Warning: Here be Technobabble. Probably very out of place as well, but in a universe where you can disguise yourself as other people with a push of a button, you have respawn and therefore cannot die, and apparently have the ability to create/upgrade sentry guns by hitting them with wrenches, and they also have the ability to distinguish between enemies due to the color they are wearing...yeah. I'm saying to hell with it. If I didn't say to hell with it this probably wouldn't happen. So yes. Be happy.
...
Sniper popped his hat up slightly from where he was sitting on his chair, leaned back against the wall, chair propped up on two legs as he woke up from his dozing to watch the Spy enter the garage. Engineer looked over to him, wiping at his greasy wrench with a cloth, giving the Spy a smile.
"Spook, you're back!" Engineer grinned at him, wiping his own hands and turning to face him fully.
"So it would seem." Spy sighed, finally succumbing to the need to pull slightly at the balaclava, peeling the sweat-induced dampness away from his neck slightly. The sight of him doing that sent Sniper clattering back onto four legs. Spy smirked at him after letting it snap back in place. "Apologies, bushman, did not mean to startle you." He smirked at him, the Sniper huffing as he crossed his arms.
"Whatever. What do you want?" Sniper asked, leaning forward onto his crossed arms that lay over his knees.
"To be honest, I have come for your blood." Spy gave them a wide, evil-looking smile.
"What?" The loud exclamation was echoed by both parties, blinking at him with wide blue eyes.
"What the heck do you want that for, Spook?"
"Gentlemen, you are certainly not the only ones who donated. I have the rest of the team's blood as well, including my own." He walked over to the desk he had been using before, his cigarettes still lined up neatly and precisely. His trust in the Engineer was never misplaced; it was a bit too bad it never quite went the opposite way.
As friendly as the Southerner always was to him, the Spy had seen the way he looked at him when he approached any of his inventions. It would not have been worth the time to assure him that, while he was admittedly supposed to spend most of the time on the field sapping the other team's sentries, and generally causing hell for the BLU team's Engineer, it did not say anything about the RED one. He generally left his own team alone, unless they had been asking for it, which happened more than he would have liked. Besides, the constant paranoia amused him. He often went out of his way to encourage it.
"Really now, well…I suppose. You be careful now." Engineer walked forward, holding out his left arm, which already had the sleeve rolled up to his elbow.
"Of course." He drew the Engineer's blood calmly and clinically without much fuss, the Sniper offering his own left-gloved arm, his own shirt rolled up as much as the Engineer's, and the Spy repeated the procedure. "Merci to you both."
"No problem. Now, what precisely are you going to do with that?" Engineer asked, tilting his hardhat back with a mildly greasy hand. Spy sneered at him.
"Oh…this and that." He shrugged, replacing each individual cigarette into his case with a smile, eight wonderful little cigarettes in total, after he fished a few out from a pocket. He had made a pit-stop to his room after dealing with the Heavy, unable to continue without his precious nicotine. He currently had one in his mouth that he was tapping with his teeth quietly in thought. He looked up at them, frowning slightly before sighing. "I suppose this aspect would not be something that could get me terribly brutalized. You can watch if you like." The sarcasm was practically oozing from his every word and they responded appropriately.
"Much obliged, Spook." Engineer smirked, drawing a chair over and sitting on it backwards with a grin. Spy frowned at him.
"I'm going to join you, hold up." Sniper dragged his chair over and plopped down as well, grinning at him. The Spy groaned before sighing, looking them both in the eye.
"If either of you value your lives you will not speak of this to anyone. My sappers do not just affect sentries. They also sap respawn." He finished the threat with the tiniest of a smile. "I do not like resorting to threats to my dear friends, but it is worth more than my life to make certain that none of these secrets are given to others. Do not make me back my threat up. I have enjoyed working with you. It would be a shame to break in new recruits." If it wasn't for the fact that they could see honest fear in his eyes as he spoke they would have reacted violently. As it was they immediately turned serious, frowning, leaning forward, peering into his blue eyes with equal determination.
