And, buildup has been completed. Here's the spectacular conclusion folks, be afraid, be very afraid.
...
"Mission begins in sixty seconds." The Announcer's voice echoed off the walls of the ready room, the eight people standing there doing last minute adjustments to equipment and generally warming up. Teufort was a particularly useless base, but they were hoping that today…today something might actually happen.
"Anyone heard from the Spy?" Engineer asked to a slew of negative responses.
"Think he went over to BLU base bright and early, heard him walk past my van before the sun was up." Sniper shrugged. "But I haven't gotten any actual word from him."
"Man this had so better be worth it, he owes me a new pair of eyes from yesterday. They were bleeding, man, fricken' bleeding!" Scout exclaimed, rubbing at the blue eyes in question with the heels of his hands, groaning. Heavy glared at him. They had mostly decided to just forget that incident ever happened. The Heavy was not someone anyone wanted to tick off.
"Causing chaos and general confusion is the Spook's job, son. I'm pretty sure this'll be something to remember." Engineer grinned, his favorite wrench slid into his tool belt, pumping ammo into his shotgun calmly.
Sniper finished waxing his bowstring, gathering his quiver, and sighting down an arrow quietly before grinning.
"Why the Huntsman, Snipes, you usually don't use it on this map?" Scout asked, jabbing him in the side with his bat. Sniper growled at him, taking a swing at him with his kukri, the Scout ducking automatically, although he knew it wouldn't really hurt him.
"Because, you wanker, I am going to be trying to keep Spy from being crushed by that Heavy once he realizes his Sasha's gone. My rifle bullets have the potential to kill the Spy if he's behind or near a BLU. I've done that before…" Sniper grinned slightly, his teammates looking at him in surprise. "What? At least he's more polite now, right?"
"Is that why he became more sociable?" Engineer asked, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.
"Sure think so, mate, learned that there was a way to exploit whatever makes us unable to kill each other. Why wouldn't he want to be friendlier, if the consequences of being otherwise were that he would wind up bugging us so much we all want to kill him?" Sniper grinned.
They made noncommittal sounds of agreement.
Pyro checked his propane tank, hefting his flamethrower calmly. They weren't quite sure what the Pyro thought about any of this. Most of the time they weren't sure what he was thinking, if they were to be fully honest, it was hard to when you couldn't even really understand him. He kept himself to himself, and while at times had been known to get particularly friendly towards them, to the Spy? To the Spy he was as cold and harsh as possible. Spy in retaliation was often at his most annoying when the Pyro was in the room, pretending to walk a very fine line between being on their team and ready to join the BLU's at any given second. The rest of the team never told Pyro otherwise, they found his reactions too amusing to bother.
As the countdown began they considered that maybe this would be one of the oddest things they had ever seen. Soldier and Heavy readied themselves, the Medic standing just behind the Heavy, working on his ÜberCharge. The Engineer carried his toolbox containing a ready-made sentry, shimmying back from the Scout as he tried to tap him with his bat, growling. The countdown started, the Scout turning his attention to running his bat against the gate that separated them from the playing area in anticipation, a wild grin on his face. Finally the gate opened and the team charged out with a roar, the Scout in the lead.
They heard the Scout's laughter before they fully saw what he was laughing at. When they finally did see it they froze. The true comedic effect hadn't quite hit them until they watched the BLU Heavy charging forward with a roar, the Medic behind him in his usual position, all the while holding tightly to a RED Spy. Said Spy dangled almost limply from the collar of his jacket and his trousers, fingers out in a way very similar to a child playing guns, the 'finishing touch,' an amazingly accurate drawing of Sasha, tied around his head only added to the hilarity. The cry of, "Run little cowards, run!" accompanied by a mad cackle from the Heavy did not help.
One moment they had been quite willing to fight to their last, the next the Demoman was leaning against the covered bridge that spanned the moat that separated the two bases, laughing his ass off. He was promptly sniped by the BLU Sniper, but they had respawn for a reason. This promptly started a trend. Everywhere the BLU Heavy went, the RED team faltered. Be it from the sight of the Spy's cheeky little wave as the sound of the gun warming up hummed, or the reaction the BLU Heavy had when he noticed that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to shoot them.
