Seasons
At some point in his life's journey over the past year Adam transitioned from full-time brother to full-time parent to Guthrie, Ford, Evan, and Daniel. With Crane, his paternal role spanned a good ninety percent, while with Brian, sixty to seventy percent would be more accurate.
Adam often reminded himself that the fact he presided as the eldest McFadden brother aided his segue into the parental role in which he found himself thrust that horrible, surreal day his folks died.
Before then, the younger boys had long taken orders from their sibling, though admittedly not always with good grace. Echoes of "Mama, Adam's bossing me!" or "Tell Adam to quit telling me what to do, Daddy!" occurred upon any occasion when the younger kids suspected Adam of abusing his big brother power.
And in all honesty, once in a while back in those innocent days Adam did abuse his power, for the simple reason that he could. It was the natural born right of the eldest child!
Those days with two parents dealing with the boys' bickering and doling out corrections disappeared.
Like it or not, Adam now legitimately bossed them all.
Ironically, that fact gave him no satisfaction.
The cloak of parenthood kept him clouded with a constant state of uncertainty in those first awful weeks. Once the family shifted into the routine of the new normal Adam felt some of the suffocating weight of responsibility evaporate, though.
His morning prayers always included entreaties that God guide his steps each day.
So his experience and confidence grew.
Nevertheless, Adam often experienced guilt and inner turmoil with his weary reliance upon commands such as, "Come here right now!" or "I'm not telling you again," as well as, "Homework first," or "When I check I want to find you doing what I said."
At night when he reflected upon his interactions and actions he tended to fixate upon negative events rather than upon any positive ones.
Despite his concern, the good far, far, outweighed the bad.
Two weeks earlier the family had been invited to a bar-be-cue at a ranch belonging to old friends of their McFadden parents. The boys and Adam doubled down on ranch work in the days preceding to carve out free time the Saturday afternoon and evening of the supper.
As he drove to the Jordans Adam recognized he was as excited as his brothers. It had been much too long since the family socialized in such a fashion.
The McFaddens were not the only family invited, and the Jordan spread overflowed with people of all ages, neighbors and acquaintances just as eager to enjoy the day. A live band played continuously with bluegrass and country selections and laughter and chatter surrounded Adam as he led the boys around the house to greet his hosts.
In the company of the older couple Adam felt a current of security settle upon him. The fact that the Jordans were grownups, trustworthy grownups, allowed him to relax and slip back in time towards the carefree role of a teenager which had been his by rights before the tragic loss of his parents.
The Jordans hugged and kissed each of them, patted cheeks and tweaked noses. Adam wasn't the only one who reveled in the attention. The boys outdid themselves trying to talk over each other to share school information and preen as the Jordans declared them handsome, tall, talented, and brilliant.
The property teemed with so many neighbors that the McFadden boys could immediately locate friends and classmates. Adam barely managed to issue instructions to the boys to touch base with him before they skedaddled, racing to join the fun in six different directions.
Even little Guthrie toddled purposefully to a group of smaller kids gathered near the edge of the main yard. Adam followed for several feet but paused when he saw that an entire area had been carefully arranged with the smallest set in mind. Three tire swings hung fairly low to the ground while small ladders provided steps for the kids to climb to launch themselves on top of bales of hay. Smaller bales beneath provided cushioning so the little ones could jump from the taller bales to the smaller ones. Some smaller farm animals wandered the preschool space: a baby goat, a baby pig, a few ducks, and very young kitties.
Adam could relax. One of the younger ranch hands supervised the area.
As for the Itty Bitties, Adam walked around to the back area and discovered Evan, Daniel, and Ford laughing and shouting in the midst of a group of a dozen or so elementary kids. Ford was the fairest of the three, very blond. Evan's hair was a darker blond while Daniel was a brunette. They were good looking boys and for a moment Adam just stood and stared. A wave of emotion radiated through him as he recalled how his dad's teasing voice would call out for them. "Polka dots! Polka dots! Time to eat!" The boys would laugh and their mom would laugh with them. "Well, for Itty Bitties, we do have two blonds and a brunette, so I guess that makes them Itty Bitty Polka Dots," she would smile, gathering the three little boys to her.