"Not a word leaves this room, mate, swear it." Sniper spoke first, removing his hat and placing it over his chest in something like a vow.
"Won't say a damn thing to nobody," Engineer answered with equal solemnity. "It's too interesting to punish you over."
"Très bon," Spy sighed out, and immediately set to work. They watched as each syringe was inserted into a particular cigarette, frowning in slight disgust as the liquid seeped out along the stick, blotchily staining the white a color as red as their team. He then replaced them, tapping a corresponding button for each of them as he slid them in. Finally he pressed a few other buttons and snapped it shut. There was a strange glow from inside the case, sliding from the top of it to the bottom before it flickered out.
"Well, you'll be happy to know that I followed none of that…" Engineer stated with a grin, the Spy rolling his eyes. When he opened the case they were all colored red, the Spy pulling the one that corresponded to the Heavy out with a frown. "Although, hold on a second, are those cigarettes you smoke how your disguise kit works, like…if you didn't smoke before you took this job you'd have to learn to? Hell, did you used to be a non-smoker until you took this job?" Engineer asked, as a thought came to him, leaning forward. Spy blinked, looking to the side, chewing on his lip quietly, obviously debating with himself on whether or not to tell them anything. Finally he cleared his throat.
"I was not always a smoker, no. When I was first instructed about the disguise kit and told that cigarettes were a main component I almost complained. I had no wish to start such a habit, but in the end my 'Professionalism' won out. I learned to smoke, one apres dinner, avec a glass of wine, that sort of thing. It was only after I had habituated myself to them that I learned that whatever need there originally were for cigarettes had been removed." The Spy shrugged, listening to their token outrage with a small smirk. "So, no, the cigarettes are no longer used in such a manner. However, once we learned that we could and they had been supposed to…well, we had to find out how precisely it worked. In short it was originally going to, no longer does so, and now it works as how it should have." He summarized with a smug smile as he twirled the cigarette through his fingers carelessly.
"Well if that doesn't beat all. You never wanted to be a smoker then?" Engineer asked, scratching at his head.
"No. I could not stand the smell. Now I can't stop." He chuckled darkly. "C'est le vie, oui?"
"No, I'd say it's a crying shame." Sniper crossed his arms over his chest, watching as the Spy rolled his eyes in response, finally dismissing them both as he looked at the cigarette in his fingers, mustering his courage up.
"Well…wish me luck." Spy sighed. "This is going to be disgusting." He removed the cigarette currently in his mouth out, stepped back from the table, retrieved his lighter after placing the quite literally blood-red cigarette in his mouth, lit it, and pressed the proper button on his disguise kit. There was a puff of smoke, a strangled cry of pain that deepened in pitch as it went, and then both were gone, replaced by the sight of the RED Heavy, the Spy's clothes in a shredded heap around him. The loud screams of protest and disgust, and accompanied cursing in French in a very much Russian accented voice echoed throughout the base.
"Bloody hell! Who on Earth would want to see that?" Sniper pulled his hat down in front of his face.
"I made segmented stalls for a damn reason! Goodnight Irene, I think I've hit the deep-end of absolute awful. Haven't you done this before, Spook? I thought you said you did!" Engineer's own hardhat was doing a similar amount of damage control.
"Merde, baiser, pisse, merde, merde, merde! This was not something I was told about! And I loved that suit! I am going to kill that Heavy. This is all his fault!" The…Spy immediately set to finding something to hide behind, fingers almost automatically going towards his balaclava, which was luckily still intact. "And no, I have not actually tried it before, we just learned how to and that was it! We weren't quite willing to actually test it. The Heavy also has an oddly small head…" He fiddled with the slightly too tight balaclava, almost as an afterthought, frowning.
"Thought you European fellows weren't all that embarrassed about the naturalness of the human body." Engineer finally coughed out, laughing, peering slightly around his hardhat when he realized the Spy was standing behind yet another wood barrier, hands dancing practically everywhere in their owners shock.