Turned out the RED team's inability to shoot each other extended to whatever 'bullets' the Spy was able to fire. That Heavy pulled some of the longest faces, especially when the Scout managed to stop laughing long enough to run around him and bash the BLU Medic in the face. Granted, it gained him a body-full of needles because Heavy's loud question of, "Why is this not working?" made him trip over himself cracking up, but it had been worth it.
Engineer had joined the Sniper up on his typical spot overlooking the covered bridge from the balcony, sitting on top of an admittedly useless dispenser, but the Engineer figured the match would wind up being horribly one-sided anyway. He had left his sentry to guard the intelligence briefcase, but there was no way he was missing this. They sat there with small grins on their mouths, watching as the BLU Heavy aimed at anything and everything. An expression of deepest despair was etched on his face as he watched as everything but the RED's he was attempting to kill was pockmarked with bullet holes.
"You gonna take a shot at him, partner? Seems as though he's sort of running right into it…" Engineer asked lazily, grinning widely, watching as the Heavy became increasingly desperate, shouting things in Russian that had the RED Medic and Heavy duo clutching their sides with laughter. More easy pickings for the BLU Sniper, but they just joined the Demoman to the back of the entrance to RED fort, watching the Scout run out to heckle the Heavy mercilessly.
The Soldier about blew it, about to scream at the Spy for being a failure and a pansy, but the Spy managed to backstab the BLU Pyro who had come to see what precisely was tormenting the Heavy so. The sight of the Heavy's face as his teammate went down to what appeared to be his own bullets was enough to stop the American short. Next moment he was laughing, frozen where he stood, watching as the Heavy stared at the BLU Pyro with wide eyes and an open mouth, staring at the gun in his hands in horror. Soldier was then gibbed spectacularly by his BLU counterpart, but it had been worth it.
"Nope, don't know what will happen to the Spy if I do." Sniper answered finally after observing it all quietly. "Besides, there's no way I'm cutting this short." The grin that spread across his face was terrifying. Engineer rolled his eyes.
Heavy swung the Spy back and forth, being heckled mercilessly by his other teammates, especially since he seemed to have killed their Pyro. "I do not understand!" He finally shouted out, releasing the trigger, only to find out that, for some reason, 'Sasha' would not quit firing. The Spy had apparently done some more work.
"Oh boy, here's where things get interesting…" Engineer grinned, leaning forward a bit more, the Sniper keeping an eye on his opposite on the other side. Fortunately, the other Australian seemed to be too engrossed in what was happening down below him to bother taking shots at anyone as what he was seeing registered.
Heavy shook 'Sasha,' finally pivoting, looking around in horror as his teammates backed away from him, shouting at him to watch where he was pointing that thing. The RED Pyro took that moment to run around, taking the opportunity being invulnerable to the BLU Heavy's bullets gave him, setting them on fire gleefully. The BLU Spy managed to get up close, about to ask something, when the RED Spy struck again, lashing out with his butterfly knife and stabbing deep into his leg, which was the only part he could reach. BLU went down with a scream of pain, the RED Spy snapping out and stabbing into his skull as soon as he got the chance.
"Oh, that hurt…" Sniper grinned. Medic, Heavy, Soldier, Pyro, Scout, and Demoman finally joined them on the deck, watching the chaos, laughing as the enemy team scrambled to do something, anything when they finally left respawn. It wouldn't have been so bad, but the BLU Heavy was refusing to drop 'Sasha,' likely considering it to be too cruel to do to something he loved more than life itself. Spy waved at them whenever he was facing their direction. They waved back, grins on their faces.
"Man, I feel like I need popcorn or something. This is great!" Scout laughed, watching as the BLU team continued trying to get the Heavy to drop his gun, adding their own bullets to the fray as things turned more frustrating. The RED Heavy pointed, laughing hysterically, calling out taunts and insults in Russian that the Medic was all too happy to laugh at.
Finally the Spy quit whatever it was he had been doing, the BLU team slowly inching their way towards the Heavy, mouths pulled into frowns. It was then that they finally heard the Announcer's voice, past the sound of their own screaming, and minigun fire.
