I'll twist their heads off)?
Sincerely,
The Bull
Dear Bull:
First, you don't need to change. Second, there are a few people who are interested in you, in your own house. Third, see Ms. Greengrass for help in identifying them, she will keep your secrets. Ten points to Slytherin for a relevant question.
"I think Greg would be better for her." Harry muttered.
"Greg is working with Daphne." Severus replied.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
My snake has started stalking the only other person who can understand her. When I asked why she said something about making sure the hatchling finds a proper mate. She also said something about finding me a mate. Help?
Sincerely,
Cornered Serpent Tamer
Dear Cornered Serpent Tamer:
He has a mate, she is trying to find him a snake familiar. However, regarding you, well, let's say Harry and her have been combing through the list of potentials. It doesn't look good for you. They are very determined, so I would suggest you find someone fast.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
PS: Don't worry it's not a Malfoy or Bella.
"Actually I was thinking Poppy or Minerva." Harry sighed.
"I already have a date with him." Minerva smirked. "I cornered him last night, while he was sneaking away from the meeting with the Board of Governors."
"He said yes?" Severus was surprised.
"Of course, he was in my year, and we dated a few times during our sixth year." Minerva sipped her tea. "He is the reason Albus is in a lousy mood. He got a few more classes returned."
"Good." Harry replied.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Our mum is trying to control our lives. How can we get her to leave us alone without breaking her heart or facing her howling wrath?
Sincerely,
5 Frustrated Redheads
Dear Useless Endeavors:
While I do applaud your actions in trying to break away, I am regretful in that I must tell you that she will never allow you to break away. No matter where you are. She is like the black cloud of death, always hanging around.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"That is adapt." Filius stated.
"Harry's metaphor."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I am powerful and attempting to fix the damage done to our world by a severely fashion challenged old goat. The problem is that I have some how gained fans. They won't leave me alone! I want a spouse and children but I can't get past the fans to find someone who will match me and help prevent my sanity from slipping (again). Any ideas? I'm fresh out.
Sincerely,
Darkest Confusion
Dear Darkest Confusion:
Minerva will keep you straight and the fans away. You could also use Bella as crowd control. She has been very bored with no one to torment.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"So not going to go into the realm of possibilities." Harry muttered. "I didn't even want to know about him and Minerva dating."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
There is this gorgeous green-eyed wizard who is our brother and lord in every way but blood and oath. How might we prove this to him, not get cursed by his boyfriend, and get it all legally recognized?
Sincerely,
Loyal Gemini
Dear Loyal Gemini:
I wouldn't worry about him, I would worry about your mother finding out. She will go howler crazy. I don't want to spend a month listening to her sending my boyfriend howlers, not to mention your equally demented sister. (See me in private.)
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Is that why we are meeting them this weekend at Riddle Manor?"
"Yes."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
My green-eyed fiance loves Treacle Tart. Will anything in that have a bad interaction with the strongest love potion known?
Sincerely,
Little Red
Dear Dead Little Red:
Try it and they won't find your body, ever.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Is that why she has gained 20 pounds during the holidays?" Harry asked. Harry had noticed, as well as everyone else that Ginny Weasley couldn't fit into her clothes and was now wearing her brothers, until her mother could get her more.
"Yes."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
How can I prevent stalking? My boyfriend said, I'm not allow to kill them. But he would help me to getting rid of the remains.
Signed,
Sad Stalking Victim.
Dear Assistant Professor Potter:
They will learn.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"Severus, I didn't write that letter." Harry pointed out.
"No, you didn't. I did. Think of it has their warning notice."
"Why?"
"Because I had fourteen, yes, fourteen letters from Ms. Weasley, five from her mother, and I won't even mention the odd ball ones just this week from girls wanting to find a way to dose you with a love potion or get you away from me." Severus snarled.
"Love, they can't. We will be married at the end of the year, and no one is going to change that." Harry squeezed his hand, and touched the engagement ring that Severus wore.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
We do have this frustrating Know-It-All in our courses. She is a pain in the neck for everyone and one of the worst teacher's pet I ever met.
Would it be so bad, when we throw her from the Astronomy Tower?
Signed,
Kill-joy
Dear Kill-joy or It is everyone's desire to do it:
If it were possible, I believe a line would form for the honor of pushing her off the tower. I would be at the front of the line. However, she isn't the teacher's pet, most of us just try to shut her up.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
I am disappointed. Every Yule ball some of my colleagues destroyed my prized rose bushes. How can I stop it?
Depressed Plant Mother
Dear Depressed Plant Mother:
Baby Mandrake Plants.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
"That would work." Harry smirked.
Severus grinned at the idea of all the passed out students, maybe it would end the stupid ball.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Is it allow to getting rid of the competition to achieve a higher rank within a secret organisation?
Signed,
Legally Blonde
Dear Legally Blonde or Why am I being plagued with Malfoys?
Draco, you finally got in, don't give someone a reason to kill you so soon. Trust me, stick with the job you have or you will end up like Wormtail. (Nagini is always willing to taste test.)
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
My Husband is too obsessed with his peacocks. I fear he even tried to bed them. What can I do?
Signed,
Worried Noble Woman
Dear Worried Noble Woman:
That explains Draco.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry started to giggle, and used his napkin to cover his laughter.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
It's not fair. There is this annoying boy-wonder who gets everything he wants. Even when he didn't deserve it. Now he has even manage to get the man, who should be rightfully mine My father always said, I deserve only the best.
Nothing has helped, the fashion-accident and his feline assistent aren't willing to help me at all. My aunt has promised to take care of the problem for me, but warned me that another powerful man sees him as a ward. How can I get my property back, without the boywonder destroying everything.
My aunt would be more than willing to organise the necessary equipment to free my obsession from his influence.
Advice needed,
Infatuated Loverboy
Dear Moron named Draco Malfoy:
Go near Severus and I will end you. Your aunt already learned her lesson. Severus isn't your property, and if you keep it up I am sure my guardian will enjoy teaching you the error of your ways, after I get finished with you, if there are any pieces left.
Go after Weasley, either one, I am not fussy which one.
Hazel
PS I mean it Draco. If you don't believe me, mention it around a certain snake.
Severus looked at Harry. "You know, I can handle him."
"Freaking Malfoys." Harry muttered.
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Is it allowed to use special herbs to relax, before entering important exams.
Nervous Herbalist.
Dear Mr. Longbottom:
Use that thing that is between your ears, it's called a brain, in case you weren't aware. What do you think? Honestly, has the standards of this school gone so downhill because of that candy crazed moron that you would even ask that. Ten points from Gryffindor.
Professor Snape (Hazel)
Harry sighed. He looked at Neville, Neville grinned.
"That brat set me up." Severus stated.
"Go easy on him, think of it has payback for your comment regarding his parents."
"Fine, I will let have that one."
Dear Professor Snape (Hazel):
Is it true that Salazar Slytherin has hidden more secrets in Hogwarts and how can we find them?
Signed,
Devoted Slytherins
Dear Slytherins who have a death wish:
Unless you know parseltongue, don't go looking, or you will find a certain person upset with you.
Professor Snape (Hazel)