"I'm not embarrassed about mine. I work hard on keeping a proper figure, this is just…sad." He squeezed at a roll of fat with a frown. "To hell with it. The Heavy wants me to take his stupid Sasha, fine." Before they quite realized what he was doing he had stalked out of the garage, the look strange on someone who couldn't quite pull it off, almost waddling. The two of them paused, looked at each other, and looked back towards the exit.
"Three…" Sniper started.
"Two…" Engineer smirked.
"One."
"MEIN GOTT, HEAVY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Medic's voice was first.
"MY EYES, MY EYES, THEY BUUUURRNN!" Scout screamed.
"AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!" Soldier's distinctive cry echoed down the halls last, likely just having been released from the Medic's 'tender mercies' to the sight of a naked Heavy coming right towards him.
The Medic finally seemed to notice the balaclava that was still in position because he shouted out, "Wait a moment, that Heavy is the Spy!"
"What is ruckus?" The Heavy could finally be heard asking as he likely poked his head out from his room.
"Get out of my way, Heavy!" There was a sound of something being shoved and a quiet whisper of,
"Мой Бог…" before something began stomping back to the garage. The Spy came back, carrying Sasha in his hands, gently placed it on the workbench in front of them, and removed the cigarette, pressing the button as he did so. A further puff of smoke and the Spy was standing in front of them, very much as himself.
"Gentlemen." He nodded to them with a wild grin, turned around, and stalked out, naked as the day he was born. If he had been born with a balaclava on his head, which to be honest, most of his team thought he had.
"Luckily…I already don't remember this…" Demoman finally slurred quietly. It was the last straw. The two of them erupted into laughter, falling off chairs and nearly choking on their own spit as they cackled. Finally they calmed down slightly, coughing and panting, before the Engineer finally had to comment.
"You know, sometimes, I really love that Spy, he's always good for a laugh." And then they were dying again, the protests of their teammates echoing in their ears.
….
The Spy had finished showering and was shrugging on his jacket by the time the Heavy had entered the garage and sat down, staring longingly at Sasha. The Engineer and the Sniper were doing their best to ignore him, erupting into sniggers every so often despite their best efforts. The Heavy bore it all with a frown on his face, a frown that turned into a snarl when the fully clothed and clean Spy entered, a wide smile on his face. "Well, that was fun, bonjour, fat man! You willing to help me now?"
"I should crush Spy with bare hands." Heavy stood up, towering over the shorter man, who didn't even bother pretending to be afraid of him, walking within his reach, even as he approached Sasha calmly.
"But you will not, because you made a promise." Spy shrugged, looking up at him with a smirk. "Shall we get to work?"
Heavy sighed, slumping back into his chair, which creaked loudly at the application of his weight. "Very well."
"Excellent. Now, I am going to ask you a few questions regarding your wonderful Sasha, you will answer them, and then we shall go from there, d'accord?" Spy asked, sitting down on his own chair, flicking open his modified disguise kit and opening whatever section allowed him to input settings.
"Must we do this in English?" Heavy asked, looking over to the Engineer and Sniper with a dark frown, Spy immediately switched to Russian.
"No, not unless you would prefer, I am perfectly content speaking in Russian. Now…" So began a long and in depth question and answer session, the Heavy answering some questions reluctantly, and other questions with absolute zeal. The entire time, the Spy continued entering data in his kit, a plain white cigarette in his mouth shifting from one side to the other in concentration, smoke wisps rising into the air constantly.
The Engineer had given up trying to understand what they were saying; working again on his walking sentry prototype, hoping that this time at least he would get a decent idea of what precisely had gone wrong. He hated it when prototypes exploded. The least they could do would be just stop, or jam, or something less violent. Engineer loved guns and equally loved the violence associated with them; he was just not a big fan of violence towards his sentries. Most respected him for that, the Spy teased him mercilessly.