"Fools, what are you doing? You are supposed to be capturing intelligence! What is happening down there?" Her voice sounded worse than it usually did, having likely been screaming into the microphone for a while, trying to catch their attention.
"Think that's your cue, Snipes…" Engineer spoke, sliding off of his dispenser, watching as the Sniper aimed towards the Heavy, but before he could even draw the string back, something else happened that made him fumble his bow.
"That is it, I have had it!" The high pitched, female, and completely unfamiliar Russian accented voice broke through the various yelled explanations aimed towards the Announcer from the BLU's. In that one moment, everything was silent, both teams looking around for the cause. At least, until the RED Engineer made a strangled noise, pointing towards the Spy, his mouth moving, unable to form words. The realization struck home to the rest of his team just as the voice called out again.
"I am sick and tired of this! Shoot at that, shoot at this, well you know what, I do not want to shoot!" The irritated, slightly prissy, snarling voice came out of the RED Spy to perfect effect, the whole of the BLU team staring down at the 'gun' with wide eyed, shell-shocked expressions.
"Did…did that gun just talk?" The Announcer's voice sounded as confused as the BLU team looked. The RED Team was too busy being uncertain if this was really happening.
The BLU Scout moved closer, bat held out shakily, finally jabbing him in the side. The look on his face when he realized nothing had happened to the gun he could see was priceless, shortly joined by the rest of them. "What the hell was that for, you grungy little urchin? Do you get your kicks out of hitting innocent women with baseball bats? Your mother would be ashamed!" For the RED Team's entertainment, the Spy was motioning. He shook his finger in front of his face in a scolding motion, both his hands finally finding their spot on his hips, where he tilted his head just enough for the effect to get across, but not change his weight.
Sniper made a sound that was between a chuckle and choking on something. The rest of them were trying to decide whether to laugh or cry, especially once the Scout jolted back, his bat dropped as he wrung his hands in front of him. When he actually responded, it was almost too much. "I'm…I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't mean to, I didn't know…"
The RED Spy watched as the BLU Heavy finally looked down at him, aiming the supposed barrel of the gun towards his own face, blinking in confusion. "Sasha?" He asked, blinking wide eyes.
"And you! You are the worst of all of them!" He snapped, Heavy jumping slightly, looking torn between dropping his gun and clutching it close. "I don't think I have ever met anyone as ridiculously obese as you. Look at you, you are a whale! Heck, I'd believe that you ate a whale, probably all by yourself. You are going to die of a heart attack, and then where will I be?" He gave a loud, highly exaggerated sniff, his next words nearly drowned in sobs. "You'll leave me cold and lonely, lying there on the floor with no one to pick me up and make me sing." Spy put his hands to his face, pretending to sob loudly, the BLU Heavy's eyes widening, blue eyes filling with tears of his own.
The RED team were nearly spazzing, trying their best to smother their laughter with their hands, tears of mirth leaking down their faces as they shook.
"Sasha…Sasha, Heavy…Heavy is sorry…" His voice was quiet; the BLU team gathered around him uncharacteristically solemn, weapons lowered in a mixture of confusion and outright shock.
"'Sorry?' You think 'sorry' cuts it? I have worked with you, fought with you, I have been there through thick and thin, and you think you can just say sorry and everything will be better? Ha! I have never been more insulted. I see now how much you truly care about me. I have given everything for you, and here you are believing that the smallest of gestures will make a difference; well I'll have you know that it is not so! What will saying sorry do? Will it stop you having that fatal heart attack? Will it keep me in use?"
"No, no, Sasha, I am sorry, I promise, I will do anything, I would never let you go! I will protect you and care for you, always! I can change, Sasha, I swear!" Heavy was crying, stroking his gun with one hand, the Spy showing how much he was loving that particular aspect by making a very clear 'gag me with a rusty spoon' gesture. The RED Scout had begun making a high pitched keening noise, his eyes red with tears of mirth as his hands were pressed flush to his mouth, desperately trying to choke down his laughter.