Adam closed his eyes and waited for the memory to evaporate.
When he opened them again he the elementary set had divided into two groups to form lines for a game of Red Rover. He continued to watch a few more seconds. The Jordans had appointed a couple of farmhands to man that area also. Adam noted preparation for some tutorials on lassoing and roping, as well as practice areas for archery and vaulting.
Adam grinned at the spectacle of an entire population of kids in the same age category as his three, and acknowledged the hidden talents of schoolteachers who could not only manage them all, but manage to instruct them, as well.
Adam reversed course and checked on Guthrie again. The toddler had climbed halfway up a bale of hay and Adam couldn't restrain a chuckle. The tot concentrated so hard on the task that straw already covered most of his Kelly green romper. Adam had brought a change of clothes, but he liked the green of the outfit because it brought out the green of the baby's eyes.
Finally Adam changed course once again and took off towards the barn where he recognized Crane's friends Ryan and Tyler in formation for a game of football. Adam scanned the area. Groups of tween girls huddled on the outskirts of the field, giggling and confiding secrets to each other. At their age, trying to appear more grown up poignantly contradicted the reality that they were still just kids.
Adam narrowed his eyes and began a more thorough scan of the boys playing football. He couldn't find Crane's thin frame with either the defense or the offense. A twinge of panic began to form in the pit of his stomach.
Why would Crane not interact with his friends? Had he had a fuss with them? Was he feeling sick?
Just two days before Crane had complained of a sore throat. Adam had given him some medicine and it had done the trick, but what if Crane really had strep or flu or pneumonia and Adam missed it?
The pre-teen girls linked arms and began to march the perimeter of the makeshift field, giggling loudly, which gave Adam a view of the tree line that had been behind them. He located Crane then, and couldn't suppress a grin when he saw that Crane held hands with his sixth grade girlfriend, Alyssa, as the two wandered aimlessly along the tree border.
They were too far away for Adam to hear the conversation, but by their body language, the two appeared to be exchanging pleasant observations. Adam shook his head delightedly. Who would have thought that pensive, quiet Crane would turn out to be the family's Romeo, rather than extroverts Brian or Daniel?
Speaking of Brian, Adam chose another path that circled him back towards the Jordan home. He climbed the steps onto the spacious veranda and skirted the house to the back. As he suspected, Brian and his group had staked out an entire section of porch for themselves.
Adam's eyes found his younger brother and for a moment Adam froze in confusion. When had Brian's legs gotten so long? When had Brian become so muscular? How long had it been since Adam heard him laugh so freely?
Adam noted that Brian's choice of a white shirt with blue stripes brought out the blue in his eyes, no doubt a fact Brian realized when he dressed for the outing.
Brian nodded imperceptibly and Adam shook his head and grinned. No, nothing was wrong. He just wanted to check on his brother's whereabouts.
The others glanced up and called out greetings. Adam identified Brian's inner circle, the very ones who had skipped school with him a couple of months earlier.
Adam frowned, concentrating. No, it had to be more than a couple of months because he had grounded Brian for that incident, and the last few weeks Brian had been on his regular schedule.
Adam rubbed his chin. Time tended to run together.
Brian relaxed on the porch rail propped against one of the columns. His current girlfriend, Karly, stood leaning against him, Brian's arms resting loosely around her neck. Bransen, Brian's best friend, sprawled in a wicker chair, feet propped on the rail. Adam didn't see his girlfriend, Ila, but spied another of Brian's good friends, Derek, and his girlfriend, Sophie. Several other teens flanked Brian, and Adam felt a tug of pride that Brian clearly was the attraction, the popular one, the focal point.
Curiosity sated, Adam waved in dismissal and retraced his steps.