Finally the Spy removed his cigarette, crushing it on the ashtray that the Engineer had provided for him, mouth in a smile. "Well…I believe that will work." He smiled at the Heavy. "Many thanks; Sasha truly is a remarkably beautiful weapon."
Heavy straightened, beaming at him. "Da, is very true."
"Now…now I need to work on some logistics with you." Spy stood up finally, walking around the table holding Sasha with a frown. "Would you mind if I asked you to hold it up for a moment?"
"Нет, will be no problem." So saying, Heavy stood up, holding the large weapon calmly, the Spy narrowing his eyes as he examined the way he gripped it. Two handles, one a forward grip at a short distance from where the white motor that fed the bullets and provided the spin needed to fire began. The other was a sideways grip, extending a little father out from where that motor ended. Six barreled, shined to perfection, and deadly. There were few things that provided as much fright on the battlefield as a Heavy, especially when accompanied by the Medic, that weapon was one of the reasons.
Spy finally crouched down slightly, examining it just a bit closer before standing back a bit, "Fire."
Heavy grinned and did so, the barrels beginning their preparatory spinning before hot lead spewed out violently. Spy watched carefully all the while, finally grinning himself as the Heavy laughed uproariously. Finally he stopped, the other two sharing the space waiting for the Spy's pronouncement.
"You know what…I truly believe we can do this. The BLU Heavy has the same gun as you, correct?" He asked with a blink, suddenly hitting on a snag that he figured should have come to him much sooner than now.
"Yes, BLU team stole blueprints for Sasha. She is close, but is not as good."
"What is the difference?" Spy asked immediately.
"It is not big difference; she is merely not as cared for." Heavy shrugged, the Spy not satisfied by that answer in the least.
"It is aesthetically different then?" He prompted, Heavy immediately shaking his head.
"Not as much polish." Heavy finally clarified, leading to the Spy relaxing.
"Ah, well, that can be fixed easily. Now…" He frowned slightly and finally sighed. "I don't quite know how to go about this…" He admitted quietly, frowning. Sniper and Engineer immediately perked up.
"Hey! That's easy, partner, see about finding a way to make your weight distribute in a similar way, so when he picks you up it won't seem as immediately apparent you're that different," Engineer piped up, grinning, a smudge of grease across his face.
Heavy blinked as he tried to process all the words, finally brightening in comprehension. Before the Spy could quite come up with a proper response, or prepare himself in any way, two large hands had grabbed him. He let out a squawk, finding himself lifted up in the air by the collar of his jacket and the back of his pants, his pants taking most of his weight. His butterfly knife was pulled out immediately in reflex, only to have it drop to the ground as he was swung down to rest near the Heavy's hip in a similar manner to how he held Sasha, and shaken slightly. Spy groaned slightly, crossing his legs under himself, the Heavy immediately brightening, even as the other two were nearly falling over themselves laughing.
"Da, that would be how Sasha would be held. You are very good Spy!" Heavy grinned. "You still do not weigh as much, maybe Spy should fix?"
"Mon dieux…" Spy gasped out, his hands joining his almost futile protection of his crotch area, the Heavy's initial pleased reaction having mildly crushed a rather important place.
"Spy?" Heavy questioned in slight confusion, but there was just a touch of vindictive amusement in his eyes. He knew precisely what he had done and the Spy knew it. In a vicious move Spy finally managed to flip his disguise kit open, pressing the button that corresponded with the new settings. Heavy changed his balance at the extra weight, grinning happily. "Замечательный!" He shouted out, the Spy finally recovering enough to hold his hands out in the proper position.
"I don't get it, why don't you actually look like Sasha now? If you fully turned into the Heavy, why won't it do the same with the gun?" Engineer asked finally.
"Do I look like I am made of metal? I must have something in common with what I am to turn into, if that is what I am to be doing. Besides, I need to be ready to run..." Spy bit out, glaring, still a bit sore from earlier. "All I need for this particular disguise is to have it keep it in action for as long as I choose, and to in general feel like a gun, even if I move my hands out from where they should be. For instance, I can do this…" He gripped his butterfly knife and jabbed it at the Heavy's crotch with a snarl.