"Change? Really now? Can you stop eating those 'Sandviches' you love so much? Everyone knows you love them more than me. I never hear you making those noises when you use me!" Sniper choked, Scout fell over backwards, Engineer felt his eye twitch, and Soldier and Demoman leaned against each other, desperately trying to keep the other from laughing, the bottle of Scrumpy in Demoman's hand dumping onto the floor. The Medic had begun pounding on the Heavy's shoulder, his face pressed into his sleeve as the German tried to smother his laughter, the Heavy himself leaning forward, hands pressed to his knees as he laughed silently, wiping his eyes of their tears, mouthing: 'this slaps me on the knee,' happily. Pyro was on the floor, clutching his middle, muffled laughter escaping in-between wheezes, too quiet to be heard by the BLU team looking around awkwardly as though they were witnessing some sort of lovers' spat.
"No! I do not love the sandviches more than you! I could never! They are delicious and filling, this is true, but nothing could fill my heart more than the sound you make as you destroy puny RED team!" Heavy shouted out, hugging 'Sasha' to his chest, the Spy careful to keep his form as still as possible, even as a single hand tugged at his collar in a 'can't breathe' motion. They could have held it longer if the Spy hadn't also held that same hand to his nose a moment later. Sniper choked again, Engineer's hardhatted head thunking onto the railing, the Scout peering over the railing just in time to realize what he was doing and slump back down with a further squeak. "I could never leave you, never!"
"You are a liar, you hate me, you want to see me alone, and cold, left alone to gather dust, you know you do!" He cried out, that strange Russian accented voice cracking miserably. Engineer was now thunking his head against the railing at a steady interval, a strangled noise escaping from the Sniper's throat as he shook the Engineer's shoulder, shaking his head helplessly.
"No!" Heavy shook him, Spy actively doing his best to keep his arms inside his jacket sleeves. "I will always love you; I will never let you go! What do you want from me? Do you want me to polish you more, do you…do you want me to stop eating Sandviches?" The last bit of his sentence was almost a whisper, almost horrified at the thought. "Please, what do you want from me, what can I get for you? What can I do?"
"Well…" All hints of teariness vanished from his voice, the whole of the RED team leaning forward immediately, wide grins on their faces, ready for whatever the hell would spew from his mouth. "Firstly, you stink something awful, and this was before the match even started! Take a shower after every match, or at least after every other match. Deodorant is also your friend. Also, go on a diet. Yes, a diet, you are much too fat, you are going to die of a heart attack, and then where will I be? Also, please refrain from sucking your thumb when you sleep, it is most unbecoming." Heavy turned red, his own team starting to chuckle at this point, desperately trying to hide it, and failing miserably.
"But…"
"Oh, I'm sorry, are you a little baby man who can't help but suck his thumb?" That voice was practically crowing by that point, and whatever control his team may have had evaporated. One moment Engineer had been slumped against the railing, eyes tightly shut and rolling his hardhat back and forth as he shook his head limply; next he was guffawing, hand pounding against it, and shoulders shaking. The rest of them were practically dying, Soldier and Demoman slumped against the wall as they howled. Heavy had started to do something of a victory dance, the Medic going along with him. Scout and Pyro were rolling along the floor, dying of laughter. The thing that made it sweeter was the fact that the BLU team had finally burst out into full-fledged laughter.
"You know what I think? I think you taunt everyone about their size because where it counts…you're very small…" Heavy's lower lip was trembling, even as they cackled harder.
"Sasha, why are you saying this to me, do you not know that I love you?" He asked, his voice breaking.
"Oh, I am quite aware of the fact that you love Sasha, but…to be quite honest, I doubt you love me." Both teams held their breath at this point, the other BLU's quite certain they knew what was coming next, not even caring, way too amused to bother.
"…What?" Heavy asked, looking down at his gun once again, tilting it's head up to look at him.
"Bonjour!" Spy shouted out in his usual voice, flicking the disguise off, the mask removed with a flourish, a wide grin practically splitting his face in two as he waved cheerily. Heavy gasped, about to react violently, when an arrow was suddenly sticking out from the hand holding the Spy's collar, the Sniper managing to gain enough control to shoot him, before he fell back into hysterical laughter. The Frenchman's collar was dropped, leading to him immediately making a mad scramble towards the spot where the rest of his team was waiting. Unfortunately he was forced to leave his pants in the grasp of the Heavy as that hand hadn't let go. The Russian looked down at them with wide-eyed incredulity, finally tossing them to the side and charging after the Spy, screaming out threats and obscenities.