From the vantage point of the porch he spied a group of adults in a far section of the field allotted as the bar-be-cue area, with many familiar faces among them. He checked Guthrie before joining the group of men gathered around a fire pit where several tremendous hunks of meat sizzled on spits over the fire pit, the aromas mingling together as a tantalizing paradise.
Adam licked his lips. It had been too long since he had enjoyed a cookout like this.
Once he actually joined the men he spotted a couple of high school friends and they moved to the side to catch up, though Adam offered to help with the barbecuing first. But the Jordans had hosted picnics for years and had the entire operation finely tuned. They always provided and cooked the meat, while neighbors contributed the rest of the bounty- desserts, vegetables, breads, salads, drinks, silverware, and paper products.
Adam glanced at the door to the Jordan's home again and a flood of emotion slammed him. How many times had he entered on his mama's footsteps and marched to the kitchen loaded down with dishes she had made him carry from their vehicle? He would juggle a couple of hot dishes while his mother rearranged the serving area to accommodate the McFadden contributions. Brian would follow a couple of minutes after with more dishes and stand patiently while their mother settled everything to her satisfaction once again.
Adam felt his breath catch. He clenched his jaw and took a few moments to control his emotions. That was his mother, all right. Despite the fact that other families contributed a single food item, she always brought several, because, she reminded her family, there were nine McFaddens. They always paid their way.
Adam bit the inside of his cheek and forced himself to allow the physical pain to mask his emotional pain.
It worked.
For a few minutes Adam joined the conversation around him and reveled in just being part of the group of men.
One of the hands squinted at a small figure crossing the field. He pointed toward the area before consulting Adam. "That one of yours, McFadden?"
Adam's gaze followed the man's direction. Sure enough, little Evan plodded purposefully toward the group. Adam excused himself and went to meet his little brother.
Evan grinned at Adam's appearance and threw up his arms. Adam swung him up into a hug before setting him back onto the ground. "What's up, little pup?"
"Well, I came to say something. Can I go on the hayride?" Evan grinned.
Adam pretended to ponder. "Hayride? Nobody has a hayride planned."
"Yes, they do," Evan giggled.
"Let me think," Adam brushed back the child's blond bangs. "I do believe you are jumping the gun here. Hayrides usually don't start until after lunch."
"I know," Evan protested. "I just wanna know ahead of time. I need to make my plans."
Adam laughed at the serious response. "Well good for you, my little man. The answer is yes, all of you can ride." Adam frowned. "Except Guthrie."
"I can hold him," Evan offered. I won't let him fall off or stuff straw in his nose or anything like that."
The child's readiness to care for his brother and sincere tone touched Adam. He reached down and tilted Evan's chin up so he could make eye contact. "Appreciate that. But today I want you and your brothers to have a fantastic time playing with your friends and just loving being kids. I don't want you babysitting for me. I'll take care of Guthrie. You take care of making sure you and Ford don't get hay inside your clothes and into your underwear. That would itch your butts and then you'd come crying to me!"
Evan laughed delightedly and Adam patted his cheek. "Go back with your friends. You have a chunk of time free before we eat."
"Okay," Evan began his journey walking backwards, but pivoted and slipped into a run, little legs pumping with exertion. Adam watched the small body with a bit of wonder.
The child's energy rarely ever flagged, and Adam had learned over the months that generally if Evan slowed unexpectedly it meant some type of illness lurked in his future.
The boy was a firecracker.
Hours later Adam sat contentedly at one of the long picnic tables arranged on the Jordan property. Guthrie lay across his lap sound asleep, hair tousled and clothes much the worse for wear. The toddler had played hard before lunch with his pre-k buddies and once his tummy was full from lunch he crashed.
Adam waved across the yard. Daniel, Evan, and Ford peeped out between the side rails of the hay wagon and waved back, barely able to restrain their excitement over the much anticipated hay ride.
There were actually three wagons in line. Once everyone was loaded the wagons would meander down roads and through the ranch for an hour or so before returning to the house.