Luckily for the Heavy, their inability to shoot each other also extended to their knives, although no one was quite sure how. The Russian still gave a bellow, dropping the Spy automatically. Spy caught himself on his hands and knees, moving away from the Heavy as quickly as he could, hiding behind the chuckling Engineer, laughing. The Heavy glared at him, about to take a few stomping steps forward when the Spy got control of his cackling, and waved his hands in surrender. "Relax, mon ami, if I had been able to actually stab you I would not have done it. I was simply illustrating a point, I swear. I do not wish to harm my teammates so harshly; I was simply showing how I might escape."
Heavy glared at him before nodding his head once, beckoning him to come closer. Spy stayed right where he was, his feet planted on the floor, a rather tentative smile on his face that looked like it would fade at any second. Heavy rolled his eyes. "Is fine, I understand. It was not unlike you, and you also did not mean to harm me. I believe that. You joke, but you rarely cause pain."
Spy winced at his pronouncement, both out of the fact that the Sniper and Engineer looked strangely thoughtful at that statement and the fact that he had obviously underestimated him. He decided that he really needed to stop doing that. He walked over to the Heavy with his shoulders hunched, looking remarkably like a whipped puppy, the Engineer and Sniper chuckling at him. This time when the Heavy picked him up he was careful not to cause pain.
"Alright, now, see if he feels the same when you turn and move, and check for any unbalances." Engineer finally prompted.
Heavy grinned and shifted him right and left, finally pressing an imaginary button. The telltale sound of 'Sasha' warming up filled the air, the three of them brightening up immediately. When he pretended to press the trigger used to fire, the Spy's shout of protest as he immediately attempted to press the right button on the disguise kit did not come fast enough. The pockmarks left by what were assumed to be bullets led to a bit of fear, especially since the Heavy was currently aiming towards the sentry.
Heavy dropped him immediately, even as the sentry blew up, the Engineer flying backwards as he was caught in the blast, smashing onto the ground like a ragdoll, his head bouncing as his body splayed out limply. Spy forced himself upright, running towards the downed Engineer, Sniper already crouching over the Texan, Heavy shouting out for the Medic. "Truckie, Truckie, speak to me, come on, you alright?" Sniper patted his cheek gently, avoiding the cuts on his face, never happier that the Engineer wore goggles and a hardhat habitually than in that moment. His brown overalls were torn, various shrapnel pieces lodged into his skin and clothing, streaks of blood sliding from shallow cuts. Spy stood over him quietly, his arms limp at his sides, blinking in slight surprise.
"I had no idea it was able to do that…" Spy finally spoke. "I was going to tell him to aim at something that would not explode."
"Well, now you do, Wanker." The Sniper's voice no longer held the usual warmth, the sarcastic sneering that was a staple of his conversations with the Spy; it was now harsh, violent. Spy crossed his arms, frowning.
"Je suis désolé, bushman…but truly, I can only fire at where someone points me. Should you not be blaming the Heavy?" Spy asked, sneering at him. Sniper frowned up at him, finally shaking his head.
"Yeah, I suppose so. Come on, Truckie, wake up…" He patted his face a bit harder, the Engineer finally dazedly stirring.
"…Spy…sapping my sentry…" Engineer groaned, looking around dazedly. They immediately relaxed.
"Non, je suis désolé, mon ami, I sort of shot your sentry…not on purpose, I assure you, but the Heavy cannot aim to save his life." Spy smiled at him sheepishly, the Engineer's eyebrows furrowing together before he shakily brought his right fist into the Spy's shin. Spy jolted back, not quite expecting it, not quite willing to lash out in response. He had deserved it.
"Bad dispenser," Engineer gasped out, something like a smirk on his face. Spy smirked as well and decided that Texan forgiveness hurt like a bitch. The Medic ran up at that moment, medipack strapped onto his back, taking a moment to survey the scene before tisking lightly, shaking his head.