The Frenchman didn't stop, his teammates shouts of encouragement ringing across the base, even the BLU team shouting at him to move, and move quickly, a few token attempts to shoot him being made, the Spy making a hard dodge to the left when the Heavy dove at him. He made it in record time, the RED Heavy leaning down slightly; just enough to grab hold of the Spy's gloved hand as he made a running leap towards them, being swung up to safety. He stumbled over the railing, landing on his face, panting heavily, their laughter echoing as they dove behind cover, cackling too hard to care about the BLU's below them. Luckily, to a point, the BLU's were too amused to care about their intelligence, laughing fit to burst. The fact that the gates had shut, apparently without the Announcer's permission as she started to screech in anger at that fact, also helped keep them safe.
Engineer propped the Spy against the Dispenser, watching as he pressed his back against it, heaving a lungful of air in before huffing it out in a sigh, curling his legs up to his chest, completely uncaring of the fact he was just in his underwear. Surprisingly enough they were boxers, although it was possible he had expected something like this to happen as they were obviously recently laundered.
Medic immediately set to examining him for bullet wounds, chuckling periodically, the original attack having led to a few close calls that they could see. Spy had a wide grin on his mouth, flicking his cigarette case open, and frowning slightly at the sight of all the tainted cigarettes in it. Sniper, Soldier, and Demoman all offered him one, grinning to beat the band, all three of them chuckling quietly. Spy put all three in his mouth uncaringly.
It was the moment when the Pyro offered his flamethrower, aiming it towards the ceiling that the Spy truly hesitated, blinking. Finally, slowly, gingerly, he leaned forward, lighting them calmly on that single flickering flame, before leaning back again, nodding his head in thanks, inhaling the nicotine almost desperately.
"Like I said before, a man's wife for three days. I can handle a gun." He grinned at the Scout, whose face was flushed as red as his team shirt, panting for breath. He collapsed into hilarity again at that moment, gasping for breath, the rest of them following after. BLU team was still cackling. For some reason, the Announcer was remaining oddly silent.
"Give me Sasha back, or I will kill you, and kill you, and kill you! You come down and fight like man!" The BLU Heavy shouted, the Spy smirked before shaking his head, turning his attention to the Australian.
"Sniper, I need for you to tell me when the BLU Spy has left…"
The man straightened just enough, peering over the edge to take a quick headcount.
"I think he's already left, mate." Sniper answered, leading to the Spy straightening automatically, frowning.
"Merde…" He hissed, blue eyes flashing something like fear.
"What's the big deal?" Scout asked, heaving for breath, pushing himself off the floor.
"He's gone to contact Saxton Hale." In that one instant the rest of them felt that same fear flash down their spines, their eyes widening.
"What? Oh shit, what are we going to do man, what are we going to do?" Scout yelled out, cutting through the BLU team's mirth almost immediately.
"What's going on up there, lads?" The BLU Demo shouted out, peering up at where they would be. The RED Spy hesitated for a moment before sighing.
"If I stand up will you shoot at me?" He called out.
"Yes!" Soldier and Heavy shouted out, they were both promptly hit by the others on their team. Soldier grumbled before answering, "No…"
Spy shakily stood up, leaning forward across the railing. "We have a bit of a problem, mes amis…"
"Oh yeah? Like what? Aside from the fact that we've got your pants…" The BLU Scout and Sniper held them up between them casually, grinning. Sniper held a glass jar filled with a yellow liquid, one that Spy knew well. He jerked forward slightly, mouth twisting into a snarl.
"Don't you dare you…you…" He restrained himself, glaring at both of them. "You know what? Fine, do whatever the hell you want to them, I don't care. They're pants." Both teams stared at him in awe, wide-eyed, mouths dropping open, and then the Spy continued, an evil little grin spreading across his face. "But I warn you, if you do not simply hand them up to me I will let you deal with the man whose coming."
"Oh yeah, who would that be, wanker?" The BLU Sniper spat, his fingers adjusting their hold on the jarate.