Crane appeared at his side and Adam swiveled to see Alyssa waiting patiently at the edge of the yard. She smiled shyly, "Hey, Mr. McFadden."
"Hey yourself. Why are you and Crane not riding?"
Crane slid onto the bench. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Adam. Do I have to go on the same wagon as the little kids for the hayride?"
It proved difficult to conceal a smile. Adam pursed his lips instead and pretended to think. "If you are referring to your brothers, no, you don't have to ride on the same wagon."
Crane pondered the response for a second. "Daniel said we did because that was what you would say anyway."
"Why would you listen to Daniel on an issue like that?"
"I didn't really, but I wanted to double check." Relief washed over the boy's expression and Crane motioned to Alyssa with a smile. "Come on, we can ride one of the other wagons."
Adam grabbed Crane's wrist. "Hold on a second. When the ride's over it will be time for us to head home, so don't take off anywhere."
Crane arched his eyebrows. "Where would I go?"
"Hmmm…." Adam dropped his wrist. "Never mind. Go enjoy yourselves."
Alyssa and Crane scurried off holding hands and Adam shook his head. That little brother already had some romance in him.
A tap on his shoulder moved his attention to Mrs. Jordan. She leaned down to stroke Guthrie's face. "We have some pallets down on the living room floor for the little ones. Why don't you go set him down there with the others?"
"I appreciate it." Adam managed to carry Guthrie to the house and slide him onto a pallet by three other toddlers without waking him.
He stood and stretched before jogging out to the dining area. Adam spotted Chelsea and several other young ladies spreading netting over desserts and breads. Brian and his group had lined one area with ice and all of the leftover cold foods were placed on top. Across from those tables stood a smaller warming area with a small fire pit under metal grates. All of the foods which needed to remain warm had been housed there.
Guest could help themselves all afternoon and evening since the picnic would continue for hours, with people dropping in and later going home. Some would return.
Adam had warned his crew before they left that they would head to the house mid-afternoon. As it turned out, they returned at dusk, having stayed at the insistence of both Mr. and Mrs. Jordan. The extra time had allowed the boys to compete in several games of skill, join in ranch inspired singalongs close to the house, and even listen to a couple of tall tales narrated with gusto by the eldest two gentlemen of their community.
They piled out of the truck and into the house in a heap of worn out bodies. Tired as well, Adam eyed them all in resignation. Hay still stuck to them, clothes were not only dirty but in the case of Ford and Daniel, ripped, and they had exhausted themselves.
In a good way, Adam reminded himself, they had exhausted themselves in a good way.
He pointed upstairs and no one argued.
A chorus of "Night, Adam," and "Thank you, Adam," floated toward him. The boys began stripping off clothes as they mounted the steps and yanking off boots and Adam watched without interfering.
If felt so very pleasant for a change to have allowed his family this one day of absolutely spectacular freedom and fun.
Adam felt good.
A cough startled him and before he could catch himself, Adam flinched.
Reverend Samuels smiled apologetically. "Sorry, Son. I took too big a swallow and choked."
Adam grinned self-consciously. "I don't know what makes me so jumpy for no real reason."
"Don't apologize." The pastor regarded him thoughtfully. "You wear many hats, Adam. Even if I had never watched you at the bar-be-cue I would know that. You're a chameleon of sorts."
"True," Adam agreed.
"Quite the chameleon," Reverend Samuels continued. "So what made the biggest impact on you that day, the day of the bar-be-cue?"
Adam distractedly rubbed his jawline and smiled self-consciously. "Getting to sit back and watch my brothers have fun."
Reverend Samuels agreed. "Yes, because your time is generally spent keeping them healthy, keeping a roof over their heads, and keeping food on the table."
"I guess so."
Neither spoke for a couple of minutes, both lost in their own thoughts.
The older man adjusted his glasses.
"Break down the big brother/ daddy roles for me. How do you know when to apply one or the other?" Reverend Samuels leaned forward. "Adam, you have been the big brother longer than you've been the parent. How do you separate the two? Or do you?"