Yikes, I should be studying but…oh well. Physiology sucks. :P
I struggle to keep her in my arms as she keeps squirming away. She complains that it hurts but I know she is just crying crocodile tears. If I don't brush her hair now then it's going to be a huge matted mess later and it will actually hurt then. I finally calm her down enough to explain this but even so she still sniffles when I start brushing her curls. Peeta told me he had a similar problem when he was young, but his mum just decided to shave his head instead of tame the curls. Unfortunately, that isn't an option for Lily.
One day Lily tried to braid her hair and it became a cobweb so tangled I had to cut a few chunks of it off. We have resigned her to putting her hair in two little buns at the back of her head, promising to braid it when she is older. She had seen a portrait Peeta had done of me long ago and exclaimed loudly that she wants to be just like mommy when she grows up. I told her it was time for a nap even though she had already taken one today and I retired to my bedroom. I ended up crying for over an hour. Even to this day, memories of the Games are so fresh in my head; it could have happened yesterday. After that we make sure that the book with all of the history was kept on a high shelf, away from her prying hands and eyes.
Lily is always trying to wiggle her way out of everything. She seems to think that she has her father's persuasive tongue but I can safely say that she is just as blunt as I am. So far today she managed to persuade Peeta to give her a cookie before dinner, and to forgo her evening bath. Peeta is putty in her hands and she knows it. He says it's because she looks just like me. We worry that she might get herself into some trouble; and one day she finally does.
I had been out hunting in the woods while Peeta stayed home with her. He has gone to use the loo and Lily had managed to open a door handle (we did not know she could do this yet). She had successfully opened the door to Peeta's study, where all of his artwork was. Lily had also successfully knocked over many of his pictures. Of course, the ones she sees were of the 74th hunger games. I am forever grateful that she didn't see the ones of the 75th, where my image is morphed into a monster's.
Her high-pitched scream brought Peeta running for her and he immediately scooped her up before leaving the room, and closing the door firmly behind him. Lily had spent the night in our bed with me, while Peeta slept over at the bakery. He felt such guilt over what happened even though I assured him that it wasn't his fault, and that at two years old it was doubtful that she'd even remember it. We both know the last part was a lie, no one can forget the pictures once they've been seen.
Six months later we were proven right. On her third birthday she asked us for a bow and arrow, like mommy uses. We thought that she was just trying to follow in my footsteps, she is practically my mini-me. Lily said she wanted to protect herself from the monsters in daddy's room. After a beat we told her that those monsters don't exist, and that they are just pictures. Even at three years old, I could tell that she knew we were lying to her. We locked the door for a safety measure but that turned out to be unnecessary; Lily avoided that door at all costs.
And then we try to forget that these things happened; until Lily brings it up again. Every time she does I find that I can't breathe and I have to leave the room. Eventually she brings it up less and less.
I hate this. I hate that at the age of four she has had to learn how to be strong for her parents. I feel like I'm turning into my own mother but I refuse to shut down. Peeta is still here, Lily is still here and I'm still here. That's all I need.
So the next time she brings it up, my breathing stops again. I close my eyes, and count to ten. I open them slowly and pick up my little girl in my arms. I say to her "Don't worry. Mommy's here and mommy loves you. Daddy's here and he loves you too. You are safe. Nothing bad is going to happen." She smiles brightly at me before leaning her head down on my chest.
Even after all this time every day is a new battle. But looking into Lily's eyes, Peeta and I are learning to breathe again. Learning to close our eyes, take a breath. So when we open them again; we are prepared for the next hurdle the world will through at us.
This kind of goes over some of the struggles that Peeta and Katniss have to go through. It starts with the superficial ones and leads to the hard ones. I know this post is over a few years instead of a day but I hope you enjoy it. The next chapter will be about baby #2. Big hurdle coming up soon too.