Well shit, I should really study. And the saddest thing is I wrote this yesterday. I hope you enjoy reading it.
I'm five months along when the cramps hit. And these hurt, a lot. I bleed a little too and it worries Peeta and I immensely. We go see our doctor the next day and she tells us it's just Braxton Hicks contractions, also known as false labour. She tells them some pregnant women experience them and that I will probably continue to have them throughout this pregnancy. I can deal with that.
What I can't deal with is the nightmares; before they were all the same. Hunger games, Peeta or Lily dying, ways I could have died. These ones are worse. Snow or Coin are always present. They use their claws and open my belly and steal my baby right out of me. I wake up screaming and I know it scares Lily a lot so I try to muffle them into a pillow while Peeta calms me down. They are less frequent than the nightmares during Lily's pregnancy but they terrify me much more. They leave me shaking in the morning and wishing that I never have to sleep. Being around Lily makes it easier. It reminds me that she made it out okay.
I hug her closely every morning before she struggles away to go play with Haymitch's geese or to go read a book. She's growing up so fast and it makes me glow seeing how happy she is and knowing that she will never have the Hunger Games looming over her. The doctor says the baby is small which worries me to no end; smaller than even Lily was. Aren't babies supposed to get bigger with each pregnancy? Plus a slower heart rate makes me panic every now and again. This baby moves a lot less than Lily but she's still moving none the less. Eventually I settle down with Peeta's constant reassurances and life goes back to normal.
Three weeks later, everything goes to hell. I saw that Lily had left her bedroom after her nap so I went to go see what she was up to, assuming that she was in the kitchen trying to sneak a cookie. Another Braxton Hicks contraction had hit me at the top of the stairs, and it threw me off balance. I fell. All the way down. I'm completely numb. My thighs are completely covered in blood and I have no idea where it's coming from. My ankle is twisted at an unnatural angle. I hear a soft whisper from behind me.
"Mommy?" Lily says so quietly. I look towards her and stop myself from screaming out in pain.
"Go get daddy, okay hun? He's at the bakery. Can you do that? And then go straight to Uncle Haymitch's after. I'm okay, I promise." I say in my more reassuring and calm voice. She nods slowly and bolts out the front door. No four and a half year old should have to see their mother in pain. I feel an extremely heavy pressure on my stomach, but it's not at all like labour. It's uncomfortable and I can immediately tell that it's wrong.
Peeta comes busting into the house minutes later. "Is she at Haymitch's?" I ask quickly.
"Yes." Peeta says immediately. "Haymitch say her running over to the bakery and decided to follow her there. He could tell that something was wrong. I've already called Delly and she's bringing the car around to pick us up to take us to the hospital." I nod quickly before I'm overcome with tears.
"I'm so sorry." I tell him. "I was going down the stairs when a contraction hit, and I just completely lost my footing. I'm so sorry Peeta, I'm so sorry." He just shushes me as I babble on and on. He holds me close to his chest and we cry together.
Delly arrives minutes later with paramedics in tow. They quickly lift me onto a stretcher and take me into the emergency room. The only thing keeping me sane is Peeta's warm hand in mine. The doctor does a quick ultrasound and decides that he needs to do an emergency Caesarean section.
"What?" I tell him. "But I haven't even hit six months yet. She's not ready." He tells me that if there is any chance of saving her than we must do the C-section now. They quickly put me on a painkiller and other drugs I don't know the name of. Mere minutes later a baby is out of my stomach and we see our baby girl for the first time. We aren't overcome by joy or awe like we were with Lily. We are quiet and solemn because she doesn't breathe. They don't let us hold her.
In that fleeting moment I am struck by how much she looks like Prim. A few tendrils of bright blonde hair that doesn't curl; and I'm sure she would've had blue eyes. The doctors take her away quickly and I know they're trying their best to save her, but we all know that it's too soon. She's just too little; barely larger than my hand.
Peeta and I are taken to a recovery room and Delly goes home after a few hours. A paediatric surgeon sets my ankle. The doctor comes in hours later and tells us that he did everything he could. I tell him that it's okay and that I know he did. He seems boggled that I'm trying to comfort him. Being a mother does strange things to a person.
Peeta cries unashamedly into my shoulder and I comfort him too as I am overcome by my own tears. I know I need to feel the pain now. We need to feel it so we don't go numb. So we don't turn into people like my mother. It just hurts so much. It's so heavy in my chest and I can't breathe properly anymore.
Peeta grips my hands tightly and whispers sweet nothings into my ear trying to convince me that this isn't my fault. I let him even though all I want to do now is push him away and wallow in self-pity. I wonder if his hijacks will come back now; since I killed his child. It makes me into a real monster; I've killed not only other children but now my own.
Prim would tell me that this isn't my fault, I reason. Tons of women miscarry, especially in District 12. But that was the old world; we're living in the new one. I am overcome by grief and I miss my sister so much. I wish that she was here with me more than anything.
I know that Peeta and I will get past this eventually, but right now we're going to just hold each other and cry.
Don't hate me for doing this chapter. Please don't. Please read and review though. I will be updating in two to three days because my exam is tomorrow.