"Now you see why I studied medicine, much less chance of things blowing up on you." He grumbled to himself quietly, slowly switching to German as he tapped his foot impatiently.
"You considered engineering?" The Texan asked, sliding his goggles off of his face along with his hardhat, slumping back as the medigun was turned on it's lowest setting, more to stop the blood-flow than seal the injuries. The Medic took tweezers from the pack, and calmly set about removing the larger pieces of shrapnel.
"I considered anything with science. I was particularly interested in mathematics, chemistry, engineering, biology…as you can tell, I was not all that picky. Eventually my morbid curiosity won out. I could not resist figuring out how the human body worked, or, more importantly, how far it could be driven before it gave out." The wide nasty smile he gave as he dug a particularly nastily lodged in splinter led to uncomfortable glances, the Texan gritting his teeth in pain. "It is so close to engineering after all, only inside of wires, oil, and chips…you have veins, blood, organs...I could go on, but I might bore you…"
"Nah, it's alright. I find it interesting, honestly…"
"How did this happen anyway?" Medic asked.
"Apparently the Spy can shoot bullets at a rate of ten-thousand rounds per minute…" Engineer smirked. "And it can blow up my sentry." His smirk turned into a deep frown, the Spy giving a shrug when the Medic looked at him.
"I take it you were successful?" Medic raised an eyebrow at him.
"Almost. I have yet to complete the finishing touch." Spy nodded his head in confirmation, drawing confused glances.
"What's the finishing touch?" Sniper asked. Spy grinned, flicking his disguise kit open, and sliding a white paper mask from the back of it. Engineer smirked at him, nodding to the back corner of his garage where a small wooden case sat, completely innocent in its simplicity, and commonness.
"Have at it." Engineer smirked at him and the Spy nodded his head, frowning down at what used to be clean pants before sighing, walking over to grab it. He dropped the case down in front of Sasha, narrowing his eyes slightly before setting to work.
Medic finally removed the last of the shrapnel and used the medigun to close the wounds fully, the four of them wandering over to where the Spy sat calmly, the case opened to reveal various drawing utensils. Spy hesitated, looking up and around at everyone standing around him with arms crossed and curious expressions, and immediately groaned. "Merde…"
"Get drawing." Engineer jabbed him in the back. "I get that you don't want your usual secrets and methods found, but it's just a damn drawing. Besides, you owe me."
Spy sighed, shrugging his jacket back onto the chair he was sitting on, and rolling his sleeves up, before setting to work. The four of them watched with raised eyebrows as he sketched out a vague shape, his eyes flicking from the circle of paper up to the minigun and back again. They watched him tense more and more over a prolonged period of time, before the Sniper finally pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering one to the Spy, who accepted it with a nod of thanks, blinking when a lighter was offered as well. He touched the end to the flickering flame, puffed, all while continuing his drawing. Finally he set down the pencil, frowning slightly as he looked back and forth from the paper to the actual thing.
"And?" He asked, gesturing at a nearly perfect copy of the Heavy's minigun, frowning up at them.
"Is amazing!" Heavy exclaimed, a wide beaming smile on his face.
"That's good enough for me. Now, gentlemen, if you will excuse me…" Spy stood up, rolling his sleeves down.
"Not so fast, Herr Spy, it is time for your examination. From what I saw earlier you at least seem to not be suffering from any serious deformities, but I would like to get a closer look." Medic smirked at him. The Spy sighed before following after, grasping the mask, and his jacket, before he left.
"I don't know about you, but I have a feeling this is going to be one of the craziest things we've ever seen." Engineer finally stated, gaining a quiet mumble of agreement.
"You think he will let me keep picture once done?" Heavy asked.
"Heavy, after all this I'm certain the Spy will never want to see it again." Engineer grinned up at him.
"I'm not so sure I would want to see it again either," Sniper grumbled. "This might turn out to be more trouble than it's worth. He also owes me a cigarette."