"Saxton Hale, your wonderful Spy went to fetch him." The Frenchman was grinning as wide as he could at that moment, teeth gleaming, and eyes glinting death.
The reaction was immediate. One moment the Sniper had been fully prepared to remove the lid from the jarate, the next he had dropped it to the ground. He yanked the pants from the Scout and wadded them into a ball, chucking them up to the RED Spy who pulled them on calmly, frowning at the sight of the wrinkles covering them.
"Merci, jarman. Now, listen closely. I am going to talk to him. While I do so you must say nothing. This goes double for my team. This can go one of two ways. Either he will listen to what I am saying, or he will rip my heart out, shove it down my throat, and then proceed to do the same thing with the rest of you. However, I believe I have something that might persuade him to do otherwise. Several something's if I am to be perfectly honest." Spy frowned at them, watching as they all looked at each other, talking amongst themselves, the BLU's Soldier consistently calling out derogatory names at the top of his lungs whenever he could get a word in edgewise, the Heavy equally violently vocal. Finally they looked up at him.
"Alright, temporary truce called on accounts of an even meaner mother-hubbard that none of us wants to deal with coming." The BLU Engineer was the one to speak up, the RED Spy nodding his head at him with a grin before dropping down onto the ground amongst them. Heavy glared at him, seething, Spy blinking up at him innocently.
"What? I only spoke the truth! You will die of a heart attack." The Russian accented female voice was back, this time both teams could see the gestures, as well as the Spy's mouth moving, the sound coming from it in stark contrast to all that they knew. He placed his hands on his hips, swinging them to the side and tilting his head as he leaned towards him pointedly. Both teams burst into hysterical laughter. Aside from the BLU Heavy, he began chasing him around teufort, the RED Spy laughing his own snorting cackle with glee. "Yes, that's it; run, fat man, run, maybe then you will actually lose a few pounds!"
It was then that they heard it, both teams moving into defensive modes, the BLU Spy returning with a nasty grin on his face. An airplane. The space teufort inhabited was an air traffic free zone, unless that man was involved… Both teams looked at the BLU Spy with anger on their faces.
"You called that crazy-" The BLU Engineer started, getting himself all fired up for a nice shouting match, when the RED Spy put his hand on his shoulder carefully. He was ready for the wrench that swung towards him, ducking under it, leading to an apologetic smile from the Engineer as he backed away a step.
"Careful, mon ami, you recall what I said about not talking? That includes right now." Spy frowned, walking a short distance away from them, looking up into the sky. It was then that they saw him, jumping out of the plane a few kilometers lower than was really safe. A parachute was deployed, a voice bellowing out in an Australian accent that they could have sworn shook the very earth they were standing on.
"Saxton HAAAAAALLLLE!" Spy felt his heart plummet into his stomach at the sound, the rest of the teams dropping into terrified shaking. He then just took it as making it just a little bit harder for Hale to rip his heart out of his chest cavity and remained standing as straight as he possibly could, every muscle tensed for either fight or flight. A moment later and the Australian landed. He rolled forward, coming to stop in front of the Spy with his hands on his short-short clad hips, his hat loaded with the teeth from his previous kills, his heavy boots stomping down together in a perfect ten point landing. His face was in a frown, large brown mustache twitching down at the corners. Even as the parachute finally fluttered to the ground behind him, fanning out elegantly.
"Spy! You sneaky, twisted little hippy! Your Mann Co products not good enough for you?" Saxton shouted, spraying the Frenchman with saliva.
"Monsieur Hale, ce n'est pas parce…" Spy had lost control of his tongue somewhere between the sight of the Australian's blue eyes staring down into his own, the fist held open inches in front of his chest, and the boot planted heavily on his own shoe.
"ENGLISH, HIPPY, I SPEAK ENGLISH, NOT WHATEVER NAMBY-PAMBY LANGUAGE YOU SPEW OUT!" He ground his foot down just a touch, the Spy immediately leaning back. "You are lucky that I was requested to listen to whatever the hell you had to say, so speak! Keep in mind that if isn't what I want to hear, I'm ripping your heart out…" His voice lowered to a growl, which strangely enough was the one moment when the Spy straightened back up.
"Excuse me; I lost my tongue for a moment. To be honest I had been hoping to speak to you personally for a while." The RED Team blinked, looking at each other, shrugging at the implied question of had any of them heard of that wish. Saxton narrowed his eyes.
"Well?"
"You naturally see that BLU Spy over there, yes?"
Hale looked over to him, the other Frenchman giving a brief wave of his hand. "Yeah. What about him? Only thing I see is another soft-handed hippy."
The Spy frowned, his eyes narrowing. "First and foremost, neither of us are hippies. We are mercenaries. With that said, he is a spy."
Saxton raised an eyebrow at him. "Yeah. I'd say so, got the uniform and the gadgets. Which he does not see fit to tamper with!" More spit flew as he shouted at him, leaning further into his face. Spy held his ground.
"Oh no, you misunderstand me. He is not just a Spy in this war; he is a spy for another company." Both teams jolted at this, Saxton backing up just a touch, surprise blatant on his face.
"A spy? For what company?"
"A new company. One who is very interested in Mann Co products. One who wishes to…buy your company out, or rather, offer the same merchandise for a lower price, making you irrelevant. In order to do this, he has been sneaking various products to this other company. Sometimes even intelligence itself." The BLU Spy had crossed his arms, his look defiant, a raised eyebrow screaming 'prove it.' Saxton obviously had the same thing in mind, his eyes narrowing.
"Prove it, mercenary." The sarcasm dripped off that word, his disdain obvious, even as the Spy calmly reached into an inside pocket of his jacket. Both teams tensed, wondering what precisely he was planning. A series of photos held in front of him gave them their answer. The BLU team stared at their Spy, expressions somewhere between baffled and horrified. He crossed his arms, his expression black, daring them to comment. "Well…isn't that something…"
"I believe that the plans for the disguise kit have already been given, isn't that right?" The RED Spy smiled at the BLU one, Saxton turning his blue eyes to him with narrow-eyed intensity. "I do apologize for not going to you directly. I had no proof until recently. I also did not wish to bother you unless I had a solution. Sir, I believe I have your solution." He flicked his disguise kit open, handing it over to the heavily muscled and bare-chested Australian who looked down at it with a frown. Saxton's chest puffed out in what the Spy figured was suppressed violence, his Australia shaped chest-hair something the Spy was finding it very difficult not to look at, if only due to complete and total bafflement that such a thing would and could exist. It was then that he remembered the camera-beard however, and dismissed it fully. He probably shaved it to look like that. The man was certainly tacky enough to do it.
"Why are all the durry's red, mate?" Saxton asked.
"Ah, well…that's the only problem with it. It requires the blood of the one you are attempting to turn into, as such it was scrapped as a project. Your development team deemed it too risky." Spy cleared his throat, scratching at the back of his balaclava with a frown.
Saxton's eyes widened, looking at the cigarettes with narrow-eyed scrutiny. The Spy felt cold sweat trickle down his neck, watching that scrutiny, and for the first time actively feeling uncertain this would work. The BLU Spy had been held by his team, bracing him and refusing to let him escape, knowing better than to let anything get in the way of Saxton's revenge, if he so chose. The BLU Spy held his head up high, something in his eyes reflecting regret, his mouth in a tight line, none of his teammates making eye contact with him.
Blue beady eyes flashed up to the Spy's in a snap, his mouth in a tight frown. Spy felt his blood freeze, and then, he was laughing. A large hand clapped down on the Spy's back, shaking him with a wide smile. "Inhaling the blood of your enemies, I love it! It's ingenious! And you say it can turn into actual people as well as equipment, and my development team did not see fit to inform me of this?"
"Well, I have yet to see about turning into things like dispensers and sentries, if the Engineer would not mind sharing how precisely they work… And…no, they apparently did not…" He left the sentence hanging, waiting for the response that followed.
"Hell, you want to learn, I'll teach you!" The RED Engineer shouted out.
"Aw heck, do you really have to educate a Spy?" The BLU Engineer asked his counterpart, the RED Engineer grinned at him with a shrug.
"If I have to deal with it, then so do you, Tex," the RED Engineer answered, smirking at him.
"Dang it…" He sighed.
Saxton nodded his head once in decision. "Alright. We have a deal, Frenchie. Mann Co thanks you for your patronage. I'll be getting myself a new development team I think, bunch of hippies, thought I wouldn't notice…" With a wide smile he snagged the other man's hand for a very vigorous handshake.
"Merci." The Spy nodded once and then quietly cleared his throat. "Would you mind getting off of my foot now? I think it's gone numb." The Australian blinked before looking down, almost looking surprised at the fact that he still had the Frenchman's foot trapped. He immediately removed it, laughing before clapping the Spy on the back hard, this time sending him staggering forward. Saxton didn't notice, turning to look at the other Spy immediately afterward, his eyes narrowed.
"Now, as for you…I'm going to give you a twenty second head start, and you are going to run. If you don't run I'm only going to make you hurt more, so I suggest you humor me. Get going." Saxton watched as the Spy was released, blue eyes meeting blue for a moment before the BLU Spy vanished, his team waiting silently, listening to the fence creak before he fled into the wilderness outside of teufort.
Twenty seconds later, Saxton charged, his cry of, "Saxton HAAAAAAAALLLLE!" echoing out behind him, making even the ones he wasn't focused on flinch. Both teams looked at each other after that, unsure what they would do now that the teams were no longer evenly matched.
The RED Spy turned back to his own team, walking up to them with a smile on his face. "Well. I believe that actually went well, mes amis, what do you think?"
"I think you deserve a medal," Soldier stated, a wide grin spreading out from underneath his helmet, saluting him proudly. The tension cracked at that point, further laughter finally spilling out from them, some of them sinking to the ground out of simple relief that it wasn't them Saxton was angry at. In the beginning it hadn't looked all that good for any of them.
"Were you really planning on talking to him?" Sniper called out from his spot on the balcony, having hidden up there with the rest of the RED team, wanting to avoid any confrontation that may have happened.
"Oui, naturally." Spy crossed his arms, tilting his head up just enough to look at them with a raised eyebrow.
"Why didn't you just do that to begin with?"
"As I had said, I was not willing to bring his attention to something when I had no proof that was what he was doing. Also, I was not interested in doing so when I did not have a solution. And lastly, from what I recall, my team was practically begging me to do something to relieve their boredom, and I do not wish to be accused of not being a team player, oui?" Spy smirked at them, listening to the quiet chuckles before the Engineer remembered something.
"He did take your disguise kit you know…" Engineer stated, rubbing under his orange hardhat.
"Oui, I know. I'll get it back eventually." He nodded once, looking at the speakers in anticipation. Sure enough the raspy voice of the Announcer echoed over the base.
"Due to recent events, a mandatory ceasefire has been enacted. Missions will begin again as soon as both teams are balanced."
The BLU Heavy frowned, pointing at the RED Spy with a glower. "Where is Sasha?"
"Sasha? I do not know of any Sasha, who is this Sasha of whom you speak?" Spy asked, blinking at him innocently, with a roar, Heavy attacked, the Announcer's groan ignored. Both teams watched the Spy evade the Heavy until the sun went down, grins on their faces and chuckles bursting forth at some of the more colorful insults the Spy hurled. He would vanish for periods of time where he would secretly sit beside his own team, smoking a cigarette that was provided by either the Demoman, the Sniper, or the Soldier, and lit by the team Pyro.
They were finally forced to return back to base, chuckling quietly, saluting the RED Spy as they went. He watched it all happen with a smirk on his face, the Sniper's cigarette of choice dangling from his lips. They were used to going to bed without him, along with the Pyro, the two of them often chose to shower alone, the Pyro having beaten the Spy out of the right to go after the rest of the team. Finally, the Spy went about his business, but instead of going to bed, the Spy exited the base, leaving the teufort boundaries silently as a shadow slipping into the night. A helicopter was waiting for him a mile out of base, two black-suited men standing ready to accompany him.
The Spy slid onto his seat, strapping himself in, and lighting a cigarette, a faint smile curling the edges of his mouth. He knew precisely where he was going and to be honest, he truly couldn't